The trouble with depression is that it is so depressing. Unfortunately or probably FORTUNATELY I still have my sense of humor and can see the humor in what I am experiencing these past weeks. Also awareness of knowing how I can feel when taking the proper medication helps me not just stay in bed and cry for the day.
I am thinking if I stay with this horrid medication that I have switched to I could become the official blogger for the entire population who suffer from depression. But then I would still have to get out of bed to get to my computer to write because I HATE writing on my iPad or iPhone. Those "key pads" are just too tiny for my fat fingers. And who's dumb idea was it to split the key pad on the iPad? Dumbest idea ever !
To easy your minds I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for this coming Tuesday to get myself off this stupid medication that is poorly named "WELL"something something and either go back to the tried and true stuff that has worked for me for years or something in the same major dose ball park. Now that we have scientifically established the fact that the patient, (moi), is an official sufferer from depression and related issues let us bring in the Big Guns and fight this shit with some good old fashioned heavy duty drugs.
I may not have lost my sense of humor, that just comes as part of the package of me but I sure as hell have lost my laughter! In the past couple of weeks I have managed to royally mess up a whole bunch of things in my life. For one thing I have blown off two very lovely friends down here in Florida because I just can not deal with other people for any length of time. They keep calling asking to get together but my tolerance for social interaction is at an all time low. I don't even want to be with the grand kids so you know how bad I am feeling! Every time the phone rings I cringe thinking it will be someone wanting to "get together". The effort to smile and keep up a conversation is exhausting. Please don't ask me for advice because my advice isn't worth the air I am breathing. My brain is functioning at such a low level of "good thoughts" that I don't trust myself to make decisions for dinner never mind life changing issues for some one else's life.
My little Cathie Cave of a home is probably the worst place in the world for me right now because it is small and dark but I can't bring myself to leave it. It suits my mood and no one can get to me if I choose not to give them access. Don't tell me that it's not good for me to be alone. The emotional energy spent with other's will set me back days. Just let me be and I will crawl out of the cave come "spring". I promise I will bloom again but until then just leave me be. Don't try to "reach out to me" to help. I will screen your call because talking is exhausting.
Depression SUCKS big time ! I want you all to know that it is real. I can't stress that enough because of the years I spent living with it when I was married to H and he would say those famous words, (repeat with me folks) . . . " JUST GET OVER IT ! ". Which I have been trying to do but it just doesn't work. But as I said before, I am aware this time around, what the problem is and am being proactive to get this situation fixed.
So until the time that I get some different medication, Hopefully Tuesday, and it kicks in, Hopefully Tuesday night! (just kidding), I guess you are going to have to put up with mental health alerts. I can assure you I do have too much going on in my life to let this keep me down for too long. Today I am making an attack on the Dollar Store to stock up on pool supplies for a weekend trip to LEGOLAND with the Pompano Gang to celebrate Smith's 7th birthday. We will only stay over at a "resort" for one night but we want to be prepared for lots of pool time. I'll buy myself a floating bed.
I'm sharing all this with the world because of the warped ideas people have about depression. So many people I encounter feel that they have the answer to making you "feel better". They suggest you "JUST DO" this that or the other thing. I want everyone to know it is a real "disease". Just like shingles or cancer. It attacks your mind and it doesn't let go. Your suggestions can't make it go away any more than burning a scented candle will make the pain of shingles disappear. Like cancer you treat it with different medications and hope to find the right one that will cure it or at best keep it at bay.
Friday, July 28, 2017
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
JUST SAY "YES"
I was born in the "40's", grew up in the "50's and partied through the "60's". We grew up with Smokey the Bear telling us, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires" and the "Litter Bug" telling us not to throw our trash out the window of the car or drop it on the sidewalk while sidewalks still existed. There was "Speedy" Alka Seltzer singing to us in his silly hat and tights and several other simplistic characters telling us simple things that the simple world of that time needed to be reminded of.
There were no big ad campaigns for "DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE", "DON'T DO DRUGS", or "JUST SAY NO" ! Hell, if there had been the sixties never would had happened !
It was a much less complicated time and we didn't need so many reminders of so many basic things that should be common sense. Or are they? I guess when the roads weren't so crowded and the cars weren't so fast and powerful it really didn't matter if we had a few drinks and then drove those couple of blocks home. But in this insane world you really are endangering your life and the lives of those around you, So YES I do agree whole heartedly with that ad campaign. To that we can now add,
HELLO ALL YOU IDIOTS WHO ARE TOTAL "A HOLES" :
DO NOT TEXT AND DRIVE !!!!!!!!!!!!
