THERE IS A COCKROACH IN MY CAR

 And it is HUGE.   Which according to anyone who is born and raised in Florida it is NOT a cockroach !  It is a PALMETTO bug.   To which I say, " Donkey poop! That sucker is a ROACH !"  Having been born and a raised in NYC I know a cockroach when I see one and that sucker in my car is the mother of all. roaches!!!!! 

Call it what ever you want I just want it OUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  of my car !!  

I discovered The Beast last Saturday when I got home from the grocery store.  At first I thought I had brought it in on some of the produce I had purchased,.( I hope it wasn't a BOGO). But I think I actually invited it into my car when I removed the windshield cover and threw that into the back seat.  Monsieur  Le Cocka Roacha was probably tucked into the cover only to find himself being flung in to a totally new habitat.  When I went out earlier that day I had taken the outside cover off my car windshield and threw it into the back seat. (The reason I have a cover on my car is that my parking spot is under a tree that is home to many birds.  Florida has many, many birds and they all love to sit in the trees and poop!   I got tired of having to go to the car wash every time I went out just so I could see where I was going.)   When I got home and pulled the cover out of the backseat the BUG  decided he liked living in a high rent neighborhood where he did not have to be lunch for some bird so he did not depart the premises.  

Up to this point I was totally unaware that I had a stowaway.  If the dumb creature had just stayed hidden all would have been well. But like most men he HAD to let me know he was there.  As I went to shut the back door of my car I caught my first glimpse of THE CREATURE.  He was sitting on the door frame looking right at me with a smirk on his buggy face just daring me to challenge him.  He obviously did NOT know who he was dealing with !  I suppose he expected. me to scream, faint, go running into my house waving my arms. I surprised him when I grabbed the car door and SLAMMED it as hard as I could figuring nothing was going to survive that.  WRONG !!!  I looked up at the closed door and there were 2 big, black antenna waving at me.  Not believing that it was  at all possible that the bug could survive getting squished like that I opened the car door.    Not only was this creature not dead he was up and running right back IN TO my car.  

Could the nasty thing have jumped OUT of my car?  Of course he could. But where's the fun in that ?   

I have no idea where it ran and hid. All I know is it is still IN MY CAR and I am not driving anywhere until I find a dead body !!  I am having visions of me driving down I 95 at the snails pace of 85MPH when this thing JUMPS out and lands on my face.  It would not go well from there. I KNOW the cockroach would survive the crash but I doubt if I would.  And so to rid my car of unwanted hitch hikers My ingenious thought was, "I'll just leave the car locked up sitting in the Florida summer sun and Mr. Roach will fry baby fry.   Then someone reminded me that cockroaches will survive an atomic bomb so to a roach a hot car is like summer in the Bahamas.  

Next step . . .   buy a bunch of "ROACH MOTELS".   Remember the motto from the "Raid" company?  "Roaches check in but they don't check out".  Here's hoping that is true because otherwise I may have to resort to selling my car and getting a new one.

Today I will venture out to the car and open ALL the doors while I search for a body.  Dead or alive that thing has got to go. 

RUNNING OUT OF STEAM

 I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream.  I was dreaming that I was a freshman in a college that's campus was so large I had gotten lost and could not find my way back to my dorm.  Along my panicked way I met a girl that I had gone to high school with. We were "best" friends for a while until life took us in different directions.  I also dreamed I met my younger cousin who passed away about 3 years ago. In the dream she told me to follow her and she would take me back to my dorm but some how I lost her along the way.  I kept asking people for a map of the campus so I could find my dorm but no one had a map.  I was getting so frustrated and then I woke up.  It took me a while to collect my thoughts and realize it was only a dream. But it was one of those dreams that was so realistic it just wouldn't leave my head.

I love to dream and then analyze what it all meant.  I can track various things that happened through my day yesterday that probably triggered the events and people in my dream but this one made me uncomfortable.  The fact that I have been more focused on my mortality recently is one of the reasons this particular series of events and people bothered me.  Now I can really get all Freudian and tell you that since my cousin is dead and in my dream she is going to lead me "home" I may die soon.  Except that in the dream I lost her so I guess I am not going to die soon.  Or the whole thing about the map that I cannot find tells me I am wandering around senselessly in my life right now.  But considering I have ZERO training in psychology I doubt any of this is true.

