WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

 Newspapers . . .  I enjoy reading the newspaper.  In Michigan it is the Escanaba Daily Press, in Florida we have the Palm Beach Post.  These 2 papers are at total opposite ends of the political spectrum but they never fail to entertain me.  I love reading the headlines. "Telescope reveals growth of primordial black hole"! How can you resist reading that article?  It makes me think of "Jurassic Park", "Planet of the Apes" and "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" all rolled into one.  I think it's the word "primordial" that catches my interest. 

Then we have the totally idiotic headlines that catch my eye because they sound so dumb. "Snow predictions vary from latitude, altitude" . . .  well DUH !!  I don't expect much snow in South Florida but I would expect Nome, Alaska to be covered in snow this winter.  Likewise this intelligent article would explain why there is usually snow on the tops of tall mountains but not so much in the desert.  I really have yet to figure out how that article got into the paper. Do they really think we are all THAT stupid?  I guess that particular news worthy story was included in the paper because they had nothing else to print. (The election is over so there is nothing to talk about?)

Today as I sat reading the paper an article on the front page of the "Local" section of the newspaper caught my eye.  " 81-year-old woman dies in wrong-way crash on road near Boca Raton Airport".  The headline was in large, bold print so you really couldn't miss it.  The "81-year-old WOMAN" was what caught my eye. Being just a few months shy of 80 I am very conscious of news stories about "Elderly" folks and the crazy things they do.  I often wonder if I am too old to be driving so when I see a story like this one I have to read it to see if I see myself in any part of it.  

I ABSOLUTELY DID !!

Let me explain . . .   The headline gave me the impression that the woman was driving.  This was not the case at all. The article goes on to say that the crash killed the woman and left her 80-year-old husband with life-threatening injuries.  It also said that the husband was driving. Let me repeat that incase you missed my point . . .  THE HUSBAND WAS DRIVING !!!!!   Now that makes much more sense. I can now picture what really happened.

It is 2:30 in the afternoon and Mr. & Mrs. XYZ are driving home from making a Costco run. There is only the 2 of them but they still shop at Costco because that is their weekly day out where they will wander aimlessly through the store while blocking the aisles with their shopping cart.  Once they finish shopping they get a hot dog and soda, (all for a dollar twenty five) and then pack the car and head home.  Wife lets husband drive because, even though he can't see well and really doesn't focus on the task at hand, he needs to feel like a man and be "in-charge".  It's the middle of the day, the sun is out, the traffic is light, what could go wrong.  As they approach the turn onto the busier road up ahead husband is distracted and makes the left turn into the north bound lanes of traffic. Unfortunately he is driving south !  It is at this point that I see myself.  I am yelling, "Stop, stop, you're going the wrong way." Being the rocket scientist that he is, husband responds with, "No I'm not !  I'm going the right way!" , completely missing the point that even though he is indeed traveling the correct direction he is doing so in the wrong lanes.  Wife is now panicked by the oncoming traffic and is screaming at husband who is still oblivious that he is doing something WRONG !  

I know The Wife went directly to Heaven for putting up with The Man for all those years.  Her final thoughts probably were, "You dumb ass, mother jumping @#$^&%#$%&#$%^$# !  I knew you were going to get me killed some day!"

May she finally rest in peace.  I hope to meet her if and when I get to Heaven.  We will have A LOT of stories to share. 

MUFFLED, MUMBLING, MASKED MAN

I am SO tired !  When I am tired it takes all my energy to remain calm when dealing with "4M" (aka The Man). On a good day he drains my strength but this past month I have been exhausted for some unknown reason so I am always dragging my butt.  I am probably so tired because of all the "happy drugs" I am taking to remain calm.  Calm is good, catatonic is something else.  But that's a blog for another day.

Back to "4M".   I have mentioned in previous blogs that The Man and I are both blessed with having to wear sleep apnea head gear.  It drives me NUTS !!!!!  I hate the damn mask and hose. I wake up multiple times a night with the mask half off and/or the hose wrapped around my neck. Sleep apnea will not be the cause of my death but the mask and hose will!  It is a royal pain in the arse !

The Man on the other hand has no trouble at all sleeping with his mask and hose.  His machine is actually a BiPap machine.  It forces air into his lungs to push the excess Co2 out. According to The Man it makes him fall asleep instantly and deeply as soon as he puts it on.  This is a wonderful thing for him and I am very happy that it helps him to feel so good.  Unfortunately once he puts his mask on he thinks he can still carry on a conversation with me. 

