WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

 Newspapers . . .  I enjoy reading the newspaper.  In Michigan it is the Escanaba Daily Press, in Florida we have the Palm Beach Post.  These 2 papers are at total opposite ends of the political spectrum but they never fail to entertain me.  I love reading the headlines. "Telescope reveals growth of primordial black hole"! How can you resist reading that article?  It makes me think of "Jurassic Park", "Planet of the Apes" and "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" all rolled into one.  I think it's the word "primordial" that catches my interest. 

Then we have the totally idiotic headlines that catch my eye because they sound so dumb. "Snow predictions vary from latitude, altitude" . . .  well DUH !!  I don't expect much snow in South Florida but I would expect Nome, Alaska to be covered in snow this winter.  Likewise this intelligent article would explain why there is usually snow on the tops of tall mountains but not so much in the desert.  I really have yet to figure out how that article got into the paper. Do they really think we are all THAT stupid?  I guess that particular news worthy story was included in the paper because they had nothing else to print. (The election is over so there is nothing to talk about?)

Today as I sat reading the paper an article on the front page of the "Local" section of the newspaper caught my eye.  " 81-year-old woman dies in wrong-way crash on road near Boca Raton Airport".  The headline was in large, bold print so you really couldn't miss it.  The "81-year-old WOMAN" was what caught my eye. Being just a few months shy of 80 I am very conscious of news stories about "Elderly" folks and the crazy things they do.  I often wonder if I am too old to be driving so when I see a story like this one I have to read it to see if I see myself in any part of it.  

I ABSOLUTELY DID !!

Let me explain . . .   The headline gave me the impression that the woman was driving.  This was not the case at all. The article goes on to say that the crash killed the woman and left her 80-year-old husband with life-threatening injuries.  It also said that the husband was driving. Let me repeat that incase you missed my point . . .  THE HUSBAND WAS DRIVING !!!!!   Now that makes much more sense. I can now picture what really happened.

It is 2:30 in the afternoon and Mr. & Mrs. XYZ are driving home from making a Costco run. There is only the 2 of them but they still shop at Costco because that is their weekly day out where they will wander aimlessly through the store while blocking the aisles with their shopping cart.  Once they finish shopping they get a hot dog and soda, (all for a dollar twenty five) and then pack the car and head home.  Wife lets husband drive because, even though he can't see well and really doesn't focus on the task at hand, he needs to feel like a man and be "in-charge".  It's the middle of the day, the sun is out, the traffic is light, what could go wrong.  As they approach the turn onto the busier road up ahead husband is distracted and makes the left turn into the north bound lanes of traffic. Unfortunately he is driving south !  It is at this point that I see myself.  I am yelling, "Stop, stop, you're going the wrong way." Being the rocket scientist that he is, husband responds with, "No I'm not !  I'm going the right way!" , completely missing the point that even though he is indeed traveling the correct direction he is doing so in the wrong lanes.  Wife is now panicked by the oncoming traffic and is screaming at husband who is still oblivious that he is doing something WRONG !  

I know The Wife went directly to Heaven for putting up with The Man for all those years.  Her final thoughts probably were, "You dumb ass, mother jumping @#$^&%#$%&#$%^$# !  I knew you were going to get me killed some day!"

May she finally rest in peace.  I hope to meet her if and when I get to Heaven.  We will have A LOT of stories to share. 

MUFFLED, MUMBLING, MASKED MAN

I am SO tired !  When I am tired it takes all my energy to remain calm when dealing with "4M" (aka The Man). On a good day he drains my strength but this past month I have been exhausted for some unknown reason so I am always dragging my butt.  I am probably so tired because of all the "happy drugs" I am taking to remain calm.  Calm is good, catatonic is something else.  But that's a blog for another day.

Back to "4M".   I have mentioned in previous blogs that The Man and I are both blessed with having to wear sleep apnea head gear.  It drives me NUTS !!!!!  I hate the damn mask and hose. I wake up multiple times a night with the mask half off and/or the hose wrapped around my neck. Sleep apnea will not be the cause of my death but the mask and hose will!  It is a royal pain in the arse !

The Man on the other hand has no trouble at all sleeping with his mask and hose.  His machine is actually a BiPap machine.  It forces air into his lungs to push the excess Co2 out. According to The Man it makes him fall asleep instantly and deeply as soon as he puts it on.  This is a wonderful thing for him and I am very happy that it helps him to feel so good.  Unfortunately once he puts his mask on he thinks he can still carry on a conversation with me. 

