TROUBLE SAYING GOOD-BYE ?

There is NO ONE who has more trouble than me when it comes to saying "Good-Bye". Just ask my kids, grand kids, friends, or the lady at the grocery store. I can NOT say good-bye with out crying and creating some sort of a scene! It has been this way for as long as I can remember except when it came to my parents. I vividly remember,(and the story was repeatedly told over the years), that when I went to kindergarten at just 4 years and 4 months old I told my mother she could, "Go now", and that was that! (Although as the years went on I did become the clinging only child that would never sleep over at friends houses and was "home sick" for the first year at college.)  All that being said I still cry when ever I say good-bye to ANY ONE when I am leaving them for more than a week or two or a distance of more than 100 miles.  I have managed to mask the tears behind dark glasses but be assured THEY ARE THERE dripping down my face and catching in my throat.
Abby and Kaelin are now so in tune to this that they stare at me to watch for the moment when grand ma is going to "lose" it so that they too can let loose with their own waterfall of grief until we meet again. We know we are going to be together again but we just don't want the fun to end and so we are upset at having to let go of each other and all the love and hugs and physical affection that we share when we are together.

That being said . . .

WHY do we have such a hard time saying the BIG GOOD-BYE when, even though we are leaving all this love down here on Earth with all these wonderful people we love so dearly, we are going to some place where we are loved beyond our imagination?  I guess maybe I just answered my own question. Because we just can't imagine how much God loves us. We know the love of our families and friends but the LOVE OF GOD is . . .  well, when you think about it. We really do know how much GOD loves us if we just take the time to look at our family and friends.  They wouldn't be them without God. We wouldn't be us without God. We wouldn't be here without God.  We wouldn't have gotten to this point of our lives without God. We wouldn't have the people in our lives without God. We wouldn't have the Peace and love and wisdom without God. All that we have has been a gift from God. I guess GOD loves us A LOT to have blessed us so very much so why shouldn't we be overjoyed to be called to his side. You just have to open your mind to the possibilities of what is in store for you. And to look at all you have already been blessed with.  It can only get better and better.

Which some days I find impossible to imagine !

P.S.  

I feel an explanation is called for. A friend from Florida and NY recently lost her husband to Pancreatic cancer.   It was very sudden and very fast.  She is a lovely lady and a very strong Catholic who knows that God has a plan and is accepting of that plan.  She and Tom are in my thoughts as I write this. If you would say a prayer for her and her husband I know she would appreciate the blessings.  I know God is taking good care of both of them.

IT'S BEEN FIVE WEEKS ?????

Boy, does time fly when you're having fun!  I just checked in on my blog and it HAS been 5 weeks since I last wrote anything.  Not that I haven't thought of writing a hundred times over but I haven't been near my computer or iPad and trying to write on my phone is IMPOSSIBLE. Dictating a blog is impossible because of spell check . . .  my "NEW YAWK" throws spell check into a tizzy and comes up with some real whoppers for translations. And so I have put the thoughts aside and promptly forgotten every single one of them. I do know I had some real good thinks along the way that I was enjoying writing in my head but sorry to say they are long gone. You just never know what may pop back in to the void between my ears and now that I have returned to home base and command central I'm more likely to sit down and write when something pops into my brain. Like the thought that I had while in the kitchen just ten minutes ago.  Too bad I took all that time writing this previous paragraph and forgot what I was going to write about !

