STAY CALM !!!!!

 For once I am not talking about myself . . .  well I am in a round about way but the "Stay Calm" is referring to The Man.   This poor guy can get himself worked up over the smallest of things.  (Gee, does that sound familiar. Like I don't get frazzled when my tooth paste tube is almost empty or some other such idiotic thing.)  

Now that we are back on The Man's home turf I need to slow my impulses down and find other ways to channel my energy on those rare occasions that I actually have energy.  When in Michigan cleaning out closets and drawers needs to be done in Ninja mode and I need to remind myself of that.  When I am on my home turf in Florida I can clean and rearrange to my hearts content.   I DO love rainy days spent digging through long neglected spaces. I am like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean searching for lost gold. I really enjoy a good treasure hunt especially, if like my man Jack Sparrow, I happen to be drunk.  

BUT . .. I am not in my space and I am not drunk, yet, so I have to remember to respect The Man's crap.  It is not easy for me to do this.  Take today for example . . . It is the PERFECT day to dig through stuff.  It is way too cold for my tender bones to be outside and besides that,  I left my snow shoes home. It was actually SNOWING at 9AM when I dragged my bones out from the warm, snug bed. (The only reason I got up was because if I had stayed in bed I would have been in a warm WET bed.  When you've got to go, you've got to go.) I walked out into the kitchen and all I could see outside was a wall of white falling from the sky. If I didn't have to pee that bad I would have made a bee line back under the covers to wait another five weeks for spring to maybe arrive, 

Once I pulled myself back from thoughts of suicide I decided to make a hot breakfast for The Man and me. This easy task was complicated by the fact that in order to cook something hot I needed a frying pan and THAT is a major task in this kitchen.  Extracting a rare diamond from a mine in Africa would be less trouble than searching through a cabinet in The Man's kitchen.  The particular cabinet that holds pots and pans is extra difficult to get into because it is in a corner so it is very deep, very dark and very very very full ! MY instant reaction to this type of situation is to get down on my butt, sit on the floor and proceed to pull EVERYTHING and anything OUT of the space to access exactly what we are dealing with. That would happen if The Man were not sitting 8 feet away watching my every move. He is like one of the eagles that sit by the pond waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting fish in the pond. Those EAGLE EYES are watching so I have to suck up my impulses and just grab what ever pot or pan happens to be in arms reach.  There is nothing like frying an egg in a twelve gallon pot because that was the only thing I could get out of the cabinet! 

I really have to tread lightly today and probably for the next several days because I have used up my allotment of "cleaning out".  The first day we were back here I wanted to cook something and was in the kitchen looking for a wire whisk.  As soon as I opened the "utensil" draw The Man's radar went on high alert.  "What do you need?" was the question that sot across the room from The Man. When I told him I was looking for a wire whisk he said, "Oh, we have lots of those around here."  The fact that I had already looked in the twenty three usual hiding spots for kitchen items and found nothing told me he was wrong but I let him go with it. After he looked for a few minutes he proceeded to tell me that "someone" must have put them "somewhere". Translation . . .  "Catherine has been moving my shit again!"  He honestly thinks I am throwing out his stuff when he's not looking.  This would be a very valid assumption except I know just how hard it is for him to get rid of stuff so I DO NOT throw out anything. 

In the process of searching for the elusive whisk The Man took several items out of one of the many "utensil" drawers. This was just the opening I needed. As he went back to his seat at the kitchen table I continued to empty the drawer to see what else was in there.  This is something I have wanted to do for three years but The Man has always told me to leave it alone. He sat on his kitchen chair and gave me the eagle eye every time I removed an item.  When asked what I was doing I told him I wanted to wash the drawer since it was half empty already.  When everything was out of the drawer I got a large plastic container, of which there are many, and started putting all the things I didn't want into it.  Of course The Man immediately said, "What are you doing with all that?" I reassured him I was going to store the full container in the pantry so it would be accessible if we needed 72 Mellon ballers any time in the near future. That was good with him and I now have a utensil draw that contains a minimum of items.  One down, many more to go. 

