SIMPLY NOT SIMPLE

 Have you ever had to call "Tech Support" for anything ?  TV, Cell Phone, Computer . . . Or maybe you are trying to put together a piece of furniture,  or setting up a new fridge, washer or dryer.   The directions are just impossible to understand so you give in and call "Tech Support".  Once you have stated your problem the voice on the other end of the phone reassures you this is not a problem. They then follow that reassurance with the words, "You SIMPLY have to  . . ."  And this is where I loose it. I am still back at  trying to plug the machine in or just opening the package and they are twenty steps ahead of me. 

I remember way back when we got our first computer.  Our children and grand children will never appreciate what we had to go through to use a computer.  Plug in the screen, plug in the modem, put in a code for the screen, put in a code for the modem. And I am not talking about a simple 4 digit code. NO, those computers required entering a seven hundred and thirty five numbers, upper case letters, lower case letters and if you didn't get it exactly right you had to start all over again.  Then you had to wait about six hours for it all to process through before the computer actually turned on.  There was no Tech Support back in those days so you had to read the manual if you had one or call your best friend and hope they knew what to do.  I remember trying to get Husband to use the computer and he would get crazy when I was showing him something.  I would say, "It's simple! You just do . . . " and he would get upset and frustrated because I was going too fast.  Now I understand !!  

Now a days we just open the lap top and BAM !  ready to go.  Until you get to the web site you're looking for and can't get it figured out. (See my previous blog). When you finally get frustrated enough to call for help they always start with . . .  "Oh, it's simple!"   And how about those times when us dinosaurs are trying to do something new on our cell phones.  Who do you go to?  Your grand kids of course.  They know EVERYTHING about our modern technology.  You ask them how to do something and they say, "OH, it's simple!"  

With all this "It's simple" stuff going around I want to know why The Man can not do anything the easy or simple way.  EVERYTHING is a production.  To be honest I don't think I have ever met a man who sees the direct line from A to B.  They always have to immediately go to Red Alert to do anything.  Case in point . . . The Man has a lawn mower that is probably 20 years old.  I think it has NEVER had a new battery because EVERY day when The Man goes out to ride his mower he has to charge the battery to get it started. Sometimes it will hold the charge for a day but if it is let sitting for more then 36 hours it needs charging.  Today I asked The Man why he doesn't just get a new battery. He looked at me as if I had lost my mind. His answer was, "Why would I get a new battery? This one works fine." I know I should have just shut up right then, why I even spoke in the first place I don't know, but I kept going.  I mentioned that he has to keep charging this battery every time he wants to use the mower, wouldn't it be easier to just get a new battery and then it would start right up so he can get going without waiting 3 hours for the old battery to charge. His response, "NO, All "I" have to do is hook it up to the charger".   

Let me stop here and give you the step by step process . . . I have to go down stairs, get the charger, (because he can't reach the basement on his oxygen hose), bring it out side, find the extension cord from where ever he has left it, plug that in inside the house and run the wire out to his mower where he is sitting waiting.  He then has the difficult task of connecting the power cord to the charger and the charger to the mower.  Now he has to wait at least 2 hours for the mower to charge.  So he goes in to take a nap after that exhausting work.  I ask you . . .  wouldn't it be simpler to buy a new freaking battery ????  Or maybe I am missing something here. . .   could he possibly be using this as a ploy to take a nap ??

My favorite story of men not being able to see the simple solution was the time my uncle and father were trying to figure out how to hang a large mirror for Husband and I. I have told this story before but it is such a perfect example.  My dad and uncle had out paper and pencils, drawing sketches of where to add the extra beams to support this mirror. I called a handy man and he put 2 hooks into the wall beams, lifted the mirror and with in minutes the job was done.  I guess that is why some people become handy men while others remain "thinkers".  

A side note to all this is about our new cars.  I LOVE my new car.  Love the keyless entry.  Just push a button and off I go.  EXCEPT . . .  there are so many other features that I have yet to figure out.  The manual for my car is as thick as Websters Dictionary, (a reference that I am sure no one under the age of 60 will understand.). I have yet to sit down to read the darn thing so I have no idea what this car can do. 

