We really need to develop time travel so we can go back in time to FIX all the things we have "F'd" up over the years. At the time we are living through the horrors of life we think we are doing our very best but in hindsight life sure looks different and we know we could/should have taken different actions. This is all brought back in VIVID detail and sadness if you are an idiot like me who keeps journals. I have always kept journals or written letters to Best Friends back in the day when there were no computers, i phones, facebook or twitter to share every detail of our personal lives with total strangers.
At the time of their writing my journals are a tremendous comfort and a good outlet for fear, anger, joy and confusion . . . not so much when I go back and read them now. Especially when it is the journal of the last three months of my husbands life when he was dying from lung cancer.
It was raining this past weekend and that means I go into hyper cleaning/straightening/organizing mode. I love rainy days and REALLY enjoyed this opportunity to clean out some stuff. I was rearranging a book shelf in my bedroom when I came across several old journals of mine. My first instinct is to sit and start reading because other than Stephen King there is little on the book market that can keep my attention these days, unless it is the crap I have written in times gone by. It seems I have led a very tortured life, (HA HA HA!!!) so when I read all these diaries that I have written over the years it is a great source of amusement for me. But not this particular saga.
When husband was first diagnosed with lung cancer back in August of 2012 it was only natural for me to grab a note book and start writing. I continued my "personal" journal during this time but at the suggestion of someone I began taking notes and keeping a diary of our journey through this nightmare. I wrote down every doctor appointment in detail, included medications and tests and just about EVERYTHING involving our attempt to beat this God Awful disease. Most of my notes were pretty clinical and to the point but there at the back of this book of "survival" I found some small sheets of paper torn from a notebook that I must have carried with me in my purse when the Medical diary became to large and cumbersome. When I found these pages on my book shelf I put them aside to look through at a later date. This morning seemed to be the perfect time to open that "door" to the past since my morning was going down hill at an alarming rate. I took my cup of coffee and the journal pages out into the sunshine on the lanai and settled in to read. I forgot to bring the box of tissues !
As difficult as it is to relive the past it is also a great opportunity to look at our actions and think about what we would do differently in the future. I pray I don't have to be a "care giver" ever again but as long as I am alive I will always love those people in my life and if needed I WILL be there for them. I will be more attentive to the fact that we are all going to die some day and that there are just some times when you have to say. "ENOUGH!" to the doctors and health care workers.
People who go into the field of medicine have blinders on. Many of them don't see the Light at the end of our personal tunnels so they fight, against all common sense, to SAVE us. I know it is natural to not want to give up on someone who is ill but the reality of it all is that there are just some times when you have to take a step back and say . . . "There is nothing more we can do. Let the poor soul make peace with their God and lets give them an opportunity to die with dignity".
Illness comes in many forms but Cancer sucks in that some times you CAN beat it and other times you just haven't got a chance. I think that when someone is diagnosed with STAGE 4 (the worst kind) cancer their families should be told, THIS ISN'T GOOD. I would have given anything to have had a doctor who was totally honest and that when it became obvious the cancer was winning they would have said, "ENOUGH"! Instead they ALWAYS tell you to eat and hydrate because it is important to keep up your strength . WHY? I'm freaking dying here and by forcing me to eat and drink you are only prolonging the painful, inevitable outcome.
Then they make you come in for treatments and give you all sorts of medications . . . WHY?
They tell you to have this test or scan done . . WHY ?
By the time Husband had fought for 2 years to be "cured" he was TIRED !! I was TIRED! And yet like fools we ran, (Ger rode in a wheel chair that I pushed), to doctor appointments, chemo, in and out of the hospital and "rehab" (which in this case was a TOTAL waste of time and energy) but no one ever said . . . "Go home and live what's left of your life surrounded by your family and forget about pretending that you will eventually return to being the person you were before all this started".
I know there is a God and I do believe in miracles but I also know that dying is part of life and the journey through dying is something we all will experience. I also know that when we are in the middle of something like loosing a loved one to a disease we always feel we NEED to do Something/anything . . . to keep them alive as long as possible . . . WRONG !!!!!
I hope and pray that my children will not make the mistakes I made with their dad. I do not want to be told what treatment I NEED. I don't want to be told I HAVE to eat and/or drink. I do not want to be told that the doctors KNOW best. I want to die on my terms, doing what I want when I want. If I want to refuse treatment that is MY choice and no one else's. That may sound selfish but after all these years don't you think that is the least people could do for you ? For once . . . LISTEN AND RESPECT !
I think that if and when the day comes that I actually make it to Heaven the first thing I will do is apologize to Husband for trying to make him buy into the false hopes of living with a fatal disease.
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