Z O O O O O O M

 I do like to zoom.  Zoom as in going fast in a car or on my little side-by-siide, (which can reach a top speed of about 20 miles an hour. But it seems much faster.)  I just came in from zooming around the property checking it out for the night.   Critters are fed, garbage has been taken out and the mail has been brought in.  I even took the 6 one gallon jugs of water to put on my plants out by the apple trees and in the tree stumps.  I am zooming . . . 

I planted impatiens by the wagon wheel out by the other driveway and the rabbit is really enjoying them.  But I continue to water them with hopes that the rabbit will forget they are there.  HA!   The big tree stumps have marigolds growing out of them and they look great.  We planted some marigolds there last year and they reseeded themselves.  Apparently Marigolds can live anywhere. I have proof of that with all the marigolds growing out of the foundation of the house.  And The Man wonders why we have water in the cellar.

But now I am done with MY zooming and am ready to sit and tell you about The Man's zooming. 

A couple of weeks ago The Man got an email from his military banking institution.  It told him that they were having a "Zoom" meeting on this date at 6:00 PM.  The session would be about Senior finances, investing and wills.  The Man got all excited about the seminar and signed up to be included in the session.  Meanwhile The Man does not have a working computer but he thought he could join on his phone or tablet.  I said NOTHING !   He was all happy with himself so who am I to burst his bubble.  The fact that he and I went to one of these meetings about 6 years ago and learned NOTHING that pertained to us did not enter into his mind.  We both have all our finances and investments and wills in order so why would you waste your time listening to another spiel that will undoubtedly want to sell you something ??  I have no interest in wasting 2 hours listening to someone going on about finances when I can be sitting out here under my maple tree keeping cool and writing my blog.  AND being eaten by mosquitos.  It's still cooler out here than it is in the house.  (The Man is very stingy with his Air Conditioning.)

Anyway . . .   Six O'clock arrived and The Man was ready to zoom . . .   NOT !!  I knew this would become my problem and sure enough it did.  First he didn't know what to do with the email that he got saying the zoom would begin in an hour.  (That was sent at 5:00)  He handed me the phone and waited for me to get him all set up.  Now I can do a lot on my computer but on his phone is another story.  I had no idea where to start so I just did what I always do . . .  start pushing buttons and clicking on anything and everything on the phone screen.  NOTHING !!   He is sitting right next to me watching my every move and telling me not to mess up his phone.  I asked him if he wanted the camera activated on his phone and he wanted to know why.  I explained that Zoom was a video call.  He wanted no part of that !  I did not ask why we were doing this if he wasn't going to participate in the group.  He said NOTHING!  In the end I could not figure out how to get into this mess so The Man decided he really wasn't interested in the seminar anyway and went back to watching TV.  

It is now 45 minutes since the whole debacle and I am still thinking about how to get into a zoom call on his phone.  Does he care in the least?  NO !   So why is it still in my head ?  I have decided that the entire issue came from his lousy internet connection and his cheap phone.  Whatever . . .   

G A S

There is gas and then there is GAS.  If only the two were interchangeable I would never have to fill my car with gasoline.  We really need to find a way to harness the "power" of gas emitted from all species. (Do ants have gas?)  I think of those poor cows in Scandinavia whose owners are being taxed because of the gas the cows poof into the. atmosphere.  I mean . . . REALLY . . .  You're going to tax farts ????? They better not do that to humans or I will be broke in a matter of days. 

 Maybe we have just discovered what killed the dinosaurs.  Think of all the gas being produced by the grass eating ones. I mean, those suckers were BIG !!!!!! With all that methane gas coming out of a Brontosaurus it's no wonder they all died off.  And think about T Rex's diet . . . OMG that guy didn't need to eat the other dinosaurs he just needed to let loose a few toots and the entire population with in 100 miles would be dead.  

