AGING GRACEFULLY ?

 This blog comes to you today thanks to my best friend Sharon.  I told her I would give her credit for it because without her I would never have a really good laugh. Sharon is the sort of friend who can get the two of us laughing over the dumbest things. And when I say "laughing" I mean pee your pants laughing. I know God put the two of us together as friends because if we were sisters our mothers would have killed us long before this.   Sharon and I are both born the same month in the same year. Just in different parts of the country. Only by God's hand did we find ourselves l living across the street from each other in NY and raising our families at the same time.  We can and do talk about EVERYTHING !!!!  We somehow keep each other sane when the world gets messy.  The older we get we are also "loosing filters" so if anyone is sharing a conversation with us they had better be prepared for anything.

And now for THE BLOG . . .  

Some how or other my chat yesterday with my BFF, (Who I have not seen in about 6 years.   Shame on me !)  was coming to a close when one of us said something about Aging Gracefully.  And it was down hill from there.  If ever there was an oxymoron "AGING GRACEFULLY" is it !!!  When you hit our age there is NOTHING graceful about aging.  It is a noisy, nasty, stinky, wrinkly, saggy and painful process. Nothing graceful in any of it.   Our bodies make some of the most God awful noises whenever we move. If we stand up too fast we get dizzy and have to flop backwards back into the chair before we fall over. (There is nothing graceful about a whale sized, uncoordinated old lady FLOPPING backwards into a chair.) I swear at times when my knees start making noises it sounds like a bone snapping in half.  And forget about the intestinal noises that can erupt unexpectedly as you walk across a room.  That's a ton of fun !  

Our noses constantly drip and our lips usually have some drool slipping out from the sides.  Our eyes water and Lord knows anything can and will happen when we sneeze.  Forget about the sags and wrinkles all over my body.  You would think that with all the sagging, gravity would pull the skin on my face tighter but instead my skin is a scientific phenomena that really should be studied.  If I am gaining weight why does it not fill in all the loose skin in my flabby arms ?   Where did those "wings" come from?  I was never three hundred pounds so why do I have all that excess skin ?????  

Old people no longer have specific body parts. All the body parts have all blended together to create something like an amoeba, no set form, just a blob of gelatinous material. My chin has reproduced itself numerous times so that it now keeps my chest warm. Which is a good thing because my boobs are no longer where they were supposed to be. They headed south many years ago never to be seen again.  It's a good thing my stomach is there to stop them or they would be tripping me when I try to walk.  As for the legs . . . well, my knees are drooping into my calves so my calves have had to move in with my, what used to be, ankles. No ankles, no calves . . . . Just cankles.    

Heaven help me if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving. How do you explain that not only can you not drive in a straight line but you also can not walk in a straight line.  Somewhere along this aging process I lost my inner compass so that when I walk I drift from one side of the sidewalk to the other.  I used to make fun of Sharon for doing the exact same thing when we would go for walks around the neighborhood.  It was quite funny at the time. Unfortunately now that it has happened to me it isn't so funny.  I hadn't realized just how bad it is until it snowed the other day and I took a walk out to the mailbox.  When I turned around to head back to the house  there were my foot prints in the snow looking like a drunk moose had just walked by. And while we are talking about "turning around" . . .   that is no easy task. It can take me 5 minutes to perform that maneuver. First I have to STOP moving forward and focus on where I am and why I want to turn around. Then it is a planned motion of putting one foot to the side, bring the other foot around to meet it, move the first foot a little more, move foot #2 again  . . . . and so on until I can no longer see where I was.  Of course more often than not by the time I manage this I no longer remember WHY I was turning around.  

When I tell The Man I am going for a walk it is a crap shoot as to whether or not he will ever see me again.  The good thing about all this ungracefulness is that I am absolutely in NO danger of ever being kidnapped.  One look at me "walking" along and anyone would pass right by. 

So as for aging gracefully . . .  it is IMPOSSIBLE !!!  But it is entertaining and at least I'm still able to se the humor in it.  

RANDOM RAMBLING

 Where to begin ?   It seems that every day I am with The Man there are a thousand things I want to blog about.  But it would not be very nice of me to say, "Hold on Mr. Man,  I have to write a blog RIGHT NOW !!!! "  I think he might get suspicious and realize that I find most of what he says and does quite idiotic and humorous.  Good thing he can't read my mind.

