THE BEATINGS HAVE TO STOP !

That would be the self inflicted mental beatings that I punish myself with each and every evening.  I seem to be fine during the day but once night falls I start whupping myself up side my haid with all the garbage I have eaten through out the day and how disgusting I feel, look, AM. Mental brutality is the worst kind and I am quite a pro at it.
Part of the problem is I don't see myself as FAT. I look in the mirror and my eyes see the 20 year old from Oh Soooooooo long ago, with a few more pounds than I would like. I am not seeing the actual 65 year old OBEASE WOMAN. Nothing wrong with my mirror or my eyes, it is the brain that is malfunctioning.
A good example of this was my cousin showing me a picture today. It was a photo of her and her second husband, taken when they were just married and in their late 30's. They were both very attractive people with full dark hair and not an extra ounce of fat on them. Cousin "L" told me she hasn't changed all that much in these past 40 years, maybe a different hair color but other than that she looked the same. I stared at the photo to make sure I was looking at the same picture as she. Then I looked at the white haired 80 year old woman across the table from me and wondered how she could possibly think she still looked like the person in the photo.  But isn't that what I am doing every time I look in the mirror?

I don't know how to break this chain of over eating and then being miserable and then eating because I am upset with myself.  I have fought this for 50 years and still haven't figured it out. Any suggestions ?

CRASHED AND BURNING !

For all "UPS" there has to be a "DOWN" and today is my day.  I am still joyous of the wonderful Christmas we have had but my mental capacity to be kind and generous and just down right NICE is at an all time low.  I need to bash my head against the wall while screaming "GET THE F... OUT OF MY FACE!" to any and all that come within a 20 mile radius of me.
I like to think I am a "GOOD" person and am kind to all. That Catholic up-bringing haunts me daily into trying to be a living model of Jesus. But some times I just have the need to let the devil in and just say and do what ever the hell I am feeling in the moment. I will always have boundaries no matter how nasty I want to be but it still feels good to take down all the filters and flick the Jiminy Cricket off my shoulder and into a pile of shit so he can't be my conscience for a while. That freaking cricket is always in my ear telling me what to say and what to keep inside. The filters that most of relatives don't have are thick as a mattress on me because my mother was famous for just opening her mouth and saying what ever came to mind. Things like, "You're not as fat as you used to be" or "With those hips are you sure you want to wear that?".  Subtlety is not a Helfrich trait and I am half Helfrich, thank you Mom. All those things that I would see and hear growing up stuck in my head and made me swear I would NEVER do or say "THAT". And so I am wound tight as a clock on a day to day basis but every now and then when things have been busy busy busy my spring snaps and I loose it.
Today being that day, in spite of the extra happy pills, I am finding just the breathing of Husband to be nails on a chalk board. Forget breakfast this morning. I though I would leap across the table and slam him with my cup of hot chocolate because of the way he was chewing. If I ever did I probably wouldn't stop till he was dead. That is how bad today is. My kids, especially the youngest, mention things about their dad that "bother" them and I usually tell them to get over it, we are who we are and you can just ignore the annoying things. Today their list is running through my head and I am going to explode rather than ignore. It is like all the worst traits and habits are high-lighted just to make sure I see and hear them.
It would be best for all if I could take a couple of drinks, crawl under the covers and watch a few hundred movies until this mood passes. But even then I know that Husband would be in and out of the bedroom to use the bathroom, get a pair of socks, ask if I wanted anything etc. etc. etc. Even when I tell him that I need SPACE he doesn't hear what I am saying. I guess he has a death wish and today that wish just may come true.
As the plaque on my wall says:

"DEAR LORD: I PRAY FOR THE WISDOM TO UNDERSTAND MY MAN; LOVE TO FORGIVE HIM- PATIENCE FOR HIS MOODS-
BECAUSE, LORD,  IF I PRAYED FOR STRENGTH,  I'D BEAT HIM TO DEATH !"

I sure hope Husband is saying the same prayer cause I just might get beat to death if this mood doesn't pass quickly!

