I am not talking about nails on a chalk board, although that is the most horrid sound. Even thinking about that gives me the shivers. No, I am talking about things I say or things that others say. Just this morning I was searching for a sheet of stamps that I had bought for mailing Mother's Day cards. They were lovely. pastel colors, flowers and butterflies. The perfect stamp to send warm wishes to my fellow moms. I bought them about 2 months ago and . . . (here comes the most dreaded sentence in my life) . . . "I PUT THEM SOME PLACE SAFE" !!!!!!!! Good Lord they could be ANYWHERE !!!!! I have a folder that I keep all my stamps in so why are they not in there?????? That would and should have been the best place to put the stamps but in my muddled brain I am sure I thought I would put them someplace "OBVIOUS" so I would have them for Mother's Day. I remember using them at Easter, at which time I must have decided to "put them some place safe" until Mother's Day. Yup . . . they are surely some place safe. Too bad I don't remember where that place is. I do this often with so many things. My glasses, my keys, my shoes, my children. (Oh no, scratch that last one. Thankfully my kids are grown so I don't have to worry about misplacing them any more.).
I would like to think that this problem of misplacing things is because I am SO busy but to be honest you and I know better. My brain is unfocussed most of the time. I jump from one thing to another and do not pay FULL attention to anything I am doing. (Good thing I'm not a pilot or a brain surgeon.) I find that my brain is always two steps ahead of me so while I am doing one thing I am thinking about the next two things that I must do. I walk through the house singing my mantra . . . FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS !!!!! Sadly this does not help because I am now so hung up on chanting focus, focus, focus that I have forgotten what the hell I need to focus ON. . I am doomed to walking in circles wondering what I was doing and where I was going. And if I do remember either of these things I cannot find what I was looking for because I have, "PUT IT SOME PLACE SAFE!!"
Another phrase I HATE to hear is when The Man is around and he calls to me saying, "COME LOOK AT THIS!". Oh Lord . . . those words run through my ears and into my brain and I know I should RUN in the opposite direction because I KNOW it will be something nasty !!! It could be something he found stuck to the bottom of his shoe. It could be some sort of oozing bodily orifice that I REALLY do not want to see. Or on one occasion it was something in a tissue that he had coughed up. OMG! I still get nauseous thinking about that one. WHY ! Why would anyone think to show off any of the above things This is NASTY NASTY stuff that you REALLY need to keep to yourself. Even when I taught kindergarten and the little ankle biters would come to me with some of the most God Awful stuff it wasn't nearly half as disgusting as what this man can come up with. That is the absolute worst thing I want to hear him say . . . "Come look at this". It sends chills down my spine every time he says it. Sometimes I will be fortunate and it will just be something on the TV. Or something that is in his closet that he has forgotten about for the last three hundred years. More than likely it is an autographed picture of some hockey player who I have never heard of but it excites The Man so I pretend to be impressed. "Oh WOW ! THATS AWESOME! " Meanwhile I have left dinner to burn because he needed me to come see RIGHT AWAY!!! Like it is going to magically vanish in the next three seconds if I don't come look NOW!
You can keep your "What's for dinner?" or "Are we there yet?" questions. Those will never grow old for me but if you say, "Quick ! Come Look At This!" I will have my suitcase out and car keys in my hand as I head for the door.
Unless I have put my car keys, "Some Place Safe". Then I'll have to stick around to see why I am being summoned.
