GETTING THE MESSAGE

 It is said that God speaks to all of us, all we have to do is listen.  I have daily, sometimes hourly, chats with the Lord and I know for a fact that He listens. He also always answers me. I may not care for the answer I get but there IS always an answer.  

My latest "adventure" with The Lord has been through The Holy Spirit.  Now if you're not Catholic you may not be that familiar with The Holy Spirit. Read the book "The Shack" and you'll get a very unique and cleaver idea about what this part of the Holy Trinity is all about.  

A few months ago I received a small booklet in the mail from one of the MANY religious organizations that like to send me daily requests for support.  They will often send me little items such as prayer cards, an occasional rosary, books and greeting cards.  This particular booklet was for a 9 day novena to the Holy Spirit. The Novena started this past Friday and will continue until this coming Saturday.  Each day there is a "theme" along with some very short readings pertaining to that theme.  Yesterday's topic was PATIENCE. A favorite topic of mine because I REALLY struggle with this virtue.  As a child my mother would forever be reciting  "Patience is a virtue, possesses it if you can.  It's seldom in a woman but NEVER in a man."   (My mother was a very wise woman! Of course I didn't realize this until I became a mother.)

So yesterday when I opened my little novena booklet and saw that the day's focus was on patience I had to laugh. Apparently God heard that laugh and it was down hill for me from that moment on.

First let me explain that it has been quite chilly, windy and rainy up here for most of this past month. That does not bother me in the least because I enjoy putting on 12 sweat shirts and pants, wool socks, gloves, hats and boots just to go out to the mail box.  I keep telling myself it is a refreshing change from Florida. If it is just too nasty to go out I find many things to occupy my time besides eating and watching TV like some people we know.  Each year The Man can't wait to return to Michigan after his winter in Florida because in Florida he has nothing to occupy his time. He always thinks that as soon as he  returns to MI the weather will be perfect for him to get out on his mower and do some things outside. It is not easy to be so limited because of his breathing issues so the joy he gets from riding around on his mower on his property in MI keeps him alive.  Unfortunately the weather has not cooperated since our return and he has been staying inside all the time.  (There are only so many episodes of "Cops", hunting shows and that show about the pawn shop owners in Vegas.  The hockey play offs for the Stanley Cup have been a God send but those games are all in the evening.) The damp, cold dreary days are wearing thin on The Man which means I need to have extra helpings of patience.  

It was a particularly trying weekend so the little reminder from God for me to be patient really made me laugh.  I mean who wouldn't be loosing their patience when cooped up with The Man AND two 12 year old little girls ?????  Oh, did I forget to mention the house guests we had on Friday night ?   

Last Monday I received a text message from The Man's youngest grand daughter asking if she and a friend could come spend the weekend with us here at the farm.  (We shall refer to the grand daughter as "DK"). DK LOVES being at her grand pa's farm.  She lives in town with her dad and is often "pawned off" on relatives and neighbors in town while her dad runs his bar. (It has got to be a difficult way to spend your childhood.). So when DK asks to come out here I try to get The Man to agree, even though he doesn't like having kids around getting into his "stuff". (ie, the barn, garage, house.     PATIENCE !    When it comes to kids The Man needs a novena about patience).   I did get him to agree to DK and friend coming for ONE night and one day.  I picked the girls up at 3:00 on Friday after school and brought them back here where they promptly asked if they could go out into the woods and explore the farm.  That prompted a 20 minute "discussion" (lecture) on where they could and could not go on the property. Basically what The Man said was, "Don't do anything or go anywhere). I told them to go out and be careful.      PATIENCE !

Apparently The Man has forgotten what it is like to be a kid.  Even though I have heard story after story about him and his brothers growing up in this area.  They spent their lives in the woods and around the farm with no supervision at all.  And they survived.  But when his grand daughter wants to walk out to the pond she is given a lecture.  This kid has been taking care of herself since she was two.         PATIENCE !

