BUT HOW ARE 'YOU' DOING ?

Thank you all my dear loved ones for asking that question. " but Cathie, how are you doing ?"  Said with love and true concern I really do appreciate your concern for me BUT right about now I want to answer, " How the "F" do you think I'm doing??????"  Husband is fading away right before my eyes. He is aging a year each day. He is cranky, (rightfully so), he is angry, (rightfully so), and he is an all around pain in the ass two year old who needs his "mommy" .  He is dying of Cancer. He falls down A LOT. His self respect has gone to hell in a hand basket and all semblance of dignity and privacy are long gone. He needs help but, Ger being who he is, will not ask for help and gets quite angry when help is offered. He is like a rabid dog biting at his owner's hand. What is he supposed to do when he finds himself on the floor at 2 AM needing to get to the bathroom. His pride kicks in so he gets angry.

I thought that God had given us this trial to make us stronger and bring us closer together but now I'm not so sure. Is He trying to break us down to our very core where we are stripped of all our stupid faults and are laid open to our true spirit? Frightening thought at what I REALLY am once all the veils and shadows are gone.

Who knows?  All I know is I'm doing the best I can, taking care of myself with a class on meditation,  coffee with a friend, therapist, massages and lots of laughter with the grand kids.  Will I survive this in tact?  Of course !   I have lots to live for and if I have survived husband for these past 46 years, what's a little Cancer ?

JUST HOW STUPID AM I ???

As I sit her with my head hanging over the toilet bowl I would say the answer to that question is pretty obvious. REALLY REALLY REALLY STUPID !
Back in my younger days there were a few occasions where I found myself in this very same spot thanks to drinking too much. But as bad as that is at least you have a buzz on so it really doesn't seem all that bad. But now I am older and I don't drink all that much so I haven't been hanging out over the toilet in quite a few years.
And in all those years I have learned that eating too much greasy food when you no longer have a Gaul bladder to help process said food is NOT a good idea.
So where was my brain tonight when I ate that delicious medium rare cheeseburger, those crisp French fries AND the extremely greasy onion rings? What the hell was I doing? What the hell was I thinking? Where was my brain?
GONE . . . . MY BRAIN HAS LEFT THE BUILDING !  If only the rings would leave my stomach.
I can't lie down because EVERYTHING quickly heads up from my stomach. Yet when I sit here hanging out in the bathroom, at almost midnight, nothing wants to vacate the premises. I guess I am doomed to sit here for the night watching old episodes of Walking Dead. If that doesn't make me toss my dinner nothing will. (Kent and Kristen got me hooked on that show. The Zombies are really stupid but I like the show any way. )
All I keep thinking about is how tired I am and the fact that I have to be up at 9 tomorrow.  But there will be no sleeping for quite some time tonight. I've tried all my usual remedies and so far nothing is working. Now I understand why gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins. When you are a glutton you wish you were dead!
BURP !

FUN WITH FUNERALS

I don't have. Problem with funerals. Or death or dying . It's a fact of life, no one gets away without experiencing it and you don't know the day or time.  I kind of like that. It's like a good mystery where you just can't figure out the ending and then WHAM it hits you up side your head and you go, "Holy crap, I didn't see that coming."   It's gonna happen whether you like it or not so why worry about it!
At some point we will all, "Lay with the worms", "kick the bucket", get lost, as in "I lost my wife last year".  I always want to ask if they looked for her or just let her stay "lost".  And once we have DEPARTED, dearly or otherwise, we will be mourned, (hopefully) for a short while by those we leave behind. Our family and friends will gather some where, a funeral parlor, some one's home, a place of worship and share stories of the person who has "passed". (This will be one of the few times I "passed " anything. Dying has got to be a lot easier than geometry.) The stories will probably be funny and bring smiles to those who knew the departed. Alcohol should most definitely be served in order to jog the memories. There should be lots of laughter mixed with the sadness of knowing you will not be laughing WITH this person whose life you now celebrate.

And so, with all this in mind Husband and I went to a local funeral home this week and pre-paid our funerals. WE HAD FUN !  It took forever for just the basics so we didn't even get to the fun part of choosing our flowers and music and verses. We just signed a bunch of forms and agreed to pay a lot of money so that our children do not have to do this once we croak. We found out how many children the business associate of the funeral home has, how many grand kids and that her husband is not only a preacher but an AVID Fox News fan. Two and a half hours later we left and went to celebrate over lunch. When relaying our days adventure D-I-L, Kristen she was horrified that we did this without being thrown into a state of depression, Keri was grossed out but relieved and thankful that we had taken care of this, and various other friends and family had differing reactions.

