This blog comes to you today thanks to my best friend Sharon. I told her I would give her credit for it because without her I would never have a really good laugh. Sharon is the sort of friend who can get the two of us laughing over the dumbest things. And when I say "laughing" I mean pee your pants laughing. I know God put the two of us together as friends because if we were sisters our mothers would have killed us long before this. Sharon and I are both born the same month in the same year. Just in different parts of the country. Only by God's hand did we find ourselves l living across the street from each other in NY and raising our families at the same time. We can and do talk about EVERYTHING !!!! We somehow keep each other sane when the world gets messy. The older we get we are also "loosing filters" so if anyone is sharing a conversation with us they had better be prepared for anything.
And now for THE BLOG . . .
Some how or other my chat yesterday with my BFF, (Who I have not seen in about 6 years. Shame on me !) was coming to a close when one of us said something about Aging Gracefully. And it was down hill from there. If ever there was an oxymoron "AGING GRACEFULLY" is it !!! When you hit our age there is NOTHING graceful about aging. It is a noisy, nasty, stinky, wrinkly, saggy and painful process. Nothing graceful in any of it. Our bodies make some of the most God awful noises whenever we move. If we stand up too fast we get dizzy and have to flop backwards back into the chair before we fall over. (There is nothing graceful about a whale sized, uncoordinated old lady FLOPPING backwards into a chair.) I swear at times when my knees start making noises it sounds like a bone snapping in half. And forget about the intestinal noises that can erupt unexpectedly as you walk across a room. That's a ton of fun !
Our noses constantly drip and our lips usually have some drool slipping out from the sides. Our eyes water and Lord knows anything can and will happen when we sneeze. Forget about the sags and wrinkles all over my body. You would think that with all the sagging, gravity would pull the skin on my face tighter but instead my skin is a scientific phenomena that really should be studied. If I am gaining weight why does it not fill in all the loose skin in my flabby arms ? Where did those "wings" come from? I was never three hundred pounds so why do I have all that excess skin ?????
Old people no longer have specific body parts. All the body parts have all blended together to create something like an amoeba, no set form, just a blob of gelatinous material. My chin has reproduced itself numerous times so that it now keeps my chest warm. Which is a good thing because my boobs are no longer where they were supposed to be. They headed south many years ago never to be seen again. It's a good thing my stomach is there to stop them or they would be tripping me when I try to walk. As for the legs . . . well, my knees are drooping into my calves so my calves have had to move in with my, what used to be, ankles. No ankles, no calves . . . . Just cankles.
Heaven help me if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving. How do you explain that not only can you not drive in a straight line but you also can not walk in a straight line. Somewhere along this aging process I lost my inner compass so that when I walk I drift from one side of the sidewalk to the other. I used to make fun of Sharon for doing the exact same thing when we would go for walks around the neighborhood. It was quite funny at the time. Unfortunately now that it has happened to me it isn't so funny. I hadn't realized just how bad it is until it snowed the other day and I took a walk out to the mailbox. When I turned around to head back to the house there were my foot prints in the snow looking like a drunk moose had just walked by. And while we are talking about "turning around" . . . that is no easy task. It can take me 5 minutes to perform that maneuver. First I have to STOP moving forward and focus on where I am and why I want to turn around. Then it is a planned motion of putting one foot to the side, bring the other foot around to meet it, move the first foot a little more, move foot #2 again . . . . and so on until I can no longer see where I was. Of course more often than not by the time I manage this I no longer remember WHY I was turning around.
When I tell The Man I am going for a walk it is a crap shoot as to whether or not he will ever see me again. The good thing about all this ungracefulness is that I am absolutely in NO danger of ever being kidnapped. One look at me "walking" along and anyone would pass right by.
So as for aging gracefully . . . it is IMPOSSIBLE !!! But it is entertaining and at least I'm still able to se the humor in it.
No comments:
Post a Comment