This is totally off point but seriously people, and I know I am preaching to the choir here, but REALLY? You are driving and TEXTING? OMG !!!! Every day I see this. On the highway!
If you are a moron and want to kill yourself that is fine with me but don't take me out with you. I already am doing a fine job of killing myself slowly with stress, the continued lack of sleep and over abundance of food. I don't need some idiot on a phone to take me out!
Now back to our blog . . .
As I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself, which actually plays right into the point of this whole blog in the first place, JUST SAY "YES" to drugs. So much for that failed ad campaign. I guess when the genius who came up with "JUST SAY NO" first threw that out on the table everyone cheered and clapped their hands and said how simple and perfect that is. Too bad it isn't that simple or perfect. Back to the issue of mental health here. . . finding the RIGHT drug isn't easy and so you are very tempted to not take any drug and/or go to your local dealer, if you are fortunate enough to have one, and get something that makes you feel so good that you forget you have a mental problem. You also forget you have a home and a family and a life. Or so I am told. (This is NOT what is going on in my life right now folks. I don't have any drug problems with myself or any of my family members. I'm just making a point.) The point being there are lots and lots of "good" drugs for ALL our mental problems but finding the right one is a crap shoot. I have been on an anti-depressant for years. Being the genius that I am I decided, and here is the genius part, right before I left for Alaska, which is over three thousand miles away from my doctor, that I would CHANGE my medication. Don't ask! There were lots of reasons factored into this decision which I will not share with you right now. I had had several conversations with my doctor in the past about the possibility of making this change and we had on all these previous occasions decided to stick with what I was on. Or "just say NO" to change but that is not me and so days before I left for this journey I made the decision to switch medications.
Sometimes you shouldn't fix something that ain't broke. That should be an ad campaign. I'll be going back to the doctor next week to see what I can do to get back on my old medication or maybe try something different because this was one time that I should have just said "no" and not upset the apple cart.
Who comes up with these sayings anyway ?
There were no big ad campaigns for "DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE", "DON'T DO DRUGS", or "JUST SAY NO" ! Hell, if there had been the sixties never would had happened !
It was a much less complicated time and we didn't need so many reminders of so many basic things that should be common sense. Or are they? I guess when the roads weren't so crowded and the cars weren't so fast and powerful it really didn't matter if we had a few drinks and then drove those couple of blocks home. But in this insane world you really are endangering your life and the lives of those around you, So YES I do agree whole heartedly with that ad campaign. To that we can now add,
HELLO ALL YOU IDIOTS WHO ARE TOTAL "A HOLES" :
DO NOT TEXT AND DRIVE !!!!!!!!!!!!
This is totally off point but seriously people, and I know I am preaching to the choir here, but REALLY? You are driving and TEXTING? OMG !!!! Every day I see this. On the highway!
If you are a moron and want to kill yourself that is fine with me but don't take me out with you. I already am doing a fine job of killing myself slowly with stress, the continued lack of sleep and over abundance of food. I don't need some idiot on a phone to take me out!
Now back to our blog . . .
As I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself, which actually plays right into the point of this whole blog in the first place, JUST SAY "YES" to drugs. So much for that failed ad campaign. I guess when the genius who came up with "JUST SAY NO" first threw that out on the table everyone cheered and clapped their hands and said how simple and perfect that is. Too bad it isn't that simple or perfect. Back to the issue of mental health here. . . finding the RIGHT drug isn't easy and so you are very tempted to not take any drug and/or go to your local dealer, if you are fortunate enough to have one, and get something that makes you feel so good that you forget you have a mental problem. You also forget you have a home and a family and a life. Or so I am told. (This is NOT what is going on in my life right now folks. I don't have any drug problems with myself or any of my family members. I'm just making a point.) The point being there are lots and lots of "good" drugs for ALL our mental problems but finding the right one is a crap shoot. I have been on an anti-depressant for years. Being the genius that I am I decided, and here is the genius part, right before I left for Alaska, which is over three thousand miles away from my doctor, that I would CHANGE my medication. Don't ask! There were lots of reasons factored into this decision which I will not share with you right now. I had had several conversations with my doctor in the past about the possibility of making this change and we had on all these previous occasions decided to stick with what I was on. Or "just say NO" to change but that is not me and so days before I left for this journey I made the decision to switch medications.
Sometimes you shouldn't fix something that ain't broke. That should be an ad campaign. I'll be going back to the doctor next week to see what I can do to get back on my old medication or maybe try something different because this was one time that I should have just said "no" and not upset the apple cart.
