IF A TRAIN LEAVES THE STATION . . .

 I am breaking into hies just typing the sentence above.   When ever a math teacher started their lesson with that sentence I knew I was in trouble.  I mean really, who cares !!  If I just look at the train schedule I can give you the answer in a lot less time than it is going to take me to do the math.  So REALLY ?  Will I EVER need to use this useless information in my life? 

Apparently I DO.

Or if not me then the pharmacies of the world sure do need to go back and learn some math skills!  OR . . . is it all about the MONEY ????????

So here's my question of the day . . .  If I need to take a pill for my blood pressure and the doctor writes a script for ONE pill, ONCE a day every day for a month how many pills will I need to order for ONE MONTH ??????  

 Now I am not a genius nor am I good at math, (just ask my high school math teachers), but if there are thirty days in a month and I take one pilll every day I come up with the a answer of One pill every day times thirty days should equal THIRTY PILLS !     Or if you prefer to see this in an equation . . .             30 X 1 = 30.       I think I am correct in my advanced mathematical solution to this horribly complex math problem.  Right ?    

Tell that to my pharmacy.   I order my pills through the mail from a company that is approved by my insurance plan.  When I switched to Humana after Cigna decided it didn't want to deal with Floridians any longer, (can you blame them?) I gave Humana a list of all my medications and I was happily informed that all my meds are covered by their plan.  GOOD NEWS !!   Whoopee !!!!   The insurance company asked me if I wanted "Automatic refills" to which I replied.   NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     If ever there was a company to screw up a soup sandwich it is an insurance company refilling prescriptions.  Never EVER give them permission to control any part of your life as long as you are still mentally capable of handling your own medication.  Every time I am hospitalized for more than a day there is ALWAYS a Royal F... UP  with my medications.  But that's a whole other blog !   

I am all set to start receiving my medications each month WHEN I ORDER THEM !  So why do I keep getting bags of pills in my mailbox?  Now if those pills were Valium or something good I would not be complaining but how many bottles of antacid can one person use?  I call the pharmacy and they promise me they have taken me off the automatic refill list.  The pills keep coming.  I send various e-mails and the pills still keep coming. I receive text messages almost daily reminding me that a prescription of mine is due for a refill. I text back . . .STOP  . . .  DO NOT REFILL AT THIS TIME.      And then 5 days later a package arrives with . . . guess what ???  Yup, the pills that I did not need!!!  I really don't know what to do about this.  I will need to empty a closet to store all my "drugs".  I guess I could just keep letting them send me my meds every three weeks (IN STEAD OF EACH MONTH) and then at the end of the year I can open my own pharmacy.   

Trouble is that with every unwanted refill I receive I am charged for them.  It's not a massive amount of money but the point is the insurance company is making money faster than necessary.  I guess every time they get their electric bill they just start refilling peoples prescriptions whether you need them or not. But at least the drug company will keep its lights on for another month. 

Does any one out there need some antacids at a really good price ?

A L E X A !!!!!!!!!!!!

 Once again my very BFF, Sharon, is trying to make me loose the very few marbles that I still have rattling around in my head.  I love this woman dearly. I could not ask for a better friend . It doesn't matter that we live thousands of miles apart.  It doesn't matter that she leans one way in politics while I lean the other way.  She prefers being around old people, I prefer being in the company of little children.  She was a nurse, I was a teacher. I love to try different foods, she will stick with fried chicken and French fries.  But some how or other when ever we get together on the phone or in person we laugh till we cry and talk till we fall asleep. And our visits are NEVER long enough.  

I had not seen Sharon in about 8 years.  Health, husbands, family and distance kept getting in the way of spending time together. But like all true friendships we would pick up right where we left off.  We do seem to have a psychic connection because when ever one of us is going through something tough the phone will ring and there on the other end is the exact person we need to talk to right at that exact moment.  

But it seems that in spite of this amazingly wonderful connection she still likes to find ways to drive me CRAZY !!!!

Perhaps you remember my blog about the "Dryer Balls" ?  The marvelous gift that BFF Sharon sent me one Christmas?  I am still chasing those silly things around my house every time I do a wash. And I always think of Sharon as I am cursing the damn things.  (But I really do love them, just don't tell her.)

This spring the stars were in alignment. We were both healthy, we didn't need to stay home to take care of anyone and we both had the time free.  So  Sharon came to Florida to visit. Only 3 days because according to her "House guests are like fish.  They stink after 3 days."  I promised her she could shower every day so she wouldn't stink but she held firm and left way too soon for my liking.  We didn't do much while she was here except eat, talk and LAUGH till we cried.  It was so great to be with her.

One of her first observations when she arrived at my condo was that I did not have an ALEXA. She found it quite strange that I have existed all these years without the eighth wonder of the modern world sitting in my living room.  I explained that I have enough voices in my head I really did NOT need another one.  Over the next 3 days the topic of Alexa would pop up and Sharon would extol the endless virtues of adding this to my life. I politely listened and didn't give it another thought. 

Until guess what arrived in the mail about a week after my BFF"s visit ?  

Did you guess an hippopotamus ?   I hope not because that would be silly !   It was ALEXA!!!!!!!  My reaction was the same as when I opened the Apple Watch that my Son and daughter-in-law sent me a couple of years ago. "What the hell am I going to do with this??????"   And like the Apple Watch that I wear EVERY DAY and love  . . .   Well . . .   I'm really not to that point yet with Alexa but I am sure it. will grow on me. 

Given time I am sure Alexa will become a regular visitor to my world but I am still not used to speaking to her.  Living alone it seems weird to talk to nothing but I have learned she will play music that I like.  That is awesome !   She will tell me what the weather will be for the day so I know if I need the umbrella for our afternoon monsoon.  The most I use Alexa for is spelling.  Spell check on the computer sometimes messes up or when I am hand writing a note to someone and can't spell Caribbean.  (Not that I use that word often but living in Florida it does come up every so often. ). It is then that I turn to Alexa.  And here is where the problem is.   Apparently Alexa has been created by a person under the age of 80.  When I ask for the spelling of a word Alexa spells it SO QUICKLY that I just about get the first 2 letters written and she is done with the entire word.  So I ask her again, " Alexa,  please spell Caribbean".  And she repeats it again just as fast as the first time.  Maybe I get 2 more letters but I still don't have the whole word.  Was that 2 "R's" or 2 "B's" ?   Let's try this again.  Alexa, spell Caribbean SLOWLY !    And I get "Caribbean slowly".    Oh Lord !!  Again . . .  Alexa, S L O W L Y spell Caribbean.    She still rattles it off so quickly that I am still missing the last 3 letters in the word.  Apparently S L O W L Y is not a concept Alexa has learned.  Us old folks need people and Alexa to speak SLOWLY. !!!!!!! 

I finally give up and rewrite my letter to not include the word Caribbean.    

Thank you Alexa and Sharon. I think it may take me awhile to get used to this new addition to my life.  Maybe I could use it as a target for when I am throwing the dryer balls. 

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH

 Well, I guess that's really not true if you think about it.  There are soup kitchens that provide free lunches.  Some kids in school get free lunches and if you go to Chick-Fil-A on your birthday you get a free lunch.  (They even have a day when if you dress like a cow you get a free lunch.)  So I am wrong.  You can get a free lunch.

BUT . . .   There is NO thing as a bargain in a furniture store or a car dealer.   (If you care to you can go back about 4 years and read about my poor RAV 4 experience. Talk about a sucker deal. I was sold a year old car that had been in a flood in Massachusetts and brought to Florida to sell to an inspecting idiot who thought she got such a GREAT deal.  Never trust a car salesman.  I will NEVER buy another Toyota.)

Moving on to the furniture store.  

Today I decided I really needed to wash the covers on my 2 white dining room chairs. I don't have many occasions to have 8 people for dinner but just in case I bought 2 extra chairs when I bought my dining room table with 4 chairs 9 years ago when I moved into this condo.  I dragged Theresa to the "Rooms-To Go bargain store near us and in there we found 2 white "leather" chairs that would fit nicely with my table and chairs.  The chairs were well made, solid, attractive and the price was right!!!  I had been looking for chairs for a while and could not believe what ONE chair could cost !  It was like buying a whole house.  Who needs to sit on a twelve hundred dollar chair ???????  My grand kids were still young at the time and quite prone to food related accidents.  I am the kind of grandma who really doesn't care about spills and food mess. It can all be wiped up, rubbed clean or covered with a towel or a rug.  So when I found these 2 "cheap", white chairs that could easily be wiped down if there was a mess on them it was a no brainer.  They were perfect. 

Fast forward about 2 years when I noticed the "leather" seats were cracking and flaking off.  Just a little but I figured the dry air in the house was probably causing the seats to dry out.  Easy fix for that . . . AMAZON !  They have everything and sure enough there were lovely beige covers, reasonably priced, good reviews and fast shipping.  When those arrived a few days later they were super easy to put on the two chairs and in a matter of minutes I had 2 "looks like new" chairs.  Not only were they very attractive but they were easy to clean. Not that I cleaned them often but when ever I found a spot on them I would wipe it off and they looked like new.  

It wasn't until today that I decided I REALLY should take the covers off and throw them in the wash. As I reached under the chair to release the strap holding the seat cover on a few flakes drifted to the floor.  HUM???  Well I guess the chairs are shedding a little more of their "leather" upholstery .  So I began to pull the cover up and off the seat and back of the chair which resulted in a snow storm that was equal to the blizzard in Michigan this past winter.  I had white flakes of what ever the hell those chairs are covered with flying around the room.  Think of that old abandoned house in your neighborhood who's paint is pealing. That was my chair.  I swear to you the resulting drifts of flakes were as high as my knee.  (Well, maybe that's just a little of an exaggeration. But there definitely was a crap load of chair flakes all over the dining room by the time I had removed both covers.). What a mess!  

