HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

 Well, it happened once again.  April 28th rolled through here like an 800 ton dump truck and ran me over twice.  It's bad enough that birthdays roll around every year but when they not only hit you head on but then back up over you just to make sure you know you have been hit, THAT is the ultimate reminder that you are getting OLDER.  

 I AM NOT YET OLD . . . .   just a bit older.  Because, like Peter Pan, I don't want to grow up.

As a kid I LOVED Peter Pan !  I guess even wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy back then I knew that Peter and I were kindred spirits.  Most kids have a favorite character or person that they want to be when they grow up. Mine was Peter Pan and now I know why.  No matter how many years God allows me to remain on this earth I will never grow up.  

Now if I could just convince this old body that I am still young that would be a wonderful thing. Looking in the mirror each day I do not see an old lady.  I have no idea who that old broad is looking back at me in the bathroom mirror.  She is not even vaguely familiar.  There was a time when I would look in the mirror and see my dad smiling back at me.  I distinctly remember the day when I was in my fifties that I saw my mother looking back at me. I wondered just how that happened because no one ever said I looked like her, I am a Butler through and through. I guess it was just a glimpse of what the future had in store for me.  (My mother was only 62 when she died died so I wonder what she would have looked like at 76. It very well may be her face I see in my mirror.)

Yesterday was a good day. It was nothing like the birthdays I had as a child but a good day non the less.  When did birthdays become something to be feared rather than excited about ?  Was there a magic number that I failed to make note of when a birthday looming on the horizon was like seeing the Grim Reaper standing at your door?  Remember that wonderful feeling of anticipation when you changed the calendar and saw that your birthday was "This Month !".  From the day after your birthday you started the countdown to your next birthday . . . "Only three hundred and sixty four more days!"  (Damn that leap year when you had to wait a WHOLE extra day to celebrate your birthday. ) And remember the day after Christmas when you started making your birthday list of all the things you didn't get for Christmas?   Now, when Christmas rolls around you think. "Oh Shit ! I'm going to be, (insert what ever age you will be on your next birthday)! "  

When you're a kid the year dragged by from birthday to birthday. Now it seems like you just had a birthday last week when a new one is rearing it's ugly head.  Birthdays used to be FUN !  Gifts, cards, cake, noise makers and parties. Now the only gifts you get are ten extra trips to the bathroom and forty two new wrinkles on your face. The only cards you get are advertisements for hearing aids, glasses and a free colon screenings.  Instead of having cake for your birthday you have an extra dose of Geritol and some prune juice.  No noise makers here at this party because I AM the noise maker.  I can't get up from a chair without a full range of sound effects that include grunts, groans, popping noises from my joints and a wide variety of swear words accented by a more than occasional fart !  

BUT . . . we can still party !   I remember birthday parties where you invited all your friends, (in my case that was a total of two). You planned what sort of cake you wanted and how it would be decorated. You decorated with balloons and streamers and made goodie bags for your guests.  At 76 I am just happy to still be alive ! If you are fortunate enough to be alive AND active you may have some friends over for dinner. (The ultimate celebration is going OUT to eat but some times that just can't or won't happen.) Planning food for the birthday dinner is a chore these days. You need something simple enough so you aren't spending your entire day in the kitchen preparing you own dinner but it has to be something special that you don't have on any old day. After all, this IS your birthday !  You still get to choose your cake but the difference now is that you either have to go to the store to buy it or bake it yourself. 

Even with all of the above things to consider I had a very nice birthday this year.  Decorating was super easy . . .  My grand daughter Kaelin celebrated her 13th birthday in February so I decorated my living room for her "grand ma" party. Then I left up the decorations because K's brother Finn had his birthday in March. Because it was only another month till my birthday the decorations remained up for a full three months.  It was a win win for all.   Food became a bit more of a challenge but we managed.  Keri and family took me out for a wonderful lunch the previous weekend. (The Man does not go out to restaurants any more. too much of a hassle for him with the oxygen.) The day before my birthday my BFF Jeanne and her husband came over for pizza.  We were going to have lobster but the price of Maine lobsters is insane so The Man's gift to me was paying for a most delicious pizza. (Last week The Man asked what would I like for my birthday. I suggested a lobster dinner. Since going out to dinner is not an option we started researching buying lobster and eating it at home.  We chose to do this on Tuesday because the garbage and shells could go out for pick up on Wednesday. We invited our friends Jeanne and Frank to join us not realizing it would be insane to pay $50 for ONE  small lobster. ) 