Who comes up with these sayings anyway ?
Friday, July 21, 2017
MENTAL HEALTH * SERIOUSLY
NO JOKING TODAY FOLKS ! I'm upset beyond upset and don't know how to convey this to people I love but sometimes we just can't "HANDLE IT" !
That used to be Husbands favorite phrase when I was feeling depressed or angry or overwhelmed. He would give me a look of bewilderment, total uncomprehending, and tell me to " GET OVER IT!" As if that were something within my realm of capability that I just hadn't thought of on my own.
Guess what ! There ARE some of us folks out here who, try as we may, just can not get our emotions in check to function in a calm, acceptable manner all day every day. Some of us need a little help every so often and THANK YOU GOD the pharmaceutical companies have been more than obliging in finding ways to accommodate us. It is a growing and profitable business which unfortunately doesn't add to the credibility of mental health but thank God the help is there because the NEED is there.
I happen to have some history of mental issues in my family. (Although some of us will not admit to the fact.) Times being what they were in the early to mid 1900's we can't really be sure what the exact problems were but as I look around me today ... Well, let's just say all the nuts didn't fall far from the tree.
Seriously, my mom had anger issues, my dad, for as calm as he appeared to one and all, had a horrible temper once it was unleashed. He was completely out of control once he lost his temper, which I was fortunate enough to have only witnessed once or twice as a child. My German grandfather was apparently one step this side of Hitler and one of his sons was in a mental institute. Those are just the few I can talk about. What I am saying here is that everyone knows someone who could use a little something to take the edge off in life BUT SOMETIMES there are family traits, something in the genes, something genetically passed on from generation to generation that you just can not brush off as JUST GET OVER IT !
And that, my dear one one, is when you look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I NEED HELP!".
It's not easy to do, especially for men who seem to think THEY can be in control of their lives. You start making excuses about the job being too demanding, the kids are behavior problems, you have money problems, the car isn't working right, you need a new roof. It goes on and on and the reasons your STRESS builds and builds and you explode at everything. Everyone tells you that's "NORMAL" because you are under so much pressure but when you are turning purple because of the rage you are feeling and can't control that emotion of anger you are well beyond the range of normal.
You can't control your brain. Mental health controls you. Suck it up, get help, save yourself and save your family. IT'S IMPORTANT !
That used to be Husbands favorite phrase when I was feeling depressed or angry or overwhelmed. He would give me a look of bewilderment, total uncomprehending, and tell me to " GET OVER IT!" As if that were something within my realm of capability that I just hadn't thought of on my own.
Guess what ! There ARE some of us folks out here who, try as we may, just can not get our emotions in check to function in a calm, acceptable manner all day every day. Some of us need a little help every so often and THANK YOU GOD the pharmaceutical companies have been more than obliging in finding ways to accommodate us. It is a growing and profitable business which unfortunately doesn't add to the credibility of mental health but thank God the help is there because the NEED is there.
I happen to have some history of mental issues in my family. (Although some of us will not admit to the fact.) Times being what they were in the early to mid 1900's we can't really be sure what the exact problems were but as I look around me today ... Well, let's just say all the nuts didn't fall far from the tree.
Seriously, my mom had anger issues, my dad, for as calm as he appeared to one and all, had a horrible temper once it was unleashed. He was completely out of control once he lost his temper, which I was fortunate enough to have only witnessed once or twice as a child. My German grandfather was apparently one step this side of Hitler and one of his sons was in a mental institute. Those are just the few I can talk about. What I am saying here is that everyone knows someone who could use a little something to take the edge off in life BUT SOMETIMES there are family traits, something in the genes, something genetically passed on from generation to generation that you just can not brush off as JUST GET OVER IT !
And that, my dear one one, is when you look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I NEED HELP!".
It's not easy to do, especially for men who seem to think THEY can be in control of their lives. You start making excuses about the job being too demanding, the kids are behavior problems, you have money problems, the car isn't working right, you need a new roof. It goes on and on and the reasons your STRESS builds and builds and you explode at everything. Everyone tells you that's "NORMAL" because you are under so much pressure but when you are turning purple because of the rage you are feeling and can't control that emotion of anger you are well beyond the range of normal.
You can't control your brain. Mental health controls you. Suck it up, get help, save yourself and save your family. IT'S IMPORTANT !
