KUDOS AMAZON

 I would like to take a moment to thank Amazon for hiring the mentaly handicapped.  It seems to me that Amazon has fired all their employees who had an IQ over 50. In their place Amazon seems to have an entire new workforce who never finished kindergarten, never mind high school.  I guess if you can write/ PRINT your name you can get a job with Amazon.  You don't have to be a genius but REALLY ???    How difficult is it to drive a truck and deliver packages?  How difficult is it to ship a brand new $30 hardcover book in an envelope that is WATER PROOF ??????????   And how difficult is it to READ THE NUMBERS on a door?????

I would call the secret customer service phone number to lodge a complaint about my adventure this evening but I am sure I would get a person who doesn't speak English and that would just make me twice as pissed as I am right now.

This morning I ordered a book and a box of bandaids from Amazon.  The book is the latest Stephen King novel so it  only comes in hard cover. The bandaids are in a paper box.  Both items were shipped to me in separate paper shipping bags.  I was told they would arrive tonight between 5 & 10 PM.  I would have preferred to wait until tomorrow while there is day light but Amazon is priding themselves in " Same Day Deliveries".That is NOT a good idea if they can't read my address correctly.   Knowing from MANY past experiences with brain dead delivery persons I kept checking outside my door. Normally I wouldn't care if the package sat out on my lanai for the night but tonight it was raining buckets and buckets and more buckets of water.  It was monsoon time in Florida.  My walk way was flooded, the lanai was collecting water because it couldn't drain off fast enough. it was WET !!!  By 10:15 it was still raining and there was still no packages.  I checked my email and sure enough there was a message from Amazon saying my packages had been delivered and left by my front door.  There were NO packages floating past my front door.  One feature that Amazon now provides is a picture of my packages sitting NOT by MY front door but sitting outside the screen door of my neighbors lanai.  The packages sat right nest to the LARGE numbers on her screen door that read   1 1 1 0 3.     My address is  1 1 0 0 3    Can you see the difference.  (If you can't then go apply for a job delivering packages for Amazon along with the other idiots who can't read numbers!!!!!)

Now not only were my packages sitting in the rain outside of my neighbor's condo but her condo is in a different building.   By now the rain is REALLY pouring down.   It is 10:30 at night, all I want to do is put on my jammies and crawl into bed but because paper shipping bags are not waterproof and the two items I have had delivered are sitting out in the rain I now get dressed,   Long pants, old sneakers that can get wet, rain coat and flashlight and off I go.   It is pitch black outside and my phone flashlight really isn't doing much to help me navigate the flood waters down my sidewalk across to the next building and up the neighbors walkway.  (Both of our units are in the back of the buildings so it's a long long sidewalk which is now looking like the Mississippi River in flood mode.).  Sure enough there sit the 2 paper bags soaking wet and ready to disintegrate at the slightest touch. I grab the bags, swim back down the sidewalks and make it home without drowning.  I am soaked to the skin !!!  

Fortunately both book and bandaids have miraculously managed to stay fairly dry. They would not have made it much longer so I was glad that I got them before they were ruined.  My wet clothes went right into the dryer. My shoes may go into the garbage and I am FINALLY headed to bed with a good, DRY book.  

KEEP THE FAITH

 I have three children.  Two boys and a girl although they are no longer "boys and girl" but rather men and woman.   They were all brought up in a middle class home, dad was a teacher, mom stayed at home attending to  house and children and what ever else needed tending on any. particular day.  Typical family. 

My husband and I were born and raised Catholic and so our children were brought up Catholic. Baptized soon after they were born, received holy communion when they were seven, made their confirmation when they were 13.   Two of them were married in the Catholic Church and still attend church, whether it be a Catholic Church or not, they still belong to a spiritual family. Child #3 married a girl who had never attended church, they were married at a light house by a "minister". They are now divorced.

All of my kids have KEPT THE FAITH to some degree. One still attends a Catholic Church, one has found a non-denominational church which they are fully involved in. (I keep reminding them not to "Drink the Koolaid".)