I had a great time with the girls and they had a great time being here.  I was patient with them, they were patient with me, grand pa was patient with no one.   The girls went home on Saturday evening so The Man was able to return to his routine of food and TV.  Sunday we were both exhausted so we just laid low. Then came Monday.  The day that God was waiting for to teach me    PATIENCE !

The Man has been watching the weather all month waiting for THE PERFECT DAY for him to go out on his mower.  MONDAY was going to be THAT DAY !!!!!!  Temperatures in the low 70's.  Sun will be shining. The grass has been growing like crazy because of all the rain so The Man was up and ready to go. His mower has been gassed up and ready to go for weeks.   But wait . . .   first we have to wait for the sun to get shining which it usually doesn't do until around 9AM. (Mornings here are usually overcast and/or foggy because of Lake Michigan being so close.) OK, sun is starting to come out but it is still only in the 50's so we now have to wait for it to warm up.  Then the "breeze" off the lake starts to build into something like a category 4 hurricane.  (There is ALWAYS a breeze off the lake and it is ALWAYS a COLD breeze because that lake water is freezing!) The "Perfect Day" is still trying to pull itself together and The Man is chomping at the bit to get outside.  Just as he decides he is ready to venture out of the house the neighbor kid shows up on his bike, hops on The Man's mower and starts to mow the lawn ! (This is an arrangement The Man has made with the kid.  Mow my lawn for me all summer and I will pay you.  The "lawn" takes about 4 hours to mow and The Man is not up to riding on his mower for that length of time.  At most he makes it about an hour before he is exhausted.) But the timing on this particular day was priceless !!!!  The Man was ready to ride and now here is the neighbor off and riding on The Man's mower.  I found it all pretty hysterical but I am smart enough to have kept that to myself.  PATIENCE !

Could The Man have gone outside anyway and found some small thing to do out there ?  Of course but instead he stayed in side all moopy and grumpy until he decided we needed to go get gas for the mower. Excellent plan !  We left the kid mowing and off we went to the gas station at the top of the hill.  When I took the gas can out of the car and went to twist off the cap the spout and cap disintegrated in my hand. (Who says plastic doesn't decompose when left out in the elements for 10 years? )  We left the can in the gas station garbage can and came home.  PATIENCE !  

All I can tell you is that I think I got the message and I am asking The Lord to PLEASE stop giving me any more opportunities to practice patience.  

I can't wait to see what today's message will be.  

THE PLUG

 I realize I am a little ACDC . . . Oh wait,  not that, I'm OCD . . .   Yeh, that's what I am. Obsessive/Compulsive which is just a fancy term for being a know-it-all that likes to be right. What ever the "disorder" is I OFTEN find myself screaming inside trying very hard not to slap someone up side their head.  It usually works but it continues to get harder by the day.  The permanent scar that I have on the tip of my tongue from "bitting my tongue" is now so thick that I have developed a lisp.  (All of this is of course an exaggeration but not too far from reality.)

Today's exercise in tongue biting comes from You Know Who,  AKA The Man.  (I know for a fact that Husband is up in Heaven laughing his fool head off because it is no longer him causing my insanity. Something he was quite good at!).   

When The Man travels anywhere, whether it is 3 miles into town or 3 thousand miles across the country he ALWAYS carries several sources of oxygen. I totally understand that the thought of not being able to breathe can be quite stressful so naturally the more oxygen tanks and concentrators the better.  I have NO problem what so ever with this. In fact I totally support and assist in making sure we have all the tanks, machines and power sources that might be needed should one or more of the concentrators fails to work. The new mini van has been a God send in this department because it is now so easy to slide open the side door and load two concentrators right in back of the drivers seat.  Another concentrator gets loaded into the van  on the other side of the vehicle. In addition to the 3 concentrators there is also a full tank of oxygen in the "way back" and a small tank of oxygen on the seat in back of the driver.  In case you are not counting that is FIVE sources of oxygen being carried with us at any given moment.  The two small concentrators are not plugged into the van's power source until they might be needed but we carry all the charging wires with us.  All three of the concentrators have plugs that go into the cigarette lighter in the car and an additional set of wires that plug directly into a wall outlet at our destinations.  We are prepared for any and all possible emergencies. 