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
I WANT MY MOM
I have been spending a LOT of time with the grand kids lately so I am hearing that phrase quite a bit. I am also coming to feel that way myself after being "on the road" so much compounded with switching my mental health medications. Yup! I'm at the point of wanting to curl up in a ball in a corner some where, stick my thumb in my mouth and put a paper or possibly plastic bag over my head for at least a month. (I was a hopeless "thumb sucker' for YEARS as a kid. My first grade teacher went so far as to tie my arm behind my back. I vividly remember sitting at my desk in school with my left arm tied behind me. Can you picture that happening in this day and age? And by the way, it did not work. I continued to suck my thumb until I was about 11 !)
There is too much pressing in on me these days, over extended travel plans which lead to too much spending. Not enough time at home to regroup and catch up on "paper work" which results in miss bill payments which adds to the stress. Trying to make ALL the grand kids happy is an impossible task, not by their standards but by mine. I always want to do more or spend more time with them. I joke that I will sleep when I am dead but often think that may be sooner than any of us think if I don't get more sleep!
Kent is home all summer babysitting 3 kids in a home that has no yard to put them out in. Why do people live in apartments? Yuck ! I want to help there.
Keri just moved to Florida and Kaelin is having such a hard time leaving her friends and home in Maryland so I want to help there.
Kyle is in Georgia with teenager Roman who just doesn't want to do anything mom and dad expect of him. I want to help there.
And then I decide I should change medications! Not one of my brightest decisions of my life. RIGHT BEFORE I leave for 2 months in Alaska I go to a new OBGYN who I really really liked. It was just a routine visit but we got talking and in the course of the conversation I mention that I have been on Paxil for about 20 years. This sens up red flags to her and we discuss some side effects that I did get from it and WE decide it would be in my best interest to switch me over to a different anti-depressant. EVEN THOUGH I am leaving for 2 months this is the plan. No problem ! She even goes so far as to foolishly sat, "You may not even need ANY medication any more!" Like mental health is like the common cold and cures itself after ten years. I think not ! HELLO ! The new medication is okay but it is NOT doing for me what my old meds did. It appears I am in fact a true basket case who is in need of drugs. I believe we have established this fact several times over the past several years but now there has been a documented field test to prove the point. We also now have documented proof that not all doctors are smart. AND not all patients are smart, as I have proven as well.
What I am going to do from this point is yet to be determined. If I'm going to do my very best as a grand ma then I better get my medications straightened out. I can't function on 4 hours sleep a night. But then if I sleep less I will have more time to catch up on all the other stuff that need doing.
I guess I'll just have to sleep on it!
There is too much pressing in on me these days, over extended travel plans which lead to too much spending. Not enough time at home to regroup and catch up on "paper work" which results in miss bill payments which adds to the stress. Trying to make ALL the grand kids happy is an impossible task, not by their standards but by mine. I always want to do more or spend more time with them. I joke that I will sleep when I am dead but often think that may be sooner than any of us think if I don't get more sleep!
Kent is home all summer babysitting 3 kids in a home that has no yard to put them out in. Why do people live in apartments? Yuck ! I want to help there.
Keri just moved to Florida and Kaelin is having such a hard time leaving her friends and home in Maryland so I want to help there.
Kyle is in Georgia with teenager Roman who just doesn't want to do anything mom and dad expect of him. I want to help there.
And then I decide I should change medications! Not one of my brightest decisions of my life. RIGHT BEFORE I leave for 2 months in Alaska I go to a new OBGYN who I really really liked. It was just a routine visit but we got talking and in the course of the conversation I mention that I have been on Paxil for about 20 years. This sens up red flags to her and we discuss some side effects that I did get from it and WE decide it would be in my best interest to switch me over to a different anti-depressant. EVEN THOUGH I am leaving for 2 months this is the plan. No problem ! She even goes so far as to foolishly sat, "You may not even need ANY medication any more!" Like mental health is like the common cold and cures itself after ten years. I think not ! HELLO ! The new medication is okay but it is NOT doing for me what my old meds did. It appears I am in fact a true basket case who is in need of drugs. I believe we have established this fact several times over the past several years but now there has been a documented field test to prove the point. We also now have documented proof that not all doctors are smart. AND not all patients are smart, as I have proven as well.
What I am going to do from this point is yet to be determined. If I'm going to do my very best as a grand ma then I better get my medications straightened out. I can't function on 4 hours sleep a night. But then if I sleep less I will have more time to catch up on all the other stuff that need doing.
I guess I'll just have to sleep on it!
Monday, July 3, 2017
CRAZY DOES DO OVERS
I have heard that in Texas "Debbie 'Does' Dallas" but up here in Alaska "Crazy" does do overs !