What got me thinking about the "problems" of gas is a phone call I received at 11:30 last night.  I usually would have my phone turned off by then but we were still watching TV so I hadn't put it on silent mode yet.  When your phone rings after 10 PM you can pretty much guarantee someone is in trouble or totally drunk.  Since my kids know better than to wake their mother after ten at night and not before ten in the morning I knew all was well with them.   I honestly thought I was getting a call from Dwaynes son in Alaska. There's a four hour difference so we often get calls at crazy times if the beer is flowing.  But when I looked at the caller ID I saw that it was the assisted living place where my cousin Lu Lu is living. That could only mean one thing . . .  TROUBLE !   

At 93 I understand there are always causes for alarm. Lu has fallen several times, she has had UTI's that put her in the hospital, she has bad arthritis in her back and she no longer has any strength in her legs so she can't walk.  Her doctor says her heart is strong so she will probably outlive all of us. 

The lady on the phone was very nice and trying her best to not alarm me.  (She must be new because we have been through this drill MANY times so I do not get upset or panicky because it is usually nothing except Lu Lu wants attention.)  The nice lady went on to apologize for the late hour but because I am the contact person I get the call.  I asked what was the problem and she proceeded to explain that LU was just taken to the hospital because she had stomach and back pain.  Now I KNEW there was nothing to worry about because that is a common complaint from my cousin.  (Maybe if she stopped drinking martini's every night she might not have stomach problems.  You Think ?).   I thanked the lady for contacting me and told her I would be in touch with the hospital. She then asked me if I was "local".  I explained that I was in Michigan for the summer. She didn't like that answer because the next thing she said was, "well what do we do with Lu Lu's dog?"   (My first thought was shoot it but I didn't say that.). I suggested she call Lu Lu's aide and discuss the problem with her.  (Wasn't I smart to think of that !).  I thanked her for the call and hung up.  I texted the aide and told her what was going on and asked her to keep me up to date.  And then I went to sleep and slept like a baby. 

This morning I received a text from the aide . . . " Good morning.  Lu Lu is back at her room.  Most likely she just had gas. "

SOME BODY

 Do you have a "Somebody" living in your house ?  Somebodies are related to "It Wasn't Me" & "I Don't Know".   I believe they are first cousins but I couldn't swear to that. I have a Somebody living in my home and he/she really is getting into a lot of trouble lately. Just the other day "Somebody" wiped their face on The Man's towel and left a smear of tooth paste on it.  The Man came out of the bathroom with his towel and asked me to wash it because "Somebody" had smeared toothpaste on it.  

There are only TWO people living in this house and I KNOW I didn't do it.  I guess it must have been "Wasn't Me" who was in our bathroom brushing his teeth.  The funny thing is that The Man is completely serious when he says these things.  I have my own towel so why would I use his ?  (The idea of that nauseates me.  I wouldn't touch that towel with a ten foot pole. I use tongs to pick it up to throw it in the wash.). But Somebody did use HIS towel.  Big Mystery there!     This is only one incident in life here in MI.  A couple of days ago "Somebody" left the seat down on The Man's lawnmower.  I have NEVER ridden on his lawnmower nor will I ever ride on his lawnmower.   First and foremost is because it is HIS lawnmower and God Forbid I ever ran over something or did something wrong.  I would not want to experience his immediate reaction to that.  So the idea that I may have "left" the seat down after riding his mower is just absurd.  Who is the ONLY person to ride the mower????   Yup,  Somebody did it again.  Somebody forgets to charge his phone and then gets all pissed because it is dead.   Somebody leaves open the valve on his oxygen tanks so when he goes to use the tank it is empty.   SOMEBODY DID THAT !!!

I don't need a Somebody in my world.  If I screw up I admit it.  Like leaving the sprinkler on all night. Yes indeed . . . That was me.  OOPS !    Although to be completely honest I did not tell The Man about the small dent I put in the back bumper when I backed into a pole in a parking lot.  He has yet to notice th e dent but if he does I will definitely call upon  "Wasn't Me" and "Somebody".

The only times Somebody shows up in my life is when something appears from nowhere.  The other day I walked into the garage and there were 2 bags of corn sitting there.  I came into the house and said, "Somebody put corn in our garage."   Since I knew I didn't put it there and I also knew The Man had not put it there because he is never more than 20 feet away from me.    Turns out that Somebody was one of our neighbors who heard we were running low on corn for the deer.   I love these people up here.. 

