BRAIN FREEZE

 I wish it were just my brain that is freezing but that is not the case.   Every morning when I wake up here on the farm in Michigan the first thing I do is grab my phone and check the weather. I could just look out the window but that can be quite deceiving. Take this morning for instance.  I woke up around 8:30 and looked out the bedroom window.  The Man was already out in the kitchen having his cup of coffee. 

There's a side blog here.  We have small one cup coffee maker that uses pods which are in a basket on the counter by the coffee maker.  All you have to do is put the little pod in the machine, pour water in the back of the machine and push ONE button. ( OK, so you do have to remember to put your coffee cup under the spout but most times we do remember.)  The man comes from the bedroom with his walker, rolls across the kitchen, right past the fridge and over to the counter where the coffee maker is.  He then has to reach into the cabinet right over his head to get a mug.  Reach into the basket to get a coffee pod and turn on the water faucet to get the water to pour into the machine.  He does all this then sits on the walker seat and waits.  Sure enough, two minutes later he has his coffee.  He has always added just a little Half and Half to the black coffee until he decided it was too much work to open the fridge to get out the Half and Half. So now we buy little tiny cups of coffee creamer like the ones that you get in a restaurant.  (That is if you don't have a senior citizen in your group who immediately empties them and the entire supply of sweetener packets into their purse.)  So . . .  the coffee ritual takes no amount of energy or time but The Man has decided it is too exhausting so he will do without his coffee.  STUPID, STUPID ME !   I started putting out his coffee mug, pod, spoon and water so now I am EXPECTED to do this every night.  I forgot one night this past week and someone other than me was in a snit because he had to go through the process all by himself.  GIVE ME A BREAK !!  

Anyway, back to the topic at hand.   I looked out the window to find the sun shining like I haven't seen in months.  Bright sunny day with the sun reflecting off the snow. (OH YES!  We still have lots of snow). Now because the sun was shining I stupidly assumed the day would be warmer than it has been for the. last month or two.  I opened the window as I usually do to let some fresh air in the room before I made the bed. HOLY CRAP !!!  It was FREEZING out there.  No wind, just beautiful sunshine and a temperature of MINUS 17 DEGREES but it felt like MINUS THIRTY THREE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I slammed the window shut and went back to bed.  When I got up at 10 it had warmed up nicely.  It was now only MINUS NINE DEGREES.     

Have I mentioned I do NOT "do" cold ???   I moved to Florida for exactly that reason and yet here I am in the arctic.  I do not like this Sam I am !  

I am really ready to return to sunny Florida and leave my boots, gloves, hat, winter coat, scarf, wool socks, flannel pants, fleece jacket under the coat and The Man right here.  Bye Bye Bye !!!

Two more weeks and I'm out of here.  Hopefully not in a snow storm because my flight is at 6:15 AM and if it is snowing I don't think the little plane that takes me to Detroit will be able to fly.  That would be a cruel joke on me but at this point I think I would just start walking. 

I'M LOOSING IT

 For most of my life I have used the phrase "I'm loosing it" to express my mental state.  When the kids were growing up and I was racing from one soccer field to another with a stop at the little league field before running into the store to get food so I could go home to make dinner before Husband arrived home I would often say "I'm loosing it".  And often I WAS loosing it. Just hanging on by a thread to get through another day.   I don't miss that part of my life. 

Now I have entered into another phase of life where I am loosing EVERYTHING except my mind. (My mind was lost all those years ago which is leaving a lot of room for me to totally focus on all the other things I can manage to loose. ) 

Last night as I was searching for my glasses, which normally are sitting on my face but for some reason I had taken them off so now they were among the missing.  I think it was my eyesight that was the first to slowly drift off into the mysterious fog of aging.  I was in my 40's when I realized I could no longer read the writing on a can of soup or a box of cereal.  I was now that woman in the grocery store stretching my arm as far as it would go trying to bring the item in question into focus.  I gave in and bought "cheaters" by the dozen so I could leave a pair of reading glasses in every room of the house.  And still I would loose them.  Desperation set in and I made my first appointment with an eye doctor. I have progressed to wearing bifocal glasses full time for distance and reading. But when I take them off I always manage to loose them.

