IT STARTED OUT GREAT . . .

I woke up this morning at 7 AM and couldn't believe I had slept a full eight hours without waking up once.  Normally I wake up at least five times a night. A third of those awakenings are because I have to pee. All the other times I wake up because some part of my body is in pain and needs to get moved to a different position. These days it's mostly my shoulder that wakes me but on occasion it is the knees and back demanding attention. But last night I slept straight through and only that I had to pee I would probably still be asleep. I made a quick trip to the bathroom at 7 and decided I would just lie back down for a bit until I had to get up for my doctor appointment. Two and a half hours later I opened my eyes and couldn't believe I had slept so soundly. Because I had to leave for the doctor in an hour I crawled out of bed and started to pull myself together. The following hour was only interrupted by two phone calls from the hospital where I will have my surgery and one visit from D who was kind enough to check on me to make sure I was alive and moving.  Both phone calls took up a maximum of 3 minutes total. D's visit took considerably longer. Once he saw I was up he wanted to discus "our" plans for the day. At this point of the day MY only plan was to get to the doctor on time so after a minute or two I politely excused myself from the conversation by telling him I REALLY needed to get moving and we could continue discussing the agenda for the day after I returned. As I stepped out of the front door to go to my car I was greeted by our house guests well meaning inquiries regarding my health and well being.  I tried to respond with the pat answer of "I'm fine" as I kept moving out the gate but noted that they were still talking to me as I rounded the corner of the house on my way to the parking lot.  I may have appeared a bit rude but I REALLY had to get going if I was to make the five mile drive in time for my 11:00 appointment.

 THANK GOODNESS I left when I did because it was at this point that the Gods chose to play with me. At the first intersection I stopped at the red light waiting to make a left turn. The car on the opposite side of the intersection had their left turn blinker on so I foolishly assumed they were in fact TURNING LEFT.  Green light and they came directly across the intersection with me barely missing hitting them broadside. Deep Breath Cath . . . At the next corner I made a right turn on red, (after coming to a full stop) and the guy in the car on my left took off driving straight across the 3 lane road while the light was still red.  OMG . . . two intersections and I have already encountered 2 idiots.  Three lights further on I decided to take a "short cut" and turn left again. This particular cross road has a left turn lane with a left turn arrow. I just missed the green arrow so had to wait till the cross traffic had their turn to go and then the light had to go through another cycle. When it was my turn and my red arrow should have turned green it did nothing of the sort and just remained RED until the traffic light started it's next cycle. By this time I was sure I was the victim of a cruel joke. After waiting 2 cycles of red lights that never turned green I swung back out into traffic and continued along to an alternate street in which to turn left. Once again I was in the left turn lane with about 8 cars ahead of me. The left turn arrow turned green and exactly TWO cars made it through the light before it went to red.  OK, it happens, what's one more light . . . (By now I am barely going to get to the doctor on time.) The light went through its cycle and once again the red left turn arrow should turn to green but at just that moment the gates on the railroad tracks to my left came down so the red light remained red. Now I know for sure I must have really pissed off some cosmic power to be having this sort of luck. The good thing was there was no train coming just a pick-up truck driving along the tracks checking what ever pickups on train tracks do.  Sadly it took two cycles of lights for the gates to go back up and the light to turn green. As soon as the light changed the first car in the line did NOTHING !!!  We had sat at this intersection for over five minutes and apparently the driver in the first car had either fallen asleep or died. (More likely they were on their phone.) Suddenly there was a series of horns blasting because apparently the other forty cars waiting to turn were just as pissed off as I was. I managed to make it through the light and arrive at my doctors office with about 3 minutes to spare.

It had taken me 25 minutes to travel 5 miles.  I think that has got to be some sort of a record even for Florida.

DEAR DIARY

I have mentioned often that I used to journal . . . but now in the age of instant gratification I don't write with a pen and paper, I BLOG . . .  Even though my blogs don't come close to my journals it is still a great way to get rid of some of the garbage that is in my head. I'm sorry to say YOU have become my Sanitation Department. I thank you all for giving me the opportunity to Dump when ever my garbage can of a brain is overflowing.

Journals were wonderful in that I knew I could write ANYTHING because no one would see my rantings. I confess my language in my journals is usually rated "X" and they should never be read by anyone other than a well seasoned sailor who has already "heard it all".  Although in another few years I will not have to worry about who finds my journals because no one under the age of seventy will be able to read script and all my journals are hand written in script except for the occasions when I was having a particularly awful day and wrote in large block letters using my own blood. 

I'm here this morning to vent, as usual, which I hope will reset my brain into a calmer mode. If it wasn't still dark outside and I could get my clothes without waking the whole house I would get dressed and take a L - O - N - G walk to cool and clear my brain. 

