CHRISTMAS FUN

There is something about Christmas that makes me realize my mortality. Unlike Thanksgiving I find that at ChristmasI am thinking more and more of people who are no longer with us. ( I guess the fact that The Man's daughter died 2 weeks ago might be the reason for this. ).  I am thinking more of Christmas' past and the joy that I remember as a child. When I was in my late teens and 20's Christmas lost its sparkle. I was no l longer a child and there weren't any children in my life. (Although I was teaching Kindergarten so that did help keep some of the spirit alive.)  Once I had my own children the magic returned full force. That was the BEST !  Even if I was totally exhausted preparing and wrapping, cooking and cleaning, decorating the yard and house, it was magical !!!  Christmas morning was as exciting to me as it was to the kids.  

Then the kids grew up and went away to college to start their own lives.  Suddenly Christmas fell flat once again.  That didn't last long before we entered into the greatest Christmas' of all.  Christmas with GRAND KIDS !!!!  I now have the best of all worlds.  Shopping WITH my grand kids is the best fun ever.  I have been blessed to have had the opportunity the last couple of years to shop with my 3 grand kids who live in Pompano. Sadly this year we didn't get to do this.  Time and age got in the way.  Not only my age but the kids are getting older and have so many things on their calendars. 

 This year I DID get to take my grandson, Finn shopping for gifts for his family. We were set to go last week but he came down with some sort of bug so we put it off till 2 days before Christmas.  The traffic was horrific but we weren't going far.  No driving on highways and no crazy parking lots.  Finn decided we would go to our local Walmart which I expected to be a circus. Luckily I think every one decided to shop at Target so Walmart wasn't too bad at all.   We got a great parking spot, a cart that had all 4 wheels working and checkout lines that weren't three miles long.   Finn brought his list and we hit the store with a mission . .. . I can not tell you how many times we walked from one end of the store to the other.  Every time we got to one end for something the next thing on his list was at the other end of the store.  I think I have qualified for running a half marathon. We bought everything on the list and then some.  As we were cutting across the store for the five thousandth time we cut through an aisle full of suitcases.  Finn came to a screeching halt and announced that a suitcase was the PERFECT gift for his mom.   (My daughter has apparently been using an old suitcase that embarrasses the entire family every time they travel. ) So we started looking at the selection before us.  Do you know HOW MUCH a freaking suitcase costs ?    Holy cow !!   But we found one that we both fell in love with because we knew his mom would love it.  Finn was concerned that he only had $20 so we agreed that he would give me his twenty and I would pay for the rest. (I definitely do not come out ahead on these shopping trips.)  We found gifts for the rest of the family, checked out in record time and headed back to my house with one stop at Mc Donalds to re fuel the boy so he would have the energy to wrap. 

Have you ever tried to wrap a suitcase ?   Finn and I decided that this was a job for a large garbage bag with a bow.  Only I didn't have any large garbage bags so I ended up sitting on the floor wrapping the suitcase while he wrapped all his other gifts. On the way home to his house his mom called to ask if I wanted her to stop at my house to pick up Finn on her way home.  We told her we were almost at her home and would meet her there.  Finn now was able to sneak his gifts into the house and hide them before anyone returned home.  

Christmas Day arrived and my daughter LOVED her gift from Finn.  As did his sister and his dad.  They hosted a Christmas feast for me and Uncle Kent and his kids.  It was a wonderful day!  I brought leftovers home to The Man and all was well with the world.  (The Man did not want to be around the kids for fear of picking up any germs.) 

As I crawled into bed Christmas night I tried to figure out why I was so tired.  Then I remembered all those Christmas' when I was a kid and my mom went all out cooking, wrapping gifts AND baking all sorts wonderful cookies. (This is the first year I did not bake cookies.)  I thought of when my family was growing up and Husband and I hosted Aunts, Uncles and cousins for the holidays.  Good times ! 

But today I am still tired.  Guess I'm getting old. 

LU LU "ISIMS"

 Do you happen to remember my cousin Lu Lu ?  She is my cross to bare but she also provides so many good laughs.  To refresh your memory, Lu Lu is 94 years old. She cannot remember that and asks me every time I see her, "How old am I?"  When I tell her she is 94 she either starts planning her 95th birthday party or she starts listing all her ailments. "I never had pain in my legs before! Why do I have it now?"  We then discuss the fact that being her age comes with a lot of aches and pains which are all normal.  She also wonders why she can't remember things. Again I explain that she has 94 years worth of "stuff" in her head. It is not surprising she can't remember much.   Of course the few memories that she does have are shared with me EVERY time I see her.  Things like "When I was a Girl Scout I walked all over the neighborhood knocking on doors.  Cookies were fifty cents a box . . .."  There are so many things that I have heard a thousand times but it makes her happy to talk about them.

And then there are the REALLY crazy things that she comes up with.  Two weeks ago I got a phone call from her at 2:48 in the morning.  Thankfully I had my phone turned off. When I did get up I called her to see if everything was OK.  She had no idea that she had called me. She often mistakes the phone for the TV remote so anything can happen.  When she does call me I can expect the same introduction to the call.           My phone rings, having caller ID I know who it is,  I answer by saying, "Hello Lucile, how are you doing?"   And the answer EVERY time is, " Cathie ??? Did you call me?"   I play along and say, "Sure".  (It's just easier).  And then we get down to the reason for the call.  The call from 2 weeks ago was to tell me she is having an operation to take the bone out of her hip.  She has a lot of pain so the doctor is going to take out her hip bone because it is pressing on her bladder.  My response is, "Really!"  We continue to discuss her up coming surgery. As soon as I can get off the phone I call Lu Lu's aide to ask what is going on?  After the aide stopped laughing she told me she had taken Lu to the DENTIST because she wanted him to pull a tooth that was bothering her. Somehow or other a pulled tooth became the removal of her hip bone.   

Then today I got a call . . . "Cathie ???  Did. you call me?"     That call was to tell me she is having her toe cut off.  The doctor said it was no good so he was going to cut it off !!!  OK,  we entertain the toe surgery for a while and then she hangs up.   Once again I call the aide who is now rolling on the floor.  Lucille has a hang nail on her big toe.  The doctor told her he will fix the toe nail as soon as the infection is taken care of. He prescribed an antibiotic and will see her again next week.  

I swear to you I am not making any of this stuff up.  Every phone call is an adventure and I never know what the crisis of the day will be.  I do keep laughing and PRAYING that I do not become a cousin LuLu  when I get really old.  At this rate I'll probably die before Lu. 

I NEED TO BUY A RAKE. !

 Of all the things I hated about owning a house the thing at the top of the list was raking leaves.  I HATED to rake all those miserable leaves each autumn.  Our yard was full of big, tall oak trees so each year, come September the acorns and leaves started to fall.  Add to that the pine trees dropping needles and you can only imagine what a chore it was to clean up the front yard.  (I never raked the back yard because the leaves would cover the dirt so the yard looked better with leaves on it.)  The reason we had bought our house back in 1970 was because it had all those wonderful trees on the property.  Little did we think about raking leaves.  Having been raised in NYC neither husband nor I gave a thought to the work that would await us each fall.  

Once we moved to Florida I said good bye to raking leaves and shoveling snow. Shoveling snow was probably the second thing I hated about owning a home.  Now in Florida we have landscapers to rake and blow palm fronds and any leaves that might be found.  The closest I ever came to raking was when we had our Florida house with a pool in the back yard.  The pool was not covered so anything that fell from the sky landed in the pool and I had to skim it off each day.  NO Problem !  A very small price to pay for living in Paradise.  Husband's nemesis was the palm tree just outside our back yard fence.  Every year it would grow these huge bunches of seeds. (Think of a bunch of tiny grapes on their vine.) That's what would grow from the palm tree. We would watch these pods grow bigger and bigger until they would explode and drop into the pool.  It was a daily chore to get them off the surface of the pool.   Because I had done 90 % of the leaf raking in NY because husband worked 2 jobs the pod collecting fell to him. He would curse that damn tree every day!

But now husband and the big house are gone and so is the chore of raking.  Or so I thought.  We have LOTS of trees around our condo but they are all taken care of by the landscapers.  We are responsible for anything inside our screened in lanai, the gardeners take care of everything outside the lanai.  I do happen to have 2 plants in the lanai that drop their flowers all year round.  If I leave those flowers on the ground they stain the floor of the lanai so each week I wash them off with my hose.  That's it for my gardening!

Life is good.  I live in Florida and don't have any fights with Mother Nature.  

Except . . .    Our community is filled with oak trees.  All the streets are named after different oak trees. These oak trees do not have the leaves and acorns like the oak trees up north.  These oak trees have small slender leaves that fall ALL YEAR LONG !!! I'm serious . . .  there is no season with these trees. They don't loose all their leaves at once but instead they shed and grow at the same time.  It is the strangest thing I have ever seen.  The trees aren't tall and slender but rather shorter and fuller than a normal oak.  Thankfully we do have a great landscaping service in the community and they keep the grass trimmed and the leaves swept.  