What you need to understand here is that ALL the spaces in this house are JAM PACKED FULL !  I have mentioned this before. Closets, drawers, cabinets, attic and basement.  F U L L !!!!!!!!  It drives me NUTS!  I have decided I am more of a minimalist than a hoarder.  I enjoy getting rid of stuff where The Man enjoys holding on to everything.  Because I am now the one who is doing all the cooking and housework in this relationship I need things to be where I want them when I want them. I need/want to know exactly where a utensil is when I want it. Digging through 4 drawers, 6 cabinets and a closet does not work for me when all I want is a freaking spatula. Add to that The Man sitting at the kitchen table insisting that it "has to be there someplace" only makes me want to hit him with the five rolling pins that I have come across in my search for the spatula. 

Bottom line . . . I did get to clean out 2 of the kitchen drawers during this past week.  I am itching to spend an entire day tearing apart the remainder of the kitchen cabinets and drawers but we now have a small leak from one of the water lines going into the new washer that was delivered yesterday.  That has destroyed the man's day today !  It is not anything huge, the water valve to the washer is shut off until a plumber can get here on Monday but I had to send The Man to bed to calm him down. (Sort of like time out for a two year old!). Since The Man takes a nap every afternoon, especially after spending 4 days driving from Florida to here, he was happy to take my advice and lie down.  Any other time I would be tempted to get into some sort of cleaning out but I just can't do that to him today.  He is on overload already and I might just send him over the top if I'm not careful. 

JUST CALL ME "MISS KITTY"

 I may be freezing my butt off in Michigan but I know just where to go when it's too cold outside, other than getting on a plane and heading back to Florida.  I am sitting in the recliner in the parlor room right next to the big glass doors that face East.  The sun is actually visible today and it feels wonderful shining through the glass on my frozen body. I sitting here in the sun practically purring like a big old Cheshire Cat.  It's only 10:19 in the morning but the sun is pretty high in the sky so my "window" of opportunity will close shortly and I'll be left freezing again.  But that's not a problem because all I have to do is step through the French door into the main part of the house and I will be sitting in a sauna, minus the steam. The Man has the heat in the house cranked up to near 80 which makes me wonder why we bothered to leave Florida in the first place. 

The Man is back home after his mad dash to escape the heat and humidity of Florida. We have dashed straight out of the oven that is Florida and into the refrigerator that is the UP.  When we woke up this morning it was 31 degrees and the ground was covered in a blanket of white frost. That was all I needed to see before I dove back under the covers for another 2 hours.  This body DOES NOT DO COLD any more!

As I sit here in the sun the eagles are all sitting around the pond enjoying the fleeting rays of sun shine before the clouds move in. (At least it's not raining like the first 2 days here.). There have been as many as 17 eagles around the pond since we returned.  From this spot I can also see the barn and the back field. Running from the barn to the side property line are 4 posts on which are 4 blue bird houses.  The Man had 2 out there up until last year when I gave hime 2 more for his birthday. (He loves the Blue Birds) I happened to look up a few minutes ago and could see a large brown lump of something sitting on top of one of the bird houses.  (My distance vision is crap, even though I have my eyes examined each year I still can't see things clearly if they are more than 20 feet away.)  At first I thought it might be an eagle perched on top of the blue bird house but although the eagles will sit on the fence posts I have never seen one on any of the bird houses. As I tried to focus on what this brown lump was I decided it was Miss Kitty ! Sitting here in my pool of sunlight I feel like a big old cat, AKA "Miss Kitty", but do have a real "Miss Kitty" who continues to roam the property. 

About 4 years ago when I first came to The Man's house there was a small cat who would show up several times a day for food and tickles. The Man had adopted her when she first started hanging out around his house in the spring. He would never let her in the house but would put bologna and bread out for her along with any leftovers from his dinners.  The cat survived on this for a year, even managing to survive on her own the first winter we were in Florida together. Some where that first winter "Miss Kitty" got pregnant so when I returned to MI during the summer there had been a bunch of kittens which mysteriously disappeared except for one black and white one who wouldn't come near us.  By the end of the summer the first batch of kittens were gone and Miss Kitty was pregnant again.  That's a whole other story. Bottom line, one of the neighbors took all the kittens to the pound and had Miss Kitty spayed. That neighbor has since officially adopted her so Miss Kitty's official home is across the road but she loves to roam The Mans property looking for birds and mice. She is fatter every year we return to MI so obviously she is well fed and cared for by the neighbor but her instinct to hunt is still sharp as ever. 