Last night Dwayne and I went out to dinner at a neat restaurant way outside of Fairbanks called the Turtle Club. (This has absolutely NOTHING to do with my original story but it's a good little side note.). Fairbanks is NOT Palm Beach Gardens when it comes to dining, shopping, or just about anything. Trying to get anything better than the latest featured item at Taco Bell for a fine dining experience is just not going to happen. I have not seen a restaurant. Plenty of diners, fast food and a zillion little shacks along the side of the road featuring everything from coffee to Thai food which, for some odd reason is the most popular up here. Almost every parking lot or gas station along the roads in town or to distant places, (spaced 200 or more miles apart) have a little shack with an Asian guy cooking Thai food. But back to the story within the story. Dwayne was generously given a gift card for dinner at THE TURTLE CLUB. It seems to be THE PLACE TO GO if you live in Fairbanks and want to eat something more than Mac Donald's . This being our last week here we chose last night to go have a lovely dinner of prime rib and shrimp. The place was quaint and the food was good. The prime rib was excellent! It was a nice night out ALONE after 2 months of being here living with DJ and his family. Please don't think I am not appreciative of the hospitality shown me but when choosing to live in the cuckoo's nest I should have realized I would be living with the cuckoo! After dinner Dwayne and I returned to the house to find DJ, Rene, (aka THE CUCKOO), and the 2 girls gathered in the kitchen around a 3 layer home made birthday cake all decorated with candles. The dogs had balloons tied to their collars, and a "party" was happening, waiting for our return so the cake could be cut. Okay you say, that's not so strange. People celebrate birthdays. Sure they do but not when you have just had a bunch of people over the day before for a party ON Emmy's actual birthday with home made pizza and a 3 layer home made birthday cake celebrating Emmy's 8th birthday.
UNLESS, MAYBE . . . If you get so drunk that you totally act like a complete ass and ruin the entire party for the child? I guess then maybe you might want to do a DO OVER !
I kid you not! This woman(?) person actually baked a whole new cake and staged a whole new party, staging pictures, snapping posed photos because she was so drunk the previous day and created SUCH a scene, and acted like such a total A Hole to an 8 year old child using the most foul language and then thinks she can make this right with a second cake the next day!
GOD HELP US !
Last night Dwayne and I went out to dinner at a neat restaurant way outside of Fairbanks called the Turtle Club. (This has absolutely NOTHING to do with my original story but it's a good little side note.). Fairbanks is NOT Palm Beach Gardens when it comes to dining, shopping, or just about anything. Trying to get anything better than the latest featured item at Taco Bell for a fine dining experience is just not going to happen. I have not seen a restaurant. Plenty of diners, fast food and a zillion little shacks along the side of the road featuring everything from coffee to Thai food which, for some odd reason is the most popular up here. Almost every parking lot or gas station along the roads in town or to distant places, (spaced 200 or more miles apart) have a little shack with an Asian guy cooking Thai food. But back to the story within the story. Dwayne was generously given a gift card for dinner at THE TURTLE CLUB. It seems to be THE PLACE TO GO if you live in Fairbanks and want to eat something more than Mac Donald's . This being our last week here we chose last night to go have a lovely dinner of prime rib and shrimp. The place was quaint and the food was good. The prime rib was excellent! It was a nice night out ALONE after 2 months of being here living with DJ and his family. Please don't think I am not appreciative of the hospitality shown me but when choosing to live in the cuckoo's nest I should have realized I would be living with the cuckoo! After dinner Dwayne and I returned to the house to find DJ, Rene, (aka THE CUCKOO), and the 2 girls gathered in the kitchen around a 3 layer home made birthday cake all decorated with candles. The dogs had balloons tied to their collars, and a "party" was happening, waiting for our return so the cake could be cut. Okay you say, that's not so strange. People celebrate birthdays. Sure they do but not when you have just had a bunch of people over the day before for a party ON Emmy's actual birthday with home made pizza and a 3 layer home made birthday cake celebrating Emmy's 8th birthday.
UNLESS, MAYBE . . . If you get so drunk that you totally act like a complete ass and ruin the entire party for the child? I guess then maybe you might want to do a DO OVER !
I kid you not! This woman(?) person actually baked a whole new cake and staged a whole new party, staging pictures, snapping posed photos because she was so drunk the previous day and created SUCH a scene, and acted like such a total A Hole to an 8 year old child using the most foul language and then thinks she can make this right with a second cake the next day!
GOD HELP US !
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