The Man does have a dual personality though.  The he is not Somebody he becomes "Wasn't Me!" If I ask who took the tissue box outside "Wasn't me" has no idea what I'm talking about.  He honestly does not remember doing things even though I see him.  Along with that problem we have "You Never Told Me That!"   I think you never told me that is here more often than any of the others.  I am often tempted to keep the recording app open on my phone when The Man and I are talking.  I can always tell when the things we are talking about are not sticking in his brain and I will be accused of never telling him that. 

AT THE BEACH

I LOVE the beach.  Always did and always will.  As a kid my parents would take me to Jones Beach. It wasn't far from our little house in Queens. .  The state park is huge with all sorts of different parking lots to go onto different parts of the beach.  It was a big deal and an all day adventure.  Nine times out of ten I could come home burned to a crisp.  No such thing as sun block in the fifties.  Many a night I would be awake all night thanks to the sun burn.  I remember my mom coming into my room in the middle of the night with a cloth soaked in vinegar. I have no idea why vinegar takes the sting out of a sun burn but it always worked.

As I got older we would sometimes go to the North Shore of Long Island where Sunken Meadow State Park sat on the shore of Long Island Sound.  It was quite a different experience from the ocean beach in that there were no waves and you could often walk way out without being in over your head.  The beach at Sunken Meadow was sandy just like Jones Beach.  Later in my life when I moved "Out East" on the north shore of Long Island I found the beaches on the sound were not sandy but rather covered in rocks.  It was a challenge to walk from your blanket to the water and once in the water there were rocks under your feet rather than a nice sandy bottom. If we wanted to go to the ocean, which we did all the time, we drove a half hour across the island to go to Smiths Point on the Ocean or sometimes if we wanted a quieter, less crowded ocean beach we would head east to Hampton Bays to go to Cupsogue Beach. 

When it came time for retirement Husband and I naturally chose a location on the East Coast of Florida.  The Ocean Side. . . NOT the gulf side.  The ocean is our favorite. Big waves in the winter months and crystal, clear, aquamarine water in the summer. (Unfortunately the sand gets so hot that you can't walk on the beach in the summer without burning the soles of your feet.)  

Now I spend my summers in upper Michigan which is thousands of miles from the ocean. But I still get to go to the beach.  Who knew there were beaches this far north.  The Great Lakes are a good substitute for the ocean.  When I stand on the beach on the shore of Lake Michigan it looks like there is no land in sight.  The water stretches to the horizon and the sand is just as soft as our beaches in Florida.   There are chilly, windy days that we will drive out to Manistique for The Man to do his pulmonary rehab and the lake looks like the ocean, complete with big waves and white caps.  The water on those days is an angry, churned up brown color. On calm days, like today, the water is so still that it mirrors the clouds and sparkles in the sunlight. but it is still brown. 

This is iron mining country and the raw iron seeps into the streams, creaks and rivers which in turn all run into the lake.  I don't find it particularly appealing but hey, a beach is a beach.

Today while The Man was in rehab I went to a public beach just down the road from the rehab facility.  The water was still and quiet, the beach was deserted, the sun was shining and I was in my "Happy Place".  I spent 45 minutes walking the beach, collecting odd pieces of wood that are strewn across the beach. There is a paper mill just up the river so all the wood chips flow down the river and end up on this particular beach.  Instead of collecting shells I am collecting wood.  As I walk along I'll see a piece that looks like a whale. There's. one that looks like a frog and one that reminds me of a bird. It fascinates me.  

What am I going to do with all these pieces of wood ?   I have no idea.  Just like the turkey feathers I just enjoy collecting them. I have taken some of them and painted them to make them look more like what they looked like to me.  Sadly I am NOT an artist and they all look rather bazaar but Hey, Grandma Moses must have started somewhere.  But when I bring these wood chips home and see all the beautifully crafted pottery, woven rugs and beaded jewelry that The Man's wife created I have to laugh at myself. 

But it is a reason to spend part of my day in the sun shine AT THE BEACH. 

GROSE YUCK FREAKOUT

 My life is not dull.  Even when we have a day like today where the weather is CRAZY things are not dull. 