The covers went right into the washer and the vacuum came out of the closet.  It took me so much time to vacuum up the mess that my vacuum died.  I had to stop and recharge it.  But that gave me the perfect amount of time to write this blog. 

Will I get rid of the chairs?  Heck no!!!  I've got 2 perfectly good chair covers that will cover any future flaking. The covers fit only those chairs so I can't use them for anything else.  Of course if I take the covers out of the washer and they are in shreds then I may have to rethink this whole thing. After all I did buy the chair covers on sale so I can only expect the worst. 

DON'T DUMP THE DUMP CAKE

 I am always on the lookout for an EASY recipe.  I like to cook and bake.  I learned from my mom who was a wizard in the kitchen.  Hand her a can of cream of mushroom soup and she would make a gourmet meal, complete with dessert.  (Of course I was just a kid and would eat just about anything, including tongue, tripe and kidneys.  It's amazing what my mom could do with those.).  But her genius really came out when she was baking. I would come home from school to the most heavenly smells wafting from the kitchen.  (That was probably why I came home.).  My mom baked for the entire neighborhood.  What ever she had made was usually shared with at least 3 of our neighbors.  Thank goodness because if she left ALL her baked goodies in the house I would have been a two hundred pound six year old.  I still have little to no will power when it comes to cakes and cookies. 

 And she was creative!  Every 4th of July a small cake would appear decorated with whip cream, strawberries and blueberries artfully arranged like the American Flag.  I won't even tell you about the Christmas goodies she would create.  I would kill to have her recipes but sadly when she died and my dad sold the house he threw out EVERYTHING.  I forgive him, he's a man who was focused on moving and clearing out years and years of stuff.  But I still wish I had that little green tin recipe box that held all the magic.

Where was I ?. . . .   Oh yeah,  Dump Cake.     The first time I heard of this was on Facebook.  (I can get sucked in for hours scrolling one video after another.). So when I saw DUMP CAKE I had to stop and check it out.  I have made several dump recipes in my lifetime but to me "dump" meant that when I made something that was absolutely horrible I would dump it in the garbage.  (Believe me there were more than one.).  But here was an actual recipe to dump a cake?   I HAD to check that out. I came to find out that it is a way of making a cake without having to get out the electric mixer!!!!!  Already I knew this was for me because my mixer is wonderful but it weighs a ton. The prospect of having to lift it  out of the closet and carry it to the kitchen without dropping on my foot or getting a hernia is usually too daunting so I don't bake.   But a cake that didn't require using an electric mixer??????  Whoa !!!!!!  This is for me!

I happened to tell my friend Theresa about this recipe I had found and her response was, "Oh yea. I've made them".  Now what kind of a friend keeps something like that a secret ??????  But I should have known better.  This woman is also a wizard in the kitchen so of course she would have known about this new fad.   Because I happened to find a dump cake recipe for a lemon cake and I know that lemon is one of Theresa's favorite flavors,  (That and Butter Pecan Moonshine which I am told is best had when poured over vanilla ice cream. ).  I knew I had to make the cake for her. The timing is perfect since her birthday is this weekend. 

I watched the recipe video several times to make sure I knew what I was getting into.  Looked easy . . . I'll give it a try. 

 STEP 1 . . . Dump a can of lemon pie filling into the bottom of the baking dish.  OK where in holy hell do I find lemon pie filling ???????   Oh sure, the baking isle has all the cans of pie filling. They have cherry, apple, pumpkin, blue berry, raspberry, chocolate, coconut but NO lemon.  Four trips to 4 different  grocery stores and numerous numbers of store employees assuring me that "Sure we have lemon pie filling" I still did not find any.  I could order it on line but it would take 2 weeks to get here. (Apparently they only make lemon pie filling in the furthest regions of Antarctica.)  I was going to have to think outside the oven on this one. I bought 2 boxes of lemon pudding mix and used that instead.   

STEP 2 . . . sprinkle  1/2 cup of cake mix across the pudding.  Easy Peasy

STEP 3. . .   Cut an 8 oz block of cream cheese into small cubes and place them all over the top of the mess in the pan. NO Problem !!!!!  Except stupid me who is used to working with cream cheese in recipes took the package out earlier so it would soften up.  Do you know that warm cream cheese does NOT slice well. It would be much easier to cut into cubes if it was COLD!  But I now have a half made cake sitting on. my counter and no time to freeze the warm, mushy cream cheese. It wasn't pretty. I plopped GLOBS of cream cheese across the cake and hoped for the best. 

STEP 4 . . . Dump the rest of the cake mix all over the cream cheese. Covering it evenly.  Evenly??  Who are they kidding?  Between the globs of cream cheese and the dumping of cake mix I was lucky most of the cake mix made it into the pan.  As it was I had enough cake mix spilled all over the counter that I could have made a cupcake.

STEP 5 . . .  Last but not least . . . cut one stick of butter into thin slices and distribute them evenly over the top of the cake.  HA !!!!!  Once again it would have been very nice if someone had mentioned that the butter, like the cream cheese, is SOOOOOOOO much easier to slice if it is COLD !!!!!!!!!!  Dear Lord ! I was ready to dump the cake . . . in the garbage.   But I will prevail and make my mom proud. (If she can stop laughing her wings off).  Do you know how long it takes butter to chill after it being at room temperature for an hour?  Neither do I because I just followed my previous adventure with the cream cheese and plopped globs of gutter across the top of the cake. No pattern, no symmetry, nothing . . . just PLOP !!

I am now sitting here in my living room waiting for the cake to finish baking. I am wondering if I will actually give Theresa the WHOLE cake.  Do you think she would mind if half of it was missing?  It smells divine. And I do think I deserve a reward for the conquering the "EASY" Dump Cake recipe. 

THE THINKING BROOM

 Harry Potter had the Talking Hat.   I have the thinking broom. Well to be totally honest it is a Thinking Vacuum, not a broom.  Although it could be a mop or a. scrub brush or even a weed whacker on those rare occasions I am working in my "garden"  ( It's more like a boarder of weeds that fills 2 sides of my lanai.) What ever the "tool" of the day happens to be that is my thinking time.

I'm reading the latest book that my youngest child has just published. It is titled " Beyond The Gates of Eden".  I am truly enjoying learning about this child of mine and his search for his identity.  WHO KNEW all these things were swirling around in his head all those years that he has been alive.  He writes about his search for self and where it has taken him. For what ever reason he only finds those hidden parts of himself when he is climbing a mountain in Tibet or running a 4 day race across the Sarah Desert. (That one will happen in November. I've already started praying.)

His book has got me thinking about how we find ourselves and the paths we take on that journey.  Where are you when your thought process at its peak?  Sitting on a beach in Florida?  Tucked in a cozy cabin on a lake? Sitting on the toilet at two in the morning?  We all have that time in our days when we are given the opportunity to search inside our psyche and evaluate the direction we are going.  

Now I am not saying that we all DO that. Some people don't ever give it a thought. They live moment to moment, one foot in front of the other plodding through life day by day. No goals in sight, no question of "Is this all there is?"  And those folks are happy with the status quo.  But then there are people who are ALWAYS questioning and searching and thinking.  It's that thinking part that will get you.  It's times like when I am cleaning the bathtub that my mind starts clicking and thoughts start pouring in like a good Florida thunderstorm that can drown you in a matter of seconds.  That's my brain when I'm doing some mindless task.  I can hear the switch click on as my mind starts to rumble and shake. Oh Oh . . . watch out here comes Lord knows what.  

If I am sitting on a beach or in a cabin in the woods my brain is content to just be quiet and at peace. It's happy, calm and content.  But if I start to clean the house my brain apparently has a need to THINK.  Not about what I am doing but think about everything and anything else other than cleaning. 

 Being an only child. I had A LOT of. time alone to think. But I always found something to occupy my mind  rather than thinking about who I was and where I was headed.  That is still true at 81.  The one exception is when I wake up at three in the morning. What is it about the middle of the night that your brain WAKES UP !!? One minute. I'm sound asleep and the next minute I'm planning my 12 year old grand daughter's wedding. Makes NO sense at all.  But I least I don't get up and start cleaning. 

WHAT'S NEW IN THE NEWS

 My kids are starting to make fun of me . . .   (Well that's really not true, they have been making fun of me for years.   I tell them I am just providing them with material to laugh at when I die,).  The most recent source of entertainment in their world is my constant source of information.  Most of my conversations these days begin with, "You know what I read in the paper today?" 

 After all those years of never having time to read a paper it is one of my indulgences that I truly enjoy.  There are many days when I don't take the time to sit on the lanai and read the paper as I eat breakfast so I end up with a stack of newspapers that I "really have to get to" but never do. My recycle bin is full every week with "old" papers.  

I started getting the daily paper after husband died. He was the ultimate source of local information because of his attention to EVERYTHING in the paper and on TV.  I have taken up his passion for newspapers but for a totally different reason.   I honestly don't care about the sports section and classifieds but the rest of it is quite entertaining.  I can ALWAYS find a story about something stupid that someone has said or done. That's a given when you live in Flori-DUH.    But there is interesting stuff too.  

Today I read that the desert sands from Africa are headed this way so watch out hurricane season.  Did you know that our hurricanes begin in Africa ?  The sand there fills the air and blows out across the ocean where those sand particles pick up moisture.  They then gather and grow into storms.  (That's the very simplified version0. The more sand blowing the more storms.   I'm not quite ready to put up my hurricane shutters but I will be paying attention.  