The Man is a meticulous person when it comes to his breathing.  As well he should be.  It is, after all, quite literally a matter of life or death.  With that in mind then would someone please explain what his problem is regarding THE PLUG !?

OK . . . The Man has had the larger concentrator for quite a few years.  It was one of the first machines that he got when his COPD had progressed to the point of needing air 24/7.  In all this time I have NEVER, EVER seen this machine receive any maintenance what so ever.  I have not seen The Man clean filters or do anything to any part of this machine to keep it functioning at peak performance. For the most part the machine just sits in the back seat of the car waiting to be turned on when we get in the car.  It has a battery that will power it if it's left on by mistake when the car is turned off but its main source of power is the car's engine. It is connected to the car's power by a cord that plugs into the cigarette lighter. (I'm sure you know what that little plug looks like . . . sort of torpedo shaped with a little metal button on the end) When we get into the car The Man turns on the car engine and then reaches over and turns on the concentrator. If all is working as it should be the concentrator starts up, a series of little green lights come on and off we go.

Over a week ago . . .  WELL OVER a week ago . . .  there was one little green light that did not come on when the machine was started.  This particular little light indicates that the concentrator is getting "juice" from the car so you know it is not using up its battery power.  (These batteries last about two hours so if we are on a six hour trip the concentrator needs to be powered from the car engine, not its own battery)

 I don't know how The Man first noticed this issue but it was cause for much cursing and swearing. Along with the verbal tirade The Man began pulling the plug out of the cigarette lighter and putting it back in. (This is all being done while he is driving) When that didn't work I had to reach into the back seat and pull the cord out of the machine and re plug it to see if that made any difference.  (NOPE) So The Man resumed pulling and pushing the plug.  (Nada) The next step was to remove the plug from the lighter, shake it, slap it on the palm of his hand and then plug it back in. (Nothing) (By now I am thinking that maybe we should just pull over to work on this but those words never were spoken). FINALLY . . . after much pulling, pushing, slapping, shaking and even a small spray of spit the little green light came on !!!

PHEW !!!  We are good to go.  NOT !!  Only a short time later the little green light went back out but because we were near home we just rode in using battery power.  Once at home The Man went through all his antics again and then plugged the machine into an extension cord connected to the house.  The battery charged back up, the little green light came on and all was well with the world.

UNTIL the next time we got into the car and turned on the concentrator.  It was like the movie "Groundhog Day",  Repeat repeat repeat . . .  This has now been our daily routine for at least 2 weeks. EVERY single time we get into the car the EXACT same things occur.  Light goes out and The Man goes nuts.  Kind of sounds like the definition of insanity to me . . .  Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results . . .   

My take on the whole thing . . .  the machine is tired, probably as tired as I am, and it needs some R&R. I have gently asked if there is someplace that the machine can be taken to have it "overhauled" or at least cleaned but so far I am being totally ignored.  Today The Man did say he was going to call the VA and tell them he is having a problem with the charger and see if they can send him a new one. So far that hasn't happened.

 I guess that 's a start at least but if my breathing depended on it I think I might be a little more proactive.

THE "HOPTEL"

 We had an adventure . . . Any given day with The Man is"An Adventure" but this was a bonafide REAL adventure.   

On Sunday we left The UP around 10:30 AM and headed south. Going anywhere from the UP constitutes driving about 2 hours on "back roads" to get to anything that resembles a highway.  Sunday's  adventure took us down M35 from The Man's house to the Menominee River where the highway ends because the Menominee River is the boarder between Michigan and Wisconsin.  Once into Wisconsin the road becomes Rt. 41 and we pass into the Central Time Zone so we gain an hour.  It's one of those trips where we can leave the farm at 10AM and get to Menominee at 10AM.   I Love it !      Anyway . . .  once across the river and into Wisconsin we continued south another 3 hours until we arrived in Milwaukee .  (If you had asked me 2 years ago how to spell Milwaukee I couldn't have done it.  Now I'm a pro.). 