By now I have totally freaked myself out so I finally get up out of bed to face the day.  I had no plans for the day what so ever. It has been VERY hot down here in South Florida so I knew whatever I was going to do today would be indoors.  My garden needs tending and the lanai is getting cluttered. I did not put the recycling or garbage out last night because it was just too darn hot. All of that can wait till Saturday or next week's garbage collection. (Living alone does not generate a great deal of refuse in a weeks time.). I am excited to spend a day inside because it is always an adventure.  Especially when I have nothing that NEEDS to be done.    I just walk into a room and WHAM ! something grabs my attention and that's it for the day.  UNTIL I run out of steam.   That is what I am facing right now as I sit here writing.  

After I got up I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and comb my hair.  This is usually a safe routine except that today I opened the bathroom cabinet looking for some lotion and got sucked in. Just like the Twilight Zone I found myself surrounded by a multitude of products which I seem to accumulate and never use.  For what ever reason TODAY was the day that I "needed" to go through them and throw away and reorganize all 3 shelves of this built in cabinet. This is not a job for the faint hearted. Believe me!  I started pulling things out, tossing some but keeping most. ( I had looked in this cabinet about 2 days ago and thought I REALLY needed to get into it to see what was there but I had managed to ignore the urge. )     An hour later the counter top was covered in bottles, jars, boxes and whatnot.  So now I not only have a messy cabinet that I could just close the door on, I now have a total and complete mess all over the bathroom!  What happens next is up to me. 

I decided I needed breakfast and a rest because I had run out of steam.  So here I sit writing a blog.  I will probably have to pee my pants at some point because I do NOT want to go back into the bathroom and deal with the mess in there.  I'm sure that if I fall asleep in this chair I will dream of an earthquake, tornado  and volcanic eruption where I find myself unable to climb out of the rubble.  So I better not fall asleep. In order to stay awake I will head into the kitchen to make some lunch and end up pulling everything out of the fridge because I can't find the cheese.  Everything will end up out on the kitchen counter and I will once again run out of steam.   

IF A TRAIN LEAVES THE STATION . . .

 I am breaking into hives just typing the sentence above.   When ever a math teacher started their lesson with that sentence I knew I was in trouble.  I mean really, who cares !!  If I just look at the train schedule I can give you the answer in a lot less time than it is going to take me to do the math.  So REALLY ?  Will I EVER need to use this useless information in my life? 

Apparently I DO.

Or if not me then the pharmacies of the world sure do need to go back and learn some math skills!  OR . . . is it all about the MONEY ????????

So here's my question of the day . . .  If I need to take a pill for my blood pressure and the doctor writes a script for ONE pill, ONCE a day every day for a month how many pills will I need to order for ONE MONTH ??????  

 Now I am not a genius nor am I good at math, (just ask my high school math teachers), but if there are thirty days in a month and I take one pilll every day I come up with the a answer of One pill every day times thirty days should equal THIRTY PILLS !     Or if you prefer to see this in an equation . . .             30 X 1 = 30.       I think I am correct in my advanced mathematical solution to this horribly complex math problem.  Right ?    

Tell that to my pharmacy.   I order my pills through the mail from a company that is approved by my insurance plan.  When I switched to Humana after Cigna decided it didn't want to deal with Floridians any longer, (can you blame them?) I gave Humana a list of all my medications and I was happily informed that all my meds are covered by their plan.  GOOD NEWS !!   Whoopee !!!!   The insurance company asked me if I wanted "Automatic refills" to which I replied.   NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     If ever there was a company to screw up a soup sandwich it is an insurance company refilling prescriptions.  Never EVER give them permission to control any part of your life as long as you are still mentally capable of handling your own medication.  Every time I am hospitalized for more than a day there is ALWAYS a Royal F... UP  with my medications.  But that's a whole other blog !   

