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 I couldn't decide what to name this blog because I  didn't want to attract perverts with a shower fetish. I decided I would just write my story and make you wade through my usual drivel to get to the punch line. 

It all began with the weather.  It is rainy season in Florida which can vary day to day from monsoon to a slight shower that lasts 23 seconds.  (Yes, I have timed them.) It is the time of the year to ALWAYS have an umbrella with you when you go anywhere.  Even out to the mailbox.  The sun can be shinning as you walk out your front door and by the time you have walked 50 steps you find yourself in a full blown Cat 5 hurricane.  This year we are lucking out on no hurricanes but the daily afternoon thunder and lightening has been magnificent and loud. (The neighborhood pets are so traumatized that if you honk your horn at them they pass out.) It will pour rain for less than 3 minutes and the sun is back out.  All of this makes any outdoor activities a challenge to say the least. 

With this sort of weather my "garden" is a mess. It has been for about 3 years but my son and daughter-in-law helped me get a start on attacking weeds when they visited in July.  I have been slowly putting pots of small flowering plants around the lanai to add some color.  Because of the weather it is a rare day that my ambition matches the weather conditions. (This is a gift from God because HE knows just when I need to get my butt out of the house and when I need to cover my head and do nothing.  Apparently God REALLY wanted me outside today because when I got up this morning I found one of the sections of screening on the lanai had ripped loose during the night so now every squirrel, bird, iguana or neighbor can just walk on in.   I went out to take pictures to send to my landlord and decided I really needed to stay outside and straighten up the mess I had made. A few days ago I decided to dig out Halloween decorations and get a jump on that.  (Of course when I have a mess I need to take out more stuff to make an even bigger mess.) I ate a quick breakfast and was headed out to the lanai when the sky opened and it poured.  So I came back in.  About 3 hours later I tried again and actually got to do some actual gardening.  Re potting some pants, moving pots around, spraying down the cement, trimming the hibiscus that had gone bananas and spread all over the place and then of course the painful but necessary clean up.  By the time I was done I was one hot and sweaty mess.  Mud caked on my arms and legs, dirt in my hair and sweat dripping off my glasses so much that I needed windshield wipers.  I NEEDED a shower !!!!!!   I was so dirty that I didn't even want to walk into the house but I didn't think the landscapers that were out cutting the lawns in the common areas would appreciate a Lady Godiva wanna-be running across her patio.  

Back in my bathroom I was so hot and nasty that I got into the shower before the water even had a chance to heat up. Never has a cold shower appealed to me more. I soaked my hair, lathered a ton of shampoo in it and started to feel around for my wash cloth.  Because I have shampoo pouring down my face I am working blind in my search.  I couldn't find the wash cloth so I decided to just grab the soap and make the best of it. Now I knew where the soap was and could find it with my eyes closed except I had forgotten to replace the sliver of paper thin soap with a new bar when I showered last night. Oh Well, I'll take the scrap of soap, wash myself off . . .  it would be better than nothing.  It was at that moment that I found my wash cloth hanging on the opposite side of the shower where, for some strange reason, I had left it last nite.  OK  We are now making progress,  Wash cloth . . .  check.   Soap . . .   oh oh, where the hell did the soap go??? This is getting ridiculous !!!  I am feeling all over the shower for the soap but having no luck so I finally rinse my hair so I can see.  NO soap !   Not in the soap dish, not on the floor of the shower. Where the hell did it go?  At this point all I want to do is get clean, go sit down and relax.  The hell with the soap, I'll scrub what I can with the cloth and shower again tonight with a new bar of soap. With that I reach around to my lower back and lo and behold there is the sliver of soap stuck to my butt.  

I must confess I lost it.  I started laughing so hard I almost drown myself and would have wet my pants if I had had any on. I immediately knew I had to share this with you in the hope that it brings you a smile to brighten your day.   (I'm still giggling as I write this.)

WHY I CAN'T LOOSE WEIGHT

 I do not consider myself FAT.  My doctor seems to have another opinion.  As I get off the scale in her office I see her writing something on her tablet and I know exactly what she is writing. It is that very bad word . . .  NO not the "F" one . . .  this one starts with an "O".  Sure enough when I get home and check the "Patient Portal" to read a review of the visit I just had the first thing I note is that I am considered OBEASE.  That's the fancy doctor speak for FAT.   Being 5' 4" and 162 lbs I really think I am just poundage challenged.  Now when I came out of the hospital after heart surgery last year I was quite a bit lighter. All it took was 2 weeks of not eating and tripping out in La La Land.  Once I got off the happy meds my appetite returned with a vengeance and within a month I was back at my "normal" weight.  