Along with that our Death train, the Brightline, in in financial trouble.  I guess they have had to pay for too may funerals for all the people they have run over. Which really isn't fair since the train did not case down these idiots who insist on walking or driving on the train tracks.  I really think victims should be paying the poor engineer of the train who is now in major therapy for PTSD after killing someone who jumped in front of the train or was too stupid, drunk or stoned to realize a train was coming.  As for the idiots who drive across the tracks while the gates are down, lights are flashing and bells are ringing as the train races down the tracks at 80 MPH while blasting its horn . . .  Well, honestly they are no loss to humanity since they are the dumbest of the dumb. 

Also in todays paper . . . one of Jeff Bezos' rockets blew up at Cape Kennedy yesterday.  No one was hurt but it was quite the show. The flames lit up the sky for miles and miles.  I was not outside last night so I did not get to witness this but from what the paper said I probably could have seen it from the beach near me.  

Lastly, there was a good editorial about The Donald recently going for his annual physical.  (Stay with me here. I am not pushing my political opinion.). The writer of the editorial voiced all the things that I have been thinking for years.  There is NO comparison between the health of The Donald and that of Biden when he was president.  It seems that one of the BIG "concerns" of those trying to make us believe that Trump is unfit for the job of president its the fact that he has large purple bruises on his hands!!          HELLO !!!!!! . . .   Anyone over the age of 70 is familiar with that affliction.  If you don't have large purple bruises over 90 % of your. body you are blessed for sure.  All I have to do is gently bump into a pillow and I immediately turn purple where ever I bumped.  Dwayne experienced the same thing. And NO, neither of us were/are on blood thinners.  We did/do take a small amount of aspirin each day but My shin would get these bruises even before I started on the aspirin a day routine.  People are constantly asking me what I did to cause such a mark.  If I fell down a flight of stairs or something.  Nope, I just knocked into the sofa or some equally innocuous item.  

The other observation that is being made of our president is that his hands appear swollen.  Yes?  And?  This is seemingly unusual to some folks who are not old enough to experience the joys of aging.  Not only does our skin get so much thinner so it bruises much easier but swelling of the extremities is very common in us older folks.  Standing or sitting for long periods of time causes feet and legs AND HANDS to swell.  It is unavoidable unless you choose to lie in bed all day and do nothing.  Contrary to popular opinion excessive activity or rest isn't good for old folks.  We need to learn moderation. something I and my president seem to be unable to do.  I could not keep the schedule President Trump keeps. I would be dead in a matter of weeks.  

It is also a proven fact that the older we get the less filters we have.  If I THINK something there is a really good chance I will SAY it.  I victim of a double whammy in that department.  My mother was famous for no filters.   Open mouth . . . insert foot.    There was no knowing what she was going to say. And this is true of her from the day I was old enough to listen to her.  (Not listen as in obey, because that NEVER happened. But listen to her when she was speaking to other people.  She was someone who people loved in spite of what she said to you.).   I do try to think before I speak but that is getting harder and harder the older I get.  There just comes a point in your life when you say, "Screw it !!!  I think it so I say it!"  Sorry if it offends you but that's how I feel.    

I guess that's why I blog. 

TODAY'S MAIL

 I would like to ask all of you out there to pray for my mailman.  He is going to need surgery to repair the hernia he is getting from delivering my mail.  I'm sure that after bringing all this crap to me for the past 9 years he will be due for surgery very soon.

I started my morning today by walking out to the parking lot to bring in my paper recycle bin from yesterday's trash pick-up. Then I walked around to my mail box to collect yesterday's mail. Good thing I had the recycle bin with me because I had SEVENTEEN  requests for donations stuffed into my mail box.  Seventeen ?  I'm sure most people. don't get that much mail in a month.  Lucky me !!!

Included in this collection of solicitations from various cancer societies, missions, medical aid groups, homes for children in need, the blind, the deaf  and Lord knows what else,  I have received a garbage can full of FREE gifts.   For some reason these charitable organizations seem to think that if they send me a gift worth one dollar I will in turn send them a check for $35 or more dollars.  (The good old days of sending a check for five or ten dollars are long gone. The base amount of a contribution is now $35. All that for sending me a pen that doesn't work.)

But wait . . .   The charities have gotten very creative these days.  It used to be I would receive twelve bazillion address labels in the mail in the course of a month. (Half of which had.my name spelled wrong, all of which I tossed in the trash). I guess I wasn't the only one who had no need for that many address labels.  The charities decided to get creative with their. gifts. Now I no l longer have 12 bazillion stickers, Instead I have 12 bazillion plastic grocery bags!!!  I could probably stand outside of Publix grocery store for 24 hours handing out a bag to every customer going into the store and I would still have enough to come back another day.  (I am actually thinking of sewing the bags together to make rugs for my living room and bedroom.  Possibly the dining room too.). 

Fortunately we are not limited to just grocery bags.  Some of the organizations really have gotten quite creative. In yesterday's mail I received the following:  2 bleach pens for getting stains out of laundry items,             1 combination pen-flashlight-screw driver,         A box of 6 reusable straws (I have no idea what that is all about but I will give them a try),            1 bowl scraper to use when I am baking the apple pie, fry bread and fruit pudding that I received the recipes for,         1 2027 wall calendar,        a check for $1.95      and.           a one dollar bill, (which I promise not to spend all in one place.). 

Very creative indeed.    Now you understand why I am concerned for my mailman's health.  This mail all arrived in one delivery.  If you multiply that by 6 days in a week,    52 weeks in a year I figure my mailman will be in need of surgery in about 37 weeks.   If I send you all a letter asking for a contribution will you please send a check for at least $35 for the Mailman's health fund?  

Sorry I don't have any more plastic grocery bags to add to my request but I gave them all away to different charities.  

WEIRD STUFF

 I bet you've been sitting on the edge of your chair just waiting for this blog.  Wasn't it two or three days ago that I promised I'd give you part 2 of my last post TOMORROW . . .  Oops . . .  I got distracted.  Every so often I will have a day where I actually have ambition and energy and if I don't jump on it I will just sink into the couch and do nothing productive.  That was the case this past weekend. The lanai has been a mess, weeds, dirt, furniture not in its place. I think I may have been going for the "City dump" look, which I achieved.  I spent the weekend outside in the hot sun trying to clean up the patio to the best of my aching body's ability.  I found out that my garden hose has sprung a leak that rivals Old Faithful.  It was hard to power wash the cement when half the water was pouring out from the middle of the hose.  I sure hope Snidely the snake wasn't out there because he would have been washed away.  (Yes I have a snake or two living in the overgrown weed patch that I call a garden) Every so often I will go out side and find him sunning himself in the middle of the lanai where it is nice and warm.  He's about 3 feet long. (Not any where close to the size of the Pythons that are over running or should I say slithering all over the Everglades.)  

But I digress.   I am back now at 5:30 in the morning to finish the story that I started on Friday. Onward to the weird stuff. 

The morning after my grand daughter's high school graduation I had a bone density test at a local hospital. (Something my doctor likes me to have done every 2 years. I keep telling her that my bones are fine, it's my brain that I worry about.).  Off I go for the scan and when I arrive at the hospital I realize I don't have my drivers license.  (I have been changing pocketbooks almost daily because of all the different events.). I fully expected it would be a problem to register for the scan but fortunately I was "IN THE SYSTEM" Which kind of worries me at times.  Who is in charge of THE SYSTEM?  What do they know?? When did I first enter THE SYSTEM???  Can I get out of THE SYSTEM ????  So many questions.

But in this case it was a good thing. I was not required to prove to anyone that I was indeed who I say I am.  (If I had known this I may have decided to be the King of France or someone much more interesting than me.).  

To continue . . .   I do the scan and drive back home very carefully so I will not give any cop a reason to pull me over and ask to see my drivers license. Which I don't have.  All the way home I am going over in my mind where the holy hell I have put my ID.  I of course come up with nothing.  I knew I had it on Thursday because I showed it to the guard at the gate of my daughter's community. Beyond that I haven't a clue. We had gone to dinner, attended the graduation and out for a second dinner so my grand daughter could finally eat.  (She had been on the go all day and was starving.). I got home at 10:30 PM and went to bed.  Next day my ID is missing.  I had been taking tissues and phone in and out of my purse all during dinner and the graduation. I could have dropped the license anywhere.  I call my daughter and ask her to check her house and car. I look ALL over my place. I go out to my car TWICE to look under the seats, in the door, between the seats, under my car. I looked everywhere !!!!!  I dumped all three pocketbooks out on the bed and went through every pocket and wallet. NOTHING !!!  I checked the 2 bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchen, dining room, living room AND the messy lanai.  The ID was no where to be found. 

Now I have to tell you that the entire time I am searching I am talking to my Guardian Angel, Maggs. Think what you will but I KNOW we all have a guardian angel who can hear us when we speak. I talk to Maggs, (short for Magnificent ) all the time.  He/she does not answer me, (I do NOT hear voices in my head) nor can I see this celestial being but I know he/she is doing a great job watching over me.  (Lord knows how I ever would have made it this far without an angel.).     So here I am, walking around the house searching for my ID card while asking my angel to help me find the stupid thing.  I go out to my car for the third time and still have no luck, I even walk over to the mailboxes to see if I might have dropped it there. At this point I'm deciding how and when I can get a new license.  I walk into the house muttering to myself and look over at the kitchen island and there sits my drivers license . . .  In the middle of the empty counter . . .  The license is white, the counter top is black . . . I could NOT MISS seeing it.   Yet I had spent an hour walking back and forth past this counter and not seen ANYTHING !!!!!!!!!!