I am all set to start receiving my medications each month WHEN I ORDER THEM !  So why do I keep getting bags of pills in my mailbox?  Now if those pills were Valium or something good I would not be complaining but how many bottles of antacid can one person use?  I call the pharmacy and they promise me they have taken me off the automatic refill list.  The pills keep coming.  I send various e-mails and the pills still keep coming. I receive text messages almost daily reminding me that a prescription of mine is due for a refill. I text back . . .STOP  . . .  DO NOT REFILL AT THIS TIME.      And then 5 days later a package arrives with . . . guess what ???  Yup, the pills that I did not need!!!  I really don't know what to do about this.  I will need to empty a closet to store all my "drugs".  I guess I could just keep letting them send me my meds every three weeks (IN STEAD OF EACH MONTH) and then at the end of the year I can open my own pharmacy.   

Trouble is that with every unwanted refill I receive I am charged for them.  It's not a massive amount of money but the point is the insurance company is making money faster than necessary.  I guess every time they get their electric bill they just start refilling peoples prescriptions whether you need them or not. But at least the drug company will keep its lights on for another month. 

Does any one out there need some antacids at a really good price ?

A L E X A !!!!!!!!!!!!

 Once again my very BFF, Sharon, is trying to make me loose the very few marbles that I still have rattling around in my head.  I love this woman dearly. I could not ask for a better friend . It doesn't matter that we live thousands of miles apart.  It doesn't matter that she leans one way in politics while I lean the other way.  She prefers being around old people, I prefer being in the company of little children.  She was a nurse, I was a teacher. I love to try different foods, she will stick with fried chicken and French fries.  But some how or other when ever we get together on the phone or in person we laugh till we cry and talk till we fall asleep. And our visits are NEVER long enough.  

I had not seen Sharon in about 8 years.  Health, husbands, family and distance kept getting in the way of spending time together. But like all true friendships we would pick up right where we left off.  We do seem to have a psychic connection because when ever one of us is going through something tough the phone will ring and there on the other end is the exact person we need to talk to right at that exact moment.  

But it seems that in spite of this amazingly wonderful connection she still likes to find ways to drive me CRAZY !!!!

Perhaps you remember my blog about the "Dryer Balls" ?  The marvelous gift that BFF Sharon sent me one Christmas?  I am still chasing those silly things around my house every time I do a wash. And I always think of Sharon as I am cursing the damn things.  (But I really do love them, just don't tell her.)

This spring the stars were in alignment. We were both healthy, we didn't need to stay home to take care of anyone and we both had the time free.  So  Sharon came to Florida to visit. Only 3 days because according to her "House guests are like fish.  They stink after 3 days."  I promised her she could shower every day so she wouldn't stink but she held firm and left way too soon for my liking.  We didn't do much while she was here except eat, talk and LAUGH till we cried.  It was so great to be with her.

One of her first observations when she arrived at my condo was that I did not have an ALEXA. She found it quite strange that I have existed all these years without the eighth wonder of the modern world sitting in my living room.  I explained that I have enough voices in my head I really did NOT need another one.  Over the next 3 days the topic of Alexa would pop up and Sharon would extol the endless virtues of adding this to my life. I politely listened and didn't give it another thought. 

Until guess what arrived in the mail about a week after my BFF"s visit ?  

Did you guess an hippopotamus ?   I hope not because that would be silly !   It was ALEXA!!!!!!!  My reaction was the same as when I opened the Apple Watch that my Son and daughter-in-law sent me a couple of years ago. "What the hell am I going to do with this??????"   And like the Apple Watch that I wear EVERY DAY and love  . . .   Well . . .   I'm really not to that point yet with Alexa but I am sure it. will grow on me. 

