I don't remember the last time I was feeling angry. There were all the upsetting days of the house sale and the craziness of closing and packing and moving but the feelings of anger and hate have been a thing of the past. My stomach is no longer knotting up every fifteen minutes and I haven't had the urge to strangle anyone for at least a year and a half. I am able to breathe without counting to one hundred and eat without choking. I now drink alcohol for pleasure and not out of necessity. I seem to be finding my happy.
I am especially finding my Happy on my marathon journey across the nation this summer. No concerns for a house, no concerns for anything, just me, myself and "I" ! This may sound terrible but I am having a blast being on my own and just coming and going as I please and stopping here and there visiting with the most wonderful people in the world. So far everyone has been terribly gracious and I am sure they are all very happy to see me leave but while I am with them they are charming. I am giving serious thought to selling all my furniture and buying a small mobile home and just traveling the country side for the rest of my life. I could visit anyone I want, find a camp site near by, stay till they got sick of me or vice versa and then move on. When I needed my space I could settle some where and just stay till I wanted to be around familiar faces then pack up and move on to go stay with whom ever would have me. Membership in the AAA would be cheaper than rent and gas would be cheaper than my electric bill. It is something to consider. And I sure am happy when I travel !
When I was in Boston last week with Aunt Sue and Uncle Joseph, Sue told me I had found my "pretty" again. That was the biggest compliment she could have given me. All those days when I looked in the mirror and saw that haggard old face staring back at me, wondering when I had become my mother and aged 70 years. Wondering what had happened to my life? How had I lost all the fun and happiness of life when I really wasn't ready to give in to the death of my youthfulness ? Life had beaten me down. I was dead inside and my body reflected that. My soul felt dead, my heart was weighed down with sorrow and pain and I did not have the energy or desire to do anything about that.
My body was fat and my brain was dead and everything hurt ! My knees needed replacing because they were filled with arthritis and hurt like hell. And so I lost some weight . . . and that was the beginning of the turn around and the beginning of finding my happy.
Today I look in the mirror at my best friends house in New York and I see a totally different person from that old lady who stared back at me 18 months ago. I feel younger, I look younger and I think I AM younger. All because I am finding my happy thanks to the wonderful people who have been in my life and the new people entering my life and the changes I have made in my life. Thanks be to GOD!
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
THE MAINE REASON
Greetings from the state of Maine ! Best place in the country to be in the middle of summer. I used to hear stories about the black flies in Maine being terrible in the summer months and perhaps that is so if I were in the back woods of Maine hunting moose but considering I am sitting overlooking beautiful Lake Sebago with a wonderful ice cold Vodka tonic with fresh lime, munching on some deliciousness cheese and crackers, laughing and reminiscing with old friends, I'd say this is the best state in the union to spend time in the month of August. It has become very obvious over the years that as much as I do love Florida in the summer it IS a damn freaking inferno ! Hotter than hell on fire. And this summer got started way too early and was about ten degrees hotter than a normal. Thanks to this I was more than happy to escape my adopted home and travel north to the cooler climes. It is BEAUTIFUL here. A huge part of that beauty has to do with the people I am with. Glo and John are my oldest and dearest friends in the whole wide world and I could spend the rest of my life in the company of these two angels. A quick example of the type of folks they are ; John owned a steel fitting company here in Maine and for several years the company was really hurting for work. John kept the company going by paying his workers from his own funds and working without taking a salary himself until they got some large jobs from the state to get the company back on its feet. The company has since been sold and John has retired due to health issues after almost dying from a heart attack a couple of years ago. These are GOOD people who I love ! Glo has been a friend since I was 12 and we will be friends till the day I die. We go for years and years without seeing each other and then just pick up where we left off. Gerry and John hit it off famously when Glo and I brought them into our friendship and Ger is greatly missed in the foursome. To take his place his sister Ann Marie has started traveling to Maine with me and has become part of the Maine reason for having so much fun up here. Some times I think Glo enjoys seeing Ann Marie more than she enjoys my visit but since I have known her so long I'm willing to share a little.
