Left the house today at 1:00 and returned home at 5:15. Thirty minutes for travel and radiation treatment, total, twenty minutes for a stop at the deli to get Ger a HOT DOG, because he eats so very nutritiously in order to help himself battle Cancer and then three full hours sitting in chemo waiting for the FLUIDS to drip, drip, drip, drip into Husband's body because he WILL NOT DRINK !
I continue to bang my head on the wall, literally, over the sheer stubbornness of this man. I bring bottles of juice wherever we go . . . He will not drink! I hand him bottles of water and he refuses to take them. He gets nasty and sarcastic, he behaves like a spoiled two year of but he will NOT drink the damn fluids.
I really could care less if he chooses to be a stubborn idiot but I loose three hours of my day sitting on a very hard uncomfortable chair watching him sleep in the comfy recliner. I did not plan on staying today. I was going to go to SAMs Club to get gas and groceries but the doctor said she wanted to talk with us so there I sat doing nothing and cursing the entire time.
Now the cursing is becoming more common place with each passing day. I have to go to confession just for the swearing I did last night when H woke me from a single no sleep by falling getting out of bed and crashing into the night table. I had just fallen asleep and woke up with such a start screaming the Lords name in vain!
But I figure after all these years of swearing at H I am bound for Hell anyway so what's a few more curses here and there.
Oh, and then there was the ten minutes of cleaning up the full glass of water that was spilled when H fell. If he would only drink the damn water I wouldn't have anything to clean up !
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
BUT HOW ARE 'YOU' DOING ?
Thank you all my dear loved ones for asking that question. " but Cathie, how are you doing ?" Said with love and true concern I really do appreciate your concern for me BUT right about now I want to answer, " How the "F" do you think I'm doing??????" Husband is fading away right before my eyes. He is aging a year each day. He is cranky, (rightfully so), he is angry, (rightfully so), and he is an all around pain in the ass two year old who needs his "mommy" . He is dying of Cancer. He falls down A LOT. His self respect has gone to hell in a hand basket and all semblance of dignity and privacy are long gone. He needs help but, Ger being who he is, will not ask for help and gets quite angry when help is offered. He is like a rabid dog biting at his owner's hand. What is he supposed to do when he finds himself on the floor at 2 AM needing to get to the bathroom. His pride kicks in so he gets angry.
I thought that God had given us this trial to make us stronger and bring us closer together but now I'm not so sure. Is He trying to break us down to our very core where we are stripped of all our stupid faults and are laid open to our true spirit? Frightening thought at what I REALLY am once all the veils and shadows are gone.
Who knows? All I know is I'm doing the best I can, taking care of myself with a class on meditation, coffee with a friend, therapist, massages and lots of laughter with the grand kids. Will I survive this in tact? Of course ! I have lots to live for and if I have survived husband for these past 46 years, what's a little Cancer ?
I thought that God had given us this trial to make us stronger and bring us closer together but now I'm not so sure. Is He trying to break us down to our very core where we are stripped of all our stupid faults and are laid open to our true spirit? Frightening thought at what I REALLY am once all the veils and shadows are gone.
Who knows? All I know is I'm doing the best I can, taking care of myself with a class on meditation, coffee with a friend, therapist, massages and lots of laughter with the grand kids. Will I survive this in tact? Of course ! I have lots to live for and if I have survived husband for these past 46 years, what's a little Cancer ?
Thursday, October 23, 2014
JUST HOW STUPID AM I ???
As I sit her with my head hanging over the toilet bowl I would say the answer to that question is pretty obvious. REALLY REALLY REALLY STUPID !
Back in my younger days there were a few occasions where I found myself in this very same spot thanks to drinking too much. But as bad as that is at least you have a buzz on so it really doesn't seem all that bad. But now I am older and I don't drink all that much so I haven't been hanging out over the toilet in quite a few years.
And in all those years I have learned that eating too much greasy food when you no longer have a Gaul bladder to help process said food is NOT a good idea.
So where was my brain tonight when I ate that delicious medium rare cheeseburger, those crisp French fries AND the extremely greasy onion rings? What the hell was I doing? What the hell was I thinking? Where was my brain?
GONE . . . . MY BRAIN HAS LEFT THE BUILDING ! If only the rings would leave my stomach.
I can't lie down because EVERYTHING quickly heads up from my stomach. Yet when I sit here hanging out in the bathroom, at almost midnight, nothing wants to vacate the premises. I guess I am doomed to sit here for the night watching old episodes of Walking Dead. If that doesn't make me toss my dinner nothing will. (Kent and Kristen got me hooked on that show. The Zombies are really stupid but I like the show any way. )
All I keep thinking about is how tired I am and the fact that I have to be up at 9 tomorrow. But there will be no sleeping for quite some time tonight. I've tried all my usual remedies and so far nothing is working. Now I understand why gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins. When you are a glutton you wish you were dead!
BURP !