Here are just a few of the most recent "need to slap someone." incidents " 

About a week ago The Man decided he needed 1/2 & 1/2 for his coffee.  He prefers the 8 oz container, not the quart size. I have no idea why but it is a big issue when I come home with the "wrong" size.  I have learned to ignore him.  Anyway, I do not make daily trips to the grocery store because if I did I would be hearing someone asking "WHY do you have to go shopping AGAIN ????  You just went to the store 3 months ago!"  (Slight exaggeration there).  The Man will also tell me, "I don't need 1/2 & 1/2. I can use milk" but I know he prefers 1/2 & 1/2 so if I'm going to be shopping why not get something he likes? Lord knows he has very little pleasure in living these days. His breathing gets worse by the day.  

Back to the story . . . I heard about the stupid "I can use milk"  every morning.  But then 5 minutes later  he would say "WE need half & half ". I finally took a trip to the grocery store in town. I really would have preferred to go to the store in California because it would keep me away from the house for a bit longer, but I only had a quarter of a tank of gas.  So off I drove to PATS SUPER VALUE in Gladstone, MI. Pats is your typical old time grocery store with aisles that are too narrow for 2 carts to pass and no rhyme or reason where goods are located. The cottage cheese could be in the same aisle as the laundry detergent. I get lots of exercise walking up and down the 7 aisles trying to find things.  I picked up the few items on my list, including the half and half, even though they only had it in the larger size. When I got home I showed The Man what I bought, specifically told him it was a LARGE container of his coffee additive and proceeded to put it in the fridge.  The next morning I asked if he had used his 1/2 & 1/2. "NO". because he couldn't get the cap off so he used milk. (Good Grief)  I took the container and used our handy dandy cap opener tool so it would be open for tomorrow.  The next morning I once again asked if he had put 1/2 & 1/2  in his coffee. Once again "NO".    WTF ?????     NO ???????      The cap was open, I knew that for sure. Do you want to know why he did not use it?  I quote : "It was behind the milk and I didn't want to move the milk".   I asked what he used in his coffee and he told me "MILK"  Hhe moved the milk to use that in his coffee !!!!!!!!   @$%&$$*$%@$%^

Then there was the TV news story about a train engineer who was sleeping while driving the train.  The  hit a car that was driving on the tracks.  There was a video from the engine on the train showing a car driving toward the train in the space BETWEEN 2 sets of tracks.    (To be clear . . . the car was basically driving ON the tracks).  My question to The Man was, "Why was the car driving on the tracks?"    You better be sitting down . . .   The Mans answer was, "Because the car had the 'RIGHT OF WAY' !! (This was said in a tone that implied I was pretty stupid for not knowing that a car on railroad tracks does indeed have the right of way.) 

I honestly didn't think I heard him right so I asked again what the car was doing driving on the tracks and I got the same answer. "Because the car had the right of way!!!!!"   I just said "OH" and walked away.  I knew for sure this would not end well if I tried to pursue it. I envisioned in my mind what the conversation would be like trying to explain why a car on a railroad track is NOT normal.  NOPE . . . not going there.

These strange conversations go on all the time. It is frustrating to no end but it is also quite amusing as long as I don't have anything close by that I can pick up and smack him with. 

WINTER IN THE WOODS AND A MOUSE IN MY SHOE

 Even though it technically is not winter for another month and ten days if there is snow on the ground it is winter to me.   Since it has to be cold for it to snow and winter is the coldest season of the year then if there is snow it has to be winter!   

Two nights ago it snowed. Not a lot but enough to cover the grass and the driveway. I got up Sunday morning to a winter scene right out of a Norman Rockwell painting.  Red barn, white snow, grey sky. I was like a kid on Christmas morning!!  I can't tell you how excited I was to see snow.  I have been living in Florida for 25 years so that's how long it has been since I saw that fluffy white stuff.   