Next to go was my hearing.  That one really sucks !  At first I couldn't hear the grand kids clearly. Now I am to the point where I can't hear ANYONE clearly.  It is super frustrating that I am wearing hearing aids but after ten years they are not helping very much. Time to loose some money and get new high tech ones. 

Which while we are speaking of "loosing" money I am also loosing teeth and those puppies cost a FORTUNE to fix and/or replace.  Holy crap !   I mean inflation has affected everyone but for goodness sake,  teeth, eyes and ears are pretty essential to life so can't we get a break here.  It seems that the magic number for purchasing teeth and hearing aids starts around six thousand dollars and goes up from there,  I can't afford to loose any more body parts that are not covered by insurance.  Another few years and I will be the homeless, toothless, deaf old lady sitting on a park bench with my bag of junk that I carry everywhere because if I put it down I will loose it. 

As for other body parts I have lost there are several.  I "lost" my tonsils at age 3.  progressed on to my 40's when things really started falling apart,  Knee, shoulder, gall bladder, several female parts and new pieces of my heart  My body is like a topographical map of Tibet.  Lines of scars  all over the place.  

The latest area of loss is my hair. I always had thick hair.  Now it is as thin as hair on a snake.  Every time I wash my hair I collect a wad of hair from the drain. If I had been smart I could have started weaving a fur coat from the hair I've lost.  I can't wear dark color clothes because the falling hair lands on my shirts making me look like a wooly bear caterpillar.  Only problem is this caterpillar is never going to turn into a butterfly.  Instead I will remain a hairless, blind, toothless, deaf moth.  Now there's something to look forward to. 

Moving on to other losses in my life.   I have lost my youth. Which really isn't lost, it's just hidden inside this old body. Because youth is a state of mind I am never going to lose that.  

Sadly though,  the worst thing about aging is the loss of people in my life.  I am so blessed to have so many amazing people as part of my life. Unfortunately none of us live forever so when I "loose" someone close to me it hurts.  No amount of money can replace those we love. Which is a good thing because after all these other "losses" I have no money left. 

Time keeps moving on and I keep loosing "things". The one and only thing I have not lost is weight !  

MIRACLE MILE

 There is a running joke about the "miracle flights" where passengers in wheel chairs line up at the boarding gate in airports. The airline staff push them down the jetway to the plane where they are seated as close to the front of the plane as possible.   When the plane arrives at its destination all the wheel chair passengers are suddenly cured of their disability. They jump up and race up the jetway seemingly in perfect health.  It's a MIRACLE !!!!!!

I am living with a man who has daily "miracles" when it suits him. I, on the other hand,  will be confined to a wheel chair for the rest of my life from all the "jumping up and getting" required when The Man suddenly can NOT do anything for himself.   I guess I should be used to it.  After three kids and a husband who tried to get mom to do EVERYTHING for them this is not a new thing.  I never had trouble telling the kids to "do it yourself" or "get it yourself" but for some reason it is harder for me with a man.  Probably because they get so pissy and go into their "POOR ME!"  mood that will last for days. 

Right now, as I write this, The Man is STANDING in the living room.  I have not seen him stand upright since I got here in October.  He is always sitting and if he does stand he is all hunched over as he               S L O W L Y pushes his walker to the bathroom or bedroom.  At night I make at least ten trips out to the kitchen to get things he has "forgotten" or needs.  This morning I was asked to get him a protein drink from the fridge just three seconds after he walked right past the fridge. This sort of thing happens all the time.   