CHRISTMAS GIFTS AND A LUMP OF COAL

Christmas comes in all sorts of ways. Today we received the very best gift of all . . .  a phone call from a long lost friend. This person is so special to our family but he has been lost for a while now. But today we heard from him and it was like the years had fallen away and all the nightmares of the past several years were finally over. This wonderful person has been to hell and back and is now reaching out to us once again. I sat and cried as Ger talked with him on the phone this morning and all the prayers that have been said for him were finally answered. There is not a gift in this world that could have been as precious as that one phone call. There really are Christmas miracles.
But on the flip side, the next phone call was to tell me that one of my NY cousins was in a car/bus accident yesterday and is in the hospital with a broken pelvis and ankle. I had called her yesterday to wish her and her husband a very Merry Christmas. Dutch told me that Barbara had just gone out to get him some medicine for the cough he has and she would call me back when she got home. This morning Dutch called to say that Barbara had not called back because she didn't come home ! She seems to have pulled out in front of a bus that hit her broadside on the drivers side. It totalled her brand new Yaris which saved her life with all it's air bags. She will be spending Christmas in the hospital and New Years in rehab but at least she is alive and well enough to talk on the phone. Christmas miracle #2 !
And our last gift of the day . . . a phone call from Long Island from a friend and her three kids and grandma Josie. Old friends who we have had the joy of watching from birth to adulthood. Each one got on the phone and talked and talked. It was like being with them and sharing their family joy. We got off the phone an hour later feeling like we had just visited with them here in our home.

It is a great time for miracles and gifts this year. Tomorrow Kent, Kristen and Smith will come to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with us and I know that will be the icing on a wonderful Christmas cake!

2 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS

I am starting to get very worried !  I am relaxed and don't have a thousand things to do. In fact Ger and I are looking for things to do.  (Almost passing out at the blood bank today does not count!  I went to give platelets again today and for what ever reason got 10 minutes from the end and got all woozy and felt awful. Thank goodness Ger was there to meet me for lunch so I had him to watch out for me. Feeling much better tonight!)
Because Keri and Kyle won't be here for Christmas this year there is no running to the airport, baking and cooking for days and cleaning like a crazy woman. This year it is just the little man, Smith, with his mom and dad and I am actually enjoying the holidays quite a bit more. I LOVE having the whole family here but this is kind of nice too. Smith's gifts are all under the tree and we are ready for our little angel to make his appearance. Last I heard they were coming on Christmas Eve but that could change.
I hope you are all having as enjoyable a preamble to Christmas as we are.  We'll be running again before we know it but for now it is nice and calm.
Merry Christmas every one!

MIDNIGHT MASS

WE went to Midnight mass today at 11 AM.  As usual the bishop said a beautiful mass and gave an inspiring homily. The mass is one that is videoed for all the people who are shut-in and cannot attend mass on Christmas. Each year the parish asks the parishioners to dress up in their Sunday best and come celebrate "Midnight Mass" on a Monday morning. The cathedral is all decorated for the holiday and all the people are filled with the joy of Christmas, . . . a week early.
Yesterday Ger and I spent the day baking Christmas goodies. We experimented with some new things and managed to produce some really good treats. (There goes the diet!) I made 2 different quiches for Christmas weekend so Kent and Kristen won't starve to death while waiting for dinner.  It will only be the 5 of us but like Thanksgiving there will be more food than necessary.
In the middle of the baking extravaganza yesterday Kent, Kristen and Smith arrived.  They had been away for the weekend and had left Mookie the dog here with us. They were on their way home and stopped to get the dog. Smith had napped for the 3 hour drive so he was wide awake and ready to spend some fun time with grandma and grandpa. We rolled around on the floor for a while and chewed on all the Christmas stuffed animals that I have around the living room. Smith is now making more noises and always has a great big smile for his grandparents. I had crocheted a little hat and scarf for Smith, more as a joke because living in South Florida there really isn't much need for hats and scarves. Lucky for Smith it has been COLD here and he was very happy to have a nice warm hat to wear home.
And so the count down to the REAL Christmas continues. I feel like Kaelin . . .

                                      I SOOOOO  ESSCITED !

CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS

We just celebrated our second Christmas of this season and it isn't even December 20th yet !
Our first Christmas was last week with Kaelin up in Maryland.  That was fantastic and I didn't think it could get much better than that.  Then today we got a Skype call from England and we celebrated all over again with Kyle and his family. Because the kids are off for 2 weeks over there the English Lawlor's will be celebrating Christmas day (week) in the French Alps, at/on Mt. Blanc*, skiing. Since they will not be at home in Windsor on the 25th of December they celebrated Christmas today, complete with a foot of snow on the ground. Kyle said the kids were super excited and were up at dawn. Then when they realized it was starting to snow the day became even better.  Abby and Roman exchanged gifts and  spend the morning playing. (Kyle and Bridget's gift from us was a new set of luggage for all their European travels so they spent the morning packing.)  By noon Kyle said there was a foot of snow on the ground so the afternoon was spent playing in the snow.  Who knew they could have stayed in Windsor for skiing?
The family called us around 3 this afternoon US time. It was nearly 8 there and they were winding down for the day. It had been a wonderful Christmas for them and we had just as great a time hearing all about it. The Play Dough Fun Factory was a HUGE hit with Abby and the Ninja Zhu Zhu Hamster and armor was just what Roman wanted. When Abby and Roman exchanged gifts and she got a Zhu Zhu Hamster Boat and Roman got a Radio Controlled Car so they had a great time with "hamsters" flying and floating all over the place.
Aunt Kristen and Uncle Kent did a great job sending the kids crafts. We got to see the finished products of Abby's "Make a Doll" and Roman's Plaster Buzz Light Year that he had to create and then paint.  Both crafts were awesome and the kids were very proud of their accomplishments.
By now they are sound asleep and dreaming of their first Christmas as a family. Kyle said Roman was so excited he was shaking! Last year at this time he was just getting to meet the family for the first time when he came to the USA as a visitor. And now he is part of a most wonderfully amazing family.
GOD BLESS US EVERYONE !

*When Ger and I got married we traveled through Europe for 6 weeks and one of our most memorable stops was Mt. Blanc. We never thought then that our grandchildren would be skiing there.

WANT TO SEE A CUTE KID ?

I promised a picture of Kaelin and her new hat !  It's a toss up as to which one she will wear the most.  Hat #1 was crocheted by grandma.  Hat #2 was brought to Kaelin from New Orleans by her daddy. I think she likes his the best!  What a silly girl.  I was lucky to get the picture of the hat I made her because we were heading out to kid fit and she was ready to GO !  No time for pictures, silly grandma, let's get going.  As for the cheesy picture in daddy's hat, Kaelin thought she was looking just fine so she was ready to pose for the rest of the night.

As you can see we had lots of things going on while in Maryland. Tree trimming, family photos at
Kaelin's church, and most important of all . . .
BAKING COOKIES !  Cookie baking can't get
any easier than these cookies. We just opened the
box, took out the frozen cookies and baked them.

Trimming the Tree

Kaelin did add some sprinkles of her own but it really wasn't necessary.  We had a great time and Kaelin loved eating them as much as she loved making them.

 

MARYLAND SLEEPING SICKNESS

This is a  medical alert for residents and travelers in the state of Maryland. I fear that grandpa has brought the Florida sleeping sickness to the state of Maryland and I need to warn all the wives and mothers out there. This is a horrific disease that only effects men. The older they are the worse the disease seems to effect them. Ger contracted  this illness ten years ago when he retired. It usually attacks around mid day and can last for hours at a time. On some occasions it will fell its victim right after they get up for the day and does not subside until bed time. It seems that the cold and rain in Maryland has accelerated the virus because Ger has been doing nothing but sitting on the couch sleeping. Kaelin attempts to wake him and engage him in play but he finds it impossible to rouse from the stupor. Beware because with the Christmas season just a few weeks away I imaging many more dads and grandpas will fall prey to this dreaded malady.

