MY ROBO VAC IS MALE

 If you have ever tried to learn a foreign language you have encountered the bizar phenomenon of objects being male or female.   WHY ?????   

When I went to high school I had to spend 2 years learning a language.  For whatever reason I decided it would be brilliant to take LATIN . . . after all it is the basis for most languages. I would learn so much that would help me with all my other subjects, especially ENGLISH which I was baffled by.  Pronouns, adjectives, semi-colons. Bah Humbug on all of it.  And so I entered my freshman year taking Latin.  It did NOT go well.  I spent 2 years sinking deeper and deeper into failure.  WHO'S BRILLIANT IDEA WAS THIS ?????? And so when I failed the Latin Regents with a 64 (65 was passing) I found myself having to make another attempt at a foreign language in order to graduate with an Academic diploma.  French was my next foray into the land of languages.  (I managed to pass that with a 72.  The God's and teachers just wanted to get rid of me so they were merciful.)

The one thing that I found with most foreign languages is that they assign a "sex" to all objects.  In French every object was either Le, male or LA, female. The door was female . . . LA porte, the refrigerator was male, making it LE.   The shoe was female LA and the hammer is male LE.  (At least that one makes sense).

WHY ?  I do not understand why objects need to have a sex.   UNTIL the other day when I sent my robo vac off and running through my home.  I have named my vacuum Schlurpy. I only turn it on when The Man is not home. Schlurpy loves to suck up The Man's oxygen tubing that is all over the house.  It also like to suck up phone charger cords and it loves to chase The Man around the house. Thus it only gets turned on when he is not home. 

I never thought of Schlurpy as having a gender.  It is just a neutral entity named Schlurpy. But now I know it's true identity   IT IS MALE for sure !!!!   This fact came to light when Schlurpy disappeared on me. As is my usual routine the moment The Man leaves the house for his pulmonary rehab sessions I put up the bar stools in the kitchen, pick up on the counter, pick up throw rugs and turn on my little helper.  I love this thing.  It runs around for over an hour and puts itself back to bed in its charger just in time for The Man to come home.  

All was well with the world, I had my Christmas music on while I was cleaning up the house and Schlurpy was doing it's thing. I can usually hear it moving around, it is not silent but it's not noisy either.  As I moved from room to room I realized I couldn't hear the vacuum running.  If it gets hung up somewhere, which it does do occasionally, it will send up a loud beeping alarm.  That way I can find it and rescue it from its dilemma. It has a tendency to get hung up on door sills and corners of rugs. but this time I heard nothing. No beeping, no alarms, NOTHING !  I turned off the music, noting. I went into each room, noting.  I checked the charging port but it wasn't there either.  What the Heck ???????  Schlurpy went missing !!!!! And so the search began. I checked under the beds, in closets, outside . . . It has been known to escape over the door step if the doors are open. It does a lovely job of vacuuming the lanai. Even the dirt.

But schlurpy was no where to be found.  I had looked in all 4 rooms and the 2 bathrooms.  No schlurpy. As I wandered through the house for the third time I realized the door on the guest bathroom was now closed.  I had quickly looked in there earlier in my search but the door was open. Sure enough, I opened the door and there was schlurpy sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor just idling waiting for me to find it.  The silly thing had gone into the bathroom, went behind the door and as it pushed itself along the door it managed to lock itself in. 

It was at that moment I KNEW . . .  Schlurpy was MALE.  

SUCH A BUSY GUY

 The Man is EXHAUSTED !!!!  He had such a busy day yesterday that he is just exhausted.  

The Man made an appointment at the VA for yesterday at 1:00.   I have asked him over and over to be sure to check the calendar before he makes any appointments.   It's not like he can't find the calendar.  It is hanging on the kitchen wall right next to the fridge.  And should he not be able to find that onE there is a large 2 year desk calendar sitting on my desk. I have learned to use all my kindergarten tricks to help The Man be sure to keep track of appointments for himself.  I write ALL appointments on both calendars. Then I highlight them with either pink for me or blue for him.  Green if it something we will do together. (There aren't many green ones!) I have done this color coded system for at least 4 years now and I think it works great.  We can be sitting at the counter in the kitchen and just look across the room to see the calendar so we can always see who is going where on the next day.  I also ask that when The Man makes an appointment he write it on the calendar. It's a loosing battle.