Let me set the stage for you . . . It's 11 PM at night and I am now totally wiped out from a long day of doing nothing.  "4M" and I have had dinner, moved to the couch to watch some TV, taken showers and gotten ready for bed.  I drag my butt into the bedroom, brush my teeth, set up my machine, take my pills, turn on the fan, turn down the AC so I can sleep and then crawl into bed.  "4M" and I have spent the ENTIRE day together but it is NOW when The Man decides he wants to chat!  

This happens EVERY night so I stall getting into bed by sitting on the bed to put on lotion, make small talk, whatever, to see if he has anything he wants to chat about.  I get NOTHING because his focus is still on the TV.  As soon as I crawl into the bed and take out my hearing aids . . . THAT . . . is when he decides he has to tell me something crucial to the future of the universe.  I take off my mask, put in my ears and ask, "WHAT?"  He then tells me it's not important, we can talk about it in the morning.  I take out my hearing aids, put my mask back on, lie down and attempt to get comfortable.  It is at this point that "4M" decides to put on his mask and turn off the TV.   I think Ahhhhhhhh, sleep at last.   NOT !!!!!

The room is dark, my ears are out and my mask is on so I can hear virtually nothing . . .  except somewhere in the distance I hear mumbling coming from the other side of the bed. If I don't respond I get a poke and a question which I assume is saying, "Did you hear me?"    

Now in the past I have been very patient with this nightly routine but I have reached the limit of my patience.  The response "4M" now gets is me pulling off my mask and shouting, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR MASK ON !!!!!!!!!"  Which naturally sends him into a snit because I am pissed.  

So much for a good nights sleep when my blood pressure is now up to on thousand !

And yet I guarantee that tonight and every night until I murder him the game will continue.  

HELP ! I AM STUCK !

 I kid you not,   I am quite, literally STUCK !  The Man is at rehab and I am alone in the house and stuck in my electric recliner.  (I'll give you a moment to stop laughing)

I guess it all started last night when I could NOT fall asleep. I tossed and turned and flopped around in the bed like a beached whale.  I finally gave up at around 2 AM and came out to the living room where I made a cup of tea, got out my iPad and flopped down in my recliner. ( My recliner happens to be my favorite spot in the Florida condo. I have the lovely parlor up in Michigan where I can escape and I have my electric recliner here in Florida.)  Life is good.  

I spent the next three hours sitting the dark playing games on the iPad until I thought I might finally be able to sleep, which I did until 9 AM. Since then I have been doing laundry, changing sheets on the bed, puttering in the kitchen and just cleaning up the place.  The Man left for rehab a little after 10, (for his 11 o'clock session that is less than 5 minutes away. I don't ask.)  After he left I made some breakfast and headed to my recliner with coffee in hand and the newspaper to read.  I got sidetracked half way to the chair when I saw my computer and decided to check my mail. THAT WAS A HUGE MISTAKE. Why is it that just as I get comfortable with the structure of a website they up and change everything.  All I wanted to do was see if any of the 57 e-mails were anything important.  Low and behold Outlook had changed EVERYTHING since I last checked my mail and I now had to log in which meant I had to get up to get my password book. (The chair was functioning fine. It vibrated, produced heat on my back and went up and down just like it is supposed to.)  Naturally I had no idea where I left my password book so that took some searching but I. finally found it and went back to my chair to continue fighting the computer. That was a total bust so I closed up the computer and decided to read the paper. What could go wrong !?  I had my coffee, a piece of banana bread that I had baked last night, (that refused to cook in the middle), and the news paper. Ahhhhhhhhhh comfy at last!    WRONG !!!  I didn't have my glasses so I couldn't see. 

OK , , , one last time I'll get up, get my glasses, return to the chair and relax for an hour before The Man gets back and decides he needs me to help him do something.  I picked up the remote for the chair, pressed the button to lower my feet so I could get up and NOTHING . . . .    The chair wasn't moving so neither was I.  

Because I had tipped the chair as far back as it would go I was in a semi prone position with gravity working against me.  The chair and I were bonded together and I was going to be stuck here a while.  Fortunately I have pretty good upper body strength. Unfortunately the rest of my body sinks like a rock so that once it is in any position it takes an act of God and a 20 tone crane to get me to move. 

It only took me about 10 minutes to wiggle myself up and out of the chair. (I might as well have been climbing Mt. Everest), but I did finally make it out.  Sure enough when I looked under the chair, (that was another Herculean task) I saw that the power cord had pulled loose from the chair. 

So now I am back in the chair, vibrating and baking and I am NOT getting up for anything. 