When I woke up this morning it was a BEAUTIFUL day. Sun was shining, breeze was blowing and it wasn't humid.   I crawled out of bed with all sorts of wonderful plans in my head.  I could go out and weed whack my "garden" or I could take the side by side out and drive around the property looking for turkey feather. (I am collecting the feathers with plans on making a wreath.  The feathers are all sizes and colors.). I might just go out and sit under the maple tree and read for the day.  My day was an open book. I got up and made breakfast for me and The Man and as we sat there enjoying a leisurely brunch, (because by now it was almost 11:30),  we watched the clouds starting to roll in.  I told The Man I was going to walk out to the mailbox and get yesterday's mail. Just as I was opening the back door it started to rain.  Back into the house where I found many things to occupy my time until the sun came out.  Once again I headed for the door. I actually got as far as the garage when I felt some rain drops which quickly escalated into a downpour. I ducked into the garage and watched the rain for about 5 minutes until it stopped.  The sky was still dark so I just went back into the house and got my book to go sit in the parlor for a while.  After about an hour the sun came out so I put down the book and headed out to the mailbox. I actually made it all the way there but as I was walking back to the house it started to rain AGAIN !    I came back into the house, changed out of my jeans and flannel shirt, (yes, it was THAT chilly), and into my sloppy sweat pants and shirt.  I was NOT going out again.  The Man was lying on the bed resting so I grabbed my book and joined him for about an hours worth of reading.  

By this time it was nearly dinner time for me and the critters.  Since the sun WAS out and I couldn't see any big dark clouds I took a chance to go out and walk around the yard collecting today's helping of feathers.  I have to say that our 6 turkeys have got to be going bald with all the feathers I pick up each day.  From there I got some corn for the deer and some sunflower seeds for the turkeys and sprinkled it all around in front of the barn.  If I don't get the sunflower seeds out by around 5:00 the turkeys show up and walk up and down the yard waiting.  As soon as I open the door they run for the field but then come back later.   There is nothing funnier than a turkey running.   

OK . . .Now it's time for dinner for the humans.  I had planed on making chicken parmesan but because it was so cold and nasty I decided to make soup and save the chicken for another day.  Because we had tacos for dinner last night I had a lot of seasoned chop meat leftover. What do you do with leftover taco meat?  You make taco soup of course.  Got out the crock pot, threw in some tomato sauce, beef bouillon, some kidney beans and corn and the left over meat.  When I told The Man what we were having he really didn't sound interested but once he ate some he and I both decided it was great.   And it was perfect for a chilly day.

So where. does the title of this blog come from ?   Gross . . .  Yuck . . .  Freakout   ????????

I must warn you that if you have a weak constitution or are easily grossed out you better stop reading now.

Dinner was ready and The Man and I sat down to eat.   He had a bottle of water to drink and I had a big cup of ice water with crystal lite in it.  I have a big plastic cup with a cover on it and a straw. I had washed out my cup and straw yesterday so they were still sitting in the dish drainer in the sink.  I grabbed my cup, put some ice into it and poured in some store bought water from the fridge. I added the flavoring, put in the straw and snapped shut the cover and sat down at the table.  As I was waiting for The Ma I took a big sip of my water only to feel something weird in my mouth.  ????     I couldn't figure out what it could be so I spit it out in my hand.    I was an Earwig BUG . . . alive and squirming.    As I screamed and threw it across the room The Man was staring at me like I had lost my mind.  I jumped up and stepped on the nasty little creature before it could escape. Apparently it had crawled out of somewhere and found a nice dark place INSIDE my straw.    EWWWWWWWWWWWW !

The last thing I wanted to do was to have to explain to The Man what had just happened. All I wanted to do was FORGET it ever happened.  But of course by now The Man is asking "what happened,"   "what's wrong?"  "what are you doing?".   He thought the whole thing was very amusing,  I thought I was going to throw up!  It took me a few minutes to get it out of my head.  I threw my drink out !!! 

DISGUSTING !!!!!    I will always check my cup and straw before using it again.  Or maybe I'll just get a new cup and straw.  