It was at this point that I realized this birthday was going to go down in history as a "fail". But I was damned if I wasn't going to do something to celebrate.  The only thing I could think of that would not involve me spending a day cooking was to order a pizza.  I love pizza !  I have been thinking about pizza for a couple of weeks but we have had lousy luck with ordering a decent pie down here.  The last pizza we got was a "thin crust" because that is what The Man likes. It was like eating cheese and sauce spread over a sheet of paper.  It was disgusting !!!!   Added to this The Man doesn't like a lot of cheese or a lot of toppings.  About as wild as he gets is to order pepperoni instead of sausage. (He actually like "hamburger meat" on his pizza but I put my foot down on that bland addition.)  My birthday was the perfect occasion to get a pizza that I love . . .  a pizza with EVERYTHING on it . . .  including . . .  ANCHOVIES !!!!!!!!   Yup, I am one of those rare creatures who happens to love anchovies on my pizza.  So that is exactly what we had for a party meal with Jeanne and Frank.  Those two friends shared my pizza with me, anchovies and all while The Man ate a small sausage and mushroom pie.  

But it even gets better . . .  Jeanne told me she would bring the birthday cake.  She was set on an ice cream cake from Baskin Robins but since there are no longer any Basking Robins ice cream stores around she went to Publix and bought a Carvel ice cream cake.  And then left it at home . . .   We realized this fact when she and I went to pick up our pizzas, (yes, we had to go get the pizza ourselves),  so we bought some cheese cake and cannoli from the pizza place. Once we got home Jeanne and I sat down to eat pizza and drink the entire LARGE bottle of Sangria that she had brought.  It was delicious !  

Yesterday on my actual birth day The Man and I packed up the house for our trip north for the summer.  We had leftovers for dinner and I spent the day pretty much forgetting that it was my birthday. If it wasn't for the phone calls, texts, e mails and facebook greetings I wouldn't have thought yesterday was any different from any other day. 

THE PINEAPPLE DID IT !

 When my eyes opened at 6:30 this morning I knew I was in for trouble.  I had a wonderful night's sleep, which is rare these days because my brain is working over time preparing for the pending return to Michigan. I don't want to go but have no choice.  I keep telling myself I am with The Man because this is God's will but I do not have to like it. 

The thoughts of spending five months away from my home, family and Florida friends is weighing heavily on me.  During the day my thoughts are consumed with packing and planning and preparation for leaving. During the night random thoughts of what needs to be done before I leave here  keep popping into my already over loaded brain.  It is typical behavior for me and I know that as soon as I settle in up in MI I will be content with the beautiful weather and surroundings.  I WILL be OK.

This morning I woke up in the dark, checked the clock to see that it was only 6:30, staggered out of bed to make a potty stop and because I wasn't totally awake I returned to bed. I pulled up the covers and was ready to keep my brain shut down so I could get a couple of hours more sleep when a thought wormed it's way into my brain.  

MY PINEAPPLES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!          

Two years ago I decided I wanted to grow another pineapple. When I had my house down here I had grown three pineapple plants in my garden and was rewarded with three of the sweetest, juiciest, most delicious pineapples that I have ever eaten.  When I sold the house I gave the plants to my friend Theresa and she continued to reap the benefits of Florida's warm weather and sunny skies.  

Side note . . . A pineapple plant will only produce ONE pineapple !  After that one pineapple is grown the plant then starts growing new shoots which are then planted and they in turn each produce ONE pineapple. It takes about 2 years for a pineapple plant to produce a fruit. No wonder pineapples are so expensive.

Any way . . .  I now have TWO full blown pineapple plants in my little garden and BOTH of them have pineapples growing in the center of them.  We, Kaelin and Finn and I, discovered the beginnings of the fruit last fall when I returned from MI and were so excited!  We have watched them grow all winter and each time I looked at them I KNEW EXACTLY what was going to happen.  

I leave here in one week  . . .  not only will I be leaving my home and family I will be leaving my two ALMOST ripe pineapples that I grew from nothing.  I will be gone, they will remain.  I can't pick them early, they need to finish ripening on the plant.  I will have to leave them here for my grand kids to pick and enjoy.