In our community we also have assigned parking spots.  As fate would have it The Man has the spot on one side of a large "oak" tree and I have the spot on the other side of the tree.  Our cars a constantly covered in leaves and bird droppings.  We spend a lot of money at the car wash.  

This week The Man was in the hospital for 4 days because his lungs were filling with Co2, (A normal person breathes in air and the our body takes the oxygen out of the air to fuel our blood and organs. We then breathe out the Co2 so that we don'e asphyxiate ourselves. The Man has terrible COPD so his lungs don't work well at getting rid of the Co2.  Instead it collects inches lungs and slowly asphyxiates him.)  Luckily I realized something was very wrong and got him to the ER on Saturday.  He got great care and came home on Wednesday afternoon like a new man.  (He was put on a non-invasive ventilator for 2 days so his lungs got cleaned out.).  

Anyway . . .  It was a busy couple of days running back and forth to the hospital so when I got home on Thursday from running some chores I parked my car, locked it up and didn't get into it again until this afternoon when I went out to go to 4:00 mass.  I opened my car door and out blew and ton of leaves. There were leaves on the seats, floor and dashboard. I stood there looking at the mess and thought to myself someone must be playing a prank on me.  But who?  And how would they get into my car which was locked?  And then I looked UP .   Dumb ass me had left the sun roof OPEN.   I had been such a beautiful day on Thursday I had opened the windows and sun roof open to enjoy the balmy breezes.  When I got home I shut the windows but never thought about the sun roof.   So there my car sat for 2 days, UNDER THE TREE that happily dropped leaves right down into my car.  

Freaking tree !!!  I need to buy a rake.  

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

 Newspapers . . .  I enjoy reading the newspaper.  In Michigan it is the Escanaba Daily Press, in Florida we have the Palm Beach Post.  These 2 papers are at total opposite ends of the political spectrum but they never fail to entertain me.  I love reading the headlines. "Telescope reveals growth of primordial black hole"! How can you resist reading that article?  It makes me think of "Jurassic Park", "Planet of the Apes" and "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" all rolled into one.  I think it's the word "primordial" that catches my interest. 

Then we have the totally idiotic headlines that catch my eye because they sound so dumb. "Snow predictions vary from latitude, altitude" . . .  well DUH !!  I don't expect much snow in South Florida but I would expect Nome, Alaska to be covered in snow this winter.  Likewise this intelligent article would explain why there is usually snow on the tops of tall mountains but not so much in the desert.  I really have yet to figure out how that article got into the paper. Do they really think we are all THAT stupid?  I guess that particular news worthy story was included in the paper because they had nothing else to print. (The election is over so there is nothing to talk about?)

Today as I sat reading the paper an article on the front page of the "Local" section of the newspaper caught my eye.  " 81-year-old woman dies in wrong-way crash on road near Boca Raton Airport".  The headline was in large, bold print so you really couldn't miss it.  The "81-year-old WOMAN" was what caught my eye. Being just a few months shy of 80 I am very conscious of news stories about "Elderly" folks and the crazy things they do.  I often wonder if I am too old to be driving so when I see a story like this one I have to read it to see if I see myself in any part of it.  

I ABSOLUTELY DID !!

Let me explain . . .   The headline gave me the impression that the woman was driving.  This was not the case at all. The article goes on to say that the crash killed the woman and left her 80-year-old husband with life-threatening injuries.  It also said that the husband was driving. Let me repeat that incase you missed my point . . .  THE HUSBAND WAS DRIVING !!!!!   Now that makes much more sense. I can now picture what really happened.

It is 2:30 in the afternoon and Mr. & Mrs. XYZ are driving home from making a Costco run. There is only the 2 of them but they still shop at Costco because that is their weekly day out where they will wander aimlessly through the store while blocking the aisles with their shopping cart.  Once they finish shopping they get a hot dog and soda, (all for a dollar twenty five) and then pack the car and head home.  Wife lets husband drive because, even though he can't see well and really doesn't focus on the task at hand, he needs to feel like a man and be "in-charge".  It's the middle of the day, the sun is out, the traffic is light, what could go wrong.  As they approach the turn onto the busier road up ahead husband is distracted and makes the left turn into the north bound lanes of traffic. Unfortunately he is driving south !  It is at this point that I see myself.  I am yelling, "Stop, stop, you're going the wrong way." Being the rocket scientist that he is, husband responds with, "No I'm not !  I'm going the right way!" , completely missing the point that even though he is indeed traveling the correct direction he is doing so in the wrong lanes.  Wife is now panicked by the oncoming traffic and is screaming at husband who is still oblivious that he is doing something WRONG !  

I know The Wife went directly to Heaven for putting up with The Man for all those years.  Her final thoughts probably were, "You dumb ass, mother jumping @#$^&%#$%&#$%^$# !  I knew you were going to get me killed some day!"

May she finally rest in peace.  I hope to meet her if and when I get to Heaven.  We will have A LOT of stories to share. 

MUFFLED, MUMBLING, MASKED MAN

I am SO tired !  When I am tired it takes all my energy to remain calm when dealing with "4M" (aka The Man). On a good day he drains my strength but this past month I have been exhausted for some unknown reason so I am always dragging my butt.  I am probably so tired because of all the "happy drugs" I am taking to remain calm.  Calm is good, catatonic is something else.  But that's a blog for another day.

Back to "4M".   I have mentioned in previous blogs that The Man and I are both blessed with having to wear sleep apnea head gear.  It drives me NUTS !!!!!  I hate the damn mask and hose. I wake up multiple times a night with the mask half off and/or the hose wrapped around my neck. Sleep apnea will not be the cause of my death but the mask and hose will!  It is a royal pain in the arse !

The Man on the other hand has no trouble at all sleeping with his mask and hose.  His machine is actually a BiPap machine.  It forces air into his lungs to push the excess Co2 out. According to The Man it makes him fall asleep instantly and deeply as soon as he puts it on.  This is a wonderful thing for him and I am very happy that it helps him to feel so good.  Unfortunately once he puts his mask on he thinks he can still carry on a conversation with me. 

Let me set the stage for you . . . It's 11 PM at night and I am now totally wiped out from a long day of doing nothing.  "4M" and I have had dinner, moved to the couch to watch some TV, taken showers and gotten ready for bed.  I drag my butt into the bedroom, brush my teeth, set up my machine, take my pills, turn on the fan, turn down the AC so I can sleep and then crawl into bed.  "4M" and I have spent the ENTIRE day together but it is NOW when The Man decides he wants to chat!  

This happens EVERY night so I stall getting into bed by sitting on the bed to put on lotion, make small talk, whatever, to see if he has anything he wants to chat about.  I get NOTHING because his focus is still on the TV.  As soon as I crawl into the bed and take out my hearing aids . . . THAT . . . is when he decides he has to tell me something crucial to the future of the universe.  I take off my mask, put in my ears and ask, "WHAT?"  He then tells me it's not important, we can talk about it in the morning.  I take out my hearing aids, put my mask back on, lie down and attempt to get comfortable.  It is at this point that "4M" decides to put on his mask and turn off the TV.   I think Ahhhhhhhh, sleep at last.   NOT !!!!!

The room is dark, my ears are out and my mask is on so I can hear virtually nothing . . .  except somewhere in the distance I hear mumbling coming from the other side of the bed. If I don't respond I get a poke and a question which I assume is saying, "Did you hear me?"    

Now in the past I have been very patient with this nightly routine but I have reached the limit of my patience.  The response "4M" now gets is me pulling off my mask and shouting, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR MASK ON !!!!!!!!!"  Which naturally sends him into a snit because I am pissed.  

So much for a good nights sleep when my blood pressure is now up to on thousand !

And yet I guarantee that tonight and every night until I murder him the game will continue.  

HELP ! I AM STUCK !

 I kid you not,   I am quite, literally STUCK !  The Man is at rehab and I am alone in the house and stuck in my electric recliner.  (I'll give you a moment to stop laughing)

I guess it all started last night when I could NOT fall asleep. I tossed and turned and flopped around in the bed like a beached whale.  I finally gave up at around 2 AM and came out to the living room where I made a cup of tea, got out my iPad and flopped down in my recliner. ( My recliner happens to be my favorite spot in the Florida condo. I have the lovely parlor up in Michigan where I can escape and I have my electric recliner here in Florida.)  Life is good.  

I spent the next three hours sitting the dark playing games on the iPad until I thought I might finally be able to sleep, which I did until 9 AM. Since then I have been doing laundry, changing sheets on the bed, puttering in the kitchen and just cleaning up the place.  The Man left for rehab a little after 10, (for his 11 o'clock session that is less than 5 minutes away. I don't ask.)  After he left I made some breakfast and headed to my recliner with coffee in hand and the newspaper to read.  I got sidetracked half way to the chair when I saw my computer and decided to check my mail. THAT WAS A HUGE MISTAKE. Why is it that just as I get comfortable with the structure of a website they up and change everything.  All I wanted to do was see if any of the 57 e-mails were anything important.  Low and behold Outlook had changed EVERYTHING since I last checked my mail and I now had to log in which meant I had to get up to get my password book. (The chair was functioning fine. It vibrated, produced heat on my back and went up and down just like it is supposed to.)  Naturally I had no idea where I left my password book so that took some searching but I. finally found it and went back to my chair to continue fighting the computer. That was a total bust so I closed up the computer and decided to read the paper. What could go wrong !?  I had my coffee, a piece of banana bread that I had baked last night, (that refused to cook in the middle), and the news paper. Ahhhhhhhhhh comfy at last!    WRONG !!!  I didn't have my glasses so I couldn't see. 