As the day went on the snow melted and everything returned to the drab grey and brown of winter. I put on my sneakers and walked out to the mail box and realized there was still some patches of snow in the woods along the driveway. There was still a hint of magic amid the trees.  It was COLD, not Alaska cold but cold for anyone from Florida. It felt wonderful !!  My nose was red and running, my hand were cold even inside my gloves and I could see my breath.  It felt awesome.  I got the mail and returned to the house feeling like I needed to make hot chocolate and popcorn.  (A traditional snow day ritual from our New York days.  I did make some hot chocolate but held back on the popcorn. ) 

Later that evening or in the early hours of Monday morning it began to snow again.  It snowed ALL DAY off and on.  Some times it looked like a blizzard and other times there was just a tiny bit of snow blowing around. I knew I HAD to get out there and experience this first hand.  There was about an inch and a half covering everything. The trees were heavy with snowy branches and the woods were all white. It was beautiful!

I decided that with an inch of snow I didn't want to get my sneakers wet so I went in search of my hiking boots that I had brought to Michigan about 6 years ago. (No need for heavy boots in Florida.). These are heavy, ankle high boots that I had bought a zillion years ago when our family took month long trips out west in our pop up camper. I used them on Girl Scout camping adventures and many other occasions.  They were well broken in and quite comfortable.  Perfect for a snowy day in the UP.   I knew exactly where I had put them so I headed into the second bed room and sure enough there they were on the bottom shelf of my shoe stand.  They looked just like when I had left them all those years ago.  I pulled them out and stuck my hand into one to see if I needed to put my orthotics into them. 

YIKES !!!!!!!!    

There inside my shoe was a mouse nest. (Thank goodness the mouse had vacated the property a while ago.). Stuart Little did leave behind a mess of chewed up paper and a handful of seeds. Apparently my boot made for a nice warm home during the winters that The Man and I were in Florida.  The second boot was fine, no evidence of little critters homesteading in there.  Once I cleaned out the boot and put in my orthotics we were good to go.  ALMOST . . . It seems that over the years not only has my belly grown in girth but my feet have splayed out and elongated.  My toes are now crammed into a space much too small for my big, flat feet.  But I was determined to go for a walk in the snow so cram I did !!!!  Wool socks made things even tighter but I got those boots on and out I went into the winter wonderland.  No one had walked in the snow except for some animals. I found rabbit tracks, deer tracks and either a dog or more likely coyote tracks.  The turkeys must be hunkered down trying to stay warm.  I walked all over the property enjoying all the changes in the landscape thanks to the snow. I walked out to see if the pond was starting to freeze and sure enough there is a film of ice covering the water.  

Heading back to the house my boots kept my feet nice and dry. My scarf that my friend Jeanne had knitted for me kept my neck warm and my hat that I crocheted years ago had my ears and head staying nice and toasty. My winter coat, like my boots, is a zillion years old, bought years and years ago from REI.  That coat has seen most of the US and has been amazing. It has pockets all over it, is light weight yet is so very warm even on the coldest of days.  (And if I remember correctly it was on sale when I bought it.). 

I will leave those boots here when I return to Florida.    #1.  They really don't fit anymore.     #2. I still have no need for hiking boots in Florida.  And #3. Where will the mice live if I take my boots away??

BUZZ KILL

 If ever there was anyone who could throw a wet blanket on me it is The Man.  Things are getting tougher for him every day and that equals my life getting harder.  I'm not g going to say I am not complaining because I AM !!!!  

There has been a big change in The Man over the last 12 months.  His breathing has gotten so much worse and his stamina is at an all time low.  Yet he carries on. And so must I.  I have always believed and continue to believe that God has put me here for a reason. But Good God it isn't easy.  

I am here in the upper reaches of Michigan for the winter.  I have a perfectly good condo in Florida, (Which my daughter and her family are living in because their beautiful, big house has become a Petri dish for mold. Their floors, ceilings and walls are being torn up and replaced with hopes of getting rid of the mold.  So they moved into my condo for a couple of months.  I  do believe that this too is part of Gods plan. Even if I wanted to jump ship and run back to my home I can't because there is no room for me.  

So here I am !  I really don't mind being here on the farm in the cold.  It's wonderful to take a walk and not be sweating like a pig. (Do pigs really sweat?). The sunsets are amazing and the people are so lovely. Even The Man is happy here in his home.  Mostly . . .   because his breathing is so much worse that makes him VERY anxious.  And when he is anxious he is short tempered and stubborn as a mule. (I do know mules really ARE stubborn.)  I understand all this but it sure as hell is not fun to deal with.  I am feeling like I did when living with Husband, never relaxed, always on edge waiting for the next explosion.  (The men in my life have never really exploded. They leave that to me. Instead there are "the looks" and the "silence" which is almost worse. 