My favorite miracle happened two nights ago as we were getting ready for sleep.  It was just after midnight and I was DONE !  I had made my six thousand trips out to the kitchen for The Man and I was ready to sleep.  Before I got into the bed I asked if there was ANYTHING else he needed. I got a "no thank you" and stupidly believed him.  I crawled into bed, turned off my light, took off my glasses, took out my hearing aids, put on my c-pap mask and was just ready to relax when I heard a voice.  I was hoping it was God telling me I did good today and I should have a nice nights sleep but alas . . .   God does not speak to me from behind a bi-pap mask.  I knew it was The Man but since I  no longer have my hearing aids in and The Man is wearing a plastic mask over his mouth and nose,  I CAN NOT make out a single thing he is saying.   I take off my. mask, put in my hearing aids, turn on the light and ask him to take off his f'ing mask and say again what he wanted.  (I should have just rolled over and ignored him.) At 12:20 in the middle of the night The Man wanted to know if I had a NAIL FILE .   I was totally dumbfounded !!!!!!  A nail file ?????????????   It seems that the previous night he had slept with his false teeth in and he had woken up with the partial plate on the bottom snapped in two. He had just had a "spare" plate made two. months ago but had not yet gotten around to wearing it to break it in.  Now his old plate is broken so he wears the new plate ALL day. By midnight his mouth is sore so  (YOU BETTER SIT DOWN NOW) . . . that he wants a nail file to file down one of the teeth on the plate that is rubbing on his gums.  Need I remind you it IS AFTER MIDNIGHT !!!!     I calmly tell him I do not have a nail file so he says, "I THINK THERE IS ONE IN THE KITCHEN OR IN THE GARAGE "   The garage is about 50 feet from the house, It is after midnight, there is 4 feet of snow on the ground and the temperature is MINUS THREE degrees !!!! It really is a wonder I did not grab one of his rifles from behind the door where his bathrobes are and BLOW HIS FREAKING HEAD OFF !!!!      What I did do was just roll over, take out my "ears" and shut off the light.   I did not dare open my mouth for fear of what might come out.  God give me strength because there is always more. 

Every night just before we go to sleep I turn down the thermostat from "Tropical Rain Forest" to "Antartica".  I can not sleep when it is 103 degrees in the bedroom.  I figure The Man is under the covers so he won't freeze. ( I have yet to have him tell me how cold he was during the night.)  I am instructed ("asked") to turn the heat up if I get up before him in the morning.  (That NEVER happens I love to sleep in until at least 9:30.). When I do get up in the morning and walk out to the kitchen I find The Man sitting in his underwear with a cotton long sleeve shirt on to "keep him warm".  The Man owns TWO  bathrobes ! One is quilted the other is fuzzy. He NEVER wears them.  He would rather sit freezing for 2 hours until I get up so he can have me turn up the thermostat.  The reason he doesn't put on his bathrobe is because, "IT IS TOO HARD TO GET FROM BEHIND THE BEDROOM DOOR".  He is opening and walking through the door to get to the kitchen but it is too hard to grab the bathrobe as he goes by !  The reason he does not turn up the heat himself is . . .   it is too far to walk to the thermostat.   It is FIVEsteps from the kitchen door to the kitchen chair and SEVEN steps to the thermostat .  But the poor thing can not make it those extra TWO steps to crank up the heat.   

I accept all this because I know how difficult it is for him to breathe. BUT today when his grand daughter stopped by to pick up some things that were in the living room, (remember the living room? It is the room that The Man never goes into because it is too far for him to walk . . . ) Except for when something is going on out there and he NEEDS to haves nose in what ever is HAPPENING.  His grand daughter came in, chatted for a few and then headed out to the living room with a cardboard box to fill with the things that The Man wanted her to take.  She no sooner opened the living room door when The Man JUMPED up and literally raced in to follow her.  (He did use the walker). Once he was in the living room he STOOD up watching her every move and proceeded to instruct her how to load everything in the box.  Usually The Man can manage standing for about 30 seconds.  He stood there today for ELEVEN MINUTES !  I timed him!   

Another miracle !!!!!!!!!!!  

Of course he is now in bed taking a nap while he left me to give instructions to the helper who is coming later today.  I wonder if I instructed her to murder The Man would she do that?  I'LL LET YOU KNOW..