THE MISSING LINK

Once again I am referring to Husband. The poor thing!  Once again I sit here in total amazement at the things he says and does and wonder WHAT goes on inside his brain !

We have definitely established the man has a brain. After countless "brain" scans the doctors can see that H does indeed possess something inside his skull other than cotton fluff. It appears to be a functioning "organ" but I really do wonder.

Then this morning it hit me, H is the missing link between cave man and human being. Somewhere along the line of evolution the cave man developed a thinking process and went from eating flesh off a woolly mammoth to processing that flesh, cooking it and using a knife and a fork. I assume it was around this time that "civilized" man started wearing clothes and peeing in a toilet.

Having a husband who seems to be having trouble with all of the above " Civilized" actions I have come to the conclusion that he is indeed the missing link. Seeing how I need an explanation for H's recent bizarre behavior MISSING LINK is as reasonable as any other explanation. THINKING is a key word here. I fail to see any attempt on H's part to separate necessity from frivle. (That which is NOT necessary. This includes sitting in front of Fox News and picking ones nose. Both of which H can do simultaneously to an expert degree.) Necessity includes feeding ones' self, peeing IN a toilet and dressing in CLEAN, dry clothes. We could include shaving every so often so that one does not look like Santa on a binge and brushing teeth at least ONCE a day. (I would prefer both those actions be taken a lot more often but I'll take what I can get!)

And then there is the whole eating thing. I made a chicken roast yesterday that I had bought at Sam's club.  One of those wonderful pre-cooked things that just take minutes to heat.  It was chicken stuffed with artichoke hearts, spinach and cheese.  It was delicious! True to form Husband asked 

"What's in this" and true to form I didn't quite lie, I just omitted mentioning the artichoke hearts. Heaven forbid H should eat anything healthy. It wasn't until one of the kids mentioned artichoke hearts that H did a double take and a good look at his plate. Up to that point he was quite happy eating what was in front of him. He did not mention any odd tastes or textures and was actually enjoying his dinner.   His plate was nearly empty when the horrific word ARTICHOKE was mentioned. At that point H completely stopped eating and refused another bite.

SERIOUSLY ??????  

The man is a neanderthal and I have the "pleasure" of living with him.  Now I know why cave women looked as bad as they did and would travel miles and miles ALONE on the pretense of gathering berries.  I'd rather chance the attack of a rabid saber tooth tiger than put up with this shit !  

WHAT IS THIS GOOEY MESS ? REALLY ?

I'm talking here SALT WATER TAFFY . . .  Who invented this disgusting stuff ?  And WHY ?

I know there is a dentist behind this invention.  Hell, lets make something that will pull out all existing fillings and remain stuck to the teeth long after a person is finished eating it.  Actually, you are never finished with taffy because it stays stuck on and in and between your teeth for months after so you are continuously finding small pieces to chew on long after the initial ingestion.  And those pieces you don't find remain there creating a lovely nesting place for plaque and germs to make new cavities for you.  It's a gold mine for dentists.

And if it wasn't a dentist who created this goo who the hell was the inventor ? I would like to smack him up side his head with a wad of week old taffy.

Every souvenir shop and gift shop in the world sells this stuff.  Thousands of miles from the sea you find SALT WATER taffy. Is someone shipping in gallons of salt water in order to make this stuff?  And who the hell BUYS it ? Have you EVER found a person who says, "OOOOH, SALT WATER TAFFY! I LOVE THAT STUFF MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF!"   NO!  I don't think so.  Are the "Taffy-a-holics" like chocoholics ?  NO, Again, I don't think so.  The stuffy is just plain NASTY!  And what about the fact that it comes in "flavors" ?  Sorry to tell you but to me the chocolate tastes like the coffee which tastes like the strawberry. Nasty is Nasty no matter what label you put on the wrapper.

Heaven forbid you don't eat the gunk immediately because once the box is opened the air starts to harden those little tidbits of goo. The longer it remains in the box the stickier and harder it gets.  But before it hardens it goes through the SOFT and gooey stage so that when you try to unwrap the stuff it sticks to the paper, your fingers, your hair, your clothes and all furniture within a 20 foot radius.
If you think giving peanut butter to your dog is hilarious try giving taffy to a toddler.  Best entertainment EVER !

Can you tell I don't like taffy ?  Never did, never will.   Give me some good old fashioned chocolate any day and keep the taffy for sticking photos on your fridge or plugging up holes in cement.

This blog was inspired by my recent trip to MD. The airports ALL sell adorable containers of taffy.  I have never seen anyone buy any but there they are on display. I chuckled to myself when I arrived home to find that Ger's brother had brought Ger a box of SALT WATER TAFFY !  It figures that Husband actually likes this stuff.  Just what he needs !