OK , , , one last time I'll get up, get my glasses, return to the chair and relax for an hour before The Man gets back and decides he needs me to help him do something.  I picked up the remote for the chair, pressed the button to lower my feet so I could get up and NOTHING . . . .    The chair wasn't moving so neither was I.  

Because I had tipped the chair as far back as it would go I was in a semi prone position with gravity working against me.  The chair and I were bonded together and I was going to be stuck here a while.  Fortunately I have pretty good upper body strength. Unfortunately the rest of my body sinks like a rock so that once it is in any position it takes an act of God and a 20 tone crane to get me to move. 

It only took me about 10 minutes to wiggle myself up and out of the chair. (I might as well have been climbing Mt. Everest), but I did finally make it out.  Sure enough when I looked under the chair, (that was another Herculean task) I saw that the power cord had pulled loose from the chair. 

So now I am back in the chair, vibrating and baking and I am NOT getting up for anything. 

 Please don't call because I left my. phone in the kitchen. 

MY TURN

You may have noticed that most of my blogs are written about the men in my life.  First there was Husband and all the dumb things he did.  Now there is "The Man" who provides me with an endless stream of material to write about.  But every now and then I do something so dumb that I need to be fair and let the world know what an idiot I can be.

It all started when I was still in MI wanting to send some goodies to my oldest grand daughter who is now in her second year of college.  She attends LSU and is doing an amazing job on her way to a career in engineering. (She is defiantly her parents child with none of her grandmother's stupidity in her.) ANYWAY . . .  I decided to go on Amazon to see what they had in the way of "Goodie Boxes". I found exactly what I was looking for, a whole box full of snacks.  It was the perfect gift to surprise the college student.   I quickly ordered it so it would get to her that week. 

Fast forward two and a half weeks and I still had not gotten a text from my grand daughter thanking me for her package.  This is unusual because she ALWAYS send a text when she hears from me.  I happened to be talking to her dad so I asked if his daughter had said anything about getting a package from me.  He didn't think so but then called her and asked.  She told him she had not received anything.  I couldn't understand what had happened because I had gotten a text from Amazon showing a picture of the package sitting outside her door. At least that's what I THOUGHT I saw. Upon closer scrutiny I realized the door in the picture was MY DOOR IN FLORIDA !  I had been in such a hurry to get the package sent that I didn't catch the address I was sending it to.  DUH!  DUH!  AND  DUH!    I was feeling quite stupid! 

But it gets even better !

I still wanted to get those snacks to my college girl so I went back on Amazon and re-ordered the same item but this time I was very careful of the address where it was being sent.  (Meanwhile the first box was sitting outside my FL condo for a couple of weeks getting rained on almost every day.  It was quite the mess when my daughter went over to pick it up.) Sure enough 2 days later I got a text from Louisiana thanking me for all the wonderful snacks.

But it doesn't end there.

About a week ago I put in an Amazon order for myself. I needed some pecans to snack on, a pair of Arthritis gloves, (my hands are very sore these days), and a bottle of special mouth wash. (I have a tooth that will be pulled in 3 weeks and the oxide mouth wash is keeping it from hurting.)  I sort of forgot about the things I ordered and vaguely remembered getting a note from Amazon saying the order was running late.   Fast forward to 2 days ago when I get a FACE TIME call from my college student. It is not unusual for her to call but a face time call is rare.  When I answered she was laughing, which is also not unusual. She went on to tell me that she had gotten a box that morning addressed to her. When she opened it she was confused by the contents.  There was a bag of pecans, a pair of arthritis gloves and a bottle of mouthwash.  Some how she knew right away what her goofy grandmother had done.   It seems that because she was the last person I had sent something from Amazon they had her LSU address in the "ship to" box on the order page.  Dummy me never checked on the address when I put in my order so instead of coming to me in FL it went to my grand daughter in LA.  

We both had an extremely good laugh and thoroughly enjoyed our face time chat. I promised her I would REALLY check all the information when I order anything from Amazon. I also told her to enjoy the pecans and just bring the other 2 items home with her at Christmas. She can wrap them up and give them to me as a gift.  

At this rate I probably won't remember any of this and will be totally surprised and delighted that my grand daughter knew EXACTLY what I needed.

BACK IN FLORIDA

O.M.G.    It has been a Looooooooooooong month and it's only the 21st.  Speaking of it being October 21, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DAUGHTER KERI".   How is it possible that I have children that old ?   Kyle is 51, Keri turns 48 today and Kent is 46.  That must mean I am OLD !!!!  

I am feeling old these days thanks to a zillion little things that are going on.  It was a wonderful, wonderful summer in Michigan.  Beautiful weather and lots of time to rest and relax.  Good thing because the month of October has been CRAZY !!!  We usually start our drive down to Florida the first or second of October. This year The Man's son, girlfriend and her 2 boys arrived the 29th of September and visited for a week.  That meant no packing the car until they left on October 5th.  It was a chaotic week to say the least.  The good thing was that DJ drove The Man to Florida and I got to fly home. It took them 3 days and it too me 6 hours. I consider that a win especially when I had 2 days all to myself to settle back in.  DJ flew back to Alaska and the circus came to town.  The day after DJ left, Florida's East Coast was hit by a hurricane. Fortunately it made landfall about an hour north of us so we didn't have any problems at all.  Good thing because the following week our refrigerator stopped working and we had no hot water.  Thankfully the land lord got the water situation fixed right away and as of today the refrigerator has been replaced. Only problems with both of those adventures is that I had to empty out the shed where the water heater is for that to get repaired and then empty out the fridge and freezer so the old fridge could go and a new one could come in for me to fill.  Of course The Man couldn't help, which I do understand, but it is hard for me to sweating while he sits and watches me while complaining about how cold he is.  

 In between all that we have been running to doctor appointments almost daily. There was one day when The Man had 4 different appointments at the VA hospital. When he made the appointments last year he THOUGHT it was a wonderful idea to schedule everything on the same day.  NOT !!!!!!! We arrived at the VA at 9:15 AM and got home at 4 PM.  Because The Man had so many appointments at different places in the HUGE hospital he decided he would get a wheel chair and I could push him around all day.  Lucky Lucky me !!!! It took two days for us to recover from that one day.  

Things are slowly quieting down, I HOPE, but I'm ready to go back to MI. At least up there the people have some semblance of intelligence.  Last week The Man had an appointment with his allergist. We left here in plenty of time, drove to the building where her office has been for the past 2 years, parked the car, took out the oxygen tank, got it all hooked up so that The Man could walk into the building, take the elevator to the second floor and walk all the way to her office at the far end of the hallway.  (The walking required several stops for The Man to catch his breath.)  When we got to the office door the lights were out and the sign was gone from the door.  Taped to the window in the door was a note saying, "WE HAVE MOVED".  It gave the address of the building next door.  The Man was not happy.  Back down to the car we went with him muttering the entire way.  I was in total agreement with him that you would think someone from the Dr's office should have called or sent a letter to tell patients about the move before they arrived at the locked door.   Anyway, back into the car, drive over to the next building, up the elevator to the third floor and walk all the way down the walk way.  This building has offices that are accessed from the outside, like a motel. We stepped out of the elevator only to find ourselves walking into a "river". The roof over the walkway was sagging down and water was dripping down onto the walk.  We had to walk through that to get to the door of the "new" office.  (Why would you move to such a dump?  Rent must have been pretty cheap.). Actually the "new" office used to be Quest Labs where I would often go to get blood work done.  I knew Quest had moved out but didn't realize who had moved in.  I knew the suite number from when I would go to the lab so I knew where we were going. Good thing !!  When we got to the door there was no number on the door and no sign saying who was inside. That gave The Man something else to grump about. He started complaining to the poor girl at the reception desk and she looked like she was ready to cry.  (Apparently we were not the only patients to complain.) Her response to The Man was, "What am I supposed to do?"  We suggested a piece of paper, a magic marker and some tape.  That was too much for her to process. 

It is now almost a week later and The Man is still talking about that day.  I'm just glad we are done with that appointment.  I need to rest up and gather my strength for my dentist visit on Wednesday when I will have a tooth pulled.   

It just keeps on getting better and better.  Michigan here I come !!!!!

GOING BANANAS

 Grocery shopping should not be this stressful.   When it takes two Valium and a pint of Vodka to give me enough "calm" to shop for groceries then I know I have a problem !  

