I have decide that I must not be very bright. I know I think differently than many of my acquaintances but I am having a great deal of difficulty refraining from slapping certain people up side their heads. It is NOT a male thing . . . for once in my life I can not blame the entire male population for this quirk because Cousin Lu does the exact same thing that The Man does and it drives me NUTS !!!
OFTEN . . . either of these two persons will ask me to get something for them. O.K. No problem . . . except it is a problem. Let's start with the basics . . . if someone asks me to get something from the kitchen I will walk to the KITCHEN . . . Is that weird ???? Someone says, "Would you please, (often the word please is omitted but I am putting it in because that is the NICE way to ask), get me the "blah blah blah" from the kitchen and I will go to the kitchen. Once I am in the kitchen and do not see said item I will ask said person, "Do you have any idea of where in the kitchen it might be?" I consider this a reasonable request . . . not that the kitchen is usually a large room but if we can narrow things down a bit I'm all for that. Inevitably the response I get is . . . "IN THE KITCHEN !!!!!" . To which I am thinking, "DUH, I know that!". Once again I will try to narrow things down by asking, "Do you think it's in a drawer or a cabinet?" To which the response is once again, "IN THE KITCHEN !!!!!!"
It is at this point that I am beginning to mutter under my breath, "I know it's in the freaking kitchen but help me out here!" Still trying to remain polite I will ask for a hint. Should I look up, down, inside something? By now both parties are getting a bit hot under the collar so Party #1 raises their voice even louder to repeat, "IN THE KITCHEN !!!!!" but this time they give me a "huge" hint by yelling, "OVER THERE !!!!! ITS OVER THERE !!!!!"
(Unfortunately this directive is not accompanied by any sort of hand gesture that might give me a small clue as to just what part of this room am I supposed to be looking. Instead it is repeated several times with much general arm waving as if they are fighting off an incensed swarm of killer wasps.).
(While this is all going on I am planning what alcoholic drink I am going to have to celebrate said person's early demise because I AM going to kill them!)
I still have not gotten even close to finding what "we" are looking for and all the shouted directives are doing nothing to help me want to find what ever it is. But I do take after my mother and I do NOT give up. I WILL find this damn thing if its the last thing I do.
Once again I CALMLY ask, "What is "IT" sitting on?" Maybe this will give me a little help? This is where it gets to be real fun. The answer can be something like, "On THE table", "On THE shelf" or even, "In THE drawer". If we are lucky enough to get it narrowed down to "On the table" then the game usually ends here. Not many kitchens have more than one table unless you are in The Man's kitchen which, in fact, holds THREE "tables". There is the kitchen table, the butcher block which The Man refers to as a table and the "high top" table that holds the TV. (This is a VERY small kitchen but as we have discussed in past posts it, like the remainder of the house, is PACKED full of furniture.).
Given the direction to look "On THE table" I, (naturally but apparently stupidly), go to the kitchen table which triggers this response . . . "NO NO, ITS ON THE TABLE !!" HUH ???? Am I not looking at "THE table?" By now the arms are waving again and there is a distinct note of irritation in their voice.
Because I have played this game many times before with both The Man and The Cousin I am still not reaching for the baseball bat or alcohol but things are getting pretty close.
The final stage of this game is when I walk around the room, (small as it may be), and touch each and every piece of furniture innocently asking, "This table?" . . . (I really do enjoy this stage of the game because I am now the one driving them nuts.) With each item that I touch and ask they get more and more rilled up yelling, "NO NO, THE TABLE, THE TABLE !!!!!" as I merrily continue on through the room. If I am feeling particularly nasty I will touch and question things as ridiculous as a shoe or a dish towel. That can REALLY blow their minds.
But by now I don't give a damn because I'm tired of the game and the fact that certain persons are totally incapable of giving simple directions.
At first I thought I must be very very stupid to not be able to follow directions but it's like when you buy the cheap bicycle for your kid and the directions are in Japanese . . . Some times the directions just plain suck!
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