WORDS OF WISDOM OR NOT

Hey Children of mine . . .  here's a few things I want to share with you, just in case you haven't figured it out for yourselves yet.
The is NO "ME" in marriage. And there is even less "ME" once you have children.  From the minute you said, "I DO" you gave up every ounce of self and became WE, US, TWO, A TEAM, PARTNERS, etc.
Every so often you get the illusion of SELF but that's all it is, an illusion.  No matter what time you make to "Do YOUR thing" you never really are alone.  There is always that other person at home who is going to ask how your day was, did you have a  good time, what did you do today, where were you ???????  You are answering to someone ALL the time. Remember those college days when you were out till dawn and no one cared? That was real freedom, even though you had to make it to that damn 8AM class you still didn't have to answer to anyone.
All the "care" and "concern" from your spouse come under the heading of "LOVE" but it is really just having to share your life with someone else.  That is a good thing at times but it wears pretty thin as the years go by.
And if you haven't given up enough of yourself you then go and have children! Children are AWESOME, don't get me wrong but you now have NO CHANCE of being a person. Once you have a child your life is not your own EVER !  Those long hot baths . . .  GONE !  Talking on the phone to your BFF, NOT HAPPENING !! (This is a tricky one, especially with our wonderful i phones that can go any where with us but are you really telling me that you are enjoying that conversation while driving 2 screaming kids to the park?)  If you answered YES to that question you are doing something really really wrong because once you have children THE KIDS COME FIRST !  ( We are like mommy lions who will kill and eat anyone who gets between us and our child. If someone gets between me and my husband I will probably push him toward them but the kids are a different story. )
I Love when I hear this next generation talking about getting some "TOGETHER" time.  Time away from the children, time to yourselves. NOT !  That is not part of the parent package.  Have Kids, Give up your life.  Yea it sucks but that's the way it works.  These kids don't raise themselves. They don't learn responsibility, morals, good judgement and leadership by themselves. They need you there 24/7 whether you like it or not.  Maybe you will get to go out to dinner once a month, maybe even a movie but for the most part the minute you got pregnant you signed on for the long haul.
AND IT IS A LONG LONG LONG LONG HAUL !    No more ME, just US . . .

And some day when the kids are all grown and raising families of their own and trying to get some "ME" time you can laugh and tell them how tough it really is but how very worth their while if they do it right. There's plenty of time for ME when you die, right now you have a job to do so do it to the very best of your ability.  I did and I am proud of all of you !  Now it's your turn.

A COBE IN MY NODE

I haven't been "sick" in several years. I have been achy and "old" and cranky but I have not had a cold or flu in probably over 10 years. Not since we moved from New York.  Oh wait, I take that back. There was the year we went to Maryland and I caught the flu and had to fly home wearing a surgical mask because I was soooooooooooo sick.  Remember, that was the time we discovered the trick to getting a complete row of seats ALL to yourself!  So, I stand corrected, it has only been a couple of years since I was sick but it seems like ages ago.  And for sure I did not have my Florida friend Carol in my life to heal me with her Jewish Penicillin.

Last weekend we had Smith up here for our fun and fabulous weekend at the zoo.  He was so much fun in spite of the green boogers that appeared every time we went into the pool.  His sinuses did a great job of holding the snot until they got a little pool water in there to flush them out. Green boogers are never good and they spread their nasty little germs through Smiths body and into mine. My poor little man was home all week feeling really down. His parents took him to the doctor when he fell asleep on the couch. You always know there is something REALLY wrong when your 3 year old boy falls asleep on the couch in the middle of the day while watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while his sister and brother scream for their bottles. His doctor said it was just a cold, give him so children's Motrin for the fever and ride it out.  He slept a lot and was feeling up to going to camp on Friday.

Grandma made it through the rather sucky week fighting a cold that I actually thought was allergies so I did NOT take any Zicam and then WHAM, got hit with the full fury of the cold on Saturday when I went to the walk-in and got prescriptions for and ear AND sinus infection.  I have been sleep since.

I feel the need to write about this because my Jewish nurse and several other folks have been SHOCKED(!) to hear that I was "still" sleeping at 12:30 PM today. Considering I was awake half the night coughing it really isn't so amazing.  I know I am the queen of sleep and have been know to sleep till noon on many an occasion but these are extenuating circumstances folks.  I BE SICK !  No fooling!  I am putting on and taking off clothes every 20 minutes depending on whether I am freezing or roasting.  The thermostat hasn't been changed this often since we moved in.  I am taking hot baths to warm up and then standing in front of the freezer to cool back down. What ever this germ is it's a doozy. I'm walking around with a box of tissues to wipe the sweat off my forehead while wrapped in my fuzzy pink robe because I am freezing.