As I explained to all, Hey, we're Irish and there is nothing an Irishman loves more than a good reason to get drunk and party. And funerals are right up there at the top of the list of good reasons to party! So keep this blog in mind and when it is my turn to kick the proverbial bucket be sure you show up to tell stories, laugh and have a good time. You never know when it will be your turn so party while you can.

HAPPY DREAMS

I would very much like to go to bed some night and close my eyes and fall sound asleep with in minutes, Just like Husband !  How lovely it would be to close my eyes and have my brain turn off at the same time.  How lovely it would be not to be laying there for an hour or more planning the next day.
When H got cancer and his chemo brain kicked in I bought a small white board that we stuck on the bedroom wall right across from H's side of the bed. Each night when we go to bed I write on it whatever is on "our schedule" for the next day.  (The joke is OUR schedule since H doesn't have a clue and just goes where ever I go.)  All day today H kept asking me what day today was. And then after finding out it was Monday, (for the umpteenth time), he would tell me he has NOTHING on the calendar for Tuesday.  As I stood at the white board tonight listing ALL the things that were going on tomorrow I realized that the board was actually for me to keep track of the days events.
The fact that the repair man is coming to fix "our" wall oven makes no difference to H. As long as there has been dinner in front of him the past week and a half he could care less the lengths I have gone to to prepare the food.  Having the toaster oven die at the same time as the big oven really did present quite a challenge.
The fact that the cleaning ladies are coming tomorrow only involves H because there is a 2 hour time slot that he has to leave his chair and turn off Fox News. The fact that these two saints will come into our home and clean the mess that we are living in and more importantly disinfect the bathroom comes as no interest to H.  I will kiss their feet and pay them double to enter that bathroom after 2 weeks of H using it !
I will go to bed tonight with the phone next to my bed so I can get the call in the morning telling me what time the repair man will get here. I'll have to call the gate to let them in and then go "pre" clean the kitchen so the men can find the oven. Then it's on to picking up the news papers all around H's chair, getting the dishes out of the sink, putting away all the clothes H has strewn around the bed room and in general get the house cleaned up for the cleaning ladies.

With all this is rattling around in my brain as I get ready for bed it will take me an hour or so to settle down as I mentally add to the "TO DO" list for the morning.  But it really doesn't matter that all this is keeping me awake because I can't sleep anyway thanks to H's  snoring !

THE MISSING LINK

Once again I am referring to Husband. The poor thing!  Once again I sit here in total amazement at the things he says and does and wonder WHAT goes on inside his brain !

We have definitely established the man has a brain. After countless "brain" scans the doctors can see that H does indeed possess something inside his skull other than cotton fluff. It appears to be a functioning "organ" but I really do wonder.

Then this morning it hit me, H is the missing link between cave man and human being. Somewhere along the line of evolution the cave man developed a thinking process and went from eating flesh off a woolly mammoth to processing that flesh, cooking it and using a knife and a fork. I assume it was around this time that "civilized" man started wearing clothes and peeing in a toilet.

Having a husband who seems to be having trouble with all of the above " Civilized" actions I have come to the conclusion that he is indeed the missing link. Seeing how I need an explanation for H's recent bizarre behavior MISSING LINK is as reasonable as any other explanation. THINKING is a key word here. I fail to see any attempt on H's part to separate necessity from frivle. (That which is NOT necessary. This includes sitting in front of Fox News and picking ones nose. Both of which H can do simultaneously to an expert degree.) Necessity includes feeding ones' self, peeing IN a toilet and dressing in CLEAN, dry clothes. We could include shaving every so often so that one does not look like Santa on a binge and brushing teeth at least ONCE a day. (I would prefer both those actions be taken a lot more often but I'll take what I can get!)

And then there is the whole eating thing. I made a chicken roast yesterday that I had bought at Sam's club.  One of those wonderful pre-cooked things that just take minutes to heat.  It was chicken stuffed with artichoke hearts, spinach and cheese.  It was delicious! True to form Husband asked 

"What's in this" and true to form I didn't quite lie, I just omitted mentioning the artichoke hearts. Heaven forbid H should eat anything healthy. It wasn't until one of the kids mentioned artichoke hearts that H did a double take and a good look at his plate. Up to that point he was quite happy eating what was in front of him. He did not mention any odd tastes or textures and was actually enjoying his dinner.   His plate was nearly empty when the horrific word ARTICHOKE was mentioned. At that point H completely stopped eating and refused another bite.

SERIOUSLY ??????  

The man is a neanderthal and I have the "pleasure" of living with him.  Now I know why cave women looked as bad as they did and would travel miles and miles ALONE on the pretense of gathering berries.  I'd rather chance the attack of a rabid saber tooth tiger than put up with this shit !  

WHAT IS THIS GOOEY MESS ? REALLY ?