Oh Yea . . .  I remember now,  Just walked back into the kitchen and it came to me !  So . . . .  I'm back from the FANTASTIC AND FABULOUS FIFTY TWO day trek across the country and I had a BLAST !!!!!!  Thank you one and all who contributed to the on going party from Maine to Alaska. Alaska is one AMAZING state and I can see why people choose to move there.  I'm not sure about the whole winter thing but summer in Alaska is like no place else on earth. If it were up to me I would not have come home but that choice was not left up to me so here I am, back in my little condo with all my STUFF yet to be organized and put away. Remember, I had just moved in here 3 weeks before I left on my journey and I hadn't really gotten anything settled in or set up. I left 2 large book cases to be put together when I got home and several cardboard boxes still to be unpacked. Where anything in those boxes are going to go is still a mystery since every inch of space is filled. The ONE and only closet is filled to the brim and the drawers in the kitchen are filled to overflowing.
Project # one was to bring in my suitcase and back pack and get them UN-packed and all that stuff put away. Then it is on to doing three loads of laundry and putting all that away. Now I can move on to looking at those boxes. Oh Oh, wait a minute, can't do that yet! Don't have any food in the house, got to go grocery shopping but don't have any place to put the new groceries so have to clean out the fridge and pantry to fit the new food in. Okay, now we can attack the boxes. Oops, wait a minute, I have to empty out the closet so I can put the suit case away so I can get to my bed.  Good ! Closet is straightened up so I can put the suitcase in there so now I'll work on that box in the dining room. Box # 1 has books in it so it looks like I better put together the book shelf that I bought before I went away. I get the first book shelf put together fine but book shelf # 2 is missing the little bag of hardware so I can't put that together and half the books are now laying on the floor in the middle of the room. I call the 1-800 customer service number and get a recording that I can NOT understand to save my soul so I go on line and fill out the information form and pray they will send me the necessary hardware.
At this point I decide to just stop and write a blog to say "HI!".    What's new with you ?

FINDING MY HAPPY

I don't remember the last time I was feeling angry. There were all the upsetting days of the house sale and the craziness of closing and packing and moving but the feelings of anger and hate have been a thing of the past. My stomach is no longer knotting up every fifteen minutes and I haven't had the urge to strangle anyone for at least a year and a half. I am able to breathe without counting to one hundred and eat without choking. I now drink alcohol for pleasure and not out of necessity. I seem to be finding my happy.

I am especially finding my Happy on my marathon journey across the nation this summer. No concerns for a house, no concerns for anything, just me, myself and "I" !  This may sound terrible but I am having a blast being on my own and just coming and going as I please and stopping here and there visiting with the most wonderful people in the world. So far everyone has been terribly gracious and I am sure they are all very happy to see me leave but while I am with them they are charming. I am giving serious thought to selling all my furniture and buying a small mobile home and just traveling the country side for the rest of my life. I could visit anyone I want, find a camp site near by, stay till they got sick of me or vice versa and then move on.  When I needed my space I could settle some where and just stay till I wanted to be around familiar faces then pack up and move on to go stay with whom ever would have me. Membership in the AAA would be cheaper than rent and gas would be cheaper than my electric bill.  It is something to consider. And I sure am happy when I travel !

When I was in Boston last week with Aunt Sue and Uncle Joseph, Sue told me I had found my "pretty" again. That was the biggest compliment she could have given me. All those days when I looked in the mirror and saw that haggard old face staring back at me, wondering when I had become my mother and aged 70 years. Wondering what had happened to my life?  How had I lost all the fun and happiness of life when I really wasn't ready to give in to the death of my youthfulness ? Life had beaten me down. I was dead inside and my body reflected that. My soul felt dead, my heart was weighed down with sorrow and pain and I did not have the energy or desire to do anything about that.
My body was fat and my brain was dead and everything hurt !  My knees needed replacing because they were filled with arthritis and hurt like hell.  And so I lost some weight . . . and that was the beginning of the turn around and the beginning of finding my happy.

Today I look in the mirror at my best friends house in New York and I see a totally different person from that old lady who stared back at me 18 months ago. I feel younger, I look younger and I think I AM younger.  All because I am finding my happy thanks to the wonderful people who have been in my life and the new people entering my life and the changes I have made in my life. Thanks be to GOD!

THE MAINE REASON

Greetings from the state of Maine ! Best place in the country to be in the middle of summer. I used to hear stories about the black flies in Maine being terrible in the summer months and perhaps that is so if I were in the back woods of Maine hunting moose but considering I am sitting overlooking beautiful Lake Sebago with a wonderful ice cold Vodka tonic with fresh lime, munching on some deliciousness cheese and crackers, laughing and reminiscing with old friends, I'd say this is the best state in the union to spend time in the month of August. It has become very obvious over the years that as much as I do love Florida in the summer it IS a damn freaking inferno !  Hotter than hell on fire. And this summer got started way too early and was about ten degrees hotter than a normal. Thanks to this I was more than happy to escape my adopted home and travel north to the cooler climes. It is BEAUTIFUL here. A huge part of that beauty has to do with the people I am with. Glo and John are my oldest and dearest friends in the whole wide world and I could spend the rest of my life in the company of these two angels. A quick example of the type of folks they are ; John owned a steel fitting company here in Maine and for several years the company was  really hurting for work. John kept the company going by paying his workers from his own funds and working without taking a salary himself until they got some large jobs from the state to get the company back on its feet.  The company has since been sold and John has retired due to health issues after almost dying from a heart attack a couple of years ago. These are GOOD people who I love !  Glo has been a friend since I was 12 and we will be friends till the day I die.  We go for years and years without seeing each other and then just pick up where we left off. Gerry and John hit it off famously when Glo and I brought them into our friendship and Ger is greatly missed in the foursome. To take his place his sister Ann Marie has started traveling to Maine with me and has become part of the Maine reason for having so much fun up here. Some times I think Glo enjoys seeing Ann Marie more than she enjoys my visit but since I have known her so long I'm willing to share a little.

This trip to Maine we have been blessed to share our visit with Glo and John's grand sons, Nolan, Emmett and Orion. This has been Nolans birthday week so it's been an ongoing celebration, starting last weekend and continuing through the week. We arrived on Sunday after their weekend celebration on the island only to have a party at Glo's house on Monday when it was the actual day of the birthday! There were presents, cake AND ice cream along with a yummy bar-b-que and swimming in the pool. ( Yes, people in Maine actually do have in-the -ground pools for that one week of summer that they experience!)  There were also vodka tonics and more cheese and crackers and always lots of
laughs with Rob and Erika, the parents of the birthday boy and his brother Emmett and Jenna and
Lew the parents of cousin Orion. The little guys were a riot and spent the entire evening in the pool playing while the grown ups ate and drank. It was WONDERFUL !  Nolan was turning 6 years old, brother Emmet is 4 and Orion is 5 so the boys are all well matched and get along just great. It is so much fun watching them play together with not a single argument or fight. It is such a compliment to their parents and grand parents and a reflection of what good people this family is.
Tuesday we packed up the car and headed to "THE ISLAND" as Fry Island is fondly referred to. Years ago John and Glo found this property, fell in love with it and eventually bought it and built a beautiful home overlooking the lake. This place is more than magnificent. It is warm and welcoming and built to be filled with family and friends. How Gloria does it is beyond me. There is a parade of people coming through here every weekend with Glo hosting them all. She has BIG RED the cooler that gets filled with the contents of the fridge in Portland, transported in the car to the fridge on the island and then reverse the trip a few days later when she has to return to Portland to go to work. She is the best realtor in the state of Maine and has a following of happy home owners to prove it.
Tomorrow we will return to Portland to repack our bags in preparation for out slow drift back to Long Island on Sunday after a sojourn in Boston to see Aunt Sue and Uncle Joe for 2 days.
I have no idea when I'll see Glo and John again but I do know that when ever it is we will just pick up where we left off laughing and joking. I think I am always at my happiest when I am with Gloria. She brings out the child in me and reminds me that life is too short to be angry or sad. Gloria is my HAPPY PLACE in life and I will always treasure my moments with her no matter how few or how short they are. I love that she found John who is the perfect partner for her and that between them they have produced this amazing family of children and grand children whom they are always so willing to share with me and my family. I can't think of a greater gift than to have been included in their lives all these years.
Thank you Glo for your love and friendship. You are the reason I love Maine.

I THINK I LOST MY FACE

I'm back in New York visiting family and friends and I have been meeting people whom I haven't seen in at least 10 or 20 years. ALL of these old friends and aquatintences have looked at me with totally blank stares when I have approached them with open arms calling out their names. Their looks have reflected the thoughts of alarm bells going off when a mental patient in a straight jacket comes running toward you screaming, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!".  Not one of these folks has recognized me and even when I say my name there is the three second hesitation before the name registers and slides into the proper slot that can equate to the face that they are staring at.
It's like they can't quite believe that the old Cathie Lawlor that they knew, oh so long ago, could possibly have turned into this person who is now standing before them. And from the looks on their faces I take it this is NOT a good thing.

I realize we all age. That is to be expected. We get heavier, our hair turns grey, our face gets wrinkles, our skin sags, we get shorter, we begin to wear glasses, we get a double,triple, quadruple chin that droops to our chest and our chest droops to our waist.  Our butt drops to our caves and our caves droop to our ankles. After all this shifting its a wonder we can recognize ourselves. But when I look in the mirror it's still me that I see so how come I look so different to all these folks?

Is it the color of the hair?  My hair was always blonde. Now it's grey. Is grey so different from blonde? It's still in the same color family of non dark, ash shade.  It's not like I went from red or black to white. So that can't be the big difference. I always used to wear sunglasses so the fact that I wear regular glasses can't be that different so that can't be what the big difference. I weigh about the same as I did when I left here all those years ago so that can't be it?  How come no one recognizes me ???

I guess it just must be that in all these years that I have been gone everyone here in New York has been getting older and their eyesight has been getting worse so when I came back they just don't see as well and I look so different to them. That's just got to be the answer! I can't imagine any other explanation for it.

BEFORE THINGS GET CRAZY ?

Silly cousin Ann.  But you did get me to blog tonight so I thank you for that ! My Jiminy Cricket conscience of blogging called tonight to catch up and reminded me I hadn't blogged in a while. I tried the excuse of being too busy but she called my bluff on that old excuse so here I am. Should I be unpacking those last 4 remaining boxes of "stuff" that sit in my little dining space? Probably. Would I rather be snuggled on the couch with a box of tissues watching another heart throbbing adventure of "OUTLANDER"? You bet your bottom !! Do I have to be packing my suitcase to get ready for my epic journey across the country for the next 52 days? ABSOLUTELY !!!!!!!!  But I really would rather share with you the nonsense that is in my head. So here goes and more the pity that you are here reading this. . . .

Cousin Ann's phone call came tonight, as she put it, "Before things got CRAZY".  This is actually a quote from someone in my family who has known me for over 67 years and she still has not realized that CRAZY is a constant state for me to be in.  Crazy is where I dwell. It isn't some place that I visit occasionally when things get particularly out of control. Rather it is my comfort zone of reality where I find myself living 24/7. I came to this conclusion a long time ago when it seemed that everyone else around me seemed to be INSANE!  Just one of those things when one day you look around you and decide that everyone is nuts! That the world has gone to Hell in a hand basket and everyone has totally and completely lost their minds.  And then you realize that if your only option is that the entire world is crazy or perhaps maybe it's just you that's nuts you accept the fact that it must just be you.
so with that established things can not GET crazy when they already ARE crazy.  That being said, It sure has been crazy around here !  Last week I had a friend from out of town visiting for the week. We ran around every day for 6 days going here and there visiting friends and taking a short cruise to Freeport in the Bahamas. Now I'm back and am packing for the marathon journey consisting of two weddings, visiting multiple friends and family, some babysitting and much sight seeing. And hopefully all this is to be done before things get crazy.

But if we really stop and think about that phrase I am afraid it is way too late for us all. I know my crazy ship has sailed long ago but just stop and take a long hard look around folks. It's 2016 . . . It's a presidential election year and all we have to look forward to is Hillary Clinton OR Donald Trump.
                   
      SORRY FOLKS    THE CRAZY SHIP HAS LEFT THE PORT AND IS SINKING FAST    !

TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT PACKING TO MOVE

# 10    BUBBLE WRAP

# 9      FINDING THINGS THAT YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IN YEARS/DECADES

#  8     PLAYING WITH OLD TOYS

#  7     EATING FOOD THAT YOU FIND

#  6     TRYING ON OLD CLOTHES THAT YOU FORGOT YOU HAD

#  5     LAUGHING AT OLD PHOTOGRAPHS

#  4     FINALLY THROWING OUT THAT UGLY DISH YOU GOT FOR YOUR WEDDING

#  3     REMEMBERING WHEN YOUR KIDS WERE THAT LITTLE

#  2     WISHING YOU HAD KEPT ALL THOSE STAR WARS FIGURES AND BARBIES IN                          THEIR ORIGINAL BOXES

     AND THE NUMBER ONE TOP TEN GOOD THING ABOUT PACKING TO MOVE IS

                    KNOWING THAT I WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER

                                                           DO THIS AGAIN !!!!!


The next time I move it will be in a wooden box with 6 handsome gentlemen carrying me into a church for my funeral mass !  AMEN !