BUT . . .  Now that I have a pot the size of a bathtub filled with home made CHICKEN SOUP I am on the mend.  Yesterday when I spoke to friend Carol she was on her way out to shop for the ingredients for the soup. This morning she called to say she was dropping it off and indeed, 15 minutes later there she was with a huge pot, piping hot, wrapped in a towel. She handed it to Ger and disappeared into the mist!  She is like a Jewish Lone Ranger with her husband, Tonto, driving off down the road.
Ger and I immediately sat down and had a huge mug of soup that is TO DIE FOR ! This is the best chicken soup I have ever tasted, right down to the perfectly formed matzo balls. O M G  !!!!!!

I LOVE HAVING JEWISH FRIENDS !!!  Especially when they are such great friends AND such great cooks !

AS for feeling better, I ate the soup, sat up about an hour watching TV with Ger and went back to sleep for another 4 hours.       TIME FOR MORE SOUP !   I still don't feel good, but I think I'm on my way.

IF THE PHONE IS RINGING IT MUST BE MONDAY

WHY . . .   ??????  Is there that  much "important " stuff that you need to call me at 8 AM on a Monday morning ?  apparently not since I do not need a "free" test of the water in my home, a "free" energy saving inspection of my home or a "free" seminar on saving thousands of dollars by switching to Dish TV !    OK, so the doctor feels the need to let me know we have an appointment at 9:30 AM on WEDNESDAY, (Call me Tuesday afternoon please when I might actually need the reminder!).  Or the Oncologist needs to remind me that we have a Noon appointment tomorrow because in the past two years we have NEVER missed an appointment.  But the "best" is when a Florida friend calls BEFORE TEN.   LADIES LADIES LADIES . . .  .  I have tried to explain to you in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that you NEVER NEVER NEVER call  my house before 10 AM!    WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS ????????????

It has taken me years to establish this rule with people. But they really do not believe me when I say,"DO NOT CALL ME BEFORE 10 AM!"  My New York Friends GET IT !  It took us a while for them to understand but understand they do and totally respect this rule.  Bu then we have been friends forever. They know all my quirks. they love me in spite of who and what I am and accept all of me. Including the aversion I have to talking on the phone in the morning. Sharon knows that all those years that we had young children in school and she was working nights that we never ever called on another in the morning unless we were in total break down mode.  And even then if we woke one another it was always, "Never mind, call me later!"  NOTHING was more important than sleep. And the fact that we would often go weeks or even months without talking was not strange at all.  Jeanne and I still go for a month or more without talking and then just pick up where we left off. And that was before the age of email and text messages.  We just had things to do in our lives and if we needed each other we knew we could just pick up the phone or even pull up at the house, knock on the door in our jammies and pick up where we left off.  THAT is REAL friendship.

Florida friends are different . .  . they are NEW.  There isn't history there to help them understand all my quirks. They may have heard stories but they weren't part of the life that created this person that I am today.  So when they call at 9:45 and are totally shocked at the fact that they have woken me I feel judged. You don't need to tell me what time it is when I say I was asleep. If I choose to sleep till noon that is my business. Saying, "BUT IT'S 9:45!" does not make me feel any better. My answer of, "YES, it's 9:45 and I WAS ASLEEP!" does nothing to change the shock in your voice. I SLEEP when I am tired. YES, I AM FINE, that in answer to your question of, "Are you OK?"   HELLO PEOPLE, did I not explain that you NEVER call my house before 10 ?  And what is with this constant asking me, "When will I see you again?"  How the hell do I know?  Let it go. I may decide to move to the Bahamas tomorrow or I may just not feel like being social. My NY friends ALWAYS leave each other with the words, "I LOVE YOU! WE WILL SEE EACH OTHER SOON!" No pressure, it is understood that we are there for each other and that we will see each other as soon as we can. Florida friends all ask the question, "When will I see you again".  Like I have to take out my appointment calendar and make a date right then and there.  Too much pressure for me thank you. I don't need to add friendship to my calendar.  Do you want to go someplace special once in a while, fine, we can make a date but just to get together to chat, NO !!  Friendship is spontaneous.  I don't want or like to schedule get togethers. Do you have some time to go for coffee? Call me!  BUT NOT BEFORE 10!