This trip to Maine we have been blessed to share our visit with Glo and John's grand sons, Nolan, Emmett and Orion. This has been Nolans birthday week so it's been an ongoing celebration, starting last weekend and continuing through the week. We arrived on Sunday after their weekend celebration on the island only to have a party at Glo's house on Monday when it was the actual day of the birthday! There were presents, cake AND ice cream along with a yummy bar-b-que and swimming in the pool. ( Yes, people in Maine actually do have in-the -ground pools for that one week of summer that they experience!) There were also vodka tonics and more cheese and crackers and always lots of
laughs with Rob and Erika, the parents of the birthday boy and his brother Emmett and Jenna and
Lew the parents of cousin Orion. The little guys were a riot and spent the entire evening in the pool playing while the grown ups ate and drank. It was WONDERFUL ! Nolan was turning 6 years old, brother Emmet is 4 and Orion is 5 so the boys are all well matched and get along just great. It is so much fun watching them play together with not a single argument or fight. It is such a compliment to their parents and grand parents and a reflection of what good people this family is.
Tuesday we packed up the car and headed to "THE ISLAND" as Fry Island is fondly referred to. Years ago John and Glo found this property, fell in love with it and eventually bought it and built a beautiful home overlooking the lake. This place is more than magnificent. It is warm and welcoming and built to be filled with family and friends. How Gloria does it is beyond me. There is a parade of people coming through here every weekend with Glo hosting them all. She has BIG RED the cooler that gets filled with the contents of the fridge in Portland, transported in the car to the fridge on the island and then reverse the trip a few days later when she has to return to Portland to go to work. She is the best realtor in the state of Maine and has a following of happy home owners to prove it.
Tomorrow we will return to Portland to repack our bags in preparation for out slow drift back to Long Island on Sunday after a sojourn in Boston to see Aunt Sue and Uncle Joe for 2 days.
I have no idea when I'll see Glo and John again but I do know that when ever it is we will just pick up where we left off laughing and joking. I think I am always at my happiest when I am with Gloria. She brings out the child in me and reminds me that life is too short to be angry or sad. Gloria is my HAPPY PLACE in life and I will always treasure my moments with her no matter how few or how short they are. I love that she found John who is the perfect partner for her and that between them they have produced this amazing family of children and grand children whom they are always so willing to share with me and my family. I can't think of a greater gift than to have been included in their lives all these years.
Thank you Glo for your love and friendship. You are the reason I love Maine.
This trip to Maine we have been blessed to share our visit with Glo and John's grand sons, Nolan, Emmett and Orion. This has been Nolans birthday week so it's been an ongoing celebration, starting last weekend and continuing through the week. We arrived on Sunday after their weekend celebration on the island only to have a party at Glo's house on Monday when it was the actual day of the birthday! There were presents, cake AND ice cream along with a yummy bar-b-que and swimming in the pool. ( Yes, people in Maine actually do have in-the -ground pools for that one week of summer that they experience!) There were also vodka tonics and more cheese and crackers and always lots of
laughs with Rob and Erika, the parents of the birthday boy and his brother Emmett and Jenna and
Lew the parents of cousin Orion. The little guys were a riot and spent the entire evening in the pool playing while the grown ups ate and drank. It was WONDERFUL ! Nolan was turning 6 years old, brother Emmet is 4 and Orion is 5 so the boys are all well matched and get along just great. It is so much fun watching them play together with not a single argument or fight. It is such a compliment to their parents and grand parents and a reflection of what good people this family is.
Tuesday we packed up the car and headed to "THE ISLAND" as Fry Island is fondly referred to. Years ago John and Glo found this property, fell in love with it and eventually bought it and built a beautiful home overlooking the lake. This place is more than magnificent. It is warm and welcoming and built to be filled with family and friends. How Gloria does it is beyond me. There is a parade of people coming through here every weekend with Glo hosting them all. She has BIG RED the cooler that gets filled with the contents of the fridge in Portland, transported in the car to the fridge on the island and then reverse the trip a few days later when she has to return to Portland to go to work. She is the best realtor in the state of Maine and has a following of happy home owners to prove it.