Back in my younger days there were a few occasions where I found myself in this very same spot thanks to drinking too much. But as bad as that is at least you have a buzz on so it really doesn't seem all that bad. But now I am older and I don't drink all that much so I haven't been hanging out over the toilet in quite a few years.
And in all those years I have learned that eating too much greasy food when you no longer have a Gaul bladder to help process said food is NOT a good idea.
So where was my brain tonight when I ate that delicious medium rare cheeseburger, those crisp French fries AND the extremely greasy onion rings? What the hell was I doing? What the hell was I thinking? Where was my brain?
GONE . . . . MY BRAIN HAS LEFT THE BUILDING ! If only the rings would leave my stomach.
I can't lie down because EVERYTHING quickly heads up from my stomach. Yet when I sit here hanging out in the bathroom, at almost midnight, nothing wants to vacate the premises. I guess I am doomed to sit here for the night watching old episodes of Walking Dead. If that doesn't make me toss my dinner nothing will. (Kent and Kristen got me hooked on that show. The Zombies are really stupid but I like the show any way. )
All I keep thinking about is how tired I am and the fact that I have to be up at 9 tomorrow. But there will be no sleeping for quite some time tonight. I've tried all my usual remedies and so far nothing is working. Now I understand why gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins. When you are a glutton you wish you were dead!
BURP !
Friday, October 10, 2014
FUN WITH FUNERALS
I don't have. Problem with funerals. Or death or dying . It's a fact of life, no one gets away without experiencing it and you don't know the day or time. I kind of like that. It's like a good mystery where you just can't figure out the ending and then WHAM it hits you up side your head and you go, "Holy crap, I didn't see that coming." It's gonna happen whether you like it or not so why worry about it!
At some point we will all, "Lay with the worms", "kick the bucket", get lost, as in "I lost my wife last year". I always want to ask if they looked for her or just let her stay "lost". And once we have DEPARTED, dearly or otherwise, we will be mourned, (hopefully) for a short while by those we leave behind. Our family and friends will gather some where, a funeral parlor, some one's home, a place of worship and share stories of the person who has "passed". (This will be one of the few times I "passed " anything. Dying has got to be a lot easier than geometry.) The stories will probably be funny and bring smiles to those who knew the departed. Alcohol should most definitely be served in order to jog the memories. There should be lots of laughter mixed with the sadness of knowing you will not be laughing WITH this person whose life you now celebrate.
And so, with all this in mind Husband and I went to a local funeral home this week and pre-paid our funerals. WE HAD FUN ! It took forever for just the basics so we didn't even get to the fun part of choosing our flowers and music and verses. We just signed a bunch of forms and agreed to pay a lot of money so that our children do not have to do this once we croak. We found out how many children the business associate of the funeral home has, how many grand kids and that her husband is not only a preacher but an AVID Fox News fan. Two and a half hours later we left and went to celebrate over lunch. When relaying our days adventure D-I-L, Kristen she was horrified that we did this without being thrown into a state of depression, Keri was grossed out but relieved and thankful that we had taken care of this, and various other friends and family had differing reactions.
As I explained to all, Hey, we're Irish and there is nothing an Irishman loves more than a good reason to get drunk and party. And funerals are right up there at the top of the list of good reasons to party! So keep this blog in mind and when it is my turn to kick the proverbial bucket be sure you show up to tell stories, laugh and have a good time. You never know when it will be your turn so party while you can.
At some point we will all, "Lay with the worms", "kick the bucket", get lost, as in "I lost my wife last year". I always want to ask if they looked for her or just let her stay "lost". And once we have DEPARTED, dearly or otherwise, we will be mourned, (hopefully) for a short while by those we leave behind. Our family and friends will gather some where, a funeral parlor, some one's home, a place of worship and share stories of the person who has "passed". (This will be one of the few times I "passed " anything. Dying has got to be a lot easier than geometry.) The stories will probably be funny and bring smiles to those who knew the departed. Alcohol should most definitely be served in order to jog the memories. There should be lots of laughter mixed with the sadness of knowing you will not be laughing WITH this person whose life you now celebrate.
And so, with all this in mind Husband and I went to a local funeral home this week and pre-paid our funerals. WE HAD FUN ! It took forever for just the basics so we didn't even get to the fun part of choosing our flowers and music and verses. We just signed a bunch of forms and agreed to pay a lot of money so that our children do not have to do this once we croak. We found out how many children the business associate of the funeral home has, how many grand kids and that her husband is not only a preacher but an AVID Fox News fan. Two and a half hours later we left and went to celebrate over lunch. When relaying our days adventure D-I-L, Kristen she was horrified that we did this without being thrown into a state of depression, Keri was grossed out but relieved and thankful that we had taken care of this, and various other friends and family had differing reactions.
As I explained to all, Hey, we're Irish and there is nothing an Irishman loves more than a good reason to get drunk and party. And funerals are right up there at the top of the list of good reasons to party! So keep this blog in mind and when it is my turn to kick the proverbial bucket be sure you show up to tell stories, laugh and have a good time. You never know when it will be your turn so party while you can.
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