I checked my closets for someone hiding in there because there HAD to be someone in the house who put my card on the kitchen counter.  Nope . . .  There is no hole in the ceiling where the ID fell through from outer space . . .  WHAT HAPPENED ????????????????????????

I have no explanation for this . . .   except   THANK YOU MAGGS.  

STUFF AND WEIRD STUFF

 It's only a month and two days since I told you I would write more often.  My Bad.  The days are flying by and I no longer choose to run in the rat race.  I am getting tired just watching my kids trying to stay ahead of life. I remember sitting in school waiting for the bell that signaled freedom. The day seemed endless.  Now I just blink and the day has gone by and I have accomplished nothing except getting out of bed and eating everything in sight.  I only eat one meal a day because I don't have the time to squeeze in any more.  Ahhhhhhh. the joys of getting older.

Yesterday was a testament to this.  Grand daughter #2 graduated from high school !!  My little baby girl is now 18 years old and headed to college this summer. WHERE HAVE THE YEARS GONE ?????????????  So many memories and it still feels like she was born yesterday.  How is this possible ?   

K had her graduation party this past Sunday. Friends and family. Lots of excitement but not nearly as much as yesterday. I swear that girl was vibrating like a guitar string. She was SO EXCITED.   She spent the last 4 years working hard and getting the full high school experience. She was secretary of the student government for 4 years. She took college level classes and she had a zillion friends.  And FINALLY, here it is . . . The BIG day !  I think I was as excited as she was if that were possible,  

Graduation was at 6 PM at the South Florida Fair Grounds. 500 kids in her graduating class. That is a shit load of kids. But I must say it was extremely well organized and in 2 hours from start to finish we were heading back to the car. With a thousand stops along the way for the girl to take pictures with EVERYONE ! My girl wore her sashes, ropes and medals proudly and didn't stop smiling for one second.  How ir was possible that I enjoyed her graduation more than my children's or my own??  (I know why I enjoyed this graduation more than my own because for the entire duration of MY graduation day I was expecting someone to reach out and stop me because I really didn't have enough classes to graduate.  I HATED high school and to this day have blocked out most memories of those 4 years of agony.)

But here I am. Watching my daughter's daughter walk across that huge stage to get her diploma.  WOW WOW WOW !!!!

By the end of the night the excruciating pain in my feet and legs was nothing. I would do anything for my girls.  I can't tell you how long it has been since I wore new shoes WITH a heel. (That REALLY reminded me of my age.) Of course we walked and stood in lines for hours before, during and after the ceremony.  It was worth every blister, bunion and bruise. (But I DID LOOK GOOD!).  

We had eaten an early dinner/late lunch before the ceremony so we were able to survive the endless parade of graduates crossing the stage and the speeches by students, faculty, school principal and district superintendent.  All of which were thankfully short and almost entertaining at times. But the festivities didn't end there.  K just didn't want the night to end so we went to a local restaurant so she could eat,(at 10 PM). My daughter and I had mocktails, (No alcohol because we both would have fallen asleep.) We all sat and chatted until K's "little" brother almost fell asleep at the table. ((He is 15 and so tall and skinny. But when 10 o'clock rolls around he is DONE !!! )

We all said goodnight and I was home by 10;20 and I am WIDE AWAKE !!!  I tried watching some TV. No luck. I took a hot shower, nothing.  I lay down in bed reading. Nope.  I get up and wander into the kitchen to make a cup of tea with honey and go sit in my favorite recliner. It's dark, it's comfortable, the tea is hot and I have a good book. Still I am not tired !!  THAT is how awesome the day was.  I finally went back to bed at 5 AM but had to get up at 10 for a bone density test at the hospital. (Something I have done every 2 years)  Since my normal night's sleep is TEN hours I was so tired that when I came home from the test I crawled up on the bed and slept for 2 hours.  

I'm feeling great right now but I wonder what tonight has in store for me.  Maybe if I can't sleep tonight I'll have some ice cream at 3 AM to see if that puts me to sleep.. 

Come back tomorrow for the "Weird Stuff" part of this blog.  

A BUSY DAY FOR THE PALM BEACH POST

 I REALLY enjoy reading the newspaper.  As a kid we always got the paper delivered to our home each day. I never read anything except the comics. Especially the Sunday comics!  They were in color !!  And there were puzzles to do. It was better than a coloring book.  I remember my dad reading the comics to me when I was little. His favorite comic was POGO. I know, I'm dating myself. But after a childhood of Pogo it was an easy slide into being a MAD MAGAZINE fan in my teenage years.   

Then there was high school, college, marriage, children and all those other things that took up my day so I never got around to reading a paper. When Husband retired he would sit in his recliner every day and read the paper cover to cover.  There was no need for me to "waste" my time reading a paper because Husband would tell me all the "important" things that he read.  It was always so convenient just asking Ger "What are they building down town?", or "I heard a bunch of sirens yesterday. What was that all about?"  He ALWAYS knew what was happening as long as it had been posted in the paper.  (That and Fox News)

Now that I am retired and older I get to read my own newspaper each day and I love it!   Each morning I look forward to the game of hide and seek as I go out side my lanai to see where the delivery person has hidden my paper today. Some days it is on the roof. Some days behind the bushes. There are days that I have actually found it IN the tree right outside my lanai.  I must say that the most recent delivery guy is REALLY good at putting my paper right outside the screen door. I must thank him/her for that because most mornings I am just getting up and Lord knows what I might be wearing.  It's wonderful having a condo that faces the back so the likely hood of anyone seeing me are slim to none but you never know. 

Once I find my. paper I retire to the hightop table outside the kitchen door with a cup of coffee or a breakfast shake.  (I really am trying to eat healthy but I will often have a piece of banana bread or a danish along with my drink.).  The little table is in the shade so even on those broiling hot days it's a comfortable place to enjoy a nibble and some news. 

The Palm Beach Post isn't really much of a paper which is fine with me.  I do not like the stuffy leftist New Your Times.  The Post leans far enough Left but it isn't pompous like the times.   (Personally I think that people who read the Times are just pretending to look intelligent and snooty.). The Post fits me just fine and gives me PLENTY of things to make me laugh. 

Normally Monday's paper is so thin that I have extra difficulty finding it if it's hiding in the grass or shrubs. While Sunday's paper is SO heavy I need a wagon to bring it into my home.   There are more inserts and adds and "garbage" stuffed into Sunday's paper that I nearly fill my paper recycle bin in one day. So I guess by Monday the editor doesn't have much news left over. But thin as the Monday paper may be it was chock full of good stuff today. 

Let me start with the front page headline.   PILOT SUSES TO PREVENT NAMING AIRPORT FOR TRUMP      Some idiots down here have decided they want to change Palm Beach International Airport to Donald Trump airport.  Now don't get me wrong. I LOVE THE DONALD !!!  But I really don't think we need to change the name of our little airport just because that is where he always flys into when visiting his home on Palm Beach Island.  President Trump knows how much MOST of us South Florida residents love him. BUT to try to take this to court is just plain silly.  

And while we are on the subject of Our President . . . in today's paper there is also an article about the helipad at Mar-a-Lago.  Yes folks, The President. of the United States has a small helipad on HIS property. No one was objecting to that. until it was announced that the helipad needed to be made slightly larger because the new helicopters being used by our government to transport any president are now larger than previous ones.   This apparently has upset some residents of the posh community living on the "exclusive" island of Palm Beach.  REALLY ????   The residents of the island are not opposed to the helicopters, just to making the landing area larger by 2 feet on each side.  HUH???

Moving past the next 3 articles regarding our president . . .. (It must have been a slow day, Only 4 articles about our President).  The front page of the "LOCAL" section of today's paper reads . . . NEW APP  BRINGS MURALS, DANCING FIGURES TO LIFE.  I spit out my coffee laughing when I read this one.  The bi-line reads        "West Palm Visitors Can Experience Augmented Reality".   If the way tourists drive down here is any indication I think most of them are already experiencing "Augmented Reality".   To go further in the article it says  "A West Palm Beach agency is making skeletons dance at one of the downtown restaurants.  They have launched a phone-based self-guided tour that uses augmented reality to enliven West Palm Beach's downtown for visitors,"  As if it's not interesting enough?    I CAN NOT wait to see what this is all about!   All I know is that when I had my heart surgery I was seeing the figures, (that did NOT exist) dancing and moving in a painting on the wall of my hospital room.  If West Palm has discovered that by giving the tourists a small purple pill and then sending them out to wander the streets is a profitable venture than I'm all in. 

 Maybe they got the idea from another one of the articles in todays Post which is titled , , , TRUMP SIGNS ORDER ON PSYCHEDELIC DRUG RESEARCH.   (Yes, more Trump!)  At first I thought the article was referring to some of our bazaar folks in Washington DC who come up with some pretty kookie ideas but upon further reading it is actually something really good.  It has been found that people with severe depression, mental illness and PTSD can be helped by using certain experimental drugs.  That is fantastic news for many of our veterans.  Maybe we could also try some of these drugs on some of the most extreme liberals in our government. Watch out AOC !!!

A MEMORIAL TO THE MAN

 March12, 2026    The world has lost another good man this evening. The Man - My Man   passed away around 10:30 tonight.  He was 78 years old and suffered from severe COPD.  It is a wonder he managed to stay alive these past nine and a half years that we were together.  Most of my blogs have been about The Man so you know he was a constant source of "entertainment" for me.  I often wanted to kill him but all in all it was a wonderful decade.  