I used to enjoy going to the grocery store and wandering up and down the aisles checking out new products and goodies. I always have my list and I usually manage to find everything that is on the list.  But then there are the other 30 things that I decide we REALLY need to buy.  My grocery bills are never under $100 and now-a-days I am happy if the bill is less than $200.   I am pretty good with checking prices and buying that which is not necessarily cheaper but is a better deal.  I enjoy the challenge. 

The Man has not been in a grocery store since the year 1200 BC.  He still thinks that a dozen eggs cost thirty five cents and a quart of milk is still twenty five cents.  He is shocked at the price of ice cream . . . EIGHT DOLLARS for a half gallon of ice cream ??????  This is one product that he cares about the price. Not that he is paying for the groceries but he likes to think he knows a bargain and a rip off when he sees one.  

Every time I go shopping, (which is at least once a week), The Man sits at the kitchen table waiting for my return.  (I love it when I can sneak in while he is napping) But usually he is sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to unload the bags.  With each bag I bring in I have to listen to him saying things like, "I thought you only had to get a FEW things", or, "Why did you get two of those? We'll never use two of those before we leave!"  or my all time favorite, "You do realize we are leaving here in . . . weeks".  It NEVER fails.  I have gotten really good at tuning him out and leaving things in the car until he is in bed or the bathroom before sneaking things in.  It's either that or a full blown war and I don't feel. like fighting over something as silly as groceries. 

But what really makes me crazy are the times when The Man asks me to pick up something for him.  Donuts are at the top of that list. I have no issue buying donuts because that is what he eats for breakfast every morning. morning, a Nutrition drink and 2 donuts.   Whatever !  But then there are times when he asks me to buy something and it sits here for 2 weeks before we throw it out.  BANANAS !!!!  That is at the top of that list.  Today as I was leaving You Know Who asked me to stop and pick up some bananas for him.  OK, No biggie.  I was going to the store anyway so picking up some bananas is no problem.  I bought Green bananas because I know they will sit in the kitchen on the counter top for the next two weeks until they turn brown.  We will be sitting in the kitchen and The Man will start flailing his arms around like a windmill gone wild.  "Damn Fruit Flies" he will start yelling. "Where are they coming from?  Do we have any fruit out?"  I will casually point to the now brown and rotting bananas.  

For some reason he finds it totally unrelated to the fact that these are the bananas that HE requested I buy. They have been staring at him for 2 full weeks and he has made no attempt to eat them. 

This drives me BANANAS !!!!! 

THINGS THAT GO BEEP BEEP BEEP IN THE NIGHT

 I LOVE my bed !   I LOVE to sleep !  I LOVE to snuggle down under the covers and dream my dreams !   I do NOT love being woken up in the middle of the night by "friends" texting me at 3:15 AM because they can't sleep.  And that is why we have silence mode on our cell phones !   Feel free to text me at any hour of the day or night because my phone will be turned off from the time I turn out my light until I decide to wake up and face a new day.  Occasionally I will forget to turn off the ringer but that doesn't happen often. And if it does it is my fault if I am woken up so no harm, no foul.  

What I can NOT control is the assortment of sounds that come from my partners various machines that are stuffed in the bedroom along side the bed.  The Man has no less than 5 different machines that have alarms and all of them seem to prefer to go off in the middle of the night.  Granted they are all attached to him so if the oxygen stops, or his heart stops there is an alarm to wake ME.  

Last night was one of those nights. The Man uses a Bi Pap machine at night. It is similar to a C pap machine, just more powerful. The problem is that because he needs to have a constant flow of oxygen so the machine needs to be connected to an oxygen concentrator. If the concentrator fails to work then the alarm on the concentrator goes off.  BEEP BEEP BEEP !!!  If the concentrator is not delivering oxygen to the Bi Pap machine then the Bi Pap machine's alarm goes off.  BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP !!!! If the concentrator AND the Bi Pap machine are both failing then his heart monitor goes off BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP !!!!!!!!!!!!!   

You know that these things never occur at 11 PM while we are still awake.  NO . . . .  it always waits until 2 or 3 AM when we are in a dead sleep.  It is like the fire drills they had when I was in college living in the dorm.  You had just fallen asleep when the alarm would start blaring.  With luck you were not hung over, just exhausted but you had to get out of bed and out of the dorm until the drill was over.  

Now I am flying out of the bed, grabbing my hearing aids because I know The Man will be talking to me so I need to hear him.  Besides the hearing aids I have to grab the flash light so I can find my way to the light switch in order to see what the hell is going on.  All this time The Man is still asleep.  How this is possible I have no idea but it's true.  By the time I have ears in and can see where I am going The Man is now waking up and asking, "What's going on?".   My reply in my head is, "How the "F" do I know" but my mouth says, "I have no idea what's happening",  Now comes the fun part.   Trying to figure out at two in the morning where is the problem.  My brain has woken up immediately, The Man is still trying to figure out where he is, who he is and what is this strange woman doing in his room. As he begins to focus and realize where the noise is coming from he starts pulling plugs, adjusting wires, reading display screens, and throwing orders to me to get this, that and the other thing.  Now I am REALLY awake because I am roaming through the house searching for things he wants.  I get orders like, "get me the thing from the cabinet" . . .   Seriously !   When I question, "What Thing" and "What cabinet" I get a look that says I must be an idiot for not being able to KNOW exactly what it is he is talking about.  I am used to this by now and it doesn't bother me at all because I KNOW EXACTLY WHO the idiot is.  I patiently ask questions until I figure out what I am looking for and where I will find it. It's a great game but not at 2 AM. 

Needless to say I manage to keep it all under control, fix the problem and go back to sleep.  Knowing full well that in the morning when I get up I will get to relive the entire episode with The Man.  It will be the topic for the day, phone calls will be made to different companies to complain about their machines and The Man will be thinking about the problem all day trying to come up with ideas to help avoid this happening again.   I am the listener . . .  I will say nothing, I will not offer suggestions and I will write a blog about it because it really is pretty funny.   

OH,   and I will also take a nap.  

THE BAND - AID

 If ever you were to see the true nature of a man just watch what happens when he get a small cut. I'm not talking about loosing a leg or breaking every bone in his body, I'm talking about a paper cut or a bruise caused by bumping into something that breaks the skin ever so slightly so as to cause blood to appear.  Should this happen the world will come to a complete halt while medical attention is given to the injured.

This past week The Man bumped into something and broke the skin on his arm.  There was no GUSHING blood, only a small cut that, once he held a tissue on it for 3 seconds, it stopped bleeding.    There were no stitches or cast required but you would think he was in imminent danger of bleeding out.  Quite a fuss was being made on the part of The Man so I suggested he put a band-aid on it to protect it from getting opened up again.  The huge surprise to me was that he actually DID put a band-aid on and he did it himself.  Usually I would be called to administer aid but he handled it himself. Go Figure !   Fast forward to that evening . . .  I was sitting on the bed reading when YKW (You know who) came in needing medical advice.  Should he shower with the band-aid on or take it off.  (Big decisions like this usually  require us to call all of our acquaintances and get their thoughts but I figured we could handle this one alone.). I suggested he leave the band-aid on until after his shower and then put a clean, dry bandage on.  That seemed to make him happy so off he went to shower.   When he came out of the bathroom he had a new band-aid in his hand and asked me to put it on for him.  (I didn't bother to ask why he couldn't do this himself since he had put the first bandage on his own, I just said "Sure!").  I had my glasses on and the lights were on in the bedroom but in spite of all this I could not see where I should put the band-aid.  Aside from a large bruise on his arm I could not tell where the cut was.  My indecision caused The Man to get all excited because I could NOT see where to put the band-aid so he started pointing to where it should go.  I really didn't think he had the right spot but hey, his arm not mine so I'll do what he wants.  Band-aid was on, it was time to go to sleep.

The following day we had to go to a hospital for The Man's monthly infusion of gamma globulin to boost his immune system.  We arrived at the hospital infusion center, got settled in, connected to the IV and ready to spend the next 2 hours relaxing.  As I was sitting next to YKW I see him picking at the band-aid on his arm.  He was attempting to get the band-aid unstuck from the hair on his arm without opening up the cut.  As I'm watching this I notice that there is a scab just above where the bandage is.  It is totally healed up so I'm thinking maybe he had 2 cuts on his arm?  With that one of the nurses comes over to ask if YKW would like her to get some ointment to help get the band-aid off painlessly. Of Course we do !!!  Within two minutes she has applied the magic cream and painlessly pealed of the stupid bandaid much to the joy of The Man.  I'm sitting watching this and as the band-aid finally lets go it reveals the un broken skin of The Man's arm with a scabbed over cut just above where the bandage was.  The whole time "Dr. Kildare" was worrying about his cut getting covered so it wouldn't bleed he had the band-aid on the wrong spot !!!!!

I did NOT mention this to him !   It is better to just shake my head and think about the blog I will write about this. 