Given time I am sure Alexa will become a regular visitor to my world but I am still not used to speaking to her.  Living alone it seems weird to talk to nothing but I have learned she will play music that I like.  That is awesome !   She will tell me what the weather will be for the day so I know if I need the umbrella for our afternoon monsoon.  The most I use Alexa for is spelling.  Spell check on the computer sometimes messes up or when I am hand writing a note to someone and can't spell Caribbean.  (Not that I use that word often but living in Florida it does come up every so often. ). It is then that I turn to Alexa.  And here is where the problem is.   Apparently Alexa has been created by a person under the age of 80.  When I ask for the spelling of a word Alexa spells it SO QUICKLY that I just about get the first 2 letters written and she is done with the entire word.  So I ask her again, " Alexa,  please spell Caribbean".  And she repeats it again just as fast as the first time.  Maybe I get 2 more letters but I still don't have the whole word.  Was that 2 "R's" or 2 "B's" ?   Let's try this again.  Alexa, spell Caribbean SLOWLY !    And I get "Caribbean slowly".    Oh Lord !!  Again . . .  Alexa, S L O W L Y spell Caribbean.    She still rattles it off so quickly that I am still missing the last 3 letters in the word.  Apparently S L O W L Y is not a concept Alexa has learned.  Us old folks need people and Alexa to speak SLOWLY. !!!!!!! 

I finally give up and rewrite my letter to not include the word Caribbean.    

Thank you Alexa and Sharon. I think it may take me awhile to get used to this new addition to my life.  Maybe I could use it as a target for when I am throwing the dryer balls. 

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH

 Well, I guess that's really not true if you think about it.  There are soup kitchens that provide free lunches.  Some kids in school get free lunches and if you go to Chick-Fil-A on your birthday you get a free lunch.  (They even have a day when if you dress like a cow you get a free lunch.)  So I am wrong.  You can get a free lunch.

BUT . . .   There is NO thing as a bargain in a furniture store or a car dealer.   (If you care to you can go back about 4 years and read about my poor RAV 4 experience. Talk about a sucker deal. I was sold a year old car that had been in a flood in Massachusetts and brought to Florida to sell to an inspecting idiot who thought she got such a GREAT deal.  Never trust a car salesman.  I will NEVER buy another Toyota.)

Moving on to the furniture store.  

Today I decided I really needed to wash the covers on my 2 white dining room chairs. I don't have many occasions to have 8 people for dinner but just in case I bought 2 extra chairs when I bought my dining room table with 4 chairs 9 years ago when I moved into this condo.  I dragged Theresa to the "Rooms-To Go bargain store near us and in there we found 2 white "leather" chairs that would fit nicely with my table and chairs.  The chairs were well made, solid, attractive and the price was right!!!  I had been looking for chairs for a while and could not believe what ONE chair could cost !  It was like buying a whole house.  Who needs to sit on a twelve hundred dollar chair ???????  My grand kids were still young at the time and quite prone to food related accidents.  I am the kind of grandma who really doesn't care about spills and food mess. It can all be wiped up, rubbed clean or covered with a towel or a rug.  So when I found these 2 "cheap", white chairs that could easily be wiped down if there was a mess on them it was a no brainer.  They were perfect. 

Fast forward about 2 years when I noticed the "leather" seats were cracking and flaking off.  Just a little but I figured the dry air in the house was probably causing the seats to dry out.  Easy fix for that . . . AMAZON !  They have everything and sure enough there were lovely beige covers, reasonably priced, good reviews and fast shipping.  When those arrived a few days later they were super easy to put on the two chairs and in a matter of minutes I had 2 "looks like new" chairs.  Not only were they very attractive but they were easy to clean. Not that I cleaned them often but when ever I found a spot on them I would wipe it off and they looked like new.  

It wasn't until today that I decided I REALLY should take the covers off and throw them in the wash. As I reached under the chair to release the strap holding the seat cover on a few flakes drifted to the floor.  HUM???  Well I guess the chairs are shedding a little more of their "leather" upholstery .  So I began to pull the cover up and off the seat and back of the chair which resulted in a snow storm that was equal to the blizzard in Michigan this past winter.  I had white flakes of what ever the hell those chairs are covered with flying around the room.  Think of that old abandoned house in your neighborhood who's paint is pealing. That was my chair.  I swear to you the resulting drifts of flakes were as high as my knee.  (Well, maybe that's just a little of an exaggeration. But there definitely was a crap load of chair flakes all over the dining room by the time I had removed both covers.). What a mess!  