What ever it is I am sure "It's Simple"

BETTER THAN A BALL OF STRING

 This is not a post about toys for your pet kitten. It is a story about entertaining your man.

When I was a little kid my mom used to give me a mess of tangled string and ask me to un knot it. I've talked about this before. It was a very creative way of keeping me busy while she was attending to my 2 elderly grandfathers.  I LOVED it !  I could sit for hours working on those knots. 

Now that I find myself living with The Man who has absolutely NO interests outside of hunting and fishing, which he can no longer do, I am at a loss to find ways to keep him preoccupied so I can have some space.  His TV watching is limited to Fox News, the Weather Channel and hunting and fishing shows. He is a clone of my husband with the exception of the hunting and fishing. There is the occasional foray into the show "Cops", (just like husband) but TV is pretty much all the excitement there is in his pitiful life. In the evenings there is the local news and Wheel of Fortune but other than that his life is really quite dull. And when a man's life is dull you know his focus is going to be on the woman in his life. Lucky us !! There are days when I feel like the amoeba on a slide being studied under a microscope.  The Man sits at the kitchen table and watches EVERY MOVE I MAKE .  I have suggested that he participate in the cooking process but he usually declines. It is apparently a lot more fun to just sit and watch and critique. Lucky ME !!!   

Each evening I walk out to the mailbox which is pitifully empty on most days with the exception of our daily newspaper. The Excanaba Press keeps The Mans attention for all of 3 minutes and then he is back to watching me and the TV.  I have several different places to escape to but I feel bad for the poor guy just sitting at that kitchen table day in and day out.

UNTIL . . .  In stepped the U.S. Government !!  Halleluia and Hip Hip Hooray !!  Leave it to the good old U s of A to provide me with hours and hours of freedom.  Now for those of you who think our government is just wonderful and doing a great job let me tell you about their latest brain child for the veterans. 

The Man is a vet.  Served in Viet Nam while in the Marines and then joined the Army 2 years after his discharge from the Marines so that he could fly helicopters for 17 years while serving in Germany and all over the US.  He has put his time in and is now able to "reap" the benefits.  Sadly the Veterans Administration is one of the least efficient branches of our government.  It periodically undergoes "major" changes which usually result in it working even worse than it was. But The Man takes full advantage of their medical and dental programs.  Dental works great because the have a dentist in both the West Palm and Iron Mountain VA hospitals.  It's when we get into the pulmonary and cardiology departments that we have nothing but trouble. There is so much red tape and lack of organization that we have been forced to go into the private sector to get decent medical treatment. But that is all water under the bridge. 

The "Ball of String" that the VA has thrown to the man comes in the form of a computer program. Now if you know a man over the age of 75 you will understand when I say the computer is akin to . . . well, it's about as complicated to The Man as a ball of string full of knots would be. I guarantee you if I gave The Man a ball of string full of knots and asked him to untangle it he would hand it right back or throw it out. Patience is NOT part of this mans nature, (although he does put up with me) And so when the VA told The Man they would no longer accept his travel vouchers on paper but that he now needed to put ALL his information into the computer and send it to them on line I thought The Man was going to explode.  This issue was the cause of 2 weeks worth of huffing and puffing and complaining. He made several phone calls to different departments, we visited the "Travel" office in the VA at lest 4 times and still the answer was the same, "Put it in the computer!"  (Remember the definition of insanity . . . Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome . . . ? ). It was down right embarrassing going into that travel office with The Man. .He would be asking the exact same questions that he asked 2 days ago and the poor kid who worked there gave the same answers that he gave 2 days ago. The kid kept looking at me like, "Lady . . . what is wrong with this guy?" and I kept avoiding eye contact with either of them. 