Anyway,  tonight I got a surprise phone call from my oldest child and his wife.  They were calling to ask if I would like them to fly from Atlanta, GA to MI at Christmas and visit for a couple of days.  WOOPIE !!!!  My son has been to the farm for a few hours when he was on a business trip up this way but my daughter-in-law and grand daughter have never experienced being a Yooper.  (A person who lives in the UP). I would LOVE LOVE LOVE them to all come to see this wonderful place.  They will not stay with us, they will rent a car, they will arrive Christmas evening and stay for 2 full days before returning home.  

Because I am staying up here until February and will miss spending the holidays with my family so this is a WONDERFUL gift.  I was so excited !!!!  When we got off the phone The Man was napping so I kept myself from running around the house all excited.  My DIL said they would check out flights and hotels and dates and let me know what they come up with.  We would talk again before final arrangements were made.     

When You Know Who got up from his nap I let him adjust to being awake, I offered him a Bloody Mary and I started dinner. When I handed him his drink I sat down and told him about my phone call from GA.  I totally played it down knowing full well what the response would be. (The Man does NOT like change).

Sure enough, true to form The Man got all excited and upset. I could hear his mind working over time. He was finding all the reasons why my family should not come to visit me for Christmas. There were a thousand "What Ifs".  I deflected every one of them with sanity and reason.  Then he tried, "I really wish you had discussed this with me before making a commitment."  HELLO !!!!  What do you think we are doing sitting here ???????????   Good Grief Charlie Brown !  

Normally I would have given him a "whatever, I know you don't like change, I'll tell them not to come" but for crying out loud . . . give me a break.  I am here for the winter, giving up the Hollidays with my kids and he is going to piss about 2 days?  I DO understand he is not wanting to share me, it is a minor change but my kids are not going to be sitting at the kitchen table staring at us for hours on end like the "helpers" that are here 7 days a week. These women come in, sit down at the kitchen table and do not move unless you specifically ask them to do something. But I digress . . . 

Anyway,  My son and family are coming to MI at Christmas with or without the "blessing" of The Man.  I will go spend 2 days in a hotel with them if they are not welcome here. (I know that won't happen) But for heavens sake I need to get this man on Prozac !!!!!

SNEAKY APPLE CRISP

 Being in Michigan in Autumn is lovely.  When I first got here in mid October it was actually warm, quite sunny and delightful to be outside.   That has all changed.  Here we are on November second and I wore my winter coat and gloves to church this morning.  The day looks like it could snow but it's really not quite cold enough.  It's the perfect day to bake something. And since we have many, many apple trees what ever is going to be baked will include apples.  For some strange reason there were only about 3 of the 17 apple trees that actually produced apples this year.  Last year we had so many apples from all the trees most of them were eaten by the deer. There are just so many apple things to make before you can't stand the sight of one more recipe for apple what ever.  

This year we only had 2 trees produce apples.  One of the trees is on the edge of the property and I am told by The Man that those apples aren't very good. (I have eaten them right off the tree and they were delicious.)  The second tree is right outside the bedroom window so The Man can check it daily. This particular tree is his favorite and he thinks that the apples it produces are the best in the world. (I do agree, the are wonderful.) 

 It has taken me 3 weeks to settle in here at the farm,  catch up on my sleep and get readjusted to living with The Man.   I am sleeping GREAT but I think it will take A LOT longer to get used to you know who.  His COPD continues to worsen so we are home most of the time.  He has only gone out once since I have been here. He passes the time sitting on his kitchen chair watching TV and critiquing every thing I do.  

Apparently I have become senile and can't wash a dish or cook a meal without much input from his royal highness.  From his kitchen chair he has a direct line of sight into the kitchen so he can watch my every move. I am constantly being told where things are, (I have been coming here for 9 years so I think I pretty much know where to find just about anything.  Except my sanity.), and how to put the coffee into his cup and how to wash a dish without using any water. (Houdini couldn't perform THAT act.  God forbid I fill up the septic tank with a bowl of dish water.). 

Anyway . . .  I decided today would be a great day to bake something Apple.  I made the mistake of saying this out loud. And so it began. 