 Please don't call because I left my. phone in the kitchen. 

MY TURN

You may have noticed that most of my blogs are written about the men in my life.  First there was Husband and all the dumb things he did.  Now there is "The Man" who provides me with an endless stream of material to write about.  But every now and then I do something so dumb that I need to be fair and let the world know what an idiot I can be.

It all started when I was still in MI wanting to send some goodies to my oldest grand daughter who is now in her second year of college.  She attends LSU and is doing an amazing job on her way to a career in engineering. (She is defiantly her parents child with none of her grandmother's stupidity in her.) ANYWAY . . .  I decided to go on Amazon to see what they had in the way of "Goodie Boxes". I found exactly what I was looking for, a whole box full of snacks.  It was the perfect gift to surprise the college student.   I quickly ordered it so it would get to her that week. 

Fast forward two and a half weeks and I still had not gotten a text from my grand daughter thanking me for her package.  This is unusual because she ALWAYS send a text when she hears from me.  I happened to be talking to her dad so I asked if his daughter had said anything about getting a package from me.  He didn't think so but then called her and asked.  She told him she had not received anything.  I couldn't understand what had happened because I had gotten a text from Amazon showing a picture of the package sitting outside her door. At least that's what I THOUGHT I saw. Upon closer scrutiny I realized the door in the picture was MY DOOR IN FLORIDA !  I had been in such a hurry to get the package sent that I didn't catch the address I was sending it to.  DUH!  DUH!  AND  DUH!    I was feeling quite stupid! 

But it gets even better !

I still wanted to get those snacks to my college girl so I went back on Amazon and re-ordered the same item but this time I was very careful of the address where it was being sent.  (Meanwhile the first box was sitting outside my FL condo for a couple of weeks getting rained on almost every day.  It was quite the mess when my daughter went over to pick it up.) Sure enough 2 days later I got a text from Louisiana thanking me for all the wonderful snacks.

But it doesn't end there.

About a week ago I put in an Amazon order for myself. I needed some pecans to snack on, a pair of Arthritis gloves, (my hands are very sore these days), and a bottle of special mouth wash. (I have a tooth that will be pulled in 3 weeks and the oxide mouth wash is keeping it from hurting.)  I sort of forgot about the things I ordered and vaguely remembered getting a note from Amazon saying the order was running late.   Fast forward to 2 days ago when I get a FACE TIME call from my college student. It is not unusual for her to call but a face time call is rare.  When I answered she was laughing, which is also not unusual. She went on to tell me that she had gotten a box that morning addressed to her. When she opened it she was confused by the contents.  There was a bag of pecans, a pair of arthritis gloves and a bottle of mouthwash.  Some how she knew right away what her goofy grandmother had done.   It seems that because she was the last person I had sent something from Amazon they had her LSU address in the "ship to" box on the order page.  Dummy me never checked on the address when I put in my order so instead of coming to me in FL it went to my grand daughter in LA.  

We both had an extremely good laugh and thoroughly enjoyed our face time chat. I promised her I would REALLY check all the information when I order anything from Amazon. I also told her to enjoy the pecans and just bring the other 2 items home with her at Christmas. She can wrap them up and give them to me as a gift.  

At this rate I probably won't remember any of this and will be totally surprised and delighted that my grand daughter knew EXACTLY what I needed.

BACK IN FLORIDA

O.M.G.    It has been a Looooooooooooong month and it's only the 21st.  Speaking of it being October 21, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DAUGHTER KERI".   How is it possible that I have children that old ?   Kyle is 51, Keri turns 48 today and Kent is 46.  That must mean I am OLD !!!!  

I am feeling old these days thanks to a zillion little things that are going on.  It was a wonderful, wonderful summer in Michigan.  Beautiful weather and lots of time to rest and relax.  Good thing because the month of October has been CRAZY !!!  We usually start our drive down to Florida the first or second of October. This year The Man's son, girlfriend and her 2 boys arrived the 29th of September and visited for a week.  That meant no packing the car until they left on October 5th.  It was a chaotic week to say the least.  The good thing was that DJ drove The Man to Florida and I got to fly home. It took them 3 days and it too me 6 hours. I consider that a win especially when I had 2 days all to myself to settle back in.  DJ flew back to Alaska and the circus came to town.  The day after DJ left, Florida's East Coast was hit by a hurricane. Fortunately it made landfall about an hour north of us so we didn't have any problems at all.  Good thing because the following week our refrigerator stopped working and we had no hot water.  Thankfully the land lord got the water situation fixed right away and as of today the refrigerator has been replaced. Only problems with both of those adventures is that I had to empty out the shed where the water heater is for that to get repaired and then empty out the fridge and freezer so the old fridge could go and a new one could come in for me to fill.  Of course The Man couldn't help, which I do understand, but it is hard for me to sweating while he sits and watches me while complaining about how cold he is.  