 Child/adult # 3 has wandered through life not "belonging" to a church and at times not believing in God. He is a spiritual person but continues searching for something that is. right in front of his nose.  FAITH           Oddly enough it is this child of mine who has a large tattoo across his chest which reads . . .  "KEEP THE FAITH".  I don't understand how he can wear that tattoo and still not really have faith in a Supreme Being. It is one of God's mysteries.   

Now I know and truly believe that god works in mysterious ways.  AND more importantly HE hears our prayers and answers them while laughing.  I love finding humor in things that happen in my life. I do hope that child #3 can do the same.  

Child #3 is a teacher. Teachers are poor.  They work way too hard for way too little pay. Don't give me the Bull Shit about having summers off and how easy it is to work with kids.   If it was so easy why don't you stay home and teach your kids.  Believe me, teaching sucks BIG TIME!  Especially in this age of entitled little snots who do what they want when they want.  . . . .  Sorry . . . got off track there.

Anyway . . .  child #3  teacher, divorced father of 3, hanging on by his fingernails.  To relieve some of the stress in his life he has taken to doing and coaching cross fit work outs and participating in extreme races.  He has climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro and gotten to base camp at Mt. Everest.  He runs 100 mile races in some of the most extreme terrain and is often so beat up by the end of the race that he can barely walk.

WHY ??????  

As his mother I just encourage him and PRAY. . . .  A LOT. !!!!

That all brings us to today's blog.  Son #3 left Florida on Wednesday to catch a plane to JFK airport in NYC.  There he connected to a flight on Hungarian Airlines heading for Istanbul.  Once in Istanbul he connected to a flight to Marrakesh, Morocco, then on to some obscure little town further south where he will ride 11 hours on a bus to the start of a 100 mile, 4 day race in the Sahara Desert.  He must carry all his food for the 4 days and any other equipment he may need.  Tents and water are provided at the overnite camps but all else is carried by the runner.

This morning I woke to a text message from my son.  He was alive and well in Morocco BUT his suitcase with all his food and equipment never made the connecting flight in Turkey and is now lost who knows where.  The boy has the clothes on his back and his back pack to spend 4 days in the desert!   

But God did not abandon my boy.  HE gave my son a fellow racer from America who also speaks Arabic. The young man and my son went out to a market where they were able to buy food and any other essentials to be able to compete in the race.  

The way I see it, the young man from America is an angel sent by God to help my son get through this "bump in the road".  There are only three Americans running this race and the fact that one of the 3 ends up rooming with my boy AND speaks the language of the country he is in is a miracle in itself.  As for the missing suitcase . . . . shit happens.  It's how you deal with it that counts.  

I'm just praying full time that this journey brings my son closer to seeing GOD'S hand in his life.  Even if he has to run naked across the Sahara.  Hopefully God will send another angel with Sun Screen SPF 200.

NO TITLE

 I couldn't decide what to name this blog because I  didn't want to attract perverts with a shower fetish. I decided I would just write my story and make you wade through my usual drivel to get to the punch line. 

It all began with the weather.  It is rainy season in Florida which can vary day to day from monsoon to a slight shower that lasts 23 seconds.  (Yes, I have timed them.) It is the time of the year to ALWAYS have an umbrella with you when you go anywhere.  Even out to the mailbox.  The sun can be shinning as you walk out your front door and by the time you have walked 50 steps you find yourself in a full blown Cat 5 hurricane.  This year we are lucking out on no hurricanes but the daily afternoon thunder and lightening has been magnificent and loud. (The neighborhood pets are so traumatized that if you honk your horn at them they pass out.) It will pour rain for less than 3 minutes and the sun is back out.  All of this makes any outdoor activities a challenge to say the least. 