MOUSE !!!!!! IN THE HOUSE

 It is no big surprise that there are mice living here.  It is a farm, we have a barn, a milk house, a garage and a house.  All of these buildings are packed with "crap" that has accumulated over the years.  The barn is empty except for the straw on the floor and a pen or two for sheep. (The sheep have been long gone from this residence but their memory remains.)  The barn is dark so a great number of creatures have taken up residence there.  The milk house has 2 large garbage cans filled with the corn we feed to the deer, a large bag of bird seed for the bird feeders and a large bag of sunflower seeds that are fed to the turkeys. The garage is jam packed with junk and furniture, all of which are perfect places for small critters to make them selves comfortable.  As for the house . . .  well you got to read about the red squirrel incident a few months ago so you know all the other critters are looking for a nice warm place to call home.  The 3 bird feeders right outside the back door are an all you can eat buffet for anything that flies or walks.  Because birds do not have very good manners they spill more seeds on the ground than they get into their bellies.  As a result this "Golden Coral" style buffet we have attracted 2 chipmunks, a ground squirrel, (which looks like a chipmunk but has different stripes), 4 rabbits and the 6 turkeys who will come right up onto the steps outside the sliding glass door.   

So is it any surprise that we have mice ?

The Man hates mice !!  Every summer he starts out with a plan to kill all the mice.  I personally have only seen about 2 mice since I have been coming up here the past 7 years.  To me that is not a panic situation but in The Man's head it is armageddon.  Man the life boats and batten down the hatches, there are mice in the neighborhood.  He has traps, poison, sticky paper and anything else he can think of.  He is armed and ready to go to war.  

We have seen NO mice all summer !  Not even one little one.  Nada,  None !!!!!

Until yesterday . . .    As is my routine after dinner, I went out into my favorite room, aka the parlor, aka the living room.  I am the only person who takes advantage of this large cozy room. I have my crafts out there, my books and my newspaper puzzles.  Each evening I leave The Man sitting at the kitchen table watching the news and I escape to my inner sanctum.  Last night I was reading in the big blue armchair when You Know Who popped in to say he was going to shower and then head for bed. We chatted for a few seconds when he said, "Do you have a rag? Or something??"  I had no idea why he needed a rag and I did not have one anyway.  He is now getting rather agitated and once again tells me he needs a rag.  I realize something is going on so I put down my book, get out of the chair and walk across the room to where he is standing.  By now he is practically dancing up and down but can't go further into the room because he is at the end of his oxygen hose.  He is now yelling about get a rag, get a rag !!  As he is pointing toward the far wall.  I look over and see the smallest mouse I have ever seen just sitting there. I swear this mouse was as small as a new born babies fist.  It was ADORABLE !!!  (At least I thought it was).  I turned back to The Man and asked him what he wanted me to do.  "Throw something over it" he says. I walked toward the mouse and it started to walk, not run, along the base of the wall toward a. large pile of crap that is piled in the corner.  All the The Man can say is, "Get it! Get it !!  Don't let it get away!"  As if this tiny little thing is going to go anywhere or do anything.  From the panic in The Man's voice you would think we were dealing with a 300 pound wombat !  (I'm not sure what a wombat is but I like the way it sounds.)

I carefully unload the corner and there is the little mouse curled up in the corner hoping no one will see him.   I reached down and picked him up by his tail and took him outside where I left him in some tall grass so he wouldn't become a snack for an eagle.  I honestly doubt an eagle would even be able to see the little guy, he was tiny.  When I returned into the house The Man wanted to know what I did with the mouse so I told him it was out in the woods.  

Fast forward to this morning when guess who was up on our patio steps looking for food.  Yup, Little mouse, even more adorable than he was last night.  We had to go out for the morning so mouse was put on hold and was soon forgotten by Mouse Killer.   After we returned home The Man went in for his afternoon nap and I went out into the garden to tie up some tomato plants and water everything.  I had left the hose lying on the ground so as I bent down to pick it up guess who was all curled up between the layers of hose?  Poor little thing !  He looked scared and hungry and I really just wanted to pick him up again and bring him in the house to I could take care of him.  But I know better.  So I did the next best thing.  I put a large open glass jar on the ground up against the house in back of a tomato plant.  I put some corn in the jar and left it right where little mouse had run to after being evicted from the hose.  

I have no idea if the little guy will make it but at least I know I tried.  Of course if he does make it and grow to be a big mouse The Man will only end up hunting and killing him.   Poor little mouse !!!

IT MIGHT BE A MITE

 Living in the country for the summer presents me with a lot of "free" time.  I LOVE that !   But being the type of person who always feels the need to be doing something I find myself involved in some crazy projects.  I have cleaned off the work bench in the garage, sorting tools and rearranging lots of junk. There were the 2 summers I spent "organizing" all the crap in the small garage so that The Man could have a yard sale. (That never happened).  Then there was the summer that The Man decided he wanted to sell a bunch of stuff so I took pictures and posted them on Facebook Market Place.  That was a HUGE pain in the butt thanks to all the dealings with crazy people and having to ship all the crap once it was bought. The Man finally decided that it really wasn't worth all HIS time so that project was scrapped. 

This year is the Year of The Turkey.   For the last several years I have entertained myself with collecting feathers that the wild turkeys, sand cranes and numerous small birds have dropped.  It is incredible how many feathers I collect on any given day.   The turkeys should be totally bald considering how many of their feathers I have collected over the past 3 years.  It's been a great way of getting myself out side and  wandering all over the property.  But there are only so many feathers that I can display in vases, cups and glasses before the house is over run with them.  I have taken a bunch to Florida to display down there. We had feathers in every room of the house and I still had bags and bags full of all different colors and sizes.  I couldn't just throw them out so I decided I was going to make a turkey feather wreath.  The wreath is almost done but I have NO idea where I will put it since it turned out to be MASSIVE.   I think it's pretty awesome but that's only because I made it. 

Getting back to my collecting of feathers . . .   We will be sitting in the kitchen looking out on the back of the property and Eagle Eye Man will spot a feather way out in the field.  He has the eyes of a hawk.  I can't see the field no less a feather lying on the grass.  But out I go as he directs he toward the feather.  It's a fun game.  Each day I take a long walk around to see what I can find. Some days there are no feathers, some days I need a bag to put them all in. 

 The turkeys have a set route that they take each day so I usually start there. Another good spot to find feathers is on the driveway out to the mail box.  It seems that the turkeys walk back and forth through the woods crossing the drive way in a couple of places. I usually find at least one feather along there.

The other day I was walking out to the mail box late in the afternoon when I say a big feather right on the driveway.  As I picked it up I noticed a beautiful white feather in the woods, just a few feet from where I was.  I don't normally go into the woods because of ticks and snakes and bears but this feather was too good to pass up. I walked the couple of feet into the woods, picked up the feather and then continued on to the mail box.  When I returned to the house with the mail and my 2 prize feathers I put everything on the. kitchen table where The Man was sitting.  I sat down opposite him as we went through the mail. Seconds later my arm started to itch, then my neck, then my head and back. I looked down at the table and saw a bunch of teeny tiny dots moving around on the table surface.  I told the man we had bugs on the table and he of course told me I was wrong.  I started trying to squish the little buggers but they wouldn't die no mater how hard I pressed on them.  That made me start thinking maybe they were fleas.  But where would fleas come from?  I finally got old Eagle Eye to see the bugs and he pronounced that they were fruit flies.  The facts that they were tan and fruit flies are black,  these bugs had NO wings so they could not fly, and there was NO fruit anywhere that they would have come in on, Sherlock Holmes still insisted that the bugs were fruit flies.  All this transpired while I continued to itch and scratch. I got some rubbing alcohol and tried killing them with that.  No luck !  So I went for the big guns and got the can of insect spray. As I was spraying the table and chair The Man said, "Maybe they came in on one of the feathers."   DUH !!!!!   Sure enough, the. beautiful white feather was teaming with little bugs.  I grabbed the feather and threw it out the door and then sprayed the hell out of it and the rest of the kitchen.  Next I went into the shower and got all the bugs off me while The Man took my clothes and washed them in a HOT water wash in the washing machine.  

Thankfully we seem to have killed every last one of the little buggers but I couldn't stop thinking about what they were.  I went on line and googled Bird Feather Mites and sure enough there they were looking exactly like what was crawling all over the feather.   How I ever thought of the word "mite" is beyond me.  Thankfully out of the 3 types of bird mites these were the least problematic.  They are harmless to humans and were easy to kill.   Why this one particular feather was crawling with them I don't know.  Maybe because it was in the woods ?  Who knows !  But now every time I pick up a feather I look at it VERY closely to make sure it doesn't have any hitch hikers on it.  

As for the lovely white feather . . . I burned it in the fire pit !

DOG DAYS OF SUMMER ?

 Today is August 20th and I am freezing.  If it is supposed to be summer then the dog is a St. Bernard and I want him to show up with his cask of Brandy to help warm me up and cheer me up.  