So . . . . when I looked up a few minutes ago and saw the brown blob sitting on the bird house I knew it had to be our bad ass Miss Kitty out on a hunt. But that wasn't going to happen on my watch ! I threw on my jacket and stomped across the yard yelling at her all the way. (Seriously, in the back of my head I was thinking,"OH Crap, what if it's not the cat but a raccoon or something?", then what am I going to do?  I finally was close enough to see that it was indeed the infamous Miss Kitty perched quite contentedly right on top of the blue bird house just waiting for one of the birds to be dumb enough to try to fly in or out. As I got closer to her she had her back up and fur standing straight up until I called her by name. At that point she jumped down and started purring around my legs for me to pet her.  Damn cat almost killed me walking between my feet as we went back across the yard to the back steps to sit down and get reacquainted after a long winter.  

This is quite a unique cat.  She is as independent as any other cat I have know but she also knows exactly how to get what she wants. Earlier this morning she had been sitting on the steps outside the kitchen looking for love but we chose to ignore her. It was too cold for me to go out and sit on the cold concrete steps in order to pet a cat. So she went to plan "B". She knew if she was on top of the bird house I would come out to chase her so that's exactly what she did.  Once we were sitting outside on the back steps she rubbed and nudged me to give her a back rub and lots of scratches. The entire time I was petting her she was moving and shifting position. (She is not one to sit quietly in my lap.) I talked to her the entire time, mostly asking her about her winter and how she was doing.  When I commented that she must have had a very good winter because she was looking quite fat she turned around and bit me ! Damn cat !  I had to apologize and explain that I realized she looked larger because she still had on her LOVELY winter coat and was looking wonderful, FLUFFY not FAT !!  After my apology she continued to accept my petting for a few moments so I would know there were no hard feelings.  After that she just stood up and walked off around the side of the house without ever looking back.

She certainly put me in my place and has now established just who runs this place !  Smart ass cat !

DWAYNE'S HAPPY PLACE

 Well folks, we are back in the UP . . . Michigans very own version of no where.  The Upper Peninsula is a strange place because it really should be part of the state of Wisconsin because it is attached to Wisconsin not Michigan but who ever it belongs to it is home to The Man and it is a wonderful place to be in the summer. 

Did I say "SUMMER" ?  Summer in the UP consists of about two weeks some where between July and August. The two weeks do not necessarily show up all at once but Summer weather may amount to 14 days of sun and heat, some time during the span of two months if you are lucky. The rest of the time the weather reminds you more of Autumn than Summer.  I do think there may be about 2 days of Spring but I don't see that happening any time soon.

The weather that welcomed us "home" yesterday was pouring rain with temperatures in the mid 40's.  You can only imagine the shock that is to my body. It took me a hearty dose of Bayer Aspirin to get my aching bones to settle down enough to be able to help Gus empty the car.  (Gus is a the son of one of The Man's neighbors.  He is 15 years old and probably 6'2" tall and so wide around I can't get my arms half way around him. He is the NICEST boy EVER.  Smart, sweet, well mannered and friendly.  His parents have done an excellent job raising him.  I adore Gus!)  

We arrived "home" around noon and by 12:30 Gus was here to empty the car for us.  That boy carried in all our crap never missing a beat in telling me all that was going on in his life. . . family gatherings and parties mostly.  We dumped the contents of the well packed car on the floor of the parlor where it will sit until I get around to emptying all the bags and boxes.  (If I am going to spend the next 5 months here I am bringing all my comforts from home with me!). 