So now The Man has had to suck it up and use the computer.  BUT . . .  does The Man own a computer? NO !!!!  Of course not.  He has a tablet !!  Not an iPad, an At&T Tablet. This stupid thing is a pain in the arse as far as I am concerned but then I am used to my computer.  The first time we decided to use the VA website I called it up on my computer.  WE finally figured it out, (I furred it out!  The Man hung hovered all the while making STUPID suggestions.)  Once I got the hang of it things went smoothly. EXCEPT . . .  This is the US Government we are dealing with so it takes about 15 minutes EVERY time you log in just to get to your account.  You have to go through step after step to make sure it is really you who wants to access this information. Why anyone would ever want to know how many times The Man went to have his teeth cleaned is beyond me but we MUST be secure !!!  Once you get to your page or Dashboard as the VA likes to call it,  you enter the information but there was no immediate satisfaction. "Under Manual Survey" was the message that appeared EVERY ten minutes that The Man had me checking it. Finally he got so frustrated we had to return to the VA travel office to see the young man AGAIN !!  Only to be told that they are very very backlogged so we needed to be patient.  HA HA HA !!!!  (I did not laugh out loud)

Upon returning home, one hour drive later, The Man asked me to go onto the website and check again.  And this is where I realized I HAD A BALL OF STRING!  I suggested that The Man call up this website on HIS tablet so he could check it when ever he needed, (wanted), to see what was going on.  I got him started and I walked away. 

That was 2 weeks ago.  Now ever time I am feeling claustrophobic I say, "Hey D, Have you checked your travel claims recently?"  And BINGO !!  I'v got at least 2 hours to myself !!  

A FINE LINE

There is a fine line between love and hate. A fine line between "funny" and mean.(Cousin Lu is good at this one. She will say something perfectly awful to me and then say, "I'm just kidding".  Like that helps.) There is a fine line between genius and insane.(I think I'm better at the insane side of that line than the genius) There is a fine line between passing and failing which I really was familiar with in high school! There is also a fine line on my forehead that is getting bigger by the day.. That fine line is morphing into the Grand Canyon with many tributaries cracking open around my eyes and mouth. I do not like those fine lines and I really do wish they would stop appearing. 

Back to the original fine lines that I started to write about.  When I go to my doctor and she has me step on the scale I see the God Awful number that she writes down and think, "Good God! I'm getting fat!". My doctor does not consider me fat.  She says I am obese !!  It's a fine line between the two.  Weight isn't really a good example of fine lines because the stupid charts are compiled by a bunch of skinny little twits sitting at desks in some office. They do not realize what an ugly word obese is.  I think of obese as being a person over 300 pounds.  I am no where near that number so lets find another word please !

The fine line between love and hate is a great example. It is possible to one day wake up and think, "Wow, this man is really special. I love him." and then twenty minutes later after he does any number of really stupid things I am thinking all I want to do is beat him to death with the crock pot.  That is definitely a fine line between things.  

What got me thinking along the "fine line" line was my aching back. If I sit too long my back hurts but if I stand too long my legs hurt. If I read too long my head hurts but if I watch TV too long my eyes hurt. It seems that I have arrived at "THAT AGE" where I must find the fine line between my actions so that I can remain pain free and happy. Not an easy task.  I often reflect on my dad who lived until the ripe old age of 97. I remember him being active up until well into his 90's. He would get up early early in the morning and drive down to the harbor where he would climb onto his small boat and putter around fixing things until it was time for breakfast.  He would then come home, fix himself a healthy meal, putter around the house for a while until lunch time after which he would take a nap. After nap time he would sit at his desk and write his book about his life.  He was always busy and he lived a good long life because of that. 

I am trying to be like my dad but I am having a great deal of trouble finding that fine line between "resting" and sleeping 24 hours a day.  I have not found the fine line between doing a little gardening and digging up trees. I think I am an all or nothing gal. I am needing to fix that !

Yesterday The Man and I were sitting for hours.  Part of the time in the car, part of the time in a doctors office. It totaled up to 6 hours of sitting and I paid for it last night.  My back was aching and my innards were not functioning thanks to all the time spent not moving.  To remedy this situation I went outside and walked out to the mailbox, came around to the back of the house to feed the deer, got a few gallons of water to sprinkle on my plants and then decided I was going to die!  My arms, legs and back were screaming for me to stop.  Soooooo I went inside, showered and laid down on the bed to watch TV. (We have 2 TV's. One in the kitchen which requires me to sit on the hard red Naugahyde chairs, which my aching back would not like, OR go into the bedroom and climb up onto the bed to watch the TV in there. You KNOW which Tv I choose every time.) 