As is typical of the UP the weather is insane.  It has been a VERY strange spring and summer and I'm quite tired of it.  Good thing I have my winter wardrobe up here because I have gotten a lot of use out of my jeans and sweat shirts.  Don't tell me it is because of climate change because the climate up here has apparently ALWAYS been like this.  Boiling one day, freezing the next. All that this has done for me is that I just want to stay in bed with a good book and nap. 

We started out our "summer" in Michigan with days and days of pouring rain.  May here was mud month. It was too cold and wet to even think about a garden. I was anxious to get my tomato and pepper plants started but the weather just wasn't cooperating.  I finally decided it was now or never so I got 2 tomato plants and 2 pepper plants at Home Depot.  Last year I bought my veggie plants at Home Depot and they went bananas !  I had more peppers and tomatoes than I could ever use.  I shared as many as possible with neighbors but we were still over run.  Even with the bunny nibbling on them I still had way more than I needed or wanted.  So this year I had high hopes of another bumper crop.    NOT !!!!  I planted my veggies in pots of new potting soil outside in the sun. I put some plant food in the soil and sat back to wait for my vast harvest.    The tomato plants grew but only had a few tomatoes on them.  The pepper plants never increased in size more than an inch or two and only produced ONE pepper on one plant and  whopping TWO peppers on the second plant.  The peppers are just hanging there, not getting bigger or turning yellow like they were supposed to.  My " garden" was a total flop ! With the exception of the tomato plants that are growing out of the foundation.  Last years bountiful crop reseeded itself along the foundation of the house and those plants are producing more tomatoes than the ones that I have nurtured all summer.  

So much for gardening this summer.   I think we had too much rain, not enough sun and it was too cold at night for the plants to flourish.  Even June and July were grey, chilly and windy.  Every so often God would give us a wonderful sunny day just to give us hope.  I have worn more flannel and sweats this summer than I did for the entire winter in Florida for the past 10 years.  

And then it was August and my son and his 3 kids flew up to MI from their home in south Florida.  It was such a brutally hot summer in Florida I thought they would really enjoy some cool weather.  Funny joke ! The 3 days that they were here at the farm the temperatures were in the high 80's and it was sunny and humid.  Me and my plants were burning to death.  It was so uncomfortably hot that we had all the air conditioners in the house cranking full speed.  Then on the day my family left the temperatures dropped and the clouds rolled in again.  Since then we have had days of clouds that tease us with a peek at the sun every so often.  The sun pops out and I think, "Hooray ! I'm going outside!"  Then just as I walk out the door the clouds gather and I find myself in a rain shower.  Just enough to make me wet and cold but not enough to water my plants.

All of this crazy weather has only added to my desire to crawl into bed and read and sleep.  I have ZERO ambition to do anything.  Because I am feeling so washed out I have read about ten books so far this summer.  I have my favorite spots to read and I have given equal time to each of them.  My one favorite reading spot is outside under the huge Maple tree. Sad to say that I have only sat there about 3 times this summer.  It is either too cold, too hot or too wet to want to sit out there.  Also all the rain has increased the mosquito population so even when I get a few hours of sunshine the mosquitoes are too much to want to put up with.  

The dog days of summer this year are pretty mangy.  Think of the old, scruffy mutt that is lying in the gutter of a city slum.   That's what this summer looks like.  I'm ready for summer to be over. 

CAPPUCCINO CHAOS

 I am tired today.  I have been getting lazier and lazier by the day. I am blaming it on the weather.  One day it's 80 degrees and the next day it is 63.  I get up in the morning and have no idea what to wear because no one knows what the weather will decide to do each day.  Forget the local news station. The weather guy has charts and graphs and all sorts of illustrations. He talks a million miles an hour so that by the end of the weather report we are even more confused than before.  It makes for interesting times.  Luckily we have very little to do that requires us to be dependent on the weather.  If it's raining hard we just stay home. If it's too hot we stay home. If it's too cold we stay home.  We stay home A LOT !!!

But today was a pulmonary therapy day for The Man. I have to set my alarm on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that we can leave the house by 9:30 AM to drive 40 minutes for an 11:00 AM appointment. (Do the math) I get up at 8:15, The Man's alarm goes off at 7:00.  We drive the 40 miles to the PT class but since we are ALWAYS 45 minutes early we stop at the beach to check out the lake and The Man stops to pee somewhere along the way.  Hurry, Hurry Hurry and Wait.  Whatever !!!  It's only twice a week so most days I can talk. myself into getting up and going out.

This morning was an exception.  I spent a good part of last night doing battle with my C Pap mask.  I HATE the damn thing. It drives me NUTS !!!  Every time I move the mask shifts and the air starts to leak. That causes the machine to blow even harder so I wake up being slapped in the face with twenty mile and hour winds.  Of course it is dark in the bedroom so I can't see what the hell I am doing so I just rip off the mask. Get out of bed, walk into the bathroom and turn on the light so I can figure out where the problem is.  By then I'm half awake so it takes me a half hour to get back to sleep.  Only to have the mask do the same thing about an hour later.  As a result of this ongoing battle I was TIRED when my alarm went off at 8:15.  I never hit the snooze button but today was an exception.  That snooze button is a cruel joke.  You think, "Ahhhhh, I've got ten more minutes to sleep" when in reality it takes you 5 minutes to fall back to sleep because you keep thinking about that alarm going off again.  As a result that 5 minutes of sleep is just a tease and you feel worse when the damn thing goes off again.  

This morning, as a result of all this, I turned into the creature from the Dark Lagoon.  Washing my face didn't help. Eating some breakfast didn't help, sitting in the car for an hour didn't help. In fact the car ride this morning made me just want to tip the seat back and take a long snooze.  But that doesn't happen because The Man is chatting away about what ever is aggravating him today or he has the radio turned on to the country music station and is singing along.  Yeeeeee Haaaaaaa .   

By the time we got to PT I was ready to park the car and crawl into the back seat for a little nap.  But then I got thinking that I really should go to the beach and walk, except it really wasn't that great a day for beach walking.  Second choice is to go to Jacks Grocery store just down the road and walk around the store.  There is always something I need to pick up so the time won't be wasted.   Next to the bakery at Jacks I love their French Vanilla Cappuccino. I had been treating myself to one every time I went to Jacks but for the past month I just wasn't in the mood.   TODAY I NEEDED a Cappuccino !!!  That will wake me up for sure !   I bought a large cappuccino and was feeling pretty good walking around the store taking small sips as I  picked up a few items. When I checked the time I realized I hand better get back to PT to pick up The Man.  The store was unusually crowded today so I went to the cigarette counter check out.  I only had 6 items which they were happy to ring up for me.  I had gotten one of the small shopping carts so as I went to move my cappuccino out of the cart for the packing boy to put in my groceries I picked up the foam cup and the cap came off in my hand and the LARGE, almost full cup of hot, sweet, sticky Cappuccino started to fall. I naturally tried to catch it which resulted in me being covered in hot, sweet, sticky liquid as it fell to the floor and spread across the aisle. My purse was soaked, my shirt and pants were soaked, my phone was dripping and my credit card that was in my hand would no longer work in the machine because it too was covered in hot, wet, sweet, sticky cappuccino !!!    A good time was had by all who witnessed my acrobatic act. I got a standing ovation and won a gold medal.   There was nothing I could do but apologize over and over as the cashier handed me a roll of paper towels.  The packing boy was super sweet and kept telling me not to worry as he was on his hands and knees wiping up the floor.  I refused to make eye contact with any of the people on line in back of me.  I paid for my stuff, grabbed it all and headed for the ladies room to take a bath in the sink. After that I went back to the deli and ordered myself another cappuccino. It was delicious and worth every penny. And it woke me up for sure!

Once I got home I had to really wash up and change. My sneakers are still squishy and stick to the floor as I walk.  But I do smell good . . .   if you like cappuccino.  

THE LIGHTS ARE ON BUT NOBODY IS HOME

 If you have ever been married you are probably familiar with that blank look on your spouses face when you are talking to him.  You know he is standing there but you also know that nothing you are saying is getting through to his brain.  You might say that the lights are on . . . he is alive,  but no one is home. . .  his brain is dead.  In my vast experience, (not really), I have found this to be true of most men.  They are like Pavlova's dogs . . .  the minute they hear your voice they shut down. Nothing gets in.  I find this to be most aggravating and frustrating.  

Think back to when your relationship was new.   Remember when you could talk for hours with this person You would speak, they would listen.  They would speak and you would listen.  Well forget it !  Now you can speak all you want but no one hears you because the light may be on but NO ONE IS HOME !

I guess it really isn't fair to complain about men not listening. After all we women have also learned to "not listen" or rather I should say, we have learned how to not react.  I can go all day just saying "really" or "how about that" or even "Of course dear" when I have absolutely NO idea what the hell The Man is babbling about.  We hear them talking but we choose not to react verbally.  This happens for 2 reasons.  First is that we usually find that what they are talking about is either not important or boring.  They can go on for days telling you about something that you have absolutely no interest in.  Do I REALLY care about how to catch a fish, what bait to use, what sort of lure to use, how to know where to fish for a particular type of fish?  The second reason we do not react is that we are too busy in our heads screaming, "SHUT UP YOU MORON !", or what ever your usual choice of name calling is for your particular person.  I will not share my preferred "in head" screams.  Just know they are not nice.  