 TM:         " Don't make a lot. It's only the 2 of us here. You always make too much."                                              ME:          "OK. I'll cut the recipe in half."                                                                                                         TM:           "Even that's  too much."                                                                                                                   ME:           " Well dear, I can only cut it down so much. How do I cut an egg in half?"  (The recipe did not                      call for an egg but it suited my argument.)                                                                                                   TM:           "mumble mumble mumble"                                                                                                          

You can fill in the rest of the conversation because it just went around in circles for the next ten minutes. He finally gave up after remembering that I was going to do what I wanted no matter what he says. Rather than admit defeat he went into the bedroom to lie on the bed and watch football. (or take a nap). 

I gave him about 45 minutes to fall asleep and prepared myself for some ninja baking.  I figured I would take full advantage of his absence to bake some apple crisp in the BIG pan so that I can put some of it in containers and freeze it for mid winter when all the apples have rotted and I am craving something sweet but "healthy" (?)  I mean, hey, it's made with apples and oats. It's got to be a little healthy. I just won't  think about the sugar and butter.

Right now the house smells wonderful. The apple crisp is done and The Man is still in the bed room.  With any luck I can sneak some of the crisp into the freezer and wash the big pan before TM comes out into the kitchen.  What he doesn't know won't hurt him. 

And I won't need to take an extra Valium !

WHY ?????

 Do you have a garbage "can", bag, box in your kitchen?  You know, the thing that you throw scraps into; empty food containers, used paper towels, anything that doesn't go into the recycling container. I can't imagine a kitchen in the world that doesn't have someplace in their kitchen to throw the garbage.  Furthermore I would assume that if you have a trash can in your kitchen you actually USE it !  Unless you are The Man.

Since I have been coming to the farm there has been a big, fancy trash container standing in the kitchen right next to the stove.  It is an expensive one. It looks nice and it keeps the stinky garbage from smelling up the house. Especially these days when it is never used.  When I first started coming up here all garbage went into the kitchen trash container but somewhere along the way The Man decided he didn't want to use. that trash receptacle because the bag in it is too expensive to buy and too big to carry to the garbage can outside at the end of the drive way.  The bag is NOT too heavy nor is it too hard to carry. According to The Man it takes up too much space in the garbage can so that when the garbage man comes every 2 weeks there is too much trash in the can. 

Please read that paragraph again !

Picture an industrial size garbage can. That is what sits at the end of the driveways and gets emptied every 2 weeks by Delta Trash Company.  Delta has garbage trucks that have a robotic arm that lifts the can, dumps its contents in their truck and replaces the can where it was. You could probably put a piano in the trash can and the truck could lift and empty the can.  But according to The Man the plastic "tall kitchen bag" is too big for the outside trash container. His solution is to use twelve thousand small plastic grocery bags that he hangs on the side of one of the kitchen cabinet. We need an endless supply of these bags which are saved from whatever store we shop in. The Man even went so far as to put a hook on the cabinet so the bag won't fall off. (The last few years since this genius idea occurred to The Man the "Walmart" bags have been looped over the cabinet door which often resulted in the bag falling on the floor and dumping everything all over the kitchen. So now we have a hook!). These 12 thousand small plastic bags are not biodegradable and they will blow around the city dump for eons. As opposed to ONE larger plastic bag. Not only that but instead of having to take the trash out every 2 or 3 days we are taking out small bags 2 or 3 TIMES a day.  Good exercise for me.  

I have yet to figure out the sense in any of this. But as with everything else dealing with The Man HE is master of his domaine and what ever genius idea he comes up with THAT is what will be.  

Unfortunately I am having a hard time understanding or accepting these idiotic ideas of his. My 4 month "vacation "ALONE"  in Florida for my heart surgery gave me a reality check on normal.  Up here on the farm I am constantly biting my tongue to keep from slapping you know who up side his head.  Good thing I get to walk out to the garbage can several times a day to cool down.

Which brings up another issue.  The temperature in this house is like a sauna. I am wearing shorts and tank tops in the house and sweat shirts and jeans when I go out side.  I can not imagine what the temperature in here will be when it REALLY gets cold outside.  I am spending much of my time out in the parlor because there is no heat out here.  It is WONDERFUL !  Lots of windows with lots of sunshine. This room is one of the perks of coming here and it provides an escape for me because The Man's oxygen hose will not reach this far !!!