The reason we come to Milwaukee is to go to the doctor.  Yup !  A FOUR hour drive to see a doctor!  But when your doctors are all VA doctors and you live in the UP you have to travel to see any sort of specialist.  This is where we travel to in order to see cardiologists and pulmonologists. (The Man has "end stage COPD" AND a crappy heart. A charming combination of problems that seems to run in his family.)

Back in 2017 when I first started spending time with The Man he was only using oxygen occasionally. He rapidly "fell apart" soon after that to where he needed oxygen full time.  Later that year we became aware of the fact that much of his breathing issues were a result of the poor functioning of his heart.  Crazy how they are both related.  As a result of all this The Man sees both heart and lung doctors about every three months.   Thus the trip to Milwaukee and our stay at the hoptel. ( Hospital and Hotel combined.)

I understand that one can not or should not "look a gift horse in the mouth" but this place to stay REALLY could use some improvements.  We have stayed here before and I have noted the same complaints each and every time we are here and each and every time I think that we really should spend the freaking money and stay in a real hotel.  I think that maybe this time The Man may have gotten the message so that hopefully our next trip to this VA hospital we will make reservations at a hotel, not the hoptel.

Why is it so bad you may ask . . . well . . .   The building itself really isn't bad.  It is right next to the hospital so it is super convenient but that is about all it has going for it.  It is a one story building that makes me think of an elementary school. The main door, (which is always locked so you have to speak to the office through an intercom by the door) leads into a long hallway off of which are lots and lots of rooms. The office is right inside the front door and the lady in the office is super lovely and helpful. Once we "sign in" she gives us our lanyards that contain our "pass" to the hoptel and a key card that opens the main door and the door to our room. We are also given a "goodie bag" that contains a bottle of water, a small package of tissues, some cookies, some candies and a small bottle of sanitizer.  (They should keep their cookies and tissues and give you a blanket !)

 The room is something out of a 1960's hospital.  The walls are painted some nondescript color, there are 2 hospital beds next to each other with an old fashioned recliner and a basic chair standing side by side between the 2 beds.  As with most hospital rooms there are curtains on a track that runs across the rook and between the beds for privacy. (If you are staying in a "hotel" I don't know why you would need the curtains but who knows.) There are 2 closets, (no hangers) 2 night tables that hold several spare towels, (that are so small and scratchy you need about 12 of them to dry yourself), and no curtains on the windows.  There are Venetian blinds on the large window but they are all bent at the bottom so they really don't do much good.  The two beds are something else entirely.  They each have 2 pillows on them which are covered in a stiff plastic case under the scratchy cotton pillow case.  Not the least bit comfortable. (I was smart and brought my own pillow.  The Man was being macho and told me he didn't need his pillow, The one in the room will be fine.   NOT !).  Like the pillows the two inch thick mattress on the bed is also covered in plastic and the sheets on the bed are old and worn. (I counted 7 different holes in my bottom sheet.). The top sheet had no holes but it was very thin.  That along with the "thin blanket/bedspread" does nothing to keep you warm.   Did I mention the room is FREEZING !!!!!! ???????   The room is freezing, as is the entire building.  There is a heating unit in the room but it only produces cold air blowing constantly.  There is NO thermostat so you can not regulate the temperature in the room.  Thus it is freezing !   (Did I mention how cold it was in the room and the building ?).  

As I have told you we have stayed at this place a couple of times before.  After the first time I learned to bring the small portable heater AND our own blankets.  Even with these the room remained colder than an ice berg in the North Atlantic in January.  It is COLD !   Now the fact that WE have stayed here before and The Man is always freezing you would think that he would remember this minor detail and pack accordingly.  I TOLD him to pack warm clothes.  (I don't like to "give orders" but this time I did tell him straight out to pack warm clothes for the hoptel.  I even asked him if he remembered how cold the place is.  He did say he remembered and he would pack accordingly.   HE DID NOT !).   