I will say that I do not get as aggravated at The Man as I used to with Husband. I think I have matured, mellowed and medicated with pills that keep me from reacting to the idiotic things that men do. 

I have also found that the older we get the more we realize that the lights are getting dimmer by the day.  It is super hard to have a conversation with an eggplant. They just sit there.  It is harder to have a conversation with a man because he is usually talking nonsense or can't remember what he was talking about.  The worst is when The Man is half listening and goes off on a tirade about something that he thought you said.  In this instance I just sit quietly and chuckle to myself. If I try to straighten out what I said and what he heard it just becomes impossible because he really doesn't remember what I said.  It's an endless circle of confusion.

I would like to think that my lights are still on and shining brightly but then I do something totally stupid like forgetting to bring in the groceries from the car for 2 days. That's when I know that I am dimming at just as fast a speed as he is. That isn't usually a problem except for the meat and ice cream.  It is pretty chilly up here but not quite cold enough to keep ice cream from melting. 

TURKEY TROT

 When my 2 youngest kids were in college the school had an annual "Turkey Trot" race.  I remember both of them participating in it, getting tee shirts and who knows what else.  I believe it was a fund raiser for something but I can't remember what.  

I now have my own "Turkey Trot" but thankfully it is not a race.  Any day that I have the least bit of extra energy I head outside to circumvent the property to collect more turkey feathers.  I have quite a collection right now after collecting them for the past 3 years.  I don't know where the turkeys were hiding before that but the flock is certainly growing.  Yesterday we had 8 of them running across the field to get up here for the corn and sunflower seeds.  On today's journey I found a half of a grocery bag of feathers.  All sizes and all colors.  On a really good day I might even find an eagle feather to add to the collection.  

My collection is about to get unruly . . .  I have filled all the vases I could find with the large feathers.  The smaller and fuzzier feathers are in a large box which is just about overflowing.  It's time to get serious and start my wreath.   I went to You Tube and could not believe the number of videos there are to teach you how to make a turkey feather wreath.  Here I was thinking I was the first person on earth to think of this. Apparently not.  The videos are actually pretty interesting. The major dispute of creators of this craft is what to use as a frame.  Some favor grape vine wreaths, others prefer styrofoam.  There was even one video that had a very talented person draw out in detail exactly what they wanted their wreath to look like. I don't see myself doing that !   I was just planning on a styrofoam circle and a glue gun and let my "creative" talent flow.  I expect the end result will be something we will either throw out or hang in the garage.  But then again, I hope I will surprise myself.  Just think, I will be the first person in my Florida neighborhood to have a home made turkey feather wreath. 

I enjoy my daily walk around the farm looking for feathers.  Today I needed to push myself to get out there and move.  We had a busy weekend and I am pooped. Youngest son, Kent, flew up here with his 3 kids.  I had a ball and I think the kids enjoyed themselves.  The big hit of the weekend was the side by side. All the kids had turns driving it all around.  There were a few tense moments on Friday afternoon and Saturday when Dwayne had to tell the kids to slow down and be a bit more aware of what they were doing.  It wasn't a big deal for us or the kids but I think my son had a problem with it.  Tough ! Grandma's house, Grandma's rules.  The kids were great and a huge help.  They fed the animals for us, corn for the deer, turkeys and sand cranes.  Sunflower seeds for dessert for the turkeys.  Even the chipmunks got fed some corn.  Grey,(10), helped me cook dinner Friday and make breakfast pancakes on Sunday.  Wynn and Smith were great and went all out gathering wood for the bon fire on Saturday night.  They even cooked some marshmallows for grandma and The Man's s'mores.   It was a fun weekend but I plan on taking a nap every day this week to recover. 

As for The Man, he was a very gracious host and did a great job staying calm.  Once he got over the idea that there would be 4 air conditioners running he settled down.  I may get his electric bill handed to me once it arrives.  Naturally this weekend was the hottest day in the history of the UP.  Hazy, HOT and Humid.  It was very uncomfortable so I took my family to an iron mine for a tour where the temperature is 47 degrees.   It was wonderful.  From there we went for a swim in Lake Michigan which was quite delightful.  The Man just stayed home in the air conditioning where he could breathe. By the time the kids left yesterday the heat broke, a cool breeze started blowing across the farm and we were back to normal UP weather.  Today was cloudy and cool, perfect napping weather.  

Tomorrow I will take all the sheets, pillowcases and towels and head for the laundromat for a couple of hours of laundry therapy.  I've got a good book, $40 in quarters so I'm ready to go.  The cleaning girl will arrive on Wednesday to do damage control on the house so by Thursday we should be back to normal. 

I hate to admit it but we are getting old.  Any change in our daily "routine" sets us back for days. I can't wait for the day when my kids are old and they realize just how tired their parents were during these "Golden" years.  Luckily I have a good supply of Aspirin, Ibuprofen, Tylenol and Excedrin.  I like to switch it up to keep my body pain free.  

OF MEN AND MICE

 For the past 2 days I have been walking around muttering, "Are you kidding me?".  I will not speak these words out loud because you know who is the reason I am muttering.  Where to begin . . .  

I guess I'll start with 2 days ago when I started getting ready for my youngest child, Kent, and his 3 kids to come visit from Florida.  They are only coming for the weekend but beds need to be made and food needs to be bought.  Actually the beds need to be blown up before they can be made.   The house has 3 bedrooms. One of them is up stairs and has nothing in it.  Apparently The Man and his wife emptied it out when the kids left and have not gone up to the attic since.  That leaves 2 working bedrooms.  One is the one we sleep in and the other is my "closet".  Because The Man has his closet and dresser filled in the "master" bedroom I have taken over the dresser and closet in the second bedroom.  There is a bed in this room which guests have used but usually what we do is blow up 2 queen size beds in the parlor so our guests can have a large space to spread out in.   

But today we have 4 guests.  Kent, the ten year old twins and 14 year old Smith.   I offered "my Closet room" to Smith because I know how teenagers like their privacy.  The Man was not happy with this decision of mine because it meant one more air conditioner would be running.  Of all the all the days I have ever spent in the UP I have never felt 2 days as hot as these past 2 days.  Usually it might be warm for a couple of days in the summer but most of the time it is in the mid 70's with that wonderful cool breeze coming off the lake.  Yesterday and today were like living in South Florida.  Almost 90 degrees, not a breath of air moving and HUMID !  It is air conditioner weather for sure.  All the rooms have an AC unit up on the wall that is controlled by a clicker.  You can have just one running or all 4 cranking at the same time. Option number 2 makes the most sense to me . . .  get all four working at minimum power and the house stays cool.  The Man wants just the AC in the room he is in to be on.  That means closing doors.  Have you ever lived in a house with 3 kids who never closed a door in their lives ?????  

But I have gotten ahead of myself.   Returning to the blow-up beds.  I blew up bed #1.  No problem.  I turned on the motor for the pump on bed #2 and it ran for 2 seconds, started to smell like burning rubber and it quit.  Now I have a blow-up bed with no blower.   No worries.  I got out the vacuum. This is the point that The Man walked into the room "TO HELP".  I explained the problem and told him I was going to use the vacuum to blow up the bed.  I was told that can't be done. "The vacuum sucks IN and I need it to blow out."  I just ignored him because trying to explain what I was doing was fruitless.   I opened the vacuum, too the hose off the outside of the machine and connected the hose to the exhaust.  The Man was silent.  Unfortunately it did not work because I couldn't get the hose to match up with the bed valve.  It was then that The Man actually used his brain and suggested the small portable motor we bought to inflate beach floats.  I had forgotten we had one in MI but knew exactly where it was.  Voila !!!!  Instant bed blowing.  The entire time I was inflating the bed I was being "assisted" by you know who.  I wanted to blow him up by the time we were done.  When we finished I was ready to sit and recover for a bit but I still had to make the beds, get the pillows and blankets and set up the room.  The Man went to take a nap.

Fast forward a couple of hours and I am rummaging around in the pantry closet for who knows what while wondering what the odd smell is emanating from the pantry.  The Man walks by and says, "I noticed a smell in the pantry earlier today. WE need to find it."   OK, "WE" all know what "we" means.  And so I began to dig.  Now earlier that day I had rummaged around for something quick to eat for breakfast as we drove to Manistique.  I found an old box of Pop Tarts and took out one package of them.  The package was sealed and intact and the Pop Tart was toasted and tasty.   Now the same day I am looking for something that stinks and it seems to be coming from the Pop Tart box.   Sure enough when I look at the packages in the box several of them are CHEWED OPEN.   YUCK !!!!!  A mouse has been in the box eating the very same pop tarts that I ate for breakfast.   Not only that but when I took the box outside to toss the tainted breakfast treats guess what I found in the bottom of the box ?   A DEAD MOUSE !!!!!! He was quite cute but also quite dead.  Thus the stink !!! 