It's just one of those mornings that I woke up to pee at about 5 AM and my brain kicked into hyper mode. I have no idea what triggers that but once it happens I just have to get up and DO some of the things that my brain has decided are SO IMPORTANT they have to be addressed IMMEDIATELY.  The fact that much of my brains thoughts are focused on things that can not be done at this unGodly hour.makes no difference.  Most places of business are not yet open, (unless I need to do business with someone in China),  because everyone is still sleeping I can't run the vacuum, (well, I could but that wouldn't be very nice), it is too cool or damp to do anything outside, all my clothes and car keys are in the bedroom where D is still sleeping, (as any normal person should be), and I can't turn on the TV because I have left my hearing aids in the bedroom and can't hear anything less than the equivalent of a Def Leppard concert as seen from the front row.

But who am I kidding . . .  I wouldn't be doing any of those things even if it were 2 in the afternoon because although my brain has decided it can't sleep my body is desperate to find a comfortable place and position that does not invoke some sort of ache or pain.  It seems that the more active my brain becomes the less mobile my body is. It is torture to be a prisoner in this achey bag of bones.  I can not imagine how persons who are paralyzed or have chronic pain can live day after day. I only have aches and pains brought on by abusing my body all these years. Add to that the extra 40 or so pounds that I drag around on a daily basis so I have no one to blame but myself. Once again I say, " If I had known I would live this long I would have taken better care of myself". Yet I wouldn't change it for the world and really do want to hang around for at least another 30 years.

Now if the thought of having to put up with my blog for another 30 years isn't enough to make you want to jump off the nearest cliff I don't know what is.  Just call before you jump because I might want to join you. Especially if it is at five AM.

BUT . . . BUT . . . BUT . . . BUT . . . .. ... ... ... .. ... .. .. ..

I like to think I'm an optimist. All my life I thought I was little Miss Happy Tooth making sunshine and rainbows out of everything BUT now I'm not so sure. I find myself saying things like, "I'd take a walk today BUT" . . .  Or, "I need to start eating healthier BUT " . . .  "I really shouldn't have a second helping of ice cream BUT",  "I do love you BUT" , , ,  You get the picture.  I am trying to present the positive side of a situation where, if I were to be totally honest with myself,  I am REALLY feeling "F'ing" pissed or negative about the whole thing.

Years ago when I was living my "miserable pathetic life", ( which anyone normal would consider blessed),  I felt the need to go into therapy. This was a GOOD thing because as we have discussed in many previous blogs, my brain is a mess. (Many therapists have tried to convince me I am normal, sane, a good person, . . . BUT . . . I know better.)  After "H" and I moved to FL I was becoming particularly unraveled in my marriage. I found a therapist to help me through and she asked me to bring "H" to a session with me.  (I think I have written about this before). When the therapist asked "H" to describe me in one word he immediately said, "NEGATIVE". I was devastated and could not believe that he said that! . . . ME . . . Little Miss Happy Tooth . . . negative?    NO !!!!!!    Impossible !!!!
I am now beginning to think the man was on to something . . .  

I can find any reason to NOT do something and thanks to the word "BUT" I have a clear conscience because, after all, I am WANTING to do whatever . . . BUT . . .  life just isn't allowing it to happen. Who am I to go against the cosmic scheme of life.

I'M MOVING TO CHINA

Not to make light of the new virus that is sweeping through China but like everything else in this world there is an "Up-Side" to this awful epidemic. It is causing folks to slow down and get their priorities straight.  I'm sure the Chinese tourism bureau does not see it this way but right about now I'm ready to move there and take my chances.

Winter in Florida . . .  the time of the year when people you met on a plane 42 years ago give you a call to invite themselves to your home for a month.     OH JOY !      It's really not fair at all that folks you barely know start showing up right after the New Year to invade your space.  They have not earned the right of living here in the winter because they have not had to survive the broiling hot Florida summer.  They just fly in from the frozen northern states with the expectation of being picked up at the airport with their 12 suitcases and heavy winter coats in hand. They clog our roads, fill our restaurants and even sleep in our guest rooms for days on end with the promise of returning next year for an even longer visit.

For those of us who are fortunate enough to host the out of town guest we get to drink a LOT more, eat all sorts of things we wouldn't normally be adding to our diets and have the joy of quadrupling our laundry load so we can change sheets and towels every 3 days when the new influx of guests arrive.

