FINDING MY HAPPY

I don't remember the last time I was feeling angry. There were all the upsetting days of the house sale and the craziness of closing and packing and moving but the feelings of anger and hate have been a thing of the past. My stomach is no longer knotting up every fifteen minutes and I haven't had the urge to strangle anyone for at least a year and a half. I am able to breathe without counting to one hundred and eat without choking. I now drink alcohol for pleasure and not out of necessity. I seem to be finding my happy.

I am especially finding my Happy on my marathon journey across the nation this summer. No concerns for a house, no concerns for anything, just me, myself and "I" !  This may sound terrible but I am having a blast being on my own and just coming and going as I please and stopping here and there visiting with the most wonderful people in the world. So far everyone has been terribly gracious and I am sure they are all very happy to see me leave but while I am with them they are charming. I am giving serious thought to selling all my furniture and buying a small mobile home and just traveling the country side for the rest of my life. I could visit anyone I want, find a camp site near by, stay till they got sick of me or vice versa and then move on.  When I needed my space I could settle some where and just stay till I wanted to be around familiar faces then pack up and move on to go stay with whom ever would have me. Membership in the AAA would be cheaper than rent and gas would be cheaper than my electric bill.  It is something to consider. And I sure am happy when I travel !

When I was in Boston last week with Aunt Sue and Uncle Joseph, Sue told me I had found my "pretty" again. That was the biggest compliment she could have given me. All those days when I looked in the mirror and saw that haggard old face staring back at me, wondering when I had become my mother and aged 70 years. Wondering what had happened to my life?  How had I lost all the fun and happiness of life when I really wasn't ready to give in to the death of my youthfulness ? Life had beaten me down. I was dead inside and my body reflected that. My soul felt dead, my heart was weighed down with sorrow and pain and I did not have the energy or desire to do anything about that.
My body was fat and my brain was dead and everything hurt !  My knees needed replacing because they were filled with arthritis and hurt like hell.  And so I lost some weight . . . and that was the beginning of the turn around and the beginning of finding my happy.

Today I look in the mirror at my best friends house in New York and I see a totally different person from that old lady who stared back at me 18 months ago. I feel younger, I look younger and I think I AM younger.  All because I am finding my happy thanks to the wonderful people who have been in my life and the new people entering my life and the changes I have made in my life. Thanks be to GOD!