When we got here yesterday The Man pulled the car right up next to the back door so he could get his oxygen into the house. The back door leads into the kitchen where, two seconds after cranking up the heat and setting up his oxygen, The Man found his happy place. The man made a bee line to the red naugahyde kitchen chair that sits at the small kitchen table. From this vantage point The Man can view his kingdom. (This old chair might as well be a zillion dollar gold throne because it is worth all the money in the world to The Man.) Next to the chair are two beautiful glass doors that allow The Man to see the back of his property, the pond, the barn, the geese, the eagles, the deer and what ever other wild life that choose to visit on any given day. Yesterday the eagles were having a huge welcome home party for us. There were at least 10 of them out in the field with several more sitting by the pond and a few up in the trees across the field. Along with these majestic birds were two Canadian Geese who apparently have had their covid shots in order to get across the border into our country. The geese and the eagles we all enjoying a lovely cold shower in the rain. At one point a lone turkey decided to wander out of the woods to see what all the other birds were doing but because he was not wearing a mask  he was chased away by the geese.  (I guess turkeys are too far down in the pecking order for the eagles to even bother with them.) The topping to the day was just after dinner when a couple of deer wandered out of the woods on the far side of the field. 

The word has gotten out that we have returned.

And so The Man sat in his happy place for the remainder of the day, except for the 2 hour nap he took after eating some lunch.  He is HOME and he is HAPPY !  God bless him !

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

 Well, it happened once again.  April 28th rolled through here like an 800 ton dump truck and ran me over twice.  It's bad enough that birthdays roll around every year but when they not only hit you head on but then back up over you just to make sure you know you have been hit, THAT is the ultimate reminder that you are getting OLDER.  

 I AM NOT YET OLD . . . .   just a bit older.  Because, like Peter Pan, I don't want to grow up.

As a kid I LOVED Peter Pan !  I guess even wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy back then I knew that Peter and I were kindred spirits.  Most kids have a favorite character or person that they want to be when they grow up. Mine was Peter Pan and now I know why.  No matter how many years God allows me to remain on this earth I will never grow up.  

Now if I could just convince this old body that I am still young that would be a wonderful thing. Looking in the mirror each day I do not see an old lady.  I have no idea who that old broad is looking back at me in the bathroom mirror.  She is not even vaguely familiar.  There was a time when I would look in the mirror and see my dad smiling back at me.  I distinctly remember the day when I was in my fifties that I saw my mother looking back at me. I wondered just how that happened because no one ever said I looked like her, I am a Butler through and through. I guess it was just a glimpse of what the future had in store for me.  (My mother was only 62 when she died died so I wonder what she would have looked like at 76. It very well may be her face I see in my mirror.)

Yesterday was a good day. It was nothing like the birthdays I had as a child but a good day non the less.  When did birthdays become something to be feared rather than excited about ?  Was there a magic number that I failed to make note of when a birthday looming on the horizon was like seeing the Grim Reaper standing at your door?  Remember that wonderful feeling of anticipation when you changed the calendar and saw that your birthday was "This Month !".  From the day after your birthday you started the countdown to your next birthday . . . "Only three hundred and sixty four more days!"  (Damn that leap year when you had to wait a WHOLE extra day to celebrate your birthday. ) And remember the day after Christmas when you started making your birthday list of all the things you didn't get for Christmas?   Now, when Christmas rolls around you think. "Oh Shit ! I'm going to be, (insert what ever age you will be on your next birthday)! "  

When you're a kid the year dragged by from birthday to birthday. Now it seems like you just had a birthday last week when a new one is rearing it's ugly head.  Birthdays used to be FUN !  Gifts, cards, cake, noise makers and parties. Now the only gifts you get are ten extra trips to the bathroom and forty two new wrinkles on your face. The only cards you get are advertisements for hearing aids, glasses and a free colon screenings.  Instead of having cake for your birthday you have an extra dose of Geritol and some prune juice.  No noise makers here at this party because I AM the noise maker.  I can't get up from a chair without a full range of sound effects that include grunts, groans, popping noises from my joints and a wide variety of swear words accented by a more than occasional fart !  

BUT . . . we can still party !   I remember birthday parties where you invited all your friends, (in my case that was a total of two). You planned what sort of cake you wanted and how it would be decorated. You decorated with balloons and streamers and made goodie bags for your guests.  At 76 I am just happy to still be alive ! If you are fortunate enough to be alive AND active you may have some friends over for dinner. (The ultimate celebration is going OUT to eat but some times that just can't or won't happen.) Planning food for the birthday dinner is a chore these days. You need something simple enough so you aren't spending your entire day in the kitchen preparing you own dinner but it has to be something special that you don't have on any old day. After all, this IS your birthday !  You still get to choose your cake but the difference now is that you either have to go to the store to buy it or bake it yourself. 