THAT is what kept me awake at six o'clock this morning.  I was upset about not getting to share the pineapples with my grand kids after we had nurtured them all winter.  I should be happy that the kids will get to enjoy the fruit but I am really wanting to share it with them while I am here. 

What a nut case I have become !  The fact that I am in tears over a PINEAPPLE is just insane but then again if it wasn't the pineapple it would have been something else keeping me awake this week before we leave.  

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT'S MINE !!!!

 I feel like a three year old yelling, "M I N E !!!!!!!!  " but that is exactly how I feel.  I have suffered the ultimate betrayal by The Man .     

HE ATE MY CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNY !!!!!!!!!

If I had a gun I would have shot him dead !  

Let me set the stage for todays tragedy.   For Easter I made Easter Baskets for all my grand children AND for The Man.  He HAD HIS OWN CHOCOLATE.  In fact his Easter Basket contained TWO chocolate bunnies. . .   Godiva Chocolate bunnies . . .  One was white chocolate, the other was milk chocolate. In addition to these two good sized chocolate bunnies he had small chocolate eggs, THREE Cadbury eggs and some chocolate that I had brought down from Michigan and saved for The Man's Easter Basket. Add to ALL this chocolate Kaelin and Finn gave The Man a milk chocolate bunny. If you care to tally up the amount of chocolate that The Man has consumed in two weeks time it comes to a SHIT LOAD !

For Easter I gave myself a small dark chocolate bunny that I bought at Publix just so I would be able to appease the chocolate craving that was bound to raise it ugly head once The Man got chowing down on all his candy.  I knew full well I would NOT be getting any goodies so I took care of myself.   God Bless Kaelin and Finn because they also gave me a small milk chocolate bunny that I was saving for just the right day.  (I can save chocolate for months just so I don't feel like a pig.) 

Yesterday I opened my two chocolate bunnies, (TWO weeks after Easter and about ten days after The Man had finished the last of his chocolate stash.)  I bit the ears off both bunnies and then placed them in a small zip loc bag so I could nibble on them during the week.   

Can you imagine my horror as I was working in the kitchen tonight and saw the man open MY bag of chocolate, reach inside and in one swift "CHOMP" he ate the ENTIRE REMAINDER of the milk chocolate bunny that Kaelin and Finn had given me.   I couldn't believe what I was seeing and  I was also super pissed at myself fo having left the bag on the counter top.  I immediately said, "Hey, That's MY chocolate!!!!! " And The Man continued to chew while he looked at me as if I was the most horrid person in the world for "hoarding" chocolate.  REALLY,  like he couldn't believe I would be upset !!!  I told him I had put it in the bag because it was mine and I was saving it.   No comment, just a shrug.

Now I know I am being totally irrational but I swear I could burst into tears because MY BUNNY IS GONE !  I don't know if I would feel this bad if I lost one of my children.  

And to prove just how insane I am, I'm thinking The Man did this on purpose because I went to the beach this morning and am going to Kent's tomorrow, leaving The Man ALONE !!  If he knew how upset I am about some freaking chocolate he better watch his ass or he will find himself alone a lot more often !

A THREE VALIUM AFTERNOON

I don't write for weeks and then we get a day like today where I could spend the entire time writing. It is therapy and if my hands are busy typing they can't strangle THE MAN !

I discovered this afternoon that The Man is part bloodhound and part retriever and part greyhound.  I had always thought that it was only dogs that liked to chase cars but today I found out that this is not true. Much to my dismay and much to my disbelief I have just spent the last hour in The Man's car while he chased several Fed Ex trucks.    