The covers went right into the washer and the vacuum came out of the closet.  It took me so much time to vacuum up the mess that my vacuum died.  I had to stop and recharge it.  But that gave me the perfect amount of time to write this blog. 

Will I get rid of the chairs?  Heck no!!!  I've got 2 perfectly good chair covers that will cover any future flaking. The covers fit only those chairs so I can't use them for anything else.  Of course if I take the covers out of the washer and they are in shreds then I may have to rethink this whole thing. After all I did buy the chair covers on sale so I can only expect the worst. 

DON'T DUMP THE DUMP CAKE

 I am always on the lookout for an EASY recipe.  I like to cook and bake.  I learned from my mom who was a wizard in the kitchen.  Hand her a can of cream of mushroom soup and she would make a gourmet meal, complete with dessert.  (Of course I was just a kid and would eat just about anything, including tongue, tripe and kidneys.  It's amazing what my mom could do with those.).  But her genius really came out when she was baking. I would come home from school to the most heavenly smells wafting from the kitchen.  (That was probably why I came home.).  My mom baked for the entire neighborhood.  What ever she had made was usually shared with at least 3 of our neighbors.  Thank goodness because if she left ALL her baked goodies in the house I would have been a two hundred pound six year old.  I still have little to no will power when it comes to cakes and cookies. 

 And she was creative!  Every 4th of July a small cake would appear decorated with whip cream, strawberries and blueberries artfully arranged like the American Flag.  I won't even tell you about the Christmas goodies she would create.  I would kill to have her recipes but sadly when she died and my dad sold the house he threw out EVERYTHING.  I forgive him, he's a man who was focused on moving and clearing out years and years of stuff.  But I still wish I had that little green tin recipe box that held all the magic.

Where was I ?. . . .   Oh yeah,  Dump Cake.     The first time I heard of this was on Facebook.  (I can get sucked in for hours scrolling one video after another.). So when I saw DUMP CAKE I had to stop and check it out.  I have made several dump recipes in my lifetime but to me "dump" meant that when I made something that was absolutely horrible I would dump it in the garbage.  (Believe me there were more than one.).  But here was an actual recipe to dump a cake?   I HAD to check that out. I came to find out that it is a way of making a cake without having to get out the electric mixer!!!!!  Already I knew this was for me because my mixer is wonderful but it weighs a ton. The prospect of having to lift it  out of the closet and carry it to the kitchen without dropping on my foot or getting a hernia is usually too daunting so I don't bake.   But a cake that didn't require using an electric mixer??????  Whoa !!!!!!  This is for me!

I happened to tell my friend Theresa about this recipe I had found and her response was, "Oh yea. I've made them".  Now what kind of a friend keeps something like that a secret ??????  But I should have known better.  This woman is also a wizard in the kitchen so of course she would have known about this new fad.   Because I happened to find a dump cake recipe for a lemon cake and I know that lemon is one of Theresa's favorite flavors,  (That and Butter Pecan Moonshine which I am told is best had when poured over vanilla ice cream. ).  I knew I had to make the cake for her. The timing is perfect since her birthday is this weekend. 

I watched the recipe video several times to make sure I knew what I was getting into.  Looked easy . . . I'll give it a try. 

 STEP 1 . . . Dump a can of lemon pie filling into the bottom of the baking dish.  OK where in holy hell do I find lemon pie filling ???????   Oh sure, the baking isle has all the cans of pie filling. They have cherry, apple, pumpkin, blue berry, raspberry, chocolate, coconut but NO lemon.  Four trips to 4 different  grocery stores and numerous numbers of store employees assuring me that "Sure we have lemon pie filling" I still did not find any.  I could order it on line but it would take 2 weeks to get here. (Apparently they only make lemon pie filling in the furthest regions of Antarctica.)  I was going to have to think outside the oven on this one. I bought 2 boxes of lemon pudding mix and used that instead.   

