WANDERING THROUGH THE DESSERT

Or wait . . .  did I mean Desert ? I always get those two words mixed up. Desert / Dessert ?  Which one is sand and which one is food ?
No I got it right.  I meant the food one. Well, actually I mean to say that I am wandering through the desert of loss and my journey is taking me past every dessert there is. It seems that I am finally coming to terms with Ger's death and in doing so I am eating all the goodies I can find, like that will help.

I woke up early today, actually I woke up again and again and again so I finally GOT up at 7:09 this morning. ME, NOT SLEEP ??????????  Unheard of !   But considering the stuff that is filtering into my brain it is understandable.  I seem to have gotten past the celebratory stage of Ger not having to fight cancer any longer and am now drifting into the, "HEY!  I'm all alone here!" stage. Quite normal but in my case unexpected.  I thought I had this whole thing under control and well taken care of. HA!
So being up early today I went to mass. Funny how these things work. Our new pastor said the mass and gave a wonderful homily that was, naturally, addressed directly to me. He talked about the Israelites wandering in the desert, (not dessert) for 40 years. Our pastor was saying how this always baffled him because when you look on a map Jerusalem is not that far from Egypt so to be lost and wandering for FORTY years really took some effort. He said that at most, without ever asking for directions you might get lost for a year, but 40?  That's just insane ! UNLESS . . . The Jews just weren't paying attention to GOD !  (Sound familiar?)  Here was God talking to them, telling them what to do and yet they just didn't listen. (At this point of the sermon I 'm beginning to get the message.)
All of us, at some point in our lives, get wandering through our own deserts. (With or without eating all the dessert that we can and we wander around.) There are all sorts of deserts; depression, pain, loss, loneliness,  anger. You know how it is when you have been there feeling totally alone and at a loss as to which way to turn and what to do next. The thing is, GOD is talking to us trying to help us get out of that nasty place but we have to listen to hear him. THAT is the hard part. It takes a lot of practice and patience to hear the voice of God. Not like Moses who had God showing up in raging fires, bolts of lightening and thunder from the clouds. We get butterfly whispers that are really hard to hear but the more you realize they ARE there the closer you listen and the better you can hear.

It was a tough decision to get up this morning. I am leaning toward depression where I can sleep 24/7 but I also am aware of this and so am working at not letting it overwhelm me. God sent me his angels to get me up this morning and boy oh boy, when they set their mind to doing something there is nothing you can do but go along with it. After waking up over and over all night long I figured that I would just stay in bed till noon. But then I woke up at 6:45 . . .WIDE AWAKE !  No freaking way ! I told the angels to bugger off and rolled over. I guess I dozed but then woke again at 7:09 really having to pee. That was the last straw! I knew I was supposed to get up and if I was up I would go to mass. And aren't I glad I did. Not only did God speak to me but he inspired me to talk to you.

LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN