Im walking a very thin line these days and it probably won't take much to push me right over the ledge and go postal. My Nurbs (as one of Ger's students called them oh so many years ago) are SHOT ! The slightest push and I will erupt like Veseuvius on an hot summer day. Why people can't see this is beyond me. I feel like my body is wound tighter than a clock spring and it is costing me every ounce of energy to hold myself together.
As a result of this heightened state of Nurbs I am moving slower, breathing deeper and trying very had to put myself in the "Other guys shoes". I understand not everyone is "Having difficulties" but stupidity and ignorance are still tough to tolerate.
Brought Husband to the cancer center today for some 2 hours of hydration. Husband is a MESS today. Brain function low, body function even lower. We were up a 5 again this morning deciding where we were going and why we HAD to get up. H was completely soaked which meant changing him completely and changing the bed pads. That must have exhausted him because he wanted to go back to bed once he was dry. Got up at 9 and had to be out of the houses by 10:30. Not easy to do but We were pretty close to on time. Once we got to the cancer institute I realized the place was packed and all our usual handicapped spots were taken. There was a pick up truck in front of us pulled to a stop to let a woman JUMP, (literally) out and run into the building. I waited calmly for them to start moving and then watched in complete anger as they pulled into the last open handicapped parking spot. And there they SAT ! Two people in the truck, neither one moving to get out and the other passenger already in the building. I now have to park at the other end of the lot, haul out the wheel chair and maneuver H into the chair and across the lot. I was livid. I swore and cursed and envisioned running over to the pick up, pulling open the car door and dragging the driver out and onto the ground where I would smash their stupid heads against the cement. HOW DARE THEY PARK IN MY HANDICAPPED SPOT !
I did none of the above but I really really wanted to. It is only going to be a matter of time before I loose it on some poor unsuspecting slob. I apologize now for my imminent behavior. I can feel it building. There is nothing I can do to avoid this other than taking a bottle of happy pills and locking myself into a closet for the duration of this Cancer battle.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
TODAYS FRACTURED PHRASE
"How did 'IT' go ?" By "IT" do you mean how did chemo go? Or did you mean how did getting Ger to and from chemo go? Or perhaps you meant how was the 6 hours of sitting in the chemo room go, including the three trips to the bathroom with G in a wheel chair only to have to wash him down anyway and borrow pants from radiology? Or maybe you mean . . .
Let's just say IT is NOT going well ! IT pretty much is horrible. IT is HELL !
Not to say I want you to stop asking but do not expect that generic answer of, "Good". I don't have the energy to lie or the social grace to be polite. Right about now I am hanging by my toe nails just trying to not scream.
Husbands brain is so muddled these days. It's been going on for a while but some days are much much worse than others. The whole bathroom thing is putting me over the edge. How can you not know . . . I just don't know. It's part of life these days and this too will pass.
So, to answer your question, "How did IT go?" Don't know, don't care, just trying to stay alive here. Don't ask and I won't tell . But if you find me slowly turning purple in the face and grabbing the nearest chair leg with which to bludgeon you to death just turn and run, please.
Let's just say IT is NOT going well ! IT pretty much is horrible. IT is HELL !
Not to say I want you to stop asking but do not expect that generic answer of, "Good". I don't have the energy to lie or the social grace to be polite. Right about now I am hanging by my toe nails just trying to not scream.
Husbands brain is so muddled these days. It's been going on for a while but some days are much much worse than others. The whole bathroom thing is putting me over the edge. How can you not know . . . I just don't know. It's part of life these days and this too will pass.
So, to answer your question, "How did IT go?" Don't know, don't care, just trying to stay alive here. Don't ask and I won't tell . But if you find me slowly turning purple in the face and grabbing the nearest chair leg with which to bludgeon you to death just turn and run, please.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
"SOME DIFFICULTIES" . . ..
I got an email today from a friend who was sorry to hear we were having "some difficulties" in our cancer battle. SOME DIFFICULTIES ! SOME DIFFICULTIES ? SOME DIFFICULTIES !!!!!!!!
No, I am freaking loosing my mind here as I watch my husband slowly dying before my eyes ! Oh, does that sound melodramatic? So sorry but I do think it is a bit more than having, "some difficulties".
I can't fault this person because I know they have battled the BIG "C" for a long long time now and come as close to death as you would care to so I get that they can see this cancer shit for what it is; An Annoyance, a difficulty, a bump in the road. But this is MY cancer experience and no one should be able to think of anything else but the fact that Ger has lung cancer and it is consuming our lives. No one has the right to think about anything else from morning to night and then all night every night every time you wake up. It has to be first and foremost in your lives just like it is in mine. You have to be in physical pain trying to lift and move this man from bed to wheel chair. You have to know what it is like to be in my shoes. And guess what? . . . IT ISN'T ABOUT ME !
Ger is riding this out with his normal stoic style. No discussion, no complaint, no questions. Just as long as I get him food and water, in and out of bed he seems to be fine with all this. He really doesn't seem to care that he is having "some difficulties". Which personally pisses me off big time. I mean, really? What the hell is that all about ? Sure, let the wife have the entire worry on her shoulders. So now I have mental pain along with the physical pain. Boy this is really messed up and I keep making it about me !
Just saying !
No, I am freaking loosing my mind here as I watch my husband slowly dying before my eyes ! Oh, does that sound melodramatic? So sorry but I do think it is a bit more than having, "some difficulties".
I can't fault this person because I know they have battled the BIG "C" for a long long time now and come as close to death as you would care to so I get that they can see this cancer shit for what it is; An Annoyance, a difficulty, a bump in the road. But this is MY cancer experience and no one should be able to think of anything else but the fact that Ger has lung cancer and it is consuming our lives. No one has the right to think about anything else from morning to night and then all night every night every time you wake up. It has to be first and foremost in your lives just like it is in mine. You have to be in physical pain trying to lift and move this man from bed to wheel chair. You have to know what it is like to be in my shoes. And guess what? . . . IT ISN'T ABOUT ME !
Ger is riding this out with his normal stoic style. No discussion, no complaint, no questions. Just as long as I get him food and water, in and out of bed he seems to be fine with all this. He really doesn't seem to care that he is having "some difficulties". Which personally pisses me off big time. I mean, really? What the hell is that all about ? Sure, let the wife have the entire worry on her shoulders. So now I have mental pain along with the physical pain. Boy this is really messed up and I keep making it about me !
Just saying !
Monday, January 12, 2015
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK !
Hello? Is that you Death, knocking on my door ? You know this isn't a good time for us. We just had these twins join our family and we really would like them to get to know their grand pa. And then there's the other grand kids who really haven't had time to spend with the old boy, we would like some more time. How about you come back in, oh say, ten years, maybe like a Tuesday, around 3 AM. ? Hum? Could we work that out ?
It just don't work that way, does it? We just never know when it's our turn. As we're going along worrying about paying the bills, getting the car washed, cooking dinner were not thinking that maybe, just maybe this could be the last time we do this. Death just doesn't exist for us until a close friend or relative dies. Then it's first and foremost in our lives until we have to move on to paying our taxes, painting the house, fixing that leak in the toilet. But one of the days it will become your life, your reality, your every waking thought. One day it's you who is "A guy someone knows who has lung cancer . . . " and people are sad, and they talk about it and they wonder what it's like to know you are dying but they will never know until it's their turn. Some of us may be spared this experience when that bus hits us as we step off the curb or we develop dementia and no longer think about things like death. Some of us won't have time to ponder and wonder but the rest of us will take a long road wandering through all sorts of thoughts and emotions. But no matter what the process is you can be sure you WILL get to experience this particular journey. There's no way out of this one folks so you might as well make the best of it. I figure we have 3 choices, run, fight, accept. Pick what ever works for you but the end result is going to be the same no matter how you handle it.
And then we have Ger! I have no idea what is going on inside his head. Maybe chemo brain has fried enough brain cells that he is just living day to day not really thinking anything. That would be my guess. There is no discussion, no questions, no upset, just eating and sleeping, living the life he has left. He probably figures his idiot wife will do enough examining, questioning, analyzing to take care of both of us. I do suppose this is a lot easier than if I were married to a lunatic who ran around the house screaming, "I don't want to die!" But it would be nice to have some discussion on the topic.
What ever, it's his show and I'm just hanging around to make it as easy as possible. I've spent enough years pissing and moaning about I this man, the least I can do is let hm die in peace.
It just don't work that way, does it? We just never know when it's our turn. As we're going along worrying about paying the bills, getting the car washed, cooking dinner were not thinking that maybe, just maybe this could be the last time we do this. Death just doesn't exist for us until a close friend or relative dies. Then it's first and foremost in our lives until we have to move on to paying our taxes, painting the house, fixing that leak in the toilet. But one of the days it will become your life, your reality, your every waking thought. One day it's you who is "A guy someone knows who has lung cancer . . . " and people are sad, and they talk about it and they wonder what it's like to know you are dying but they will never know until it's their turn. Some of us may be spared this experience when that bus hits us as we step off the curb or we develop dementia and no longer think about things like death. Some of us won't have time to ponder and wonder but the rest of us will take a long road wandering through all sorts of thoughts and emotions. But no matter what the process is you can be sure you WILL get to experience this particular journey. There's no way out of this one folks so you might as well make the best of it. I figure we have 3 choices, run, fight, accept. Pick what ever works for you but the end result is going to be the same no matter how you handle it.
And then we have Ger! I have no idea what is going on inside his head. Maybe chemo brain has fried enough brain cells that he is just living day to day not really thinking anything. That would be my guess. There is no discussion, no questions, no upset, just eating and sleeping, living the life he has left. He probably figures his idiot wife will do enough examining, questioning, analyzing to take care of both of us. I do suppose this is a lot easier than if I were married to a lunatic who ran around the house screaming, "I don't want to die!" But it would be nice to have some discussion on the topic.
What ever, it's his show and I'm just hanging around to make it as easy as possible. I've spent enough years pissing and moaning about I this man, the least I can do is let hm die in peace.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
BOING ! BOING ! BOING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Never mind "Sailing Along", "Riding The Wave", "The Roller Coaster of Life" . . . I am tethered to a Freaking Bungee Cord and am flipping between up and down faster than I can believe.
We have had occasions to go to Disney in Orlando and would often find ourselves riding along rt. 192 which is the Coney Island of the Orlando area. Souvenir shops galore, carnival rides and attractions and junk food to feed the masses. We once stayed at a Ho Jo in that area and just next door was this GOD awful Bungee ride. People would pay big bucks to sit in a sling like chair that when released would shoot up toward the heavens only to free fall back down and then be yanked back up and fall back down and pulled back up and crash back down. THIS was considered FUN ! This thing would be going all day and all night. There were that many people actually enjoying this.
I am now riding my very own bungee. HOLY CRAP ! It just keeps getting more and more interesting every day ! One minute I am looking at Husband and thinking, "Wow, he looks really good today!" and the next minute I am in the closet picking out clothes to bury him in. No joke, it changes that fast. There is NO planning ahead because any thing beyond the here and now is a crap shoot. When I think he will be fine to go to get his PET scan done he suddenly looses every ounce of body mass and strength. I have to practically hold him up to get from wheel chair to car. Then we get to the doctor's office and I am planning in my head just how I am going to manage this next step Husband whips open the car door and starts climbing out ! I often find myself standing there shaking my head wondering WTF ? Is it some chemical in his body that kicks off and on ? Is it sugar highs? Sugar lows ? Potassium ? Electrolytes ? Fluids? My head is spinning ! BOING BOING BOING !!!
But the BEST part is, I have help ! That old cliche, LET GO - LET GOD, rings in my head constantly. I am totally into not getting excited, not trying to fix, not trying to do. I KNOW GOD has my back. I talk daily with my wonderful Guardian Angel and he is doing right by me. No matter what is going on these days I am at peace with it. We are taking things second to second and life is good. When that bungee is crashing down toward the bottom I just grab some angel wings and know that I'm in good hands and the bungee will rise back up given time. Faith is a powerful thing for me. I have my moments where I am a blubbering mass of snot and tears but that's cleansing and gives me the power to keep going cause I know I'm in good hands. As for the bungee, I will never say I like this ride. It is a bitch and a half but once your on the damn thing you just settle in and ride it out. That's where we are at and that's where we will be for as long as this ride keeps going.
We have had occasions to go to Disney in Orlando and would often find ourselves riding along rt. 192 which is the Coney Island of the Orlando area. Souvenir shops galore, carnival rides and attractions and junk food to feed the masses. We once stayed at a Ho Jo in that area and just next door was this GOD awful Bungee ride. People would pay big bucks to sit in a sling like chair that when released would shoot up toward the heavens only to free fall back down and then be yanked back up and fall back down and pulled back up and crash back down. THIS was considered FUN ! This thing would be going all day and all night. There were that many people actually enjoying this.
I am now riding my very own bungee. HOLY CRAP ! It just keeps getting more and more interesting every day ! One minute I am looking at Husband and thinking, "Wow, he looks really good today!" and the next minute I am in the closet picking out clothes to bury him in. No joke, it changes that fast. There is NO planning ahead because any thing beyond the here and now is a crap shoot. When I think he will be fine to go to get his PET scan done he suddenly looses every ounce of body mass and strength. I have to practically hold him up to get from wheel chair to car. Then we get to the doctor's office and I am planning in my head just how I am going to manage this next step Husband whips open the car door and starts climbing out ! I often find myself standing there shaking my head wondering WTF ? Is it some chemical in his body that kicks off and on ? Is it sugar highs? Sugar lows ? Potassium ? Electrolytes ? Fluids? My head is spinning ! BOING BOING BOING !!!
But the BEST part is, I have help ! That old cliche, LET GO - LET GOD, rings in my head constantly. I am totally into not getting excited, not trying to fix, not trying to do. I KNOW GOD has my back. I talk daily with my wonderful Guardian Angel and he is doing right by me. No matter what is going on these days I am at peace with it. We are taking things second to second and life is good. When that bungee is crashing down toward the bottom I just grab some angel wings and know that I'm in good hands and the bungee will rise back up given time. Faith is a powerful thing for me. I have my moments where I am a blubbering mass of snot and tears but that's cleansing and gives me the power to keep going cause I know I'm in good hands. As for the bungee, I will never say I like this ride. It is a bitch and a half but once your on the damn thing you just settle in and ride it out. That's where we are at and that's where we will be for as long as this ride keeps going.
Monday, December 29, 2014
"ITS NOT EASY GETTING OLD"
A direct quote from my dearly departed mother in law . . . "It's not easy getting old". . . To which we would always answer, "it's better than the alternative". Guess what? That is not always the case! That smug, smart-ass remark is not true at all. Dear GOD in Heaven, I don't want to end up like these poor souls here in Chatsworth.
Chatsworth, that's where Ger is residing these days. Three meals a day, a clean bed to sleep in, physical therapy twice a day, all your medicines brought to you so you don't miss a pill, what more could you want?
FREEDOM! The ability to walk, the power to go where you want when you want, the dignity of going to the bathroom ALONE, of showering when you want ALONE, and the removal of pain so you can walk and talk without a care.
All that comes with getting OLD.
These poor souls residing here in the beautiful facility have got to wonder how this happened to them. One minute they were young and vibrant, full of life and suddenly they can't get out of the wheel chair they find themselves in. Why won't their hands stop shaking? Why can't they remember where they are or even who they are? Why is it that when they tell someone they have to go to the bathroom no one comes to their aid? Why do they need help to go to the bathroom? How did they get here? AND WHERE THE HELL IS "HERE" ?
I am up and down these halls all day, getting things for Ger, taking him to and from whatever and there are always little old people sitting in their wheel chairs in the hall ways. They light up when I stop to talk with them. All they want is to be SEEN ! For someone to acknowledge that they do indeed still exist. It must be so horrible to be "alive" but "invisible" to the world. Every day exactly the same as the day before. Friends are all dead, family lives too far away and even if they did live close the aren't with you all the time. They can't be, they are YOUNG and have lives. They will never be old, of course not. Who of us ever thought we would be old, sitting alone, wondering where our life went? How does this happen? I just keep asking myself that question over and over and there is no answer. One minute we were young and the next we are old. OLD, OLD OLD !
Not just the sort of grey hair and wrinkles old, this is the old that precedes death and dying. For sure that is not something we like to think about. Suddenly YOU are THAT person everyone is talking about . . . You know, that guy whose name is said in hushed tones because HE may be dying. "The poor guy has lung cancer", "She fell and that was the beginning of the end for her", "But he is so young" or "well, he had a good long life". We've all said something like that about that other person but never thought someone would be saying it about us. We all think we are just going to go to sleep some night and not wake up but it doesn't work that way. Getting old and dying is HARD work ! Hell, just the getting old part is tough shit. My Body doesn't do what I want it to do when I want it. It has a mind of its own and that mind is insane!
Grandma Rita was right, "It's not easy getting old."
Chatsworth, that's where Ger is residing these days. Three meals a day, a clean bed to sleep in, physical therapy twice a day, all your medicines brought to you so you don't miss a pill, what more could you want?
FREEDOM! The ability to walk, the power to go where you want when you want, the dignity of going to the bathroom ALONE, of showering when you want ALONE, and the removal of pain so you can walk and talk without a care.
All that comes with getting OLD.
These poor souls residing here in the beautiful facility have got to wonder how this happened to them. One minute they were young and vibrant, full of life and suddenly they can't get out of the wheel chair they find themselves in. Why won't their hands stop shaking? Why can't they remember where they are or even who they are? Why is it that when they tell someone they have to go to the bathroom no one comes to their aid? Why do they need help to go to the bathroom? How did they get here? AND WHERE THE HELL IS "HERE" ?
I am up and down these halls all day, getting things for Ger, taking him to and from whatever and there are always little old people sitting in their wheel chairs in the hall ways. They light up when I stop to talk with them. All they want is to be SEEN ! For someone to acknowledge that they do indeed still exist. It must be so horrible to be "alive" but "invisible" to the world. Every day exactly the same as the day before. Friends are all dead, family lives too far away and even if they did live close the aren't with you all the time. They can't be, they are YOUNG and have lives. They will never be old, of course not. Who of us ever thought we would be old, sitting alone, wondering where our life went? How does this happen? I just keep asking myself that question over and over and there is no answer. One minute we were young and the next we are old. OLD, OLD OLD !
Not just the sort of grey hair and wrinkles old, this is the old that precedes death and dying. For sure that is not something we like to think about. Suddenly YOU are THAT person everyone is talking about . . . You know, that guy whose name is said in hushed tones because HE may be dying. "The poor guy has lung cancer", "She fell and that was the beginning of the end for her", "But he is so young" or "well, he had a good long life". We've all said something like that about that other person but never thought someone would be saying it about us. We all think we are just going to go to sleep some night and not wake up but it doesn't work that way. Getting old and dying is HARD work ! Hell, just the getting old part is tough shit. My Body doesn't do what I want it to do when I want it. It has a mind of its own and that mind is insane!
Grandma Rita was right, "It's not easy getting old."
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
GIFTS OF ANGELS - GIFTS OF LOVE
I am reduced to a puddeling mass of tears by the words, "I LOVE YOU". Best Christmas gift ever was just given to me by my first born child. Kyle doesn't go for the warm fuzzies in life. He has an analytical mind and is not comfortable with emotions. But today he was talking to me on the phone and just ever so quietly slipped in, "I love you" as we ended the call. I am now one hot mess knowing that my boy really doe love me. Not that I ever think he doesn't love me but we don't throw those words around as easily as I do Keri and Kent. I always felt I did something wrong as a mother raising my first child. I loved him with all my heart but don't think I showed it as easily as I did with the other two kids. What ever . . . . When Kyle says I love you it is something VERY VERY special !
That is just one of the many Christmas gifts God is giving me this year. It's a different Christmas for sure being alone here in the house, spending days running back and forth to the rehab facility trying to help Ger strengthen. I am slowly learning to accept what IS and stop trying to make things "normal". Right now things are NOT normal. And that is OK. God has my back and is filling my life with so much love and strength from friends and family.
Yesterday my nephew Brian called to say he was in town with his 3 AWESOME children, could they come over? YES YES YES and the next thing my home was filled with laughter and joy, silliness and fun. BEST GIFT EVER !!!! I adore these kids who always make me feel so loved, even when they cheat at the board game we were playing. (That just adds to all the fun!) Thank you my loves for spending the evening with me!
Then there is Mary Lou who just entered my life a week or so back. We had a chair we wanted to get rid of. D-I-L Bridget took pictures, posted it on "Craig's list" and got the ball rolling. Mary Lou called and suddenly I found myself part of this wonderful woman's life and family. She brought her 2 beautiful daughters, dinner for me and a ton of delicious cookies with her to pick up the chair yesterday. Brian helped them load the chair in the car and his kids ate all the cookies ! So many laughs, so much love and Mary Lou will probably be part of my life for years to come.
God does work in mysterious ways. I see his hand in my life every minute of every day and I THANK GOD for all His love and support. I asked God to help me through this rough time and boy OH boy has HE come through with HIS love BIG TIME !!!!
That is just one of the many Christmas gifts God is giving me this year. It's a different Christmas for sure being alone here in the house, spending days running back and forth to the rehab facility trying to help Ger strengthen. I am slowly learning to accept what IS and stop trying to make things "normal". Right now things are NOT normal. And that is OK. God has my back and is filling my life with so much love and strength from friends and family.
Yesterday my nephew Brian called to say he was in town with his 3 AWESOME children, could they come over? YES YES YES and the next thing my home was filled with laughter and joy, silliness and fun. BEST GIFT EVER !!!! I adore these kids who always make me feel so loved, even when they cheat at the board game we were playing. (That just adds to all the fun!) Thank you my loves for spending the evening with me!
Then there is Mary Lou who just entered my life a week or so back. We had a chair we wanted to get rid of. D-I-L Bridget took pictures, posted it on "Craig's list" and got the ball rolling. Mary Lou called and suddenly I found myself part of this wonderful woman's life and family. She brought her 2 beautiful daughters, dinner for me and a ton of delicious cookies with her to pick up the chair yesterday. Brian helped them load the chair in the car and his kids ate all the cookies ! So many laughs, so much love and Mary Lou will probably be part of my life for years to come.
God does work in mysterious ways. I see his hand in my life every minute of every day and I THANK GOD for all His love and support. I asked God to help me through this rough time and boy OH boy has HE come through with HIS love BIG TIME !!!!
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