Even with all of the above things to consider I had a very nice birthday this year.  Decorating was super easy . . .  My grand daughter Kaelin celebrated her 13th birthday in February so I decorated my living room for her "grand ma" party. Then I left up the decorations because K's brother Finn had his birthday in March. Because it was only another month till my birthday the decorations remained up for a full three months.  It was a win win for all.   Food became a bit more of a challenge but we managed.  Keri and family took me out for a wonderful lunch the previous weekend. (The Man does not go out to restaurants any more. too much of a hassle for him with the oxygen.) The day before my birthday my BFF Jeanne and her husband came over for pizza.  We were going to have lobster but the price of Maine lobsters is insane so The Man's gift to me was paying for a most delicious pizza. (Last week The Man asked what would I like for my birthday. I suggested a lobster dinner. Since going out to dinner is not an option we started researching buying lobster and eating it at home.  We chose to do this on Tuesday because the garbage and shells could go out for pick up on Wednesday. We invited our friends Jeanne and Frank to join us not realizing it would be insane to pay $50 for ONE  small lobster. ) 

It was at this point that I realized this birthday was going to go down in history as a "fail". But I was damned if I wasn't going to do something to celebrate.  The only thing I could think of that would not involve me spending a day cooking was to order a pizza.  I love pizza !  I have been thinking about pizza for a couple of weeks but we have had lousy luck with ordering a decent pie down here.  The last pizza we got was a "thin crust" because that is what The Man likes. It was like eating cheese and sauce spread over a sheet of paper.  It was disgusting !!!!   Added to this The Man doesn't like a lot of cheese or a lot of toppings.  About as wild as he gets is to order pepperoni instead of sausage. (He actually like "hamburger meat" on his pizza but I put my foot down on that bland addition.)  My birthday was the perfect occasion to get a pizza that I love . . .  a pizza with EVERYTHING on it . . .  including . . .  ANCHOVIES !!!!!!!!   Yup, I am one of those rare creatures who happens to love anchovies on my pizza.  So that is exactly what we had for a party meal with Jeanne and Frank.  Those two friends shared my pizza with me, anchovies and all while The Man ate a small sausage and mushroom pie.  

But it even gets better . . .  Jeanne told me she would bring the birthday cake.  She was set on an ice cream cake from Baskin Robins but since there are no longer any Basking Robins ice cream stores around she went to Publix and bought a Carvel ice cream cake.  And then left it at home . . .   We realized this fact when she and I went to pick up our pizzas, (yes, we had to go get the pizza ourselves),  so we bought some cheese cake and cannoli from the pizza place. Once we got home Jeanne and I sat down to eat pizza and drink the entire LARGE bottle of Sangria that she had brought.  It was delicious !  

Yesterday on my actual birth day The Man and I packed up the house for our trip north for the summer.  We had leftovers for dinner and I spent the day pretty much forgetting that it was my birthday. If it wasn't for the phone calls, texts, e mails and facebook greetings I wouldn't have thought yesterday was any different from any other day. 

THE PINEAPPLE DID IT !

 When my eyes opened at 6:30 this morning I knew I was in for trouble.  I had a wonderful night's sleep, which is rare these days because my brain is working over time preparing for the pending return to Michigan. I don't want to go but have no choice.  I keep telling myself I am with The Man because this is God's will but I do not have to like it. 

The thoughts of spending five months away from my home, family and Florida friends is weighing heavily on me.  During the day my thoughts are consumed with packing and planning and preparation for leaving. During the night random thoughts of what needs to be done before I leave here  keep popping into my already over loaded brain.  It is typical behavior for me and I know that as soon as I settle in up in MI I will be content with the beautiful weather and surroundings.  I WILL be OK.

This morning I woke up in the dark, checked the clock to see that it was only 6:30, staggered out of bed to make a potty stop and because I wasn't totally awake I returned to bed. I pulled up the covers and was ready to keep my brain shut down so I could get a couple of hours more sleep when a thought wormed it's way into my brain.  