GOD'S BIGGEST JOKE

Do you know what God's biggest joke is ?  The internet and all the technology that goes with it.  Who the hell ever thought that computers were the solution to all the world's problems?  Who ever thought that cell phones and internet connections and all this other crap was a good idea?  

We all are guilty of that.  Just like the discovery of electricity, the telephone and cars changed the world for the better(?) computers were supposed to make our lives easier.  Remember the lie about how many trees will be saved now that we have computers so nothing need be written down on paper.  When was the last time you were at a doctors office and they handed you 400 forms to fill out?  Try and tell them that all that information is in their computer because you registered on line.  They just smile and say, "We still need you to fill out these forms."  WHY ?????  Forty of those forms are about your information being secure. Do you honestly give a rats bottom who knows about your toe fungus?  I sure don't care.

I have been computer less for a couple of weeks and it has been nothing but total aggravation.  I had a rebuilt one for a while but that turned out to be a dud.  I finally just said the hell with it and bought myself a new MacBook Air which I am using right now.  So far so good as far as blogging goes but I can NOT figure out how to get all my "very important" information out of the cloud and into my computer.   

I started out by following the tutorial on the computer but some how got "voiceover" on so that now very single letter that I type. I have a guy with a Scottish accent yelling out that letter.  "C' , "A", "T", "H" and so on and so on.  It is terribly annoying and I can't figure out how to shut him up !!   I finally gave up on that and just turned off the sound so I can type in peace. 

From there I moved on to trying to get this computer to search The Cloud and find all my information, pictures, contacts etc. and suck them from The Cloud and into my new computer.  Well that isn't going well either.  No matter what password I put in, (and I have many), The Cloud refuses to recognize me.I feel I should go out into the field and wave my arms at the sky while shouting, "Hey Cloud,  Its ME !!!!   It keeps telling me I have the wrong email address or password so it will not connect.  The fact that we have the worlds WORST internet here on the farm is not helping the matter.  By the time the computer takes in what I have typed and connects to our internet which is then going to connect us to The Cloud everyone has fallen asleep.  I keep getting the message that an "error has occurred".  NO SHIT !!!  And that's where it stops.  I have tired EVERYTHING to get this done but it looks like I need to make an appointment with the computer guy to help me get this set up.   I have none of my pictures and none of my contacts.  I can't get into my email account and I don't dare try to go into my credit card or bank account for fear that there is an evil leprechaun just waiting in The Cloud to steal my identity.

BUT . . . . I CAN BLOG !!!

Over the past couple of weeks there have been so many times that I could have written pages, more often than not it was about The Man but of course I didn't write down anything so now I can't remember any of my ideas.  But fear not, Living with The Man is a constant source or material so you can expect more stories from this end of the world.  I hope I can brighten someone's day . . .  Especially my BFF'S sister Carol who is not feeling well.  

Everything is better if you can laugh. 

COUGAR, LEOPARD OR TOAD

 I have been called many many things throughout my life.  Some, like mom, daughter, wife, are good things and I am proud to have been called all of them.  Other "names" I have been called are not so nice and I will not share them with you.  I think one of the most memorable rhymes from my childhood was, " Sticks and stone can break my bones but names will never harm me".  I used that chant way too often as a kid and it worked every time.  Between that and "It takes one to know one" I managed to survive my younger years.  (To be completely honest, now that I think about it I used those two comebacks well into adulthood.)

And now here I am in my senior years and no one even wants to talk to me, no less call me names. The Man has selective hearing and when the kids call it is all about them and their families.  All I do is listen.  

Speaking of The Man I guess I could technically be a Cougar since he is 2 years younger than me.  But that is really stretching it.  And let's face it, I am NO cougar !  A leopard maybe . . . 

Why a leopard ?  Well, it seems that as I age my skin is being taken over by spots.  Big and small. Brown and blotchy, they cover my entire body.  Wait, that's not exactly true.  These polka dots only appear on the parts of my body that are exposed to the sun.  This gives a whole new meaning to the term "Sun Spots". 