With this sort of weather my "garden" is a mess. It has been for about 3 years but my son and daughter-in-law helped me get a start on attacking weeds when they visited in July.  I have been slowly putting pots of small flowering plants around the lanai to add some color.  Because of the weather it is a rare day that my ambition matches the weather conditions. (This is a gift from God because HE knows just when I need to get my butt out of the house and when I need to cover my head and do nothing.  Apparently God REALLY wanted me outside today because when I got up this morning I found one of the sections of screening on the lanai had ripped loose during the night so now every squirrel, bird, iguana or neighbor can just walk on in.   I went out to take pictures to send to my landlord and decided I really needed to stay outside and straighten up the mess I had made. A few days ago I decided to dig out Halloween decorations and get a jump on that.  (Of course when I have a mess I need to take out more stuff to make an even bigger mess.) I ate a quick breakfast and was headed out to the lanai when the sky opened and it poured.  So I came back in.  About 3 hours later I tried again and actually got to do some actual gardening.  Re potting some pants, moving pots around, spraying down the cement, trimming the hibiscus that had gone bananas and spread all over the place and then of course the painful but necessary clean up.  By the time I was done I was one hot and sweaty mess.  Mud caked on my arms and legs, dirt in my hair and sweat dripping off my glasses so much that I needed windshield wipers.  I NEEDED a shower !!!!!!   I was so dirty that I didn't even want to walk into the house but I didn't think the landscapers that were out cutting the lawns in the common areas would appreciate a Lady Godiva wanna-be running across her patio.  

Back in my bathroom I was so hot and nasty that I got into the shower before the water even had a chance to heat up. Never has a cold shower appealed to me more. I soaked my hair, lathered a ton of shampoo in it and started to feel around for my wash cloth.  Because I have shampoo pouring down my face I am working blind in my search.  I couldn't find the wash cloth so I decided to just grab the soap and make the best of it. Now I knew where the soap was and could find it with my eyes closed except I had forgotten to replace the sliver of paper thin soap with a new bar when I showered last night. Oh Well, I'll take the scrap of soap, wash myself off . . .  it would be better than nothing.  It was at that moment that I found my wash cloth hanging on the opposite side of the shower where, for some strange reason, I had left it last nite.  OK  We are now making progress,  Wash cloth . . .  check.   Soap . . .   oh oh, where the hell did the soap go??? This is getting ridiculous !!!  I am feeling all over the shower for the soap but having no luck so I finally rinse my hair so I can see.  NO soap !   Not in the soap dish, not on the floor of the shower. Where the hell did it go?  At this point all I want to do is get clean, go sit down and relax.  The hell with the soap, I'll scrub what I can with the cloth and shower again tonight with a new bar of soap. With that I reach around to my lower back and lo and behold there is the sliver of soap stuck to my butt.  

I must confess I lost it.  I started laughing so hard I almost drown myself and would have wet my pants if I had had any on. I immediately knew I had to share this with you in the hope that it brings you a smile to brighten your day.   (I'm still giggling as I write this.)

WHY I CAN'T LOOSE WEIGHT

 I do not consider myself FAT.  My doctor seems to have another opinion.  As I get off the scale in her office I see her writing something on her tablet and I know exactly what she is writing. It is that very bad word . . .  NO not the "F" one . . .  this one starts with an "O".  Sure enough when I get home and check the "Patient Portal" to read a review of the visit I just had the first thing I note is that I am considered OBEASE.  That's the fancy doctor speak for FAT.   Being 5' 4" and 162 lbs I really think I am just poundage challenged.  Now when I came out of the hospital after heart surgery last year I was quite a bit lighter. All it took was 2 weeks of not eating and tripping out in La La Land.  Once I got off the happy meds my appetite returned with a vengeance and within a month I was back at my "normal" weight.  

Should I loose some weight . . .  Absolutely !!!!!!!!    Have I been motivated . . .  Yes !!!  Just when I get focused on watching what I eat something happens and all hell breaks loose.  Take this morning for instance.

Let me return first to this past weekend.  My daughter and her family and my Florida son and the twins all gathered at my condo on Saturday.  I don't get an opportunity to feed my family so I like to make a nice meal for them when we do get together.  Only problem is I do not like spending their entire visit in the kitchen prepping, cooking, serving and cleaning up.  To be fair my daughter is a HUGE help.  My son ad son-in-law . . .   not so much.   The guys are VERY good at asking, "Do you need any help?" , "Is there anything I can do for you?"  rather than seeing what needs to be done and just DOING IT !   But as I have written about many, many times before they just think and see things differently.  

To avoid too much work on my part I decided to order pre made servings of Chicken Parm and pasta from a local Italian market.  I picked up the food Saturday morning and by the time every one had arrived and was ready to eat the food was hot!   In addition to the chicken and pasta I ordered a bag of lettuce, a HUGE tomato and TWO loaves of Italian bread fresh from the markets bakery.  I don't know about you but in order to enjoy any Italian dinner there MUST be bread!!!!  (And lots of butter!).   Needless to say I ate more bread than chicken.  I tried very hard to keep the pasta at a bite or twenty but the bread did me in!   