MY PINEAPPLES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!          

Two years ago I decided I wanted to grow another pineapple. When I had my house down here I had grown three pineapple plants in my garden and was rewarded with three of the sweetest, juiciest, most delicious pineapples that I have ever eaten.  When I sold the house I gave the plants to my friend Theresa and she continued to reap the benefits of Florida's warm weather and sunny skies.  

Side note . . . A pineapple plant will only produce ONE pineapple !  After that one pineapple is grown the plant then starts growing new shoots which are then planted and they in turn each produce ONE pineapple. It takes about 2 years for a pineapple plant to produce a fruit. No wonder pineapples are so expensive.

Any way . . .  I now have TWO full blown pineapple plants in my little garden and BOTH of them have pineapples growing in the center of them.  We, Kaelin and Finn and I, discovered the beginnings of the fruit last fall when I returned from MI and were so excited!  We have watched them grow all winter and each time I looked at them I KNEW EXACTLY what was going to happen.  

I leave here in one week  . . .  not only will I be leaving my home and family I will be leaving my two ALMOST ripe pineapples that I grew from nothing.  I will be gone, they will remain.  I can't pick them early, they need to finish ripening on the plant.  I will have to leave them here for my grand kids to pick and enjoy.

THAT is what kept me awake at six o'clock this morning.  I was upset about not getting to share the pineapples with my grand kids after we had nurtured them all winter.  I should be happy that the kids will get to enjoy the fruit but I am really wanting to share it with them while I am here. 

What a nut case I have become !  The fact that I am in tears over a PINEAPPLE is just insane but then again if it wasn't the pineapple it would have been something else keeping me awake this week before we leave.  

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT'S MINE !!!!

 I feel like a three year old yelling, "M I N E !!!!!!!!  " but that is exactly how I feel.  I have suffered the ultimate betrayal by The Man .     

HE ATE MY CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNY !!!!!!!!!

If I had a gun I would have shot him dead !  

Let me set the stage for todays tragedy.   For Easter I made Easter Baskets for all my grand children AND for The Man.  He HAD HIS OWN CHOCOLATE.  In fact his Easter Basket contained TWO chocolate bunnies. . .   Godiva Chocolate bunnies . . .  One was white chocolate, the other was milk chocolate. In addition to these two good sized chocolate bunnies he had small chocolate eggs, THREE Cadbury eggs and some chocolate that I had brought down from Michigan and saved for The Man's Easter Basket. Add to ALL this chocolate Kaelin and Finn gave The Man a milk chocolate bunny. If you care to tally up the amount of chocolate that The Man has consumed in two weeks time it comes to a SHIT LOAD !

For Easter I gave myself a small dark chocolate bunny that I bought at Publix just so I would be able to appease the chocolate craving that was bound to raise it ugly head once The Man got chowing down on all his candy.  I knew full well I would NOT be getting any goodies so I took care of myself.   God Bless Kaelin and Finn because they also gave me a small milk chocolate bunny that I was saving for just the right day.  (I can save chocolate for months just so I don't feel like a pig.) 

Yesterday I opened my two chocolate bunnies, (TWO weeks after Easter and about ten days after The Man had finished the last of his chocolate stash.)  I bit the ears off both bunnies and then placed them in a small zip loc bag so I could nibble on them during the week.   

Can you imagine my horror as I was working in the kitchen tonight and saw the man open MY bag of chocolate, reach inside and in one swift "CHOMP" he ate the ENTIRE REMAINDER of the milk chocolate bunny that Kaelin and Finn had given me.   I couldn't believe what I was seeing and  I was also super pissed at myself fo having left the bag on the counter top.  I immediately said, "Hey, That's MY chocolate!!!!! " And The Man continued to chew while he looked at me as if I was the most horrid person in the world for "hoarding" chocolate.  REALLY,  like he couldn't believe I would be upset !!!  I told him I had put it in the bag because it was mine and I was saving it.   No comment, just a shrug.

Now I know I am being totally irrational but I swear I could burst into tears because MY BUNNY IS GONE !  I don't know if I would feel this bad if I lost one of my children.  