I'm talking here SALT WATER TAFFY . . .  Who invented this disgusting stuff ?  And WHY ?

I know there is a dentist behind this invention.  Hell, lets make something that will pull out all existing fillings and remain stuck to the teeth long after a person is finished eating it.  Actually, you are never finished with taffy because it stays stuck on and in and between your teeth for months after so you are continuously finding small pieces to chew on long after the initial ingestion.  And those pieces you don't find remain there creating a lovely nesting place for plaque and germs to make new cavities for you.  It's a gold mine for dentists.

And if it wasn't a dentist who created this goo who the hell was the inventor ? I would like to smack him up side his head with a wad of week old taffy.

Every souvenir shop and gift shop in the world sells this stuff.  Thousands of miles from the sea you find SALT WATER taffy. Is someone shipping in gallons of salt water in order to make this stuff?  And who the hell BUYS it ? Have you EVER found a person who says, "OOOOH, SALT WATER TAFFY! I LOVE THAT STUFF MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF!"   NO!  I don't think so.  Are the "Taffy-a-holics" like chocoholics ?  NO, Again, I don't think so.  The stuffy is just plain NASTY!  And what about the fact that it comes in "flavors" ?  Sorry to tell you but to me the chocolate tastes like the coffee which tastes like the strawberry. Nasty is Nasty no matter what label you put on the wrapper.

Heaven forbid you don't eat the gunk immediately because once the box is opened the air starts to harden those little tidbits of goo. The longer it remains in the box the stickier and harder it gets.  But before it hardens it goes through the SOFT and gooey stage so that when you try to unwrap the stuff it sticks to the paper, your fingers, your hair, your clothes and all furniture within a 20 foot radius.
If you think giving peanut butter to your dog is hilarious try giving taffy to a toddler.  Best entertainment EVER !

Can you tell I don't like taffy ?  Never did, never will.   Give me some good old fashioned chocolate any day and keep the taffy for sticking photos on your fridge or plugging up holes in cement.

This blog was inspired by my recent trip to MD. The airports ALL sell adorable containers of taffy.  I have never seen anyone buy any but there they are on display. I chuckled to myself when I arrived home to find that Ger's brother had brought Ger a box of SALT WATER TAFFY !  It figures that Husband actually likes this stuff.  Just what he needs !

WORDS OF WISDOM OR NOT

Hey Children of mine . . .  here's a few things I want to share with you, just in case you haven't figured it out for yourselves yet.
The is NO "ME" in marriage. And there is even less "ME" once you have children.  From the minute you said, "I DO" you gave up every ounce of self and became WE, US, TWO, A TEAM, PARTNERS, etc.
Every so often you get the illusion of SELF but that's all it is, an illusion.  No matter what time you make to "Do YOUR thing" you never really are alone.  There is always that other person at home who is going to ask how your day was, did you have a  good time, what did you do today, where were you ???????  You are answering to someone ALL the time. Remember those college days when you were out till dawn and no one cared? That was real freedom, even though you had to make it to that damn 8AM class you still didn't have to answer to anyone.
All the "care" and "concern" from your spouse come under the heading of "LOVE" but it is really just having to share your life with someone else.  That is a good thing at times but it wears pretty thin as the years go by.
And if you haven't given up enough of yourself you then go and have children! Children are AWESOME, don't get me wrong but you now have NO CHANCE of being a person. Once you have a child your life is not your own EVER !  Those long hot baths . . .  GONE !  Talking on the phone to your BFF, NOT HAPPENING !! (This is a tricky one, especially with our wonderful i phones that can go any where with us but are you really telling me that you are enjoying that conversation while driving 2 screaming kids to the park?)  If you answered YES to that question you are doing something really really wrong because once you have children THE KIDS COME FIRST !  ( We are like mommy lions who will kill and eat anyone who gets between us and our child. If someone gets between me and my husband I will probably push him toward them but the kids are a different story. )
I Love when I hear this next generation talking about getting some "TOGETHER" time.  Time away from the children, time to yourselves. NOT !  That is not part of the parent package.  Have Kids, Give up your life.  Yea it sucks but that's the way it works.  These kids don't raise themselves. They don't learn responsibility, morals, good judgement and leadership by themselves. They need you there 24/7 whether you like it or not.  Maybe you will get to go out to dinner once a month, maybe even a movie but for the most part the minute you got pregnant you signed on for the long haul.
AND IT IS A LONG LONG LONG LONG HAUL !    No more ME, just US . . .

And some day when the kids are all grown and raising families of their own and trying to get some "ME" time you can laugh and tell them how tough it really is but how very worth their while if they do it right. There's plenty of time for ME when you die, right now you have a job to do so do it to the very best of your ability.  I did and I am proud of all of you !  Now it's your turn.