Should I loose some weight . . .  Absolutely !!!!!!!!    Have I been motivated . . .  Yes !!!  Just when I get focused on watching what I eat something happens and all hell breaks loose.  Take this morning for instance.

Let me return first to this past weekend.  My daughter and her family and my Florida son and the twins all gathered at my condo on Saturday.  I don't get an opportunity to feed my family so I like to make a nice meal for them when we do get together.  Only problem is I do not like spending their entire visit in the kitchen prepping, cooking, serving and cleaning up.  To be fair my daughter is a HUGE help.  My son ad son-in-law . . .   not so much.   The guys are VERY good at asking, "Do you need any help?" , "Is there anything I can do for you?"  rather than seeing what needs to be done and just DOING IT !   But as I have written about many, many times before they just think and see things differently.  

To avoid too much work on my part I decided to order pre made servings of Chicken Parm and pasta from a local Italian market.  I picked up the food Saturday morning and by the time every one had arrived and was ready to eat the food was hot!   In addition to the chicken and pasta I ordered a bag of lettuce, a HUGE tomato and TWO loaves of Italian bread fresh from the markets bakery.  I don't know about you but in order to enjoy any Italian dinner there MUST be bread!!!!  (And lots of butter!).   Needless to say I ate more bread than chicken.  I tried very hard to keep the pasta at a bite or twenty but the bread did me in!   

I have been trying to keep carbs and sugar out of my diet and when I do that I feel so much better.  No bread induced arthritis pain in my hands.  No pasta caused craving of sweets and thus no tummy troubles. There really is something to this if only I didn't love my carbs.   I can do without potatoes but can NOT give up a piece of bread when it is sitting on the counter top calling to me.   "Hellooooooooo. Come and get me.  I am soooooooooo yummy."     Well I did not do well on Saturday.   As a result of my bread orgy I gained 4 pounds and felt like crap.  My stomach was so blown up, my arthritis was killing me and yet in spite of all that I still wanted MORE  . . . . . . . 

Sunday I did not do well diet wise.  Monday I did a little better, Tuesday and Wednesday I started to see the scale numbers going down  .  OK.  I've got this.   I am back on track. Good for me !!!!!

And then it all hit the fan.

This. morning I had the cable guy scheduled to come and fix my internet and cable thanks to AT&T having cut the cable company wires when they were "fixing" someone's phone service on Saturday.  I couldn't get an appointment until today.  It has been a Loooooonnnnnnng week of entertaining myself.  I have several things to keep me busy. Jigsaw puzzles, sudoko, Crypt-o-grams in the paper and of course COOKING !!!!!!!!   Or rather I should say BAKING !!!    Having a ton of leftovers from Saturdays feast I did not need to cook but there is always a need to bake. 

The cable guy was scheduled to be here between 8 AM. (IN THE MORNING !!!!!) and 10 AM.  Normally I would have to set my alarm for the ten AM, never mind even considering being among the living at eight.  But because I have waited all week for the TV and internet to return I was up at 6:00 AM.  It was still dark outside but I was up and ready to greet the cable guy.  Now not being used to having to face the world at this unGodly hour my stomach decided we needed nourishment or we would die before the repair man arrived.  As I opened the fridge the first thing I saw was a container of canned peaches that I had opened before the weekend.  I checked to see if anything was growing in with the fruit and decided that it was still OK to consume.  But just in case there was some fungus hiding in the peach slices I knew I would HAVE to bake something with the peaches so that if they were "contaminated" the heat from the oven would kill any and all nastiness.  (I really did know the. peaches were fine but I had to tell myself I needed to bake. Heaven forbid I just throw out the fruit!).  I just happened to have one frozen pie crust in my freezer that really needed to get used up.  I defrosted the pie crust, chopped up the peaches, added "Craisins" and walnuts which I then rolled into pie crust pockets and ended up with 6 mini fruit turnovers.  But wait !!!!!  . . .    there are still some peaches, nuts and craisin mix left over so I added some shredded coconut and chocolate chips,  mixed up some Bisquick, sugar, peach juice and vanilla, poured that in a small pie pan and sprinkled the mix over the top and baked that.  

Right now I have 6 turnovers and a peach "cake" sitting in my kitchen just waiting to be eaten by none other than the Obese woman who just baked them.

And I wonder why I can't loose weight .

P.S.    The cable guy showed up at 9:30 and did a great job.   I am about to go flop on the couch to watch some TV and eat a healthy snack of peaches . . . .+