As soon as he entered the building he started complaining about how cold it was. (DUH!). We got into the room, I unpacked the car and we turned on the little space heater.  An hour later with the heater running full blast it was still cold. (DUH!)  Two hours later it was the same as it was for the remainder of our stay. (DUH DUH AND DOUBLE DUH !!!).  The man never got warm, had a lousy nights sleep on the hard bed and plastic pillows and complained all the way home.  (DUH!) 

In defense of the US government Veterans administration . . . they do try.  The building does provide a place to stay for families of veterans who are in the hospital there.  There is a full kitchen that is kept stocked with frozen dinners, milk and eggs, cereal, snacks galore, ice cream, juice and endless coffee pods for the coffee maker. There is dinnerware and Tupperware if you have leftovers.  

I guess they figure that if you stay there you can at least have a full belly when you freeze to death. 

KILLING TIME

 You know those days when you have several appointments during the day but find yourself with an hour or so between them ?  Like when you are at an airport with a couple of hours between flights . . . What do you do with that "spare" time ?   

Airport time is actually easy to deal with.  If you're traveling you probably have your lap top, phone, magazines and/or a good book to wile away the time.  If that's not enough there are always all the "fine dining" establishments that are found in airport terminals. That can waste at least an hour just trying to find one that hopefully won't kill you with saturated fats.  After that there is the adventure of trying to find a bathroom, (thank you saturated fats). I never have trouble killing time in an airport.

It's that hour and a half between doctor appointments that is a problem. You really can't plan ahead because you never know when you're going to get "hung up" at the first doctor's office.  That's why, when you schedule multipal visits on the same day, you allow enough time between them. If your first appointment goes well and all the stars are in alignment and the God's are smiling on you it is possible that you end up with time to kill before you are due at the next office.

This is not a problem when I am in Florida.  I have all sorts of options down there.  I have friends and my daughter who I can call to see if they're home and would like a quick visit. If I am hungry I can stop at any number of places where I can get a quick bite of something more than a greasy burger.  Maybe I'm in need of some retail therapy . . . the shopping choices are endless. Within a 5 mile radius I have Kohl's, TJ Max, Marshals, Walmart, Target, Home Goods, The Home Store, Burlington, Hobby Lobby, Michaels just to name a few.  If its Monday I will go to one or two of the Bealls Outlets so I can get my 10% discount.  If it's Tuesday you will find me at one of the two Ross' stores.  I ALWAYS find something at both of those. Still not interested in any of those options . . . there is always a quick trip to the beach to Zen out.  Life is good and in Florida I have many many choices of how I want to kill time. 

Not so much here in the Upper Peninsula  of Michigan.  On Wednesday I found myself in the position of having some time to kill between appointments.  Let me first say that the probability of having TWO doctor appointments in the same town on the same day is nothing short of miraculous !!  It is more common to have to schedule one appointment a day/week because you are probably going to be traveling at least an hour to find a doctor if you have anything more than a cold.  Any specialized doctors are NOT residing in Gladstone or Escanaba, MI.  ( The Man has to see a cardiologist next week so we will travel FOUR hours to Milwaukee, WI. )

But there I was . . . out of one doctor with time to spare before I had to head to appointment number 2.  As I walked out of the first office I started to wonder what I should do with the extra time I had for myself.  I had left The Man at home so I was FREE  . . .    What to do? What to do ???   Well,   I could stop at Starbucks and treat myself to a coffee.  But then I would have to pee.   I could go shopping at Walmart in Escanaba or the dollar store but I really didn't need anything from either of those places.   

It was when I found myself considering stopping at Tractor Supply that I knew I was in big trouble.  

I realized that I have evolved  from shopping for new clothes in Florida to going to Tractor Supply to get bird seed and tomato plants.  But then I came to my senses . . .    The birds have plenty of seed left in the barn and it is too soon to plant tomatoes or anything in the garden.  We STILL have a chance of frost at night. 

In the end I did go to Starbucks after which I drove down to the lake shore to watch a momma and daddy goose take their 7 little babies for a swim. The coffee was delicious and the geese were more than entertaining.  And it didn't cost me a thing because I had a Starbucks gift card!

This killing time thing is actually a lot easier up here. Not so many choices and much more relaxing. 