I have been trying to keep carbs and sugar out of my diet and when I do that I feel so much better.  No bread induced arthritis pain in my hands.  No pasta caused craving of sweets and thus no tummy troubles. There really is something to this if only I didn't love my carbs.   I can do without potatoes but can NOT give up a piece of bread when it is sitting on the counter top calling to me.   "Hellooooooooo. Come and get me.  I am soooooooooo yummy."     Well I did not do well on Saturday.   As a result of my bread orgy I gained 4 pounds and felt like crap.  My stomach was so blown up, my arthritis was killing me and yet in spite of all that I still wanted MORE  . . . . . . . 

Sunday I did not do well diet wise.  Monday I did a little better, Tuesday and Wednesday I started to see the scale numbers going down  .  OK.  I've got this.   I am back on track. Good for me !!!!!

And then it all hit the fan.

This. morning I had the cable guy scheduled to come and fix my internet and cable thanks to AT&T having cut the cable company wires when they were "fixing" someone's phone service on Saturday.  I couldn't get an appointment until today.  It has been a Loooooonnnnnnng week of entertaining myself.  I have several things to keep me busy. Jigsaw puzzles, sudoko, Crypt-o-grams in the paper and of course COOKING !!!!!!!!   Or rather I should say BAKING !!!    Having a ton of leftovers from Saturdays feast I did not need to cook but there is always a need to bake. 

The cable guy was scheduled to be here between 8 AM. (IN THE MORNING !!!!!) and 10 AM.  Normally I would have to set my alarm for the ten AM, never mind even considering being among the living at eight.  But because I have waited all week for the TV and internet to return I was up at 6:00 AM.  It was still dark outside but I was up and ready to greet the cable guy.  Now not being used to having to face the world at this unGodly hour my stomach decided we needed nourishment or we would die before the repair man arrived.  As I opened the fridge the first thing I saw was a container of canned peaches that I had opened before the weekend.  I checked to see if anything was growing in with the fruit and decided that it was still OK to consume.  But just in case there was some fungus hiding in the peach slices I knew I would HAVE to bake something with the peaches so that if they were "contaminated" the heat from the oven would kill any and all nastiness.  (I really did know the. peaches were fine but I had to tell myself I needed to bake. Heaven forbid I just throw out the fruit!).  I just happened to have one frozen pie crust in my freezer that really needed to get used up.  I defrosted the pie crust, chopped up the peaches, added "Craisins" and walnuts which I then rolled into pie crust pockets and ended up with 6 mini fruit turnovers.  But wait !!!!!  . . .    there are still some peaches, nuts and craisin mix left over so I added some shredded coconut and chocolate chips,  mixed up some Bisquick, sugar, peach juice and vanilla, poured that in a small pie pan and sprinkled the mix over the top and baked that.  

Right now I have 6 turnovers and a peach "cake" sitting in my kitchen just waiting to be eaten by none other than the Obese woman who just baked them.

And I wonder why I can't loose weight .

P.S.    The cable guy showed up at 9:30 and did a great job.   I am about to go flop on the couch to watch some TV and eat a healthy snack of peaches . . . .+

THERE IS A COCKROACH IN MY CAR

 And it is HUGE.   Which according to anyone who is born and raised in Florida it is NOT a cockroach !  It is a PALMETTO bug.   To which I say, " Donkey poop! That sucker is a ROACH !"  Having been born and a raised in NYC I know a cockroach when I see one and that sucker in my car is the mother of all. roaches!!!!! 

Call it what ever you want I just want it OUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  of my car !!  

I discovered The Beast last Saturday when I got home from the grocery store.  At first I thought I had brought it in on some of the produce I had purchased,.( I hope it wasn't a BOGO). But I think I actually invited it into my car when I removed the windshield cover and threw that into the back seat.  Monsieur  Le Cocka Roacha was probably tucked into the cover only to find himself being flung in to a totally new habitat.  When I went out earlier that day I had taken the outside cover off my car windshield and threw it into the back seat. (The reason I have a cover on my car is that my parking spot is under a tree that is home to many birds.  Florida has many, many birds and they all love to sit in the trees and poop!   I got tired of having to go to the car wash every time I went out just so I could see where I was going.)   When I got home and pulled the cover out of the backseat the BUG  decided he liked living in a high rent neighborhood where he did not have to be lunch for some bird so he did not depart the premises.  