 In between all that we have been running to doctor appointments almost daily. There was one day when The Man had 4 different appointments at the VA hospital. When he made the appointments last year he THOUGHT it was a wonderful idea to schedule everything on the same day.  NOT !!!!!!! We arrived at the VA at 9:15 AM and got home at 4 PM.  Because The Man had so many appointments at different places in the HUGE hospital he decided he would get a wheel chair and I could push him around all day.  Lucky Lucky me !!!! It took two days for us to recover from that one day.  

Things are slowly quieting down, I HOPE, but I'm ready to go back to MI. At least up there the people have some semblance of intelligence.  Last week The Man had an appointment with his allergist. We left here in plenty of time, drove to the building where her office has been for the past 2 years, parked the car, took out the oxygen tank, got it all hooked up so that The Man could walk into the building, take the elevator to the second floor and walk all the way to her office at the far end of the hallway.  (The walking required several stops for The Man to catch his breath.)  When we got to the office door the lights were out and the sign was gone from the door.  Taped to the window in the door was a note saying, "WE HAVE MOVED".  It gave the address of the building next door.  The Man was not happy.  Back down to the car we went with him muttering the entire way.  I was in total agreement with him that you would think someone from the Dr's office should have called or sent a letter to tell patients about the move before they arrived at the locked door.   Anyway, back into the car, drive over to the next building, up the elevator to the third floor and walk all the way down the walk way.  This building has offices that are accessed from the outside, like a motel. We stepped out of the elevator only to find ourselves walking into a "river". The roof over the walkway was sagging down and water was dripping down onto the walk.  We had to walk through that to get to the door of the "new" office.  (Why would you move to such a dump?  Rent must have been pretty cheap.). Actually the "new" office used to be Quest Labs where I would often go to get blood work done.  I knew Quest had moved out but didn't realize who had moved in.  I knew the suite number from when I would go to the lab so I knew where we were going. Good thing !!  When we got to the door there was no number on the door and no sign saying who was inside. That gave The Man something else to grump about. He started complaining to the poor girl at the reception desk and she looked like she was ready to cry.  (Apparently we were not the only patients to complain.) Her response to The Man was, "What am I supposed to do?"  We suggested a piece of paper, a magic marker and some tape.  That was too much for her to process. 

It is now almost a week later and The Man is still talking about that day.  I'm just glad we are done with that appointment.  I need to rest up and gather my strength for my dentist visit on Wednesday when I will have a tooth pulled.   

It just keeps on getting better and better.  Michigan here I come !!!!!

GOING BANANAS

 Grocery shopping should not be this stressful.   When it takes two Valium and a pint of Vodka to give me enough "calm" to shop for groceries then I know I have a problem !  

I used to enjoy going to the grocery store and wandering up and down the aisles checking out new products and goodies. I always have my list and I usually manage to find everything that is on the list.  But then there are the other 30 things that I decide we REALLY need to buy.  My grocery bills are never under $100 and now-a-days I am happy if the bill is less than $200.   I am pretty good with checking prices and buying that which is not necessarily cheaper but is a better deal.  I enjoy the challenge. 

The Man has not been in a grocery store since the year 1200 BC.  He still thinks that a dozen eggs cost thirty five cents and a quart of milk is still twenty five cents.  He is shocked at the price of ice cream . . . EIGHT DOLLARS for a half gallon of ice cream ??????  This is one product that he cares about the price. Not that he is paying for the groceries but he likes to think he knows a bargain and a rip off when he sees one.  

Every time I go shopping, (which is at least once a week), The Man sits at the kitchen table waiting for my return.  (I love it when I can sneak in while he is napping) But usually he is sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to unload the bags.  With each bag I bring in I have to listen to him saying things like, "I thought you only had to get a FEW things", or, "Why did you get two of those? We'll never use two of those before we leave!"  or my all time favorite, "You do realize we are leaving here in . . . weeks".  It NEVER fails.  I have gotten really good at tuning him out and leaving things in the car until he is in bed or the bathroom before sneaking things in.  It's either that or a full blown war and I don't feel. like fighting over something as silly as groceries. 