GIVE ME A CLUE

 I have decide that I must not be very bright.  I know I think differently than many of my acquaintances but I am having a great deal of difficulty refraining from slapping certain people up side their heads. It is NOT a male thing . . . for once in my life I can not blame the entire male population for this quirk because Cousin Lu does the exact same thing that The Man does and it drives me NUTS !!!

OFTEN . . .  either of these two persons will ask me to get something for them. O.K.  No problem . . .  except it is a problem.  Let's start with the basics . . . if someone asks me to get something from the kitchen I will walk to the KITCHEN . . . Is that weird ????  Someone says, "Would you please, (often the word please is omitted but I am putting it in because that is the NICE way to ask), get me the "blah blah blah" from the kitchen and I will go to the kitchen. Once I am in the kitchen and do not see said item I will ask said person, "Do you have any idea of where in the kitchen it might be?" I consider this a reasonable request . . . not that the kitchen is usually a large room but if we can narrow things down a bit I'm all for that.  Inevitably the response I get is . . .  "IN THE KITCHEN !!!!!" .  To which I am thinking, "DUH, I know that!". Once again I will try to narrow things down by asking, "Do you think it's in a drawer or a cabinet?" To which the response is once again,  "IN THE KITCHEN !!!!!!"  

It is at this point that I am beginning to mutter under my breath, "I know it's in the freaking kitchen but help me out here!"  Still trying to remain polite I will ask for a hint.  Should I look up, down, inside something?   By now both parties are getting a bit hot under the collar so Party #1 raises their voice even louder to repeat, "IN THE KITCHEN !!!!!"   but this time they give me a "huge" hint by yelling, "OVER THERE !!!!!  ITS OVER THERE !!!!!"  

(Unfortunately this directive is not accompanied by any sort of hand gesture that might give me a small clue as to just what part of this room am I supposed to be looking. Instead it is repeated several times with much general arm waving as if they are fighting off an incensed swarm of killer wasps.).

 (While this is all going on I am planning what alcoholic drink I am going to have to celebrate said person's early demise because I AM going to kill them!)

I still have not gotten even close to finding what "we" are looking for and all the shouted directives are doing nothing to help me want to find what ever it is.  But I do take after my mother and I do NOT give up.  I WILL find this damn thing if its the last thing I do.  

Once again I CALMLY ask, "What is "IT" sitting on?"  Maybe this will give me a little help?   This is where it gets to be real fun.  The answer can be something like, "On THE table", "On THE shelf" or even, "In THE drawer".  If we are lucky enough to get it narrowed down to "On the table" then the game usually ends here.  Not many kitchens have more than one table unless you are in The Man's kitchen which, in fact, holds THREE "tables".  There is the kitchen table, the butcher block which The Man refers to as a table and the "high top" table that holds the TV.  (This is a VERY small kitchen but as we have discussed in past posts it, like the remainder of the house, is PACKED full of furniture.). 

Given the direction to look "On THE table" I, (naturally but apparently stupidly), go to the kitchen table which triggers this response . . .  "NO NO, ITS ON THE TABLE !!"      HUH ????   Am I not looking at "THE table?"   By now the arms are waving again and there is a distinct note of irritation in their voice.  

Because I have played this game many times before with both The Man and The Cousin I am still not reaching for the baseball bat or alcohol but things are getting pretty close.  

The final stage of this game is when I walk around the room, (small as it may be), and touch each and every piece of furniture innocently asking, "This table?" . . .  (I really do enjoy this stage of the game because I am now the one driving them nuts.) With each item that I touch and ask they get more and more rilled up yelling, "NO NO, THE TABLE, THE TABLE !!!!!" as I merrily continue on through the room. If I am feeling particularly nasty I will touch and question things as ridiculous as a shoe or a dish towel.  That can REALLY blow their minds.  

But by now I don't give a damn because I'm tired of the game and the fact that certain persons are totally incapable of giving simple directions.  