Let me set the stage for you . . . It's 11 PM at night and I am now totally wiped out from a long day of doing nothing.  "4M" and I have had dinner, moved to the couch to watch some TV, taken showers and gotten ready for bed.  I drag my butt into the bedroom, brush my teeth, set up my machine, take my pills, turn on the fan, turn down the AC so I can sleep and then crawl into bed.  "4M" and I have spent the ENTIRE day together but it is NOW when The Man decides he wants to chat!  

This happens EVERY night so I stall getting into bed by sitting on the bed to put on lotion, make small talk, whatever, to see if he has anything he wants to chat about.  I get NOTHING because his focus is still on the TV.  As soon as I crawl into the bed and take out my hearing aids . . . THAT . . . is when he decides he has to tell me something crucial to the future of the universe.  I take off my mask, put in my ears and ask, "WHAT?"  He then tells me it's not important, we can talk about it in the morning.  I take out my hearing aids, put my mask back on, lie down and attempt to get comfortable.  It is at this point that "4M" decides to put on his mask and turn off the TV.   I think Ahhhhhhhh, sleep at last.   NOT !!!!!

The room is dark, my ears are out and my mask is on so I can hear virtually nothing . . .  except somewhere in the distance I hear mumbling coming from the other side of the bed. If I don't respond I get a poke and a question which I assume is saying, "Did you hear me?"    

Now in the past I have been very patient with this nightly routine but I have reached the limit of my patience.  The response "4M" now gets is me pulling off my mask and shouting, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR MASK ON !!!!!!!!!"  Which naturally sends him into a snit because I am pissed.  

So much for a good nights sleep when my blood pressure is now up to on thousand !

And yet I guarantee that tonight and every night until I murder him the game will continue.  

HELP ! I AM STUCK !

 I kid you not,   I am quite, literally STUCK !  The Man is at rehab and I am alone in the house and stuck in my electric recliner.  (I'll give you a moment to stop laughing)

I guess it all started last night when I could NOT fall asleep. I tossed and turned and flopped around in the bed like a beached whale.  I finally gave up at around 2 AM and came out to the living room where I made a cup of tea, got out my iPad and flopped down in my recliner. ( My recliner happens to be my favorite spot in the Florida condo. I have the lovely parlor up in Michigan where I can escape and I have my electric recliner here in Florida.)  Life is good.  

I spent the next three hours sitting the dark playing games on the iPad until I thought I might finally be able to sleep, which I did until 9 AM. Since then I have been doing laundry, changing sheets on the bed, puttering in the kitchen and just cleaning up the place.  The Man left for rehab a little after 10, (for his 11 o'clock session that is less than 5 minutes away. I don't ask.)  After he left I made some breakfast and headed to my recliner with coffee in hand and the newspaper to read.  I got sidetracked half way to the chair when I saw my computer and decided to check my mail. THAT WAS A HUGE MISTAKE. Why is it that just as I get comfortable with the structure of a website they up and change everything.  All I wanted to do was see if any of the 57 e-mails were anything important.  Low and behold Outlook had changed EVERYTHING since I last checked my mail and I now had to log in which meant I had to get up to get my password book. (The chair was functioning fine. It vibrated, produced heat on my back and went up and down just like it is supposed to.)  Naturally I had no idea where I left my password book so that took some searching but I. finally found it and went back to my chair to continue fighting the computer. That was a total bust so I closed up the computer and decided to read the paper. What could go wrong !?  I had my coffee, a piece of banana bread that I had baked last night, (that refused to cook in the middle), and the news paper. Ahhhhhhhhhh comfy at last!    WRONG !!!  I didn't have my glasses so I couldn't see. 

OK , , , one last time I'll get up, get my glasses, return to the chair and relax for an hour before The Man gets back and decides he needs me to help him do something.  I picked up the remote for the chair, pressed the button to lower my feet so I could get up and NOTHING . . . .    The chair wasn't moving so neither was I.  

Because I had tipped the chair as far back as it would go I was in a semi prone position with gravity working against me.  The chair and I were bonded together and I was going to be stuck here a while.  Fortunately I have pretty good upper body strength. Unfortunately the rest of my body sinks like a rock so that once it is in any position it takes an act of God and a 20 tone crane to get me to move. 

It only took me about 10 minutes to wiggle myself up and out of the chair. (I might as well have been climbing Mt. Everest), but I did finally make it out.  Sure enough when I looked under the chair, (that was another Herculean task) I saw that the power cord had pulled loose from the chair. 

So now I am back in the chair, vibrating and baking and I am NOT getting up for anything. 

 Please don't call because I left my. phone in the kitchen.