I am not angry about this but rather quite amused. People living in Florida are mostly OLD.  They, like myself are pretty set in their way but oddly enough think that their way is THE RIGHT WAY !  Because they are up at 5:30 AM to "enjoy the day" means that I too should be thinking the same way. NOT !!!   I do NOT enjoy the sunrise.  Florida folks like to get up and get moving before the heat of the day. I say, "F" that and just sleep till it is too freaking hot to go out so I can stay in and putter. WE have enough mornings when we HAVE to get up to go to a doctor appointment.  I have just spent the weekend with Smith and am TIRED!

BUT WHY AM I HAVING TO EXPLAIN MYSELF . . .   This is me, don't call before 10 !!

PSYCHOTIC OR NEUROTIC

So just what is the difference between the two?  I guess I could look it up on the internet but then, I am too busy researching the effects of Tylenol and Ibuprofen on infants and children.
I am the first to admit I am totally consumed with worry that some of my grand children are going to die from liver failure. THERE !  I said it out loud and I am glad.
I am the first to admit I am a lunatic and not always capable of thinking clearly when it comes to my grand kids.  I have "disgusted" my children on several occasions because of my lack of self control when it comes to buying gifts for my precious little ones. I have been asked to not talk to my daughter-in-laws concerning the grand kids but rather to direct any questions and concerns to my sons so that I might not upset their wives.  I have tried to keep my mouth shut and not interfere with the up bringing of my grand kids and to all of this I am on board 100%.  I get it!  My mother and mother-in-law both were outspoken women. It runs in my family that the women, cousins, and aunts alike all are very very opinionated. But I try to be aware of my boundaries and I do appreciate and try to respect my children when they remind me of my place.
But this one has me physically ill with worry.  My concern is that any child under the age of one should not be given Tylenol unless the child is running a fever of over 100.  I argue that a three month old baby should not be given Tylenol to soothe them because they may or may not be teething. Never more than one dose a day and never day after day.  How about Tylenol for "growing pains" in a three year old? Every evening for days at a time?
These are the things that I am loosing sleep over.
My therapist and I discussed the fact that I was an over protective mother. I prefer to think I am an over ATTENTIVE mother.  Big difference!  I don't care to live in my children's house, back yard or even in the same state but when I am with them I worry.
My father was an amazing man and never commented on how we raised our children. OR DID HE?
Hate to burst your bubble but when he was alone with me I used to hear about what Papa thought of my children AND my husband. I usually agreed with him but he never mentioned any of this to the kids or Ger.  I don't know if I am my fathers daughter or not.  I am worried about these little ones and just don't know what to do about it. I have talked to the parents and have been blown off as being worried about nothing. But the evidence is there and my gut tells me I have to speak up.
So does that make me neurotic or psychotic ?  I really don't care what you call me as long as you stop  with the Tylenol!

AGAIN !!!!!!! ????

It is getting increasingly difficult to just smile and nod when Husband is in CHEMO BRAIN mode.  I think perhaps there is more to this than chemo and radiation. The man is increasingly forgetful and I fear that one of these times he will go out without me and end up on the big screen on I-95 as the latest Silver Alert. (Yes folks, here in Florida we not only have Amber alerts, we have Silver alerts for those old folks who wander out in their cars and are never seen again.) I am expecting any day to see              

"SILVER ALERT     Silver 2003 Toyota Rav 4     license plate    Florida  # 212 MFA       Last seen at
Mac Donalds  or Chick fil A.   Bald guy driving with a stupid look on his face but killer eye lashes that women swoon over.  75 years old but easily could pass for 80-85.  Probably won't remember his name and won't be able to find his drivers license when asked. Also missing his credit card for the umpteenth time.  If found do not call wife, she really doesn't want him back any time soon."

Once again H has lost his credit card and has waited 3-4 days to mention the fact. What am I going to do with this man?  I rarely let him out alone and yet he manages on those few occasions to loose anything not directly attached to his body. He has often been found wandering around the parking lot looking for his car. Then once having found his car he cannot figure out where he left his keys! this latest loss of credit card is really pissing me off.  Not only does H not know where he left his card, he has NO idea of where he has been ! The man can not remember anything for more than a second. Forget what ever he did 4 days ago. I have been searching for the credit card since he mentioned it's absence. Trying to get H to remember what he did the ONE time he was out without me is like toilet training an elephant. We know that H went to the gym last Friday. He did stop to buy himself some food but can't remember if he was at Dunkin Donuts or Mac Donalds. There are no empty cups or wrappers in the car to give me a clue. The only thing we have to go on is that his CVS card is also missing. My theory is that he returned some medicine to CVS and left his cards there. I called the store and they swear they have no cards there. I will stop in tomorrow and speak to someone who may take the time to actually search. Then I'll stop at both food places and possibly even the gym.  After that I guess it's a call to the bank to get a new card . . . AGAIN !  

Do you think it's time to take his card away ?