STEP 2 . . . sprinkle  1/2 cup of cake mix across the pudding.  Easy Peasy

STEP 3. . .   Cut an 8 oz block of cream cheese into small cubes and place them all over the top of the mess in the pan. NO Problem !!!!!  Except stupid me who is used to working with cream cheese in recipes took the package out earlier so it would soften up.  Do you know that warm cream cheese does NOT slice well. It would be much easier to cut into cubes if it was COLD!  But I now have a half made cake sitting on. my counter and no time to freeze the warm, mushy cream cheese. It wasn't pretty. I plopped GLOBS of cream cheese across the cake and hoped for the best. 

STEP 4 . . . Dump the rest of the cake mix all over the cream cheese. Covering it evenly.  Evenly??  Who are they kidding?  Between the globs of cream cheese and the dumping of cake mix I was lucky most of the cake mix made it into the pan.  As it was I had enough cake mix spilled all over the counter that I could have made a cupcake.

STEP 5 . . .  Last but not least . . . cut one stick of butter into thin slices and distribute them evenly over the top of the cake.  HA !!!!!  Once again it would have been very nice if someone had mentioned that the butter, like the cream cheese, is SOOOOOOOO much easier to slice if it is COLD !!!!!!!!!!  Dear Lord ! I was ready to dump the cake . . . in the garbage.   But I will prevail and make my mom proud. (If she can stop laughing her wings off).  Do you know how long it takes butter to chill after it being at room temperature for an hour?  Neither do I because I just followed my previous adventure with the cream cheese and plopped globs of gutter across the top of the cake. No pattern, no symmetry, nothing . . . just PLOP !!

I am now sitting here in my living room waiting for the cake to finish baking. I am wondering if I will actually give Theresa the WHOLE cake.  Do you think she would mind if half of it was missing?  It smells divine. And I do think I deserve a reward for the conquering the "EASY" Dump Cake recipe. 

THE THINKING BROOM

 Harry Potter had the Talking Hat.   I have the thinking broom. Well to be totally honest it is a Thinking Vacuum, not a broom.  Although it could be a mop or a. scrub brush or even a weed whacker on those rare occasions I am working in my "garden"  ( It's more like a boarder of weeds that fills 2 sides of my lanai.) What ever the "tool" of the day happens to be that is my thinking time.

I'm reading the latest book that my youngest child has just published. It is titled " Beyond The Gates of Eden".  I am truly enjoying learning about this child of mine and his search for his identity.  WHO KNEW all these things were swirling around in his head all those years that he has been alive.  He writes about his search for self and where it has taken him. For what ever reason he only finds those hidden parts of himself when he is climbing a mountain in Tibet or running a 4 day race across the Sarah Desert. (That one will happen in November. I've already started praying.)

His book has got me thinking about how we find ourselves and the paths we take on that journey.  Where are you when your thought process at its peak?  Sitting on a beach in Florida?  Tucked in a cozy cabin on a lake? Sitting on the toilet at two in the morning?  We all have that time in our days when we are given the opportunity to search inside our psyche and evaluate the direction we are going.  

Now I am not saying that we all DO that. Some people don't ever give it a thought. They live moment to moment, one foot in front of the other plodding through life day by day. No goals in sight, no question of "Is this all there is?"  And those folks are happy with the status quo.  But then there are people who are ALWAYS questioning and searching and thinking.  It's that thinking part that will get you.  It's times like when I am cleaning the bathtub that my mind starts clicking and thoughts start pouring in like a good Florida thunderstorm that can drown you in a matter of seconds.  That's my brain when I'm doing some mindless task.  I can hear the switch click on as my mind starts to rumble and shake. Oh Oh . . . watch out here comes Lord knows what.  

If I am sitting on a beach or in a cabin in the woods my brain is content to just be quiet and at peace. It's happy, calm and content.  But if I start to clean the house my brain apparently has a need to THINK.  Not about what I am doing but think about everything and anything else other than cleaning. 

 Being an only child. I had A LOT of. time alone to think. But I always found something to occupy my mind  rather than thinking about who I was and where I was headed.  That is still true at 81.  The one exception is when I wake up at three in the morning. What is it about the middle of the night that your brain WAKES UP !!? One minute. I'm sound asleep and the next minute I'm planning my 12 year old grand daughter's wedding. Makes NO sense at all.  But I least I don't get up and start cleaning.