We met at a birthday party for one of my Florida friends. That was in January of 2017.   The Man happened to be visiting an old Army buddy of his who lived in Florida and knew the birthday boy.  Being the only 2 people at the party without a spouse we started to chat and that was that.  My husband had just been dead a year and The Man's wife had died 3 years past.  God did some good planning that day because The Man and I were meant to be together for so so many reasons.  

The Man had never been on a cruise. I took him on our little Margaritaville cruise that sails from West Palm Beach to the Bahamas where it docks for one night and then sails back.  It's a great way to see if you enjoy cruising.  I will never forget The Man's reaction when we walked into our room on the ship. He stood there looking around and said, "It's not all grey."  The only ship he had ever been on was a Navy cruiser when he went to Vietnam back in the 60's.  He loved the cruise so over the years we sailed to Cuba and then a second cruise to some of the beautiful islands in the Caribbean.  Wonderful memories.

And then there was Alaska !   The Man's son lives in Alaska so every summer dad would drive up to see his son and go moose hunting. ( Moose meat is delicious !).  Now that we were a couple I spent several summers making the 7 day drive from Michigan to Alaska and back.  We went Halibut fishing 6 hours off the coast of Valdez, AK. We panned for gold, spent a weekend at a hotel in Chena Hot Springs where we soaked in almost boiling hot water that came up from underground springs.  We celebrated July 4th Alaska style.  No fireworks because it never gets dark in July so instead you have a big beer party in the back yard and blow up plastic garbage bags filled with propane.  It is much more fun and a lot louder than traditional fireworks.    So many good times in Alaska and such amazing scenery on the drive through Canada to get there.  Between The Man who spent his last 5 years in the Army at a base in Fairbanks and his son we saw places that no tourist has ever been.  

Winters in Florida were always special because The Man could spend all winter outside on the lanai while the farm in Michigan was covered in snow.  I would tease The Man that the only reason he was with me was because I had a condo in Florida and I was with him because of his farm in the UP.  When I met The Man I had never heard of The UP,  Upper Peninsula, of Michigan. I had never seen Lake Superior and its incredible beauty nor had I swum in Lake Michigan which happens to be freezing in the middle of July. I educated The Man in Florida sights, (Of which Donald Trump's Mara Largo was his favorite spot to drive past), and he showed me the heart of the UP.  Talk about different worlds !!!

And now all that is memories.  This winter I spent 4 months at the farm enjoying SNOW !!!  (Everyone up there blames the huge amount of snow that they got on my desire to see snow. I am not invited back in the winter ever again.).  The time I got to spend with The Man this winter was very special.  I think we both knew this was going to be our last time together. His breathing had gotten so much worse, he was often struggling to breathe and he was telling me he was tired and was ready to give up. We took it day by day, brought in Hospice, had helpers coming in 7 days a week but it wasn't enough. The Man had talked about going into an assisted living in town but was never really all in on that plan.  The someone suggested the Veterans Community Care residence that is part of the VA hospital about an hour away from the farm.  That appealed to The Man and within 3 days he was moved in and happy to be there.  It was a big room, laundry service, 3 meals a day delivered to his room, ice cream any time he wanted it and lots and lots of nurses and aids who checked on him all the time.  He was in Heaven.  And I was able to be there for the whole week before I came back to Florida.  I didn't have to worry about him falling at home or having trouble with his oxygen when no one was there to help.  

The day I left him I just knew I would not see him again.  Just a feeling that we both had.  We sat on his bed and talked for a while about what a wonderful time we had being together. We both agreed that God put us together for a reason.  We decided God wanted me to learn patience and he wanted The Man to stop worrying about everything.  We both got an A+  so it was time to graduate to the next step in our lives.  

Dwayne . . . AKA The Man . . .  took his last step tonight.   He will be missed.   I know he is still with me and I spent a while alone tonight talking to him after he was gone.  We will see if he sends me a message to let me know he is OK.  (Husband sent 2 messages after he passed and you can not tell me otherwise). 

Maybe I'll have more time to write now but don't bet on it.  Even without the nightly hour long phone calls I do manage to never have enough time to do everything I want to do.  But I promise to try to do better with my blogs.  I'm sure I can manage to get into plenty of trouble on my own.

Say a prayer for Dwayne . . .   He was a very special guy.  I was blessed to have had him in my life. 

BRAIN FREEZE

 I wish it were just my brain that is freezing but that is not the case.   Every morning when I wake up here on the farm in Michigan the first thing I do is grab my phone and check the weather. I could just look out the window but that can be quite deceiving. Take this morning for instance.  I woke up around 8:30 and looked out the bedroom window.  The Man was already out in the kitchen having his cup of coffee. 

There's a side blog here.  We have small one cup coffee maker that uses pods which are in a basket on the counter by the coffee maker.  All you have to do is put the little pod in the machine, pour water in the back of the machine and push ONE button. ( OK, so you do have to remember to put your coffee cup under the spout but most times we do remember.)  The man comes from the bedroom with his walker, rolls across the kitchen, right past the fridge and over to the counter where the coffee maker is.  He then has to reach into the cabinet right over his head to get a mug.  Reach into the basket to get a coffee pod and turn on the water faucet to get the water to pour into the machine.  He does all this then sits on the walker seat and waits.  Sure enough, two minutes later he has his coffee.  He has always added just a little Half and Half to the black coffee until he decided it was too much work to open the fridge to get out the Half and Half. So now we buy little tiny cups of coffee creamer like the ones that you get in a restaurant.  (That is if you don't have a senior citizen in your group who immediately empties them and the entire supply of sweetener packets into their purse.)  So . . .  the coffee ritual takes no amount of energy or time but The Man has decided it is too exhausting so he will do without his coffee.  STUPID, STUPID ME !   I started putting out his coffee mug, pod, spoon and water so now I am EXPECTED to do this every night.  I forgot one night this past week and someone other than me was in a snit because he had to go through the process all by himself.  GIVE ME A BREAK !!  

Anyway, back to the topic at hand.   I looked out the window to find the sun shining like I haven't seen in months.  Bright sunny day with the sun reflecting off the snow. (OH YES!  We still have lots of snow). Now because the sun was shining I stupidly assumed the day would be warmer than it has been for the. last month or two.  I opened the window as I usually do to let some fresh air in the room before I made the bed. HOLY CRAP !!!  It was FREEZING out there.  No wind, just beautiful sunshine and a temperature of MINUS 17 DEGREES but it felt like MINUS THIRTY THREE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I slammed the window shut and went back to bed.  When I got up at 10 it had warmed up nicely.  It was now only MINUS NINE DEGREES.     

Have I mentioned I do NOT "do" cold ???   I moved to Florida for exactly that reason and yet here I am in the arctic.  I do not like this Sam I am !  

I am really ready to return to sunny Florida and leave my boots, gloves, hat, winter coat, scarf, wool socks, flannel pants, fleece jacket under the coat and The Man right here.  Bye Bye Bye !!!

Two more weeks and I'm out of here.  Hopefully not in a snow storm because my flight is at 6:15 AM and if it is snowing I don't think the little plane that takes me to Detroit will be able to fly.  That would be a cruel joke on me but at this point I think I would just start walking. 

I'M LOOSING IT

 For most of my life I have used the phrase "I'm loosing it" to express my mental state.  When the kids were growing up and I was racing from one soccer field to another with a stop at the little league field before running into the store to get food so I could go home to make dinner before Husband arrived home I would often say "I'm loosing it".  And often I WAS loosing it. Just hanging on by a thread to get through another day.   I don't miss that part of my life. 

Now I have entered into another phase of life where I am loosing EVERYTHING except my mind. (My mind was lost all those years ago which is leaving a lot of room for me to totally focus on all the other things I can manage to loose. ) 

Last night as I was searching for my glasses, which normally are sitting on my face but for some reason I had taken them off so now they were among the missing.  I think it was my eyesight that was the first to slowly drift off into the mysterious fog of aging.  I was in my 40's when I realized I could no longer read the writing on a can of soup or a box of cereal.  I was now that woman in the grocery store stretching my arm as far as it would go trying to bring the item in question into focus.  I gave in and bought "cheaters" by the dozen so I could leave a pair of reading glasses in every room of the house.  And still I would loose them.  Desperation set in and I made my first appointment with an eye doctor. I have progressed to wearing bifocal glasses full time for distance and reading. But when I take them off I always manage to loose them.

Next to go was my hearing.  That one really sucks !  At first I couldn't hear the grand kids clearly. Now I am to the point where I can't hear ANYONE clearly.  It is super frustrating that I am wearing hearing aids but after ten years they are not helping very much. Time to loose some money and get new high tech ones. 

Which while we are speaking of "loosing" money I am also loosing teeth and those puppies cost a FORTUNE to fix and/or replace.  Holy crap !   I mean inflation has affected everyone but for goodness sake,  teeth, eyes and ears are pretty essential to life so can't we get a break here.  It seems that the magic number for purchasing teeth and hearing aids starts around six thousand dollars and goes up from there,  I can't afford to loose any more body parts that are not covered by insurance.  Another few years and I will be the homeless, toothless, deaf old lady sitting on a park bench with my bag of junk that I carry everywhere because if I put it down I will loose it. 

As for other body parts I have lost there are several.  I "lost" my tonsils at age 3.  progressed on to my 40's when things really started falling apart,  Knee, shoulder, gall bladder, several female parts and new pieces of my heart  My body is like a topographical map of Tibet.  Lines of scars  all over the place.  