Up to this point I was totally unaware that I had a stowaway.  If the dumb creature had just stayed hidden all would have been well. But like most men he HAD to let me know he was there.  As I went to shut the back door of my car I caught my first glimpse of THE CREATURE.  He was sitting on the door frame looking right at me with a smirk on his buggy face just daring me to challenge him.  He obviously did NOT know who he was dealing with !  I suppose he expected. me to scream, faint, go running into my house waving my arms. I surprised him when I grabbed the car door and SLAMMED it as hard as I could figuring nothing was going to survive that.  WRONG !!!  I looked up at the closed door and there were 2 big, black antenna waving at me.  Not believing that it was  at all possible that the bug could survive getting squished like that I opened the car door.    Not only was this creature not dead he was up and running right back IN TO my car.  

Could the nasty thing have jumped OUT of my car?  Of course he could. But where's the fun in that ?   

I have no idea where it ran and hid. All I know is it is still IN MY CAR and I am not driving anywhere until I find a dead body !!  I am having visions of me driving down I 95 at the snails pace of 85MPH when this thing JUMPS out and lands on my face.  It would not go well from there. I KNOW the cockroach would survive the crash but I doubt if I would.  And so to rid my car of unwanted hitch hikers My ingenious thought was, "I'll just leave the car locked up sitting in the Florida summer sun and Mr. Roach will fry baby fry.   Then someone reminded me that cockroaches will survive an atomic bomb so to a roach a hot car is like summer in the Bahamas.  

Next step . . .   buy a bunch of "ROACH MOTELS".   Remember the motto from the "Raid" company?  "Roaches check in but they don't check out".  Here's hoping that is true because otherwise I may have to resort to selling my car and getting a new one.

Today I will venture out to the car and open ALL the doors while I search for a body.  Dead or alive that thing has got to go. 

RUNNING OUT OF STEAM

 I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream.  I was dreaming that I was a freshman in a college that's campus was so large I had gotten lost and could not find my way back to my dorm.  Along my panicked way I met a girl that I had gone to high school with. We were "best" friends for a while until life took us in different directions.  I also dreamed I met my younger cousin who passed away about 3 years ago. In the dream she told me to follow her and she would take me back to my dorm but some how I lost her along the way.  I kept asking people for a map of the campus so I could find my dorm but no one had a map.  I was getting so frustrated and then I woke up.  It took me a while to collect my thoughts and realize it was only a dream. But it was one of those dreams that was so realistic it just wouldn't leave my head.

I love to dream and then analyze what it all meant.  I can track various things that happened through my day yesterday that probably triggered the events and people in my dream but this one made me uncomfortable.  The fact that I have been more focused on my mortality recently is one of the reasons this particular series of events and people bothered me.  Now I can really get all Freudian and tell you that since my cousin is dead and in my dream she is going to lead me "home" I may die soon.  Except that in the dream I lost her so I guess I am not going to die soon.  Or the whole thing about the map that I cannot find tells me I am wandering around senselessly in my life right now.  But considering I have ZERO training in psychology I doubt any of this is true.

By now I have totally freaked myself out so I finally get up out of bed to face the day.  I had no plans for the day what so ever. It has been VERY hot down here in South Florida so I knew whatever I was going to do today would be indoors.  My garden needs tending and the lanai is getting cluttered. I did not put the recycling or garbage out last night because it was just too darn hot. All of that can wait till Saturday or next week's garbage collection. (Living alone does not generate a great deal of refuse in a weeks time.). I am excited to spend a day inside because it is always an adventure.  Especially when I have nothing that NEEDS to be done.    I just walk into a room and WHAM ! something grabs my attention and that's it for the day.  UNTIL I run out of steam.   That is what I am facing right now as I sit here writing.  