But the absolute worst thing about out of town guests is that EVERYONE has to give you a BIG hug and kiss every time you see them.  Normally I am a "hugger" but what we are talking about here are visitors who are transporting lots and lots of nasty germs from the great Northeast. These folks travel down here either by car or plane and manage to pick up all sorts of nasty diseases along the way. Once they arrive here it is hug, hug and kiss, kiss until every last germ has been transferred to the Florida natives. The tourists never get sick because they don't hold on to the germs long enough to infect themselves, they just share them with everyone they are visiting and let us get sick. Then a week later the "Typhoid Mary" snow birds return to their native states where any residual germs they had are quickly frozen to death while the entire state of Florida is quarantined thanks to an outbreak of God only knows what. The folks left here in this state are now infected with "Northern" germs and we don't have the ability to fight these germs because for the past month we have been sleep deprived, over worked, exhausted and our diets have been shit. There just isn't time to think rationally about food when your house guests are expecting to be wined and dined because they are ON VACATION !

Soooooooo . . . I'm thinking if I were to head to China as a tourist I could be the one getting some rest and relaxation even though I might get sick with their virus. But even then it would afford me the opportunity to just lie in bed all day and have some one wait on me 24/7.  I'm not seeing much of a down side to this scenario.  I'd sure as hell be having more fun than I am right now.


(P.S. I need to write a disclaimer here stating that my last 2 sets of house guests have been more than WONDERFUL and I really do enjoy having them here. They are super helpful and have even cooked for us but it is still difficult for me to share my time and space with others. )

NO PAIN - NO GAIN

I have found a whole new meaning to the expression, "No Pain - No Gain".

Let's start with the fact that I do not, never did, nor ever will exercise .  My exercise as a kid was playing outside ALL day riding bikes, playing tag and roller skating in the street. (And still I was a "chubby" kid)
As a teen and twenty something life was full of adventures that involved physical activity of one sort or another. (I'll let you imagine what you will.). Once I had kids exercise came in the form of trying to stay one step ahead of the children, walking up and down soccer and base ball fields and the ever increasing need to shovel out the piles of toys and laundry that accompanies children. As a parent there was no "down" time or "Me" time for mommy, just the ever increasing need for speed.
When the kids were grown and out of the house I never had the desire to exercise because now I could do all the things I had wanted to do for the past twenty five years of raising children. Travel and cleaning.  Not necessarily in that order.
Unfortunately I should have been exercising all those years because now that I have the time I can't move for all the aches and pains that accompany growing older. (Not OLD, just older.). Probably if I HAD exercised all those years past I would not be in such rough shape now.

And so we are brought to the "No Pain - No Gain" mantra of the young.  It struck me today that when I am not in pain I manage to NOT GAIN weight and when I AM in pain I some how manage to gain weight at an alarming rate of speed.  Thus . . . No pain . . . no gain !  I don't think this is the exact interpretation of the expression but it sure is true for me.  If/when I am aching and hurting I do not turn to opioids, (not to make light of the terrible national crisis) because I do not have any serious drugs like this. I don't turn to alcohol because now a days my stomach can't handle alcohol the way it did in my younger years. So all that is left is FOOD.  Chocolate cake does nothing for physical pain but it sure as hell makes my soul feel a lot better. There is nothing like sitting in my recliner stuffing chocolate cake in my mouth to make all the problems of the world go away. (Until I have to stand up and can't move for all the stiffness in my bones and the crumbs on my chest.)

As a result of all these aches and pains I have discovered that the Bayer Asprin company has a product on the market that is as close to a "wonder drug" as I have found without being stoned out of my mind. (A state that I am not at all opposed to but my friends, family and doctors do seem to frown on.)
My father ALWAYS took Bayer Asprin for his arthritis and bursitis. For as long as I can remember there was that little clear plastic bottle of little white pills that he would turn to when ever things got too painful for him. I remember that he would only take ONE pill, (for fear of an overdose?) and it would always seem to bring him relief.  This memory jogged in my brain a couple of months ago when met shoulder was giving me a particularly rough day. I seemed to remember I had a bottle of aspirin around here somewhere, (in case of heart attacks) and when I couldn't find that little bottle I headed to my computer to search Amazon for some relief.  Sure enough good old Bayer company is still making their wonderful product AND have even expanded on an already great product. I discovered . . .  (wait for it!) . . . . . . .. . .  BAYER BACK AND BODY !!!  I have no idea what they have added to the original formula but it works !!  (My thinking upon seeing this new medicine was that if Bayer aspirin was good this had to be even better.)
I purchased a small bottle to start and have since graduated to the keg size container that is delivered by an eighteen wheeler semi truck once a month.  (And it will keep my blood thin so I don't die of a stroke!)

But as good as this product is I have a suggestion for the Bayer Company . . .  they now need to up their game and create . . . BAYER BACK AND BODY AND BRAIN . . .  If they could just add a little extra something something to help my brain pain I would buy stock in the company tomorrow.