WHAT'S THAT NOISE ?

I bought a book for the grand kids. It's called " What's That Noise, Little Mouse?" (by Stephanie Stansbie and Polona Lovsin)  It's a cute book that advertises on the front cover;
                             A FUN-FILLED BOOK OF SURPRISE SOUNDS !

As I thumbed through the book after bringing it home I got to thinking I should write and record my own book based on all the sounds I hear in the space of a day. I'm not talking chirping birds or gently splashing waves, I'm talking the "inside" noises that even manage to drown out the sound of Fox News.  I can only imagine what the neighbors think on those beautiful days when the windows are open. Thankfully that doesn't happen that often or we might be dealing with police being called to save the neighbors from the rampaging water buffalo that resides here.

Yes, once again I am talking about Husband. He has always been loud but lately he is excessively noisy. He sits in his chair and lets out the weirdest sounds.  He grunts, snorts, bellows, (as in GARUMPH!) for no apparent reason.  He has the normal bodily sounds of loud, persistent burping, the snort that is brought on when he half dozes off and wakes himself up, stomach growling that can be heard for miles and the sneeze that rattles windows and blows the pillows off the couch.  But then there are the noises that he chooses to make.  He whistles, whines, snorts, bellows, burps, grunts, groans and gurgles.

But by far, the MOST annoying noise is his breathing.  Now, if I could only get him to stop breathing I would be in heaven ! Lest you think I am being cruel, let me explain.  Most  people breathe quietly. You DO NOT hear the air being taken in or expelled out. Maybe, on occasion, someone may have a cold or sinus problems and their breathing causes a slight whistle or such. I'm not talking about those sort of sounds. I'm talking sounds that can be heard from one end of the house to the other. (A good thing in the case of not being able to be surprised by H just appearing out of no where.) I can hear this man coming a mile away. It seems that he needs to add sound effects to his normal breathing, perhaps to prove to himself that he is, indeed, alive.?
Breathing in, usually results in a type of whistling intake of breath but exaggerated beyond belief. There's a woof whistle whine sort of sound that mimics the sound of a small vacuum. Annoying as that is, it is the exhale that REALLY gets me.  I've written before about H R HUFF-N-PUFF and so this isn't something new. H just came into the bedroom to see what I was doing and I could hear him coming. "HUFF, PUFF, POOF, OOFF, PUFF PUFF PUFF". He is like the little engine that could. I am sad to admit that these noises MAKE ME CRAZY !
And Heaven forbid the noises should be contained in the house.  The other day at church I was getting into the quiet zone of prayer when I started to hear the piff piff piff sound of H blowing out little puffs of air onto his clasped hands. That's when I slowly start to slide away from him along the pew and pretend I am with the family to my left.

I should be happy he is still breathing . . . .  BUT . . .