At first I thought I must be very very stupid to not be able to follow directions but it's like when you buy the cheap bicycle for your kid and the directions are in Japanese . . . Some times the directions just plain suck!

SHRIMP IN LOBSTER SAUCE

 "Who's On First?"    Abbot and Costello had that great routine where they went around in circles trying to get an answer to the question of "Who's on First?" .  THAT was funny stuff.  

I am back in Michigan for the summer and already we are starting to "go around in circles" with every conversation.  It may be a combination of the fresh air and being relaxed now that The Man is home on his own turf but I swear he has left his brain in West Palm Beach.  (Which I suppose is better than leaving his heart in San Francisco but it's still annoying as hell.). We arrived back here this past Tuesday and since that time I have been biting my tongue trying to keep from screaming, "What the "F" are you taking about?????????"   I ALWAYS have trouble following The Man's train of thought. Well, it's not really so much a train as a drunken clown car careening off a cliff.  Once again I will give him the benefit of having dead brain cells from lack of oxygen due to the COPD    but     REALLY ??????      

Is it a guy thing that The Man starts speaking in the middle of a sentence?  You can tell by the furrowed brow that he is thinking of something but he fails to start communicating at the beginning of the thought.  He waits until he is half way through the thought in his brain before the words make it to his mouth. Usually I am sitting across the table, car, room when The Man opens his mouth and out drops something like. "can go there tomorrow." I look up waiting to see if there is any more to this and when there is nothing but a blank yet expectant look on his face I wonder if I have missed something or did he really just say what I though I heard.  Naturally my response is, "WHAT?" to which he repeats exactly what I thought I heard the first time.  Now it's me who has the puzzled look which only irritates him because what sort of an idiot must I be for not knowing what the thoughts in his head were before he spoke these words.  Now it is time for my deep breathing and yoga training to kick in rather than a Karate chop to his throat.  My head is now screaming, "Stay Calm",   don't yell.    I calmly and politely ask, "What are you talking about?" which only proves to irritates him even more. 

This will usually go on for a good amount of time before I am able to figure out what the Hell he is talking about.  (I will never have to worry about dementia because instead of doing brain puzzles and cryptograms all I have to do is attempt a conversation with The Man.  Sherlock Holmes would have trouble with this.)

Today's challenge was "Shrimp with lobster sauce".  I'm heading to mass this afternoon so I suggested I pick up some Chinese take out on my way home.  The Man LOVES Chinese take out !!!!  When I made the suggestion his eyes lit up like I had told a puppy we would go for a walk.  If he had a tail it would have been wagging.  Being a creature of habit The Man has THREE  things that he orders from Chinese take out . . . Pepper Steak, (UGH!), egg drop soup or Shrimp in Lobster sauce.  He didn't know about shrimp in lobster sauce until he met me so this has REALLY opened up his world.  Every so often I can get him to agree to try something else on the menu but that doesn't happen often.    SO . . .  When I suggested we get take out he was on board and it could have been a simple done deal.   Except I HAD to read the menu and mention that we would get the "combo" that comes with fried rice and an egg roll.  (The Man hates egg rolls but loves spring rolls . . .   I personally can't tell the difference but hey, what the hell, I love both). 

Now I have opened Pandora's box of brain blowing information . .  .   The Man is now processing the fact that Shrimp in lobster sauce comes WITH something else.  TMI . . .  too much information !!!!!   He wanted soup with his shrimp dinner but now I am talking about egg rolls and fried rice . . .   what about his soup ?????  Can he still get soup if I get rice and egg rolls ?????  Are we STILL getting shrimp ?????

I swear to you it took a good 15 minutes to get this straight in his brain.  I explained that we COULD get just shrimp AND just soup . . .   TWO separate things . . . OR . . .  we could get the combo dinner that would also include egg roll and rice.  This did not compute.  

It was at this point that I was ready to say "F" it we'll get a pizza when the light bulb finally lit and he understood that he can still get his soup no matter what I ordered.  

I think I may be on to another brilliant idea for a game show . . .  "What's my half line?"  All questions would be started mid sentence and you have to guess what it is talking about.  I would be world champion!