The latest area of loss is my hair. I always had thick hair.  Now it is as thin as hair on a snake.  Every time I wash my hair I collect a wad of hair from the drain. If I had been smart I could have started weaving a fur coat from the hair I've lost.  I can't wear dark color clothes because the falling hair lands on my shirts making me look like a wooly bear caterpillar.  Only problem is this caterpillar is never going to turn into a butterfly.  Instead I will remain a hairless, blind, toothless, deaf moth.  Now there's something to look forward to. 

Moving on to other losses in my life.   I have lost my youth. Which really isn't lost, it's just hidden inside this old body. Because youth is a state of mind I am never going to lose that.  

Sadly though,  the worst thing about aging is the loss of people in my life.  I am so blessed to have so many amazing people as part of my life. Unfortunately none of us live forever so when I "loose" someone close to me it hurts.  No amount of money can replace those we love. Which is a good thing because after all these other "losses" I have no money left. 

Time keeps moving on and I keep loosing "things". The one and only thing I have not lost is weight !  

MIRACLE MILE

 There is a running joke about the "miracle flights" where passengers in wheel chairs line up at the boarding gate in airports. The airline staff push them down the jetway to the plane where they are seated as close to the front of the plane as possible.   When the plane arrives at its destination all the wheel chair passengers are suddenly cured of their disability. They jump up and race up the jetway seemingly in perfect health.  It's a MIRACLE !!!!!!

I am living with a man who has daily "miracles" when it suits him. I, on the other hand,  will be confined to a wheel chair for the rest of my life from all the "jumping up and getting" required when The Man suddenly can NOT do anything for himself.   I guess I should be used to it.  After three kids and a husband who tried to get mom to do EVERYTHING for them this is not a new thing.  I never had trouble telling the kids to "do it yourself" or "get it yourself" but for some reason it is harder for me with a man.  Probably because they get so pissy and go into their "POOR ME!"  mood that will last for days. 

Right now, as I write this, The Man is STANDING in the living room.  I have not seen him stand upright since I got here in October.  He is always sitting and if he does stand he is all hunched over as he               S L O W L Y pushes his walker to the bathroom or bedroom.  At night I make at least ten trips out to the kitchen to get things he has "forgotten" or needs.  This morning I was asked to get him a protein drink from the fridge just three seconds after he walked right past the fridge. This sort of thing happens all the time.   

My favorite miracle happened two nights ago as we were getting ready for sleep.  It was just after midnight and I was DONE !  I had made my six thousand trips out to the kitchen for The Man and I was ready to sleep.  Before I got into the bed I asked if there was ANYTHING else he needed. I got a "no thank you" and stupidly believed him.  I crawled into bed, turned off my light, took off my glasses, took out my hearing aids, put on my c-pap mask and was just ready to relax when I heard a voice.  I was hoping it was God telling me I did good today and I should have a nice nights sleep but alas . . .   God does not speak to me from behind a bi-pap mask.  I knew it was The Man but since I  no longer have my hearing aids in and The Man is wearing a plastic mask over his mouth and nose,  I CAN NOT make out a single thing he is saying.   I take off my. mask, put in my hearing aids, turn on the light and ask him to take off his f'ing mask and say again what he wanted.  (I should have just rolled over and ignored him.) At 12:20 in the middle of the night The Man wanted to know if I had a NAIL FILE .   I was totally dumbfounded !!!!!!  A nail file ?????????????   It seems that the previous night he had slept with his false teeth in and he had woken up with the partial plate on the bottom snapped in two. He had just had a "spare" plate made two. months ago but had not yet gotten around to wearing it to break it in.  Now his old plate is broken so he wears the new plate ALL day. By midnight his mouth is sore so  (YOU BETTER SIT DOWN NOW) . . . that he wants a nail file to file down one of the teeth on the plate that is rubbing on his gums.  Need I remind you it IS AFTER MIDNIGHT !!!!     I calmly tell him I do not have a nail file so he says, "I THINK THERE IS ONE IN THE KITCHEN OR IN THE GARAGE "   The garage is about 50 feet from the house, It is after midnight, there is 4 feet of snow on the ground and the temperature is MINUS THREE degrees !!!! It really is a wonder I did not grab one of his rifles from behind the door where his bathrobes are and BLOW HIS FREAKING HEAD OFF !!!!      What I did do was just roll over, take out my "ears" and shut off the light.   I did not dare open my mouth for fear of what might come out.  God give me strength because there is always more. 

Every night just before we go to sleep I turn down the thermostat from "Tropical Rain Forest" to "Antartica".  I can not sleep when it is 103 degrees in the bedroom.  I figure The Man is under the covers so he won't freeze. ( I have yet to have him tell me how cold he was during the night.)  I am instructed ("asked") to turn the heat up if I get up before him in the morning.  (That NEVER happens I love to sleep in until at least 9:30.). When I do get up in the morning and walk out to the kitchen I find The Man sitting in his underwear with a cotton long sleeve shirt on to "keep him warm".  The Man owns TWO  bathrobes ! One is quilted the other is fuzzy. He NEVER wears them.  He would rather sit freezing for 2 hours until I get up so he can have me turn up the thermostat.  The reason he doesn't put on his bathrobe is because, "IT IS TOO HARD TO GET FROM BEHIND THE BEDROOM DOOR".  He is opening and walking through the door to get to the kitchen but it is too hard to grab the bathrobe as he goes by !  The reason he does not turn up the heat himself is . . .   it is too far to walk to the thermostat.   It is FIVEsteps from the kitchen door to the kitchen chair and SEVEN steps to the thermostat .  But the poor thing can not make it those extra TWO steps to crank up the heat.   

I accept all this because I know how difficult it is for him to breathe. BUT today when his grand daughter stopped by to pick up some things that were in the living room, (remember the living room? It is the room that The Man never goes into because it is too far for him to walk . . . ) Except for when something is going on out there and he NEEDS to haves nose in what ever is HAPPENING.  His grand daughter came in, chatted for a few and then headed out to the living room with a cardboard box to fill with the things that The Man wanted her to take.  She no sooner opened the living room door when The Man JUMPED up and literally raced in to follow her.  (He did use the walker). Once he was in the living room he STOOD up watching her every move and proceeded to instruct her how to load everything in the box.  Usually The Man can manage standing for about 30 seconds.  He stood there today for ELEVEN MINUTES !  I timed him!   

Another miracle !!!!!!!!!!!  

Of course he is now in bed taking a nap while he left me to give instructions to the helper who is coming later today.  I wonder if I instructed her to murder The Man would she do that?  I'LL LET YOU KNOW.. 

AVALANCHE. ! ?

 I am giving serious thought to how I can murder The Man.   I figure I would be doing him a favor since he has one foot in the grave already, all he needs is a little shove.  There have been quite a few days lately that he has told me he is tired and just can't "do this anymore".  I sympathize totally with him so murdering him would be justified.

It's been quite the roller coaster ride since I got up here in. October.  For the 5 months that we were apart, him in MI me in FL, he would call me EVERY night and tell me how much he missed me, he couldn't wait till I got there, I am so beautiful, we can get married when I come up to MI, (seriously ! ) and he just can't live without me.    Once I got here none of that has been mentioned.  I am apparently much more lovable when I am two thousand miles away.  (I can assure you that is a fact!  It just took The Man this long to figure it out.). 

Now that I am in residence on the farm I get the opportunity to cook, clean and do EVERYTHING without so much as a thank you. Of course he is incapable of helping in any way because he really is quite weak but it really would be nice to hear him offer every once in a while.  One of my big jobs is being his secretary and keeping "THE BOOK" up to date.   Long ago when I first started on this journey I suggested we get a note book and write down all the doctor visits, medications and any other medical information.  I had done this with Husband and it was a game changer. Every time we would visit a doctor they would have twenty questions about whatever and I could thumb through my color coded book and produce answers within seconds.  (I impressed the hell out of some of the doctors. Hell, I impressed myself.). It is a win win when I can look up something in THE BOOK and read exactly what was said or done when The Man is insisting that never happened.  It has come to bite him in the butt more than once. 

But today was so frustrating that I wanted to throw THE BOOK at Mr. Man.  He had a conference call this morning with a doctor.  He had no idea what doctor.  Turns out it was a new doctor from the allergy clinic in Green Bay, WI.  Having never met The Man the doctor is talking like this is a "normal" 30 year old fairly healthy male. He does not know that The Man has END STAGE COPD, and is now under the care of Hospice.  Those two little facts should change the whole treatment plan but The Man does NOT tell the doctor any of this.   The Man is on the phone going over his tale of trying to get shots to raise his bodies immune system.  Ten years ago these shots were a game changer. He stopped getting respiratory infections and ending up in the hospital every month. He was able to get the shots in Florida and in Michigan and the VA covered it all.  But something went haywire this year and since The Man came up to the farm in April he has not had a single shot.  His immune system is tanking and he thinks that getting these shots now will suddenly change the severity of his COPD (which it will not. The damage to his lungs is only going to get worse and worse until it kills him.) We have talked about this MANY MANY times and yet when the doctor called today The Man was all hyped up on this doctor finally getting the shots for him. I am sitting across the room with THE BOOK open in front of me shaking my head. 

I have promised. myself I would SHUT UP and just let The Man do his thing but all I could think was this poor dumb doctor was going to waste hours trying to set this all up and in the meanwhile The Man will have died.   

I tried to get The Man's attention to tell him to let the doctor know he was having Hospice coming in because he is in end stage COPD but he never said a word about this to the doctor.  