I can't remember how old I was when I first started noticing my spots.  At first there were just one or two.   Then there were ten or twelve, next twenty or thirty and now I am just covered.  In fact there are so many they are beginning to blend into one another.  In the beginning I could play "Follow the dots" and come up with some neat pictures and designs.  Now I don't even have spaces between the dots.  I am told by some that these spots are caused by the sun, others say it is just part of aging and yet others tell me they are a sign of my liver not working properly.  I'm thinking that I have so many because all three of those reasons are working together to create a new skin for me.  If I were a snake I could shed my skin every so often and start fresh. Now that I think about it I guess the reason my spots are all blending together is because the fatter I get my skin is stretching out,  

When I'm out with friends who are younger than me I always notice how lovely their skin is.  Smooth and un blotched. And then I look at my arm and wonder what color my skin would be without all these spots.Maybe I don't want to know.  Unlike my hair that I can color if I  don't like my own color,  I don't have that option with my skin.  I wonder what color I would pick if I could?  Maybe purple? 

But as with my hair," it is what it is".  I'm very happy with my hair color now that I am a senior citizen and since there is nothing I can do about my skin I guess I'll just take what God has given me and roll with it.  

But I really do look like a leopard.   

OR if I am being completely honest I think I look more like a spotted toad. 

HAPPY 4th OF JULY

 How are you celebrating our nations birthday this year ?  B-B-Q in the back yard, going out on your boat, shooting off fireworks ?   My holiday is being spent power washing one of the 2 outside patios and reading my newest Stephen King book.  The neighborhood is quiet. All our neighbors are at their "camps" on Round Lake.  I have no idea where Round Lake is but I hear a lot about it.  It seems that when you live in the country and have acres and acres of land you also need to have a camp miles away from your home so you can go relax in the outdoors.  I honestly don't get it but every summer the neighbors disappear for long weekends at their camps.  Of course beer is ALWAYS involved.  

Funny thing how our lives change.  I can't remember the last time I drank a beer or any alcohol for that matter.  Maybe a glass of wine now and then but I'd much rather have a hot fudge Sunday.  Things that used to excite us are now boring or too difficult to do so our definition of "entertainment" totally changes. A quiet day with a nap and a good book far outweigh a hike in the woods or a game of pickle ball. (I have ZERO desire to ever try that silly game, although I still do enjoy a walk in the woods.).

Even better than a walk in the woods is a ride in the woods.  I LOVE driving this little "side-by-side" vehicle around the property but I have yet to venture out on to one of the many trail that criss-cross the UP.  I remember as a kid riding my bike through "The Woods" which was no more than an empty lot next to our house.  We, (the kids who lived on our block),  had made pathways through the brush that were highways for our bikes.  Now we have official trails to ride on and you have to buy a sticker for your vehicle in order to ride the trails.  It's all very official.  Meanwhile the trails are dusty and bumpy which is supposed to add to the "fun" of the ride.  

This morning The Man asked me to help him change around some of his oxygen tanks. The one in the car was empty so that had to be switched out with a full tank.  The tank in the lawnmower wagon was half empty so we swapped that out for a full one and put the half empty one in the car as a back up.  Once the game of musical tanks was completed we  rode down to the garage, The Man on his lawnmower and me on the side by side.   It was time to gas up the vehicles.  Last week we had stopped at the gas station to fill the two gas cans that we keep in the garage for the mower.  I had filled them almost to the top so they were both HEAVY !!  First we filled the mower, then we filled the side by side.  When we were done The Man climbed on his trusty steed and with a hearty "High O Silver" and a HUGE smile he rode off into the field.   

His smile today, as he got onto his mower, made me cry . . .   He is in his happy place riding around on that old lawnmower.  He can't do much else around the farm so this is his time to be outside and doing something that makes him feel needed..  I write a lot about this man that I have lived with for the past 8 years, mostly to complain about how he makes me crazy. But today that smile made me so sad that he has to deal with this lousy COPD.  He never complains even though he has a lot to complain about.  I am blessed to have him in my life. 

So while you are hopefully celebrating the 4th of July at a party, parade or picnic give thanks for this amazing country we live in and give thanks for the good people in your life.