BUT now we have to cross another fine line.  If I climb onto the bed too early in the evening my back will start aching and then I have trouble falling asleep when it is time to turn off the TV. It's like playing Russian roulette with my body.  If I miss the fine line between moving and not moving I will end up in pain for hours to follow. Of course there is always Advil, Tylenol or Bayer Back and Body.  All of these are my very best friends. I try not to play favorites so I will switch from one to another when I am really uncomfortable.  

But again, there is that fine line between becoming a drug addict and just keeping the aches and pains at bay. Good thing I don't have any heavy duty drugs because you see how poorly I am managing my fine lines .

HAPPY 4th OF JULY !!

 I am sitting here in my Happy Place enjoying a most wonderful day.  No big celebrations here, no fireworks, no parades, no barbecue with lots of people.  Just a comfortable lawn chair under the big maple tree in the yard, a cool breeze and lots of sunshine and peace and quiet.  It's the perfect day !

Growing up in NYC we always celebrated the forth of July at home. Our small house was on a tiny piece of property, probably no more than a 50x50 parcel of land on a street filled with other small houses.  We had a couple of pear trees, some grape vines on the one side of the house and current bushes on the other side. Sometimes my Aunt Mary and Uncle George would bring cousins Ann and Raymond over fromWhitestone, Queens and we would have a picnic in the yard, sitting at the old, wooden picnic table that my parents had bought years ago on a trip to Maine. (They would tell the story of bringing the table back with them tied to the roof of the car.  Can you imagine driving today from Maine to NY with a large, heavy picnic table tied to the roof of your car ?  That just would't happen.)

I loved the forth of July !  For weeks before all the neighborhood kids and I would be saving up our allowances in order to go to the candy store to buy caps.  If you are my age you know what caps are. They came in a roll about a half inch wide. The red paper had small dots of gunpowder all along the strip of paper and when you smacked the dots with a rock or hammer they exploded with a "POP". I can still smell the gunpowder when it exploded. I think the smell was better than the actual sound they made. 

 Can you imagine selling gunpowder to kids in this day and age!  The HORROR !!!!  But every kid I knew had caps and none of us ever were burned by them.  They were pretty harmless in spite of the sound of it.  If you were lucky enough to own a cap gun then you had caps year round.  Most of us had cap guns that we played cowboy and Indians with.  The gun opened up so that you could put the roll of caps on a small peg. Then you closed up the gun, threaded the caps out under the hammer so that they shot when you pulled the trigger.  Once again . . .  The HORROR !!!  As far as I know none of us kids ever grew up to be murders. We were kids acting out our fantasies.  (Maybe our kids now a days need to be outside running around more and learning how to play !!)  If you were "shot" during a game you usually spent the next ten minutes arguing with your friends as to whether or not your were "dead". No one ever went home mad. You just came back to life and continued the game.  

At my house I never had "fireworks".  I don't even know if there were fireworks any where to be seen.  It was all about sparklers if you were lucky enough to have them.  When we first moved to Queens Village my dad was working for the Long Island Rail Road in Jamaica, Queens..  He worked in the rail yard fixing the radio and speaker systems in the railroad cars.  Working in a rail yard had it's perks in that every year he brought home A flare, (just one), to light in the driveway when it got dark.  He would spend all day making a holder for the flare so that it would be safe. I remember sitting on our front stoop with my mother and grand father watching my dad set up the flare in the driveway. I knew I had to stay far away from the fire because it was "dangerous".  To a little kid this was very exciting !!! The neighborhood kids would all come and stand outside our fence to watch the "lighting of the flare" !  It was big time excitement for us city kids. 

I think my first fireworks show was in Augusta, Maine when I was a kid.  My dad had taken me to Maine  to visit his friends Forrest and Ann and they took us to the state capital building for the 4th of July celebration.  I remember how loud and bright the fireworks were and I remember I did not like them one bit !!  So much for that big excitement. I have come to appreciate fireworks but only from a distance. I still don't like the noise!

But today there is no loud noise.  Only the sound of the wind blowing through the trees and the squawking of the crows. No sounds of traffic or people. It is a wonderful place to be to appreciate this amazing country we are blessed to live in.