Do you need to know any more about our Christmas trip to Maryland?  I have been having a great time with Kaelin.  We are getting into just about every toy in the entire house and having great fun making huge  messes. Steve has been away in New Orleans for the past 4 days at a meeting so we have had full run of the house. We have baked Christmas cookies and we have eaten Christmas cookies. We have wrapped gifts and we have opened gifts. We have read a bunch of books and watched every Christmas special that has been on for the past month. (Thanks to the DVR) Rudolph happens to be the favorite !
Kaelin is growing up even more than the last time we saw her in October. She talks non stop and has discovered the words "NO" and "I Don't Want To".  But she does not throw a fit when she looses the NO battle. She will argue the point for a bit but if we stick to our plan she gives in.  It has been cold here so grandma crocheted her a hat. (pictures to follow once I get home.) and a scarf. Kaelin wore the hat once but it kept falling over her eyes so that was the end of that. I have since fixed that problem but she just won't put it back on her head. The scarf she loves because it matches her new coat. (So does the hat but that doesn't matter.) On Friday Kaelin, grandpa and I went to kid fit for some exercise and then home for lunch and a nap. Come nap time Kaelin insisted she wasn't tired and grandma gave in and let her stay up. Grandpa was already back to sleep on the couch. Kaelin and I played kitchen in her room where she has the best play kitchen in the world along with some really fun play foods. At one point Kaelin decided to bring Grandpa a "potato chip". It really does look like a chip but it is plastic. Unfortunately Grandpa was half asleep and thought the chip was real. Grandpa will be visiting the dentist next week to fix his broken tooth. Grandma had to do a wash after peeing my pants from laughing.

Speaking of peeing,  that is the other big event in Kaelin's life. Potty training is under way and will come to a grand push over Christmas vacation when Keri and Steve can both focus on it. Kaelin has the idea and does go on the potty some times but it isn't a done deal yet. Grandpa had a hard time getting into the thrill of clapping hands when ever Kaelin successfully peed on the potty. I had hoped he would take some lessons along with her and learn how to pee IN the potty and not near or on it. 41 years of marriage and I haven't been able to accomplish that. Good luck to Keri and Steve.

GETTING READY FOR CHRISTMAS WITH HUSBAND

GER: Should we decorate for Christmas?
CATH: Sure.
Ger:  Where are the decorations ?
C:  In the garage.
Ger:  Where in the garage?
C:  In the boxes.
Ger:  Which boxes?
C: The ones that say "Christmas" on them.
Ger finds the boxes and brings in just one after I ask him NOT to bring them all in at once. He opens the first box, takes something out and says, "Where does this go?"

Three days later I have taken numerous "Happy Pills" and managed not to kill him.  He does not understand why I am "In A Mood".  But all is out and that is done.  Now we can move on to wrapping gifts.

GER: Do you want me to wrap some gifts?
Cath: Sure.
Ger: Which gifts?
I give him a pile of gifts.
Ger: What paper should I use?
I give him the paper.
Ger:  Where are the scissors?
I give him the scissors.
Ger: Where is the .........................................

DOES ANYONE HAVE SOME EGG NOG TO WASH THESE HAPPY PILLS DOWN ?

RELAX !

Husband just walked out the door and the word "RELAX" was his parting word to me. ( This was said to me as I had been running around collecting all the things that he needed to take with him on his trip to the dentist and post office.) As the door shut my BP dropped 20 points, my shoulders relaxed and the tension in my neck fell away. Not because he told me to relax but because he went out the door for hopefully 2 hours.
Husband and I have been doing very well. I have been trying very hard to change my behavior and attitudes toward the man I have been married to for 41 years. And it is working ! We are laughing a lot more and doing more things together but every so often it is healing to have some alone time IN THE HOUSE. That seems to be the major complaint of most women. "I just want some time to myself AT HOME to do what I want to do." This is not a criticism of husband, it is just a need that we women have to putter, sing, sit, and think without the TV on in the back ground. We need some uninterrupted time where we don't have to stop what we are doing to find husband's glasses, make husband's lunch or "Come see THIS!" on the TV.
THE QUIET !  I love the quiet ! I can THINK ! I can hear the washer running, the pool pump is soothing, the hum of the air filter. AHHHHHHHHH !  It is so soothing I want to just lie down and enjoy the peace and quiet but it is also such treasured time that I can get so much done. So my blood pressure will rise and my neck and shoulders will tense and I will be a lunatic by the time husband comes home because I didn't get anything done.
Poor Husband, He just can't win !