After I got up I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and comb my hair.  This is usually a safe routine except that today I opened the bathroom cabinet looking for some lotion and got sucked in. Just like the Twilight Zone I found myself surrounded by a multitude of products which I seem to accumulate and never use.  For what ever reason TODAY was the day that I "needed" to go through them and throw away and reorganize all 3 shelves of this built in cabinet. This is not a job for the faint hearted. Believe me!  I started pulling things out, tossing some but keeping most. ( I had looked in this cabinet about 2 days ago and thought I REALLY needed to get into it to see what was there but I had managed to ignore the urge. )     An hour later the counter top was covered in bottles, jars, boxes and whatnot.  So now I not only have a messy cabinet that I could just close the door on, I now have a total and complete mess all over the bathroom!  What happens next is up to me. 

I decided I needed breakfast and a rest because I had run out of steam.  So here I sit writing a blog.  I will probably have to pee my pants at some point because I do NOT want to go back into the bathroom and deal with the mess in there.  I'm sure that if I fall asleep in this chair I will dream of an earthquake, tornado  and volcanic eruption where I find myself unable to climb out of the rubble.  So I better not fall asleep. In order to stay awake I will head into the kitchen to make some lunch and end up pulling everything out of the fridge because I can't find the cheese.  Everything will end up out on the kitchen counter and I will once again run out of steam.   

IF A TRAIN LEAVES THE STATION . . .

 I am breaking into hives just typing the sentence above.   When ever a math teacher started their lesson with that sentence I knew I was in trouble.  I mean really, who cares !!  If I just look at the train schedule I can give you the answer in a lot less time than it is going to take me to do the math.  So REALLY ?  Will I EVER need to use this useless information in my life? 

Apparently I DO.

Or if not me then the pharmacies of the world sure do need to go back and learn some math skills!  OR . . . is it all about the MONEY ????????

So here's my question of the day . . .  If I need to take a pill for my blood pressure and the doctor writes a script for ONE pill, ONCE a day every day for a month how many pills will I need to order for ONE MONTH ??????  

 Now I am not a genius nor am I good at math, (just ask my high school math teachers), but if there are thirty days in a month and I take one pilll every day I come up with the a answer of One pill every day times thirty days should equal THIRTY PILLS !     Or if you prefer to see this in an equation . . .             30 X 1 = 30.       I think I am correct in my advanced mathematical solution to this horribly complex math problem.  Right ?    

Tell that to my pharmacy.   I order my pills through the mail from a company that is approved by my insurance plan.  When I switched to Humana after Cigna decided it didn't want to deal with Floridians any longer, (can you blame them?) I gave Humana a list of all my medications and I was happily informed that all my meds are covered by their plan.  GOOD NEWS !!   Whoopee !!!!   The insurance company asked me if I wanted "Automatic refills" to which I replied.   NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     If ever there was a company to screw up a soup sandwich it is an insurance company refilling prescriptions.  Never EVER give them permission to control any part of your life as long as you are still mentally capable of handling your own medication.  Every time I am hospitalized for more than a day there is ALWAYS a Royal F... UP  with my medications.  But that's a whole other blog !   

I am all set to start receiving my medications each month WHEN I ORDER THEM !  So why do I keep getting bags of pills in my mailbox?  Now if those pills were Valium or something good I would not be complaining but how many bottles of antacid can one person use?  I call the pharmacy and they promise me they have taken me off the automatic refill list.  The pills keep coming.  I send various e-mails and the pills still keep coming. I receive text messages almost daily reminding me that a prescription of mine is due for a refill. I text back . . .STOP  . . .  DO NOT REFILL AT THIS TIME.      And then 5 days later a package arrives with . . . guess what ???  Yup, the pills that I did not need!!!  I really don't know what to do about this.  I will need to empty a closet to store all my "drugs".  I guess I could just keep letting them send me my meds every three weeks (IN STEAD OF EACH MONTH) and then at the end of the year I can open my own pharmacy.   

Trouble is that with every unwanted refill I receive I am charged for them.  It's not a massive amount of money but the point is the insurance company is making money faster than necessary.  I guess every time they get their electric bill they just start refilling peoples prescriptions whether you need them or not. But at least the drug company will keep its lights on for another month. 

Does any one out there need some antacids at a really good price ?