The thought that I had eaten one of the "poisoned" treats almost made me throw up.   The only thing I could think of to do was to come in the house and have a shot or two of Jack Daniels.  Which is exactly what I did !!!  Alcohol to kill any nasty whatever that may have contaminated my breakfast.  After a couple of shots I didn't care what I had eaten or what The Man had to say.  

Z O O O O O O M

 I do like to zoom.  Zoom as in going fast in a car or on my little side-by-siide, (which can reach a top speed of about 20 miles an hour. But it seems much faster.)  I just came in from zooming around the property checking it out for the night.   Critters are fed, garbage has been taken out and the mail has been brought in.  I even took the 6 one gallon jugs of water to put on my plants out by the apple trees and in the tree stumps.  I am zooming . . . 

I planted impatiens by the wagon wheel out by the other driveway and the rabbit is really enjoying them.  But I continue to water them with hopes that the rabbit will forget they are there.  HA!   The big tree stumps have marigolds growing out of them and they look great.  We planted some marigolds there last year and they reseeded themselves.  Apparently Marigolds can live anywhere. I have proof of that with all the marigolds growing out of the foundation of the house.  And The Man wonders why we have water in the cellar.

But now I am done with MY zooming and am ready to sit and tell you about The Man's zooming. 

A couple of weeks ago The Man got an email from his military banking institution.  It told him that they were having a "Zoom" meeting on this date at 6:00 PM.  The session would be about Senior finances, investing and wills.  The Man got all excited about the seminar and signed up to be included in the session.  Meanwhile The Man does not have a working computer but he thought he could join on his phone or tablet.  I said NOTHING !   He was all happy with himself so who am I to burst his bubble.  The fact that he and I went to one of these meetings about 6 years ago and learned NOTHING that pertained to us did not enter into his mind.  We both have all our finances and investments and wills in order so why would you waste your time listening to another spiel that will undoubtedly want to sell you something ??  I have no interest in wasting 2 hours listening to someone going on about finances when I can be sitting out here under my maple tree keeping cool and writing my blog.  AND being eaten by mosquitos.  It's still cooler out here than it is in the house.  (The Man is very stingy with his Air Conditioning.)

Anyway . . .   Six O'clock arrived and The Man was ready to zoom . . .   NOT !!  I knew this would become my problem and sure enough it did.  First he didn't know what to do with the email that he got saying the zoom would begin in an hour.  (That was sent at 5:00)  He handed me the phone and waited for me to get him all set up.  Now I can do a lot on my computer but on his phone is another story.  I had no idea where to start so I just did what I always do . . .  start pushing buttons and clicking on anything and everything on the phone screen.  NOTHING !!   He is sitting right next to me watching my every move and telling me not to mess up his phone.  I asked him if he wanted the camera activated on his phone and he wanted to know why.  I explained that Zoom was a video call.  He wanted no part of that !  I did not ask why we were doing this if he wasn't going to participate in the group.  He said NOTHING!  In the end I could not figure out how to get into this mess so The Man decided he really wasn't interested in the seminar anyway and went back to watching TV.  

It is now 45 minutes since the whole debacle and I am still thinking about how to get into a zoom call on his phone.  Does he care in the least?  NO !   So why is it still in my head ?  I have decided that the entire issue came from his lousy internet connection and his cheap phone.  Whatever . . .   

G A S

There is gas and then there is GAS.  If only the two were interchangeable I would never have to fill my car with gasoline.  We really need to find a way to harness the "power" of gas emitted from all species. (Do ants have gas?)  I think of those poor cows in Scandinavia whose owners are being taxed because of the gas the cows poof into the. atmosphere.  I mean . . . REALLY . . .  You're going to tax farts ????? They better not do that to humans or I will be broke in a matter of days. 

 Maybe we have just discovered what killed the dinosaurs.  Think of all the gas being produced by the grass eating ones. I mean, those suckers were BIG !!!!!! With all that methane gas coming out of a Brontosaurus it's no wonder they all died off.  And think about T Rex's diet . . . OMG that guy didn't need to eat the other dinosaurs he just needed to let loose a few toots and the entire population with in 100 miles would be dead.  

What got me thinking about the "problems" of gas is a phone call I received at 11:30 last night.  I usually would have my phone turned off by then but we were still watching TV so I hadn't put it on silent mode yet.  When your phone rings after 10 PM you can pretty much guarantee someone is in trouble or totally drunk.  Since my kids know better than to wake their mother after ten at night and not before ten in the morning I knew all was well with them.   I honestly thought I was getting a call from Dwaynes son in Alaska. There's a four hour difference so we often get calls at crazy times if the beer is flowing.  But when I looked at the caller ID I saw that it was the assisted living place where my cousin Lu Lu is living. That could only mean one thing . . .  TROUBLE !   

At 93 I understand there are always causes for alarm. Lu has fallen several times, she has had UTI's that put her in the hospital, she has bad arthritis in her back and she no longer has any strength in her legs so she can't walk.  Her doctor says her heart is strong so she will probably outlive all of us. 

The lady on the phone was very nice and trying her best to not alarm me.  (She must be new because we have been through this drill MANY times so I do not get upset or panicky because it is usually nothing except Lu Lu wants attention.)  The nice lady went on to apologize for the late hour but because I am the contact person I get the call.  I asked what was the problem and she proceeded to explain that LU was just taken to the hospital because she had stomach and back pain.  Now I KNEW there was nothing to worry about because that is a common complaint from my cousin.  (Maybe if she stopped drinking martini's every night she might not have stomach problems.  You Think ?).   I thanked the lady for contacting me and told her I would be in touch with the hospital. She then asked me if I was "local".  I explained that I was in Michigan for the summer. She didn't like that answer because the next thing she said was, "well what do we do with Lu Lu's dog?"   (My first thought was shoot it but I didn't say that.). I suggested she call Lu Lu's aide and discuss the problem with her.  (Wasn't I smart to think of that !).  I thanked her for the call and hung up.  I texted the aide and told her what was going on and asked her to keep me up to date.  And then I went to sleep and slept like a baby. 

This morning I received a text from the aide . . . " Good morning.  Lu Lu is back at her room.  Most likely she just had gas. "

SOME BODY

 Do you have a "Somebody" living in your house ?  Somebodies are related to "It Wasn't Me" & "I Don't Know".   I believe they are first cousins but I couldn't swear to that. I have a Somebody living in my home and he/she really is getting into a lot of trouble lately. Just the other day "Somebody" wiped their face on The Man's towel and left a smear of tooth paste on it.  The Man came out of the bathroom with his towel and asked me to wash it because "Somebody" had smeared toothpaste on it.  

There are only TWO people living in this house and I KNOW I didn't do it.  I guess it must have been "Wasn't Me" who was in our bathroom brushing his teeth.  The funny thing is that The Man is completely serious when he says these things.  I have my own towel so why would I use his ?  (The idea of that nauseates me.  I wouldn't touch that towel with a ten foot pole. I use tongs to pick it up to throw it in the wash.). But Somebody did use HIS towel.  Big Mystery there!     This is only one incident in life here in MI.  A couple of days ago "Somebody" left the seat down on The Man's lawnmower.  I have NEVER ridden on his lawnmower nor will I ever ride on his lawnmower.   First and foremost is because it is HIS lawnmower and God Forbid I ever ran over something or did something wrong.  I would not want to experience his immediate reaction to that.  So the idea that I may have "left" the seat down after riding his mower is just absurd.  Who is the ONLY person to ride the mower????   Yup,  Somebody did it again.  Somebody forgets to charge his phone and then gets all pissed because it is dead.   Somebody leaves open the valve on his oxygen tanks so when he goes to use the tank it is empty.   SOMEBODY DID THAT !!!

I don't need a Somebody in my world.  If I screw up I admit it.  Like leaving the sprinkler on all night. Yes indeed . . . That was me.  OOPS !    Although to be completely honest I did not tell The Man about the small dent I put in the back bumper when I backed into a pole in a parking lot.  He has yet to notice th e dent but if he does I will definitely call upon  "Wasn't Me" and "Somebody".

The only times Somebody shows up in my life is when something appears from nowhere.  The other day I walked into the garage and there were 2 bags of corn sitting there.  I came into the house and said, "Somebody put corn in our garage."   Since I knew I didn't put it there and I also knew The Man had not put it there because he is never more than 20 feet away from me.    Turns out that Somebody was one of our neighbors who heard we were running low on corn for the deer.   I love these people up here.. 

The Man does have a dual personality though.  The he is not Somebody he becomes "Wasn't Me!" If I ask who took the tissue box outside "Wasn't me" has no idea what I'm talking about.  He honestly does not remember doing things even though I see him.  Along with that problem we have "You Never Told Me That!"   I think you never told me that is here more often than any of the others.  I am often tempted to keep the recording app open on my phone when The Man and I are talking.  I can always tell when the things we are talking about are not sticking in his brain and I will be accused of never telling him that.