About a week ago I came home to find that The Man had made an appointment all by his little self. He was very proud of himself and I hated to burst his bubble by telling him I already had an appointment for that day but because it was an hour and a half earlier than his meeting he was convinced it would be fine. The appointment was with a new doctor at the VA but he had no idea what it was for. The VA had called him and it was an appointment that I really should go to with him. He kept telling me I would have PLENTY of time to go to my appointment and then come home, pick him up for his appointment.  Having been to the imaging center at the local hospital every year since I have lived here I know how much they always are running behind,  I tried to explain this to The Man but he was having none of it.   So off I went and home he sat waiting for me to return.  After sitting for 45 minutes at the hospital I texted The Man and told him he would have to go to the VA alone because I had not even gotten into the imaging room, no less have the bone scan.  Off he went alone for his 1:00 meeting and I continued to sit another 15 minutes before being seen.

Here's where it gets insane.   I got out of my appointment at 1:00.  Since I was out and about and The Man was preoccupied I decided to go to the post office and mail The Man's Christmas packages to his 4 grand daughters.  Of course there was a line.  Thirty five minutes later I left the post office and decided to visit Cousin Lu Lu who had just gotten out of the hospital on Sunday.  She was happy to see me but was disappointed that she didn't have her makeup on for my visit.  I got her powder and lipstick so she could get her "face on".  Then she needed her jewelry that had been taken off when she went into the hospital.I found her bracelet, a couple of her rings but the earrings were a challenge.  I finally found ones that she thought would look good with her cotton nightgown.  Once she was gussied up I took her picture so she could see just how "good" she looked.  Then I showed her a picture of her younger sister who just had a stroke and looks like HELL.   Lu Lu was shocked !!!  Her comment .. .  "Well, SHE was always the pretty one.  Now I am the pretty one !!"   (That's pure Lu Lu).   After we got past the makeup and jewelry I offered to pull out her Christmas decorations and decorate her room.  She loved that !! I left there at 3:15 and headed home. 

EXCEPT I needed to. pick up Christmas cards for The Mans grand daughters so I stopped at the dollar store.  Then at the gas station to fill up and because it was now going on 4:00 and I had NOTHING planned for dinner, I stopped at the grocery store and bought some salmon cakes.

I walked into my house at 4:15 feeling beat up and dragged through the mud.   As usual The Man was sitting on the couch watching TV as I came in and sat in my recliner to ask about his appointment. I put my feet up and asked him how he made out.  

He was EXHAUSTED !   He had to walk down a long corridor and back when he got to the VA. The appointment was a complete waste of time and he was EXHAUSTED.   

I commiserated with him for a few minutes before I got back up to make dinner.  

He doesn't have a clue what exhausted IS !!!!!!!!

AND HE FLEW HELICOPTERS ???????

 I don't know how many times a day I mutter the words to myself, " He flew helicopters???"   The words are usually followed by a statement such as, "But he can't figure out how to open the front door." I guess it is the "simple" things in life that stump the male mind.   

On my first visit to Alaska with The Man he took me over to the Army base in Fairbanks where he had been stationed for the final 4 years of his Army career. On the base there is a helicopter simulator where the pilots in training learn the fundamentals of flying one of these massive machines. Let me tell you that just climbing into the seat was a challenge.  Once seated there was the largest mass of screens, handles, buttons, wires, monitors, FOOT PEDALS, and heaven knows what else.  God love the young guy who was in charge of training on this complicated machine because he managed to not scream out in panic or curse at me for destroying his simulator.  It was beyond overwhelming and yet The Man flew these things for over ten years.   But he can't figure out the TV remote.

This morning he asked me how to put the batteries into the remote for our bed. That conversation started with his asking if I was having trouble with the remote on my side of the bed.  They are two different remotes and work separately for the two halves of the bed.  Why the workings of one remote would affect the other remote I have no idea. When I told him he probably needed new batteries he asked where the batteries were?  (We use a LOT of batteries in our homes so he KNOWS where the batteries are.). OK, I'll give him that question.  When I got out the batteries he asked where they went in the remote.  You know exactly where I wanted to tell him to stick the batteries but I kept it civil.  Once told where the batteries go he actually asked how to open the battery compartment !  It was about this time I started muttering, "And he flew helicopters ??????"

There are at least three times a day that I ponder this fact. Perhaps because he was 40 years younger things were simpler for his poor little brain.  The one thing that he NEVER has trouble with is finding his morning donut or his evening ice cream.  Although he does have trouble finding the spoons.  Maybe that is because I am now intentionally putting things in places other where they are normally kept.  

Sometimes my evil side just needs a little fun.