And to prove just how insane I am, I'm thinking The Man did this on purpose because I went to the beach this morning and am going to Kent's tomorrow, leaving The Man ALONE !!  If he knew how upset I am about some freaking chocolate he better watch his ass or he will find himself alone a lot more often !

A THREE VALIUM AFTERNOON

I don't write for weeks and then we get a day like today where I could spend the entire time writing. It is therapy and if my hands are busy typing they can't strangle THE MAN !

I discovered this afternoon that The Man is part bloodhound and part retriever and part greyhound.  I had always thought that it was only dogs that liked to chase cars but today I found out that this is not true. Much to my dismay and much to my disbelief I have just spent the last hour in The Man's car while he chased several Fed Ex trucks.    

It all started this afternoon when I happily returned from PT and a lovely quick trip to my favorite store, Bealls Outlet. (Pronounced "BELLS") I had bought The Man a shirt last week but it was the wrong size so today after PT I stopped back at Bealls to return the shirt. I was in my "Happy Place" by the time I got home so when I found The Man on the phone I just went on with my business of getting into my comfy clothes and getting something to eat for a late lunch out on the lanai.  I wasn't out there very long before you know who came out to tell me all about his phone conversation with his bank, the forms he had to fill out and return to a Fed Ex drop box IMMEDIATELY !  This conversation would make you think there was a crisis with The Man's bank accounts but let me assure you that is not the case. For the past THREE months The Man has been talking about moving some money around that had been set aside for his grand daughter's college tuition.  Since Grand daughter decided back in November that she was not going to college this year the money has been sitting quietly.  For what ever reason this past Friday was the day that The Man HAD to call the bank, arrange for forms to be sent by Fed Ex so he could fill them out today and return them immediately.  NONE of this has anything to do with April 15th tax day or any other time limitation. It is just The Man who made it all a CODE RED for today.  He had some poor slob from the bank on the phone when I came home helping him fill out the forms properly so there wouldn't be any mess up because we are leaving Florida in 3 weeks and HEAVEN forbid things got lost in the mail. (Had all this been done months ago there would be no chance that mail wouldn't reach us before we left town but that is too easy.)

Once the forms were filled out we then HAD to go immediately and find a Fed Ex drop box to mail the papers. I know where one of these boxes are but The Man wanted one closer, (closer than one mile). I checked on my phone and sure enough there was a drop box 3/4 of a mile away so off we went.

This is where it starts to get just down right silly !!!!!!!

We followed the directions on my phone only to find ourselves in a commercial park with no drop box in sight.  As we were turning into the complex The Man saw a Fed Ex truck leaving the parking lot so naturally he decided to chase the truck with all intentions of flagging it down and giving his package to the driver.  MY reaction to this insane turn of events was to ask if The Man had lost his freaking mind. NO, I did not say that exactly, what I did say was, "Really???????  You're going to chase the truck? It could be going anywhere!" . But follow the truck we did. Only problem was that by the time we got turned around the truck was no where to be seen so we spent the next fifteen minutes driving in and out of parking lots looking for the truck. I finally convinced The Man to go back to the original parking lot to see if we could find the elusive drop box. We did exactly that but never found the damn box.  

It was at this point that I suggested we drive the extra quarter mile to the drop box that I knew about so once again we headed out down the road. As we reached the corner what should be standing three cars ahead of us waiting for the light to change ????? . . .  Did you guess a FED EX TRUCK ???  YUP !! And did you guess exactly what The Man decided to do ???????? . . .   CHASE THE TRUCK ????  YUP !!!! 

By this point I was beyond any form of rational thinking.  I could NOT believe this man was chasing trucks like a junk yard dog.  At the next light the truck turned and so did the light so there we sat watching the Fed Ex truck drive off into the sunset.  My brain was screaming, "YOU  %#*&!%&^% IDIOT" but my mouth said, "Dwayne, we have to pick up our dinner at the restaurant. It was ready twenty minutes ago. Let's just go put this envelope in the drop box that I told you about.  (AN HOUR AGO !!!!!)

That is what we did. Took all of two minutes, picked up dinner, drove home and I was too worked up to even look at food.  

The wine is delicious !