But what really makes me crazy are the times when The Man asks me to pick up something for him.  Donuts are at the top of that list. I have no issue buying donuts because that is what he eats for breakfast every morning. morning, a Nutrition drink and 2 donuts.   Whatever !  But then there are times when he asks me to buy something and it sits here for 2 weeks before we throw it out.  BANANAS !!!!  That is at the top of that list.  Today as I was leaving You Know Who asked me to stop and pick up some bananas for him.  OK, No biggie.  I was going to the store anyway so picking up some bananas is no problem.  I bought Green bananas because I know they will sit in the kitchen on the counter top for the next two weeks until they turn brown.  We will be sitting in the kitchen and The Man will start flailing his arms around like a windmill gone wild.  "Damn Fruit Flies" he will start yelling. "Where are they coming from?  Do we have any fruit out?"  I will casually point to the now brown and rotting bananas.  

For some reason he finds it totally unrelated to the fact that these are the bananas that HE requested I buy. They have been staring at him for 2 full weeks and he has made no attempt to eat them. 

This drives me BANANAS !!!!! 

THINGS THAT GO BEEP BEEP BEEP IN THE NIGHT

 I LOVE my bed !   I LOVE to sleep !  I LOVE to snuggle down under the covers and dream my dreams !   I do NOT love being woken up in the middle of the night by "friends" texting me at 3:15 AM because they can't sleep.  And that is why we have silence mode on our cell phones !   Feel free to text me at any hour of the day or night because my phone will be turned off from the time I turn out my light until I decide to wake up and face a new day.  Occasionally I will forget to turn off the ringer but that doesn't happen often. And if it does it is my fault if I am woken up so no harm, no foul.  

What I can NOT control is the assortment of sounds that come from my partners various machines that are stuffed in the bedroom along side the bed.  The Man has no less than 5 different machines that have alarms and all of them seem to prefer to go off in the middle of the night.  Granted they are all attached to him so if the oxygen stops, or his heart stops there is an alarm to wake ME.  

Last night was one of those nights. The Man uses a Bi Pap machine at night. It is similar to a C pap machine, just more powerful. The problem is that because he needs to have a constant flow of oxygen so the machine needs to be connected to an oxygen concentrator. If the concentrator fails to work then the alarm on the concentrator goes off.  BEEP BEEP BEEP !!!  If the concentrator is not delivering oxygen to the Bi Pap machine then the Bi Pap machine's alarm goes off.  BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP !!!! If the concentrator AND the Bi Pap machine are both failing then his heart monitor goes off BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP !!!!!!!!!!!!!   

You know that these things never occur at 11 PM while we are still awake.  NO . . . .  it always waits until 2 or 3 AM when we are in a dead sleep.  It is like the fire drills they had when I was in college living in the dorm.  You had just fallen asleep when the alarm would start blaring.  With luck you were not hung over, just exhausted but you had to get out of bed and out of the dorm until the drill was over.  

Now I am flying out of the bed, grabbing my hearing aids because I know The Man will be talking to me so I need to hear him.  Besides the hearing aids I have to grab the flash light so I can find my way to the light switch in order to see what the hell is going on.  All this time The Man is still asleep.  How this is possible I have no idea but it's true.  By the time I have ears in and can see where I am going The Man is now waking up and asking, "What's going on?".   My reply in my head is, "How the "F" do I know" but my mouth says, "I have no idea what's happening",  Now comes the fun part.   Trying to figure out at two in the morning where is the problem.  My brain has woken up immediately, The Man is still trying to figure out where he is, who he is and what is this strange woman doing in his room. As he begins to focus and realize where the noise is coming from he starts pulling plugs, adjusting wires, reading display screens, and throwing orders to me to get this, that and the other thing.  Now I am REALLY awake because I am roaming through the house searching for things he wants.  I get orders like, "get me the thing from the cabinet" . . .   Seriously !   When I question, "What Thing" and "What cabinet" I get a look that says I must be an idiot for not being able to KNOW exactly what it is he is talking about.  I am used to this by now and it doesn't bother me at all because I KNOW EXACTLY WHO the idiot is.  I patiently ask questions until I figure out what I am looking for and where I will find it. It's a great game but not at 2 AM. 

Needless to say I manage to keep it all under control, fix the problem and go back to sleep.  Knowing full well that in the morning when I get up I will get to relive the entire episode with The Man.  It will be the topic for the day, phone calls will be made to different companies to complain about their machines and The Man will be thinking about the problem all day trying to come up with ideas to help avoid this happening again.   I am the listener . . .  I will say nothing, I will not offer suggestions and I will write a blog about it because it really is pretty funny.   

OH,   and I will also take a nap.