Tomorrow we will return to Portland to repack our bags in preparation for out slow drift back to Long Island on Sunday after a sojourn in Boston to see Aunt Sue and Uncle Joe for 2 days.
I have no idea when I'll see Glo and John again but I do know that when ever it is we will just pick up where we left off laughing and joking. I think I am always at my happiest when I am with Gloria. She brings out the child in me and reminds me that life is too short to be angry or sad. Gloria is my HAPPY PLACE in life and I will always treasure my moments with her no matter how few or how short they are. I love that she found John who is the perfect partner for her and that between them they have produced this amazing family of children and grand children whom they are always so willing to share with me and my family. I can't think of a greater gift than to have been included in their lives all these years.
Thank you Glo for your love and friendship. You are the reason I love Maine.
Saturday, August 6, 2016
I THINK I LOST MY FACE
I'm back in New York visiting family and friends and I have been meeting people whom I haven't seen in at least 10 or 20 years. ALL of these old friends and aquatintences have looked at me with totally blank stares when I have approached them with open arms calling out their names. Their looks have reflected the thoughts of alarm bells going off when a mental patient in a straight jacket comes running toward you screaming, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!". Not one of these folks has recognized me and even when I say my name there is the three second hesitation before the name registers and slides into the proper slot that can equate to the face that they are staring at.
It's like they can't quite believe that the old Cathie Lawlor that they knew, oh so long ago, could possibly have turned into this person who is now standing before them. And from the looks on their faces I take it this is NOT a good thing.
I realize we all age. That is to be expected. We get heavier, our hair turns grey, our face gets wrinkles, our skin sags, we get shorter, we begin to wear glasses, we get a double,triple, quadruple chin that droops to our chest and our chest droops to our waist. Our butt drops to our caves and our caves droop to our ankles. After all this shifting its a wonder we can recognize ourselves. But when I look in the mirror it's still me that I see so how come I look so different to all these folks?
Is it the color of the hair? My hair was always blonde. Now it's grey. Is grey so different from blonde? It's still in the same color family of non dark, ash shade. It's not like I went from red or black to white. So that can't be the big difference. I always used to wear sunglasses so the fact that I wear regular glasses can't be that different so that can't be what the big difference. I weigh about the same as I did when I left here all those years ago so that can't be it? How come no one recognizes me ???
I guess it just must be that in all these years that I have been gone everyone here in New York has been getting older and their eyesight has been getting worse so when I came back they just don't see as well and I look so different to them. That's just got to be the answer! I can't imagine any other explanation for it.
It's like they can't quite believe that the old Cathie Lawlor that they knew, oh so long ago, could possibly have turned into this person who is now standing before them. And from the looks on their faces I take it this is NOT a good thing.
I realize we all age. That is to be expected. We get heavier, our hair turns grey, our face gets wrinkles, our skin sags, we get shorter, we begin to wear glasses, we get a double,triple, quadruple chin that droops to our chest and our chest droops to our waist. Our butt drops to our caves and our caves droop to our ankles. After all this shifting its a wonder we can recognize ourselves. But when I look in the mirror it's still me that I see so how come I look so different to all these folks?
Is it the color of the hair? My hair was always blonde. Now it's grey. Is grey so different from blonde? It's still in the same color family of non dark, ash shade. It's not like I went from red or black to white. So that can't be the big difference. I always used to wear sunglasses so the fact that I wear regular glasses can't be that different so that can't be what the big difference. I weigh about the same as I did when I left here all those years ago so that can't be it? How come no one recognizes me ???
I guess it just must be that in all these years that I have been gone everyone here in New York has been getting older and their eyesight has been getting worse so when I came back they just don't see as well and I look so different to them. That's just got to be the answer! I can't imagine any other explanation for it.
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