It was at this point that I decided to put on my boots, jacket and gloves and go outside in the blizzard with hopes I would be lost in the snow.  (I actually went out to feed the birds). As I was plowing myself through the 3 foot snow drifts I got to thinking how I could kill The Man and no one would suspect a thing. If I just went into the bedroom where The Man was napping and put a pillow over his face I could make it look like he suffocated in an avalanche.  Once I killed him I would open the bedroom window and pile a bunch of snow inside the room as if an avalanche had come roaring down and hurried The Man under 4 feet of snow.  There certainly was enough snow but there really isn't any mountain for the snow to come roaring down.  Do you think the police would believe we went to sleep with the window open and all that snow blew in and covered up his body?     I may have to work on this plan a little more.  

In the meantime I will SHUT UP and say nothing to upset The Man. Maybe I could just add some Valium to his morning coffee.  Come to think of it, maybe I need to add some Valium to MY morning coffee!

YOU NEED TO RELAX !!!!

 Why is it that the person in your life who stresses you out the most is the one always telling you to RELAX ?   

I am not one to sit down and do nothing for hours on end.  I'm not saying that I might actually enjoy being in solitary confinement for a decade or two but my normal mode is one where I am constantly moving.  I enjoy rainy days alone at home binge watching something on TV but when I do that there is always that little voice in my head telling me to go do . . .   whatever.  I have NEVER said "I'm bored" except when The Man is giving me detailed descriptions of how he washes himself off in the shower.  (Yes, he actually spent a good ten minutes the other day taking me step by step on his shower routine .  "First I turn the light on in the bathroom and then I . . . You really. do NOT want to hear the rest. ).   It drives me CRAZY when he goes through the steps of how he does something.  Meanwhile when he wants something I need to play twenty questions to figure out exactly what the hell he is talking about.  (Like when he has me searching for something in a drawer.   It goes something like, "Would you get me that thing that I put in the drawer the other day."  What thing?   What room is this drawer in?  Which dresser in the room are we talking about?  Drives me nuts !!!!  And he gets frustrated when I ask my questions, as if to say, "What is wrong with you woman?  Can't you do anything?"  I have yet to snap back with a sarcastic comment but it is getting harder to swallow the thoughts in my head.  

So now we have spent a good part of the day finding and doing things for The Man. By late afternoon all I want to do is go take a nice little nap. Problem is that The Man has been napping ALL afternoon.  Four hours at least. During that time I am catching up on stuff I want/need to do.  There is never enough time in my world. Would I love to sit and read for a few hours?  You bet !  Would I like to do a craft ? Oh my yes!  How about just sitting quietly in a corner playing on my I Pad?   Hell Yes !!  But it seldom happens. And it is getting worse as The Man's health gets worse.  

So when I have gotten up for the three hundredth time to get/do for The Man and I am getting a little PISSED he has the balls to say . . ."RELAX!"  The he proceeds to. tell me I "DO TOO MUCH".      

WHAT !!!!!!!!!!!   Who am I doing too much for ??????????????????  

Let me give you a perfect example that happened last night.  The Man washes up right after dinner so that he is settled in bed by 7 or 7:30.  At that time of the night I am just finishing cleaning up from dinner and have to still do a bunch of things that I kept meaning to do during the day.  I FINALLY get to shower and make it into the bedroom by 9:00 PM. I am no where near to climbing INTO the bed because now is when The Man decides he needs cold water.  Then he needs water in his C Pap machine. And he left the curtain open so could. I please close it?  Next he remembers that he has left his phone on the kitchen table, would I please get it for him.  By now we are heading toward 9:30 and all I want to do is crawl into bed.  I usually get one foot in the bed when he remembers he didn't turn down his oxygen concentrator. Or at least he THINKS he didn't turn it down. Would I go check it out?  OK  we finally get that settled, I climb into bed and ten minutes later he decides he would like some ice cream.  

By how you must have a pretty good idea of just what I would like to do with his ice cream. 

THE LAMP AND THE G D SPOON

 I am headed out side for some more "snow therapy" before I write this blog.  I may not come back in until  February.   Lord Lord . . . give me strength.

I don't need strength to keep from killing You Know Who but I DO need help to keep from falling on the floor while laughing hysterically.  You just can't make up this stuff.  

Let me start with THE LAMP.  The Man needs/wants a lamp by his side of the bed.  I get that . . . it is a reasonable request.  There are so many lamps in this house but they are ALL so old with frayed wires that I will not put any one of them in the bedroom for fear of it setting the house on fire.  (Although technically it would be on HIS side of the room so I could probably get out . . .  Hum?).   Oh, sorry . . . anyway ,  Several months ago while I was still in Florida The Man had one of his helper girls buy him a floor lamp. I got a detailed description of the lamp, (pictures included), along with how wonderful it was.  The BIG excitement came from the fact that the lamp had a REMOTE CONTROL !!  (This is just perfect for a guy who can't change a channel on the TV because he can't work the remote.)  I had visions of lights flashing off and on at all hours of the night.  But I was wrong. (Oh me of little faith.). I got to MI, the lamp was great, the remote made The Man happy so all was well with the world, until the lamp stopped working.  Or I should say it stopped turning off.  The only way to turn off the light was to unplug the stupid thing.  The Man was convinced it was because the battery in the remote had gone bad.  I spent a day running around trying to find this obscure size battery that is only made in China.  Finally found the battery, changed it out and guess what.  The lamp still did not work. (No surprise to me but The Man was SHOCKED !!!  Not literally.) He wanted me to go get another battery but I was one step ahead of him and had bought 2.  Still no light.  We knew it wasn't the bulb because if you plugged the lamp in it worked fine, We just couldn't turn it off.  The helper who had bought it returned the lamp and got another one just like it.  That worked for 2 days and the same thing happened.  Took that one back and got a store credit. I shopped on Amazon and the new lamp arrived yesterday.  The Man took over immediately and began to assemble the new lamp. Being a floor lamp it had 6 one foot sections of "pipe" that screwed into one another with the electric chord running through them.  The Man looked like he was playing pick up sticks. Sections of pipe were flopping all over the place, held together with the electric chord.  He finally gets to the last piece which has the receptacle where you screw in the light bulb.  One minor problem . . . all the individual sections of the pole were covered in plastic bags that could not be slid off over the top. It never occurred to "anyone" to take the plastic bags off BEFORE assembling the lamp.  There was much muttering and swearing until I got a scissor and cut off the bags.  Then there was the issue of connecting the lamp shade and screwing in the bulb.  I went into the bedroom to sort laundry.   As of today, the lamp is still standing, it has a little chain to turn it off and on, NO remote!, and it looks really good.  I'll keep you posted.

Moving on to the GD spoon, this was the final straw . . .  After "we" got the lamp together it was time for dinner.  Easy dinner of hotdogs and beans.  EVERY time I open a small can of beans a voice from across the kitchen says, "Whose going to eat all those beans?  Why do you buy such a big can?"   (I do not buy a large can of beans I buy the smallest can I can find and yet I still hear about it every single time.   No more beans for me.).  I put the small container of beans on the table and put a spoon in the container.  I took my helping and pushed it over toward the man.  Next thing I know there is more swearing at the GD spoon that is TOO BIG.  The fact that someone spilled beans all over the table had nothing to do with who was HOLDING the spoon.  The problem was THE SPOON !!!!!!!!   

Where did I put my jacket and boots ?  I need some snow therapy !!!

TOASTY IN MICHIGAN

 December 9th, 2025 and I am outside "playing" in the snow.  I think I have found a new form of therapy for people from Florida who haven't seen snow in decades.  

I honestly expected to be too warm up here this winter.  I figured if it was too cold outside I would just stay inside.  You know I am always writing about living in a hot house when The Man is in town.  Coming up to the farm for the winter I expected the thermostat to be set at 90 degrees so I would be wearing bathing suits trying to stay cool.  It has turned out to be quite the opposite.  I guess when it is you paying the heating bill the thermostat can stay set at 68. Now I am the one who is freezing.  

I have plenty of "winter" clothes up here thanks to my BFF Jeanne.  She is down in NY worrying that I am going to be too cold so she has sent me a fleece jacket, a puffy jacket, several pairs of wool socks, and a pair of warm sweat pants.  She has also given me a scarf that she knitted.   I am toasty !!!!  I already had 2 winter coats up here that are short so I bought myself a long puffy coat with a hood and a pair of knee high snow boots.  I have a super warm pair of gloves that the Navaho Indians sent me a year ago as a fund raiser.  I am covered head to toe with love.  

God sure has had his hand in my life these days.   I never expected to be spending a winter in Northern Michigan.  This was our summer retreat from the heat of Florida but God had other plans this year.  I think He knew I needed some snow therapy and The Man needed me here to help him through his journey.  The COPD is so bad these days and The Man is tired of all of it.  We have had a lot of talks these past couple of days.  I have always said he is a fighter and does not give in to weakness but he is tired of fighting. I totally understand but I don't know what to do to make it better for him.   I guess I will do what I do best and just listen and be here. (Thus the need for "snow therapy").  

Today was the perfect day for snow therapy. It snowed again last night while we were sleeping. There was about 6-8 inches of snow still on the ground from the last 3 snow "storms".  Last nights snow covered up all the dirty snow and made the world all clean and sparkly.  Until the guy who plows out the driveways showed up.  I didn't get out early enough to walk out to the mail box in the new snow but the woods and field are still untouched so that's where I walked.   It's cold out today. Minus 4 this morning but heating up to 18.  (I may go for a swim!).  I put on 2 pair of pants, a sweat shirt, fleece and coat, gloves, hat, scarf, 2 pair of socks and my high boots.  I haven't had that many clothes on EVER !!!!  Not even as a kid.  But I was TOASTY !!! (I forgot to mention the half box of tissues in my pockets. Nothing like cold weather to clear out those sinuses.)  

It is amazing out side. The sun is out and the snow is sparkling. The walk out to the mailbox is sheltered by all the tall pine trees so it looks quite magical. I stopped all along the way taking pictures of all the different trees with snow on them.  I cut across the woods from one driveway to the other in pristine snow. There were some deer tracks that crossed the path but other than that nothing had been there before me.  About half way through the woods I stopped to look up at the trees covered in snow.  It was so quiet that I could almost hear the few snow flakes that were falling.  I stood there with tears running down my face as I talked with God.  HE knew exactly what I needed in that moment.  

HERE WE GO AGAIN

This is a "hospital" blog so you can stop reading right now if you don't want to be bored. I am writing because I need to vent.  

 I am NOT in the hospital. Well technically I AM physically here IN the hospital but I am not the one in the bed. Once again we are having a "vacation" with The Man an hour from his home in Aurora Medial Center in Marinette, WI.  If you have to go to a hospital this is the place to be. Built in 2018 it has all the bells and whistles that all the old hospitals are missing.   

The last couple of weeks The Man has been having more difficulty with his breathing. I understand why but The Man just won't accept the reality of COPD.  It is fatal.  No cure, no real treatment, basically no hope of recovery.   I also understand why he does not want to recognize the reality of death waiting around the corner but it is what it is. We are on a one way street and going faster by the day. 

Back to the hospital vacation . . .  It took The Man days of not being able to breathe before he admitted MAYBE he should see a doctor.  Then we had to discuss his decision for a couple of hours. All the while I am making mental lists of what to pack because I know from experience we will NOT be returning home for days. Meanwhile Mr. Man is making his own list of all the things I need to bring FOR HIM!  I now need to decide what to put all this stuff in, my backpack just isn't big enough but a suitcase is too big. Having only 2 arms I will be balancing whatever I bring as I am pushing a wheelchair with "The Lump". in it. The Lump will be carrying a tank of oxygen because even though we have THREE contraptions with wheels to put the oxygen tanks in,  someone decided we needed to take this particular tank. In the car there is an oxygen concentrator, 4 tanks of oxygen, two wheelie carts to carry the oxygen and so many hoses and wires that I feel like a whale caught in fish nets.  

Now all of this is taking place on a Sunday morning. I had planned on going to mass Saturday night but things got crazy so I figured I would go on Sunday morning.  I woke up at 9:30 AM on Sunday. I spent some time trying to decide if I could make it to 10:30 mass to watch the live mass on my computer.  I almost decided to pull myself together and head to church when I walked into the kitchen to head for the bathroom.  As usual The Man was sitting at the kitchen table but today he was looking like dog poop.  I sat down to see what was going on and that was when he decided to contemplate going to the Er.  Forget thoughts of church, (I should have gone the night before). Forget a quiet Sunday afternoon of reading and forget my life being anything about me.  I was now in nursing care mode. and on the move to pulling everything together for a trip to the hospital.

Remembering that we are in Northern Michigan, medical care is going to be, at best, an hour away.  There is a hospital in the next town but they have a terrible reputation and our experience with them have not been good. So we headed straight to our favorite hospital in the next state.  It is also the hospital where The Man's pulmonologist works.  It is 90 minutes south of the farm but it's a nice ride along the western shore of Lake Michigan. It was a beautiful, sunny day to take a drive.  

 When we got there we checked in at the registration desk which took all of 3 seconds. Four seconds later someone was coming out to push The Man into the ER where there were THREE nurses waiting for us. Within seconds they had him in a bed, and changed into a hospital gown.  The ER doctor came in, everyone was asking questions, they took blood and a chest Xray, gave The Man 2 breathing treatments, put in an IV for fluids and another for antibiotics and left us to wait.  That was THE FASTEST ER admission I have ever experienced, and there have been many.   It was a whirlwind of activity so that a half hour after arriving we were sitting waiting for results.  All tests came back OK but they wanted to have us stay overnight to "monitor" the patient.  Two hours later when the IV's had finished we were moved to the ICU. The room was huge!  One bed, one recliner, 2 hospital trays, small toilet, and an alcove with a big window under which is a small table sitting between 2 upholstered seats.  This contraption folds out to make a camper style bed which is a little hard but I was so tired I slept like a rock.

The next day we were moved to a tiny room on one of the floors.  It had no place for me to sit no less sleep so that afternoon I got in the car and drove back to the farm for a shower, some clean clothes and a drink. It was starting to get dark as I drove home so I made the trip in exactly an hour.  Next morning I drove back to the hospital where the nurses took pity on us and moved us to a larger room that had a chair that converted into a twin bed.  Again it was not the most comfortable bed but it served the purpose.  Wednesday morning we were told that The Man was being released.  I don't know how we collected so much crap but we looked like nomads wandering the desert as I walked out to the car.  The man was exhausted so the trip home in a snow storm didn't bother him at all.

On the way to the farm we stopped for some groceries for Thanksgiving which was the next day. Just a "FEW" things. When we arrived home I got the Man inside the house and into his recliner while I brought in the four hundred bags that were in the car.  It was cold and snowing so I couldn't wait to get inside and warm.  

Next day was turkey day ! I cooked turkey thighs . . .  who knew you could buy just the thighs. The Man slept off and on all day but got up when one of the neighbors stopped by late in the afternoon.   Neighbor "Buzz" came in, had a beer and asked if the back of the van was supposed to be open.   

OH CRAP !!!!!!!!!!!!  I had left the wayback open and it had collected an inch and a half of snow. The ENTIRE  back of the van was filled with snow.  And so I spent Thanksgiving evening shoveling snow out of the back of The Man's car.  

And. you wonder why I drink !!

AGING GRACEFULLY ?

 This blog comes to you today thanks to my best friend Sharon.  I told her I would give her credit for it because without her I would never have a really good laugh. Sharon is the sort of friend who can get the two of us laughing over the dumbest things. And when I say "laughing" I mean pee your pants laughing. I know God put the two of us together as friends because if we were sisters our mothers would have killed us long before this.   Sharon and I are both born the same month in the same year. Just in different parts of the country. Only by God's hand did we find ourselves l living across the street from each other in NY and raising our families at the same time.  We can and do talk about EVERYTHING !!!!  We somehow keep each other sane when the world gets messy.  The older we get we are also "loosing filters" so if anyone is sharing a conversation with us they had better be prepared for anything.

And now for THE BLOG . . .  

Some how or other my chat yesterday with my BFF, (Who I have not seen in about 6 years.   Shame on me !)  was coming to a close when one of us said something about Aging Gracefully.  And it was down hill from there.  If ever there was an oxymoron "AGING GRACEFULLY" is it !!!  When you hit our age there is NOTHING graceful about aging.  It is a noisy, nasty, stinky, wrinkly, saggy and painful process. Nothing graceful in any of it.   Our bodies make some of the most God awful noises whenever we move. If we stand up too fast we get dizzy and have to flop backwards back into the chair before we fall over. (There is nothing graceful about a whale sized, uncoordinated old lady FLOPPING backwards into a chair.) I swear at times when my knees start making noises it sounds like a bone snapping in half.  And forget about the intestinal noises that can erupt unexpectedly as you walk across a room.  That's a ton of fun !  

Our noses constantly drip and our lips usually have some drool slipping out from the sides.  Our eyes water and Lord knows anything can and will happen when we sneeze.  Forget about the sags and wrinkles all over my body.  You would think that with all the sagging, gravity would pull the skin on my face tighter but instead my skin is a scientific phenomena that really should be studied.  If I am gaining weight why does it not fill in all the loose skin in my flabby arms ?   Where did those "wings" come from?  I was never three hundred pounds so why do I have all that excess skin ?????  

Old people no longer have specific body parts. All the body parts have all blended together to create something like an amoeba, no set form, just a blob of gelatinous material. My chin has reproduced itself numerous times so that it now keeps my chest warm. Which is a good thing because my boobs are no longer where they were supposed to be. They headed south many years ago never to be seen again.  It's a good thing my stomach is there to stop them or they would be tripping me when I try to walk.  As for the legs . . . well, my knees are drooping into my calves so my calves have had to move in with my, what used to be, ankles. No ankles, no calves . . . . Just cankles.    

Heaven help me if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving. How do you explain that not only can you not drive in a straight line but you also can not walk in a straight line.  Somewhere along this aging process I lost my inner compass so that when I walk I drift from one side of the sidewalk to the other.  I used to make fun of Sharon for doing the exact same thing when we would go for walks around the neighborhood.  It was quite funny at the time. Unfortunately now that it has happened to me it isn't so funny.  I hadn't realized just how bad it is until it snowed the other day and I took a walk out to the mailbox.  When I turned around to head back to the house  there were my foot prints in the snow looking like a drunk moose had just walked by. And while we are talking about "turning around" . . .   that is no easy task. It can take me 5 minutes to perform that maneuver. First I have to STOP moving forward and focus on where I am and why I want to turn around. Then it is a planned motion of putting one foot to the side, bring the other foot around to meet it, move the first foot a little more, move foot #2 again  . . . . and so on until I can no longer see where I was.  Of course more often than not by the time I manage this I no longer remember WHY I was turning around.  

When I tell The Man I am going for a walk it is a crap shoot as to whether or not he will ever see me again.  The good thing about all this ungracefulness is that I am absolutely in NO danger of ever being kidnapped.  One look at me "walking" along and anyone would pass right by. 

So as for aging gracefully . . .  it is IMPOSSIBLE !!!  But it is entertaining and at least I'm still able to se the humor in it.