It all started this afternoon when I happily returned from PT and a lovely quick trip to my favorite store, Bealls Outlet. (Pronounced "BELLS") I had bought The Man a shirt last week but it was the wrong size so today after PT I stopped back at Bealls to return the shirt. I was in my "Happy Place" by the time I got home so when I found The Man on the phone I just went on with my business of getting into my comfy clothes and getting something to eat for a late lunch out on the lanai.  I wasn't out there very long before you know who came out to tell me all about his phone conversation with his bank, the forms he had to fill out and return to a Fed Ex drop box IMMEDIATELY !  This conversation would make you think there was a crisis with The Man's bank accounts but let me assure you that is not the case. For the past THREE months The Man has been talking about moving some money around that had been set aside for his grand daughter's college tuition.  Since Grand daughter decided back in November that she was not going to college this year the money has been sitting quietly.  For what ever reason this past Friday was the day that The Man HAD to call the bank, arrange for forms to be sent by Fed Ex so he could fill them out today and return them immediately.  NONE of this has anything to do with April 15th tax day or any other time limitation. It is just The Man who made it all a CODE RED for today.  He had some poor slob from the bank on the phone when I came home helping him fill out the forms properly so there wouldn't be any mess up because we are leaving Florida in 3 weeks and HEAVEN forbid things got lost in the mail. (Had all this been done months ago there would be no chance that mail wouldn't reach us before we left town but that is too easy.)

Once the forms were filled out we then HAD to go immediately and find a Fed Ex drop box to mail the papers. I know where one of these boxes are but The Man wanted one closer, (closer than one mile). I checked on my phone and sure enough there was a drop box 3/4 of a mile away so off we went.

This is where it starts to get just down right silly !!!!!!!

We followed the directions on my phone only to find ourselves in a commercial park with no drop box in sight.  As we were turning into the complex The Man saw a Fed Ex truck leaving the parking lot so naturally he decided to chase the truck with all intentions of flagging it down and giving his package to the driver.  MY reaction to this insane turn of events was to ask if The Man had lost his freaking mind. NO, I did not say that exactly, what I did say was, "Really???????  You're going to chase the truck? It could be going anywhere!" . But follow the truck we did. Only problem was that by the time we got turned around the truck was no where to be seen so we spent the next fifteen minutes driving in and out of parking lots looking for the truck. I finally convinced The Man to go back to the original parking lot to see if we could find the elusive drop box. We did exactly that but never found the damn box.  

It was at this point that I suggested we drive the extra quarter mile to the drop box that I knew about so once again we headed out down the road. As we reached the corner what should be standing three cars ahead of us waiting for the light to change ????? . . .  Did you guess a FED EX TRUCK ???  YUP !! And did you guess exactly what The Man decided to do ???????? . . .   CHASE THE TRUCK ????  YUP !!!! 

By this point I was beyond any form of rational thinking.  I could NOT believe this man was chasing trucks like a junk yard dog.  At the next light the truck turned and so did the light so there we sat watching the Fed Ex truck drive off into the sunset.  My brain was screaming, "YOU  %#*&!%&^% IDIOT" but my mouth said, "Dwayne, we have to pick up our dinner at the restaurant. It was ready twenty minutes ago. Let's just go put this envelope in the drop box that I told you about.  (AN HOUR AGO !!!!!)

That is what we did. Took all of two minutes, picked up dinner, drove home and I was too worked up to even look at food.  

The wine is delicious !

YESTERDAY'S HIMICANE

 It was awesome !  After five months of sunny, warm, gorgeous weather we finally got some rain. 

I know I shouldn't be complaining about the absolutely beautiful winter we have had down here but really, it does get a bit boring after a while.  Nothing but sunny skies, warm breezes, green grass and trees . . .  we really need to mix it up every so often. And yesterday provided us with exactly that. 

At about three in the afternoon my phone started yelling at me and the TV started blaring warnings about SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS IN THE AREA. This is never cause for alarm for us because where we live we will not get flooded, we will not have trees falling on our heads and to be perfectly honest I don't trust the National Weather Service because they are all a bunch of alarmists.  So rather then get all pumped up over some wind and rain headed our way we opened all the blinds so we could watch the storm approach.  

IT WAS AWESOME !!!!   

First the sky started getting darker and darker. Then the wind started to whip up and the temperature started to drop. Next the rain began to fall in torrents and I am told there was quarter size hail but we never heard or saw any of that.  It lasted about a half hour and it was better than TV. 

The Man had never witnessed a Himicane so he was entertained as much as I was.  I explained to him that this was a mini version of a Florida Hurricane to which he replied, "If a hurricane is worse than this I'm glad I am not living here during hurricane season".  The Himicane was quite enough for him.

I realize many of you have never even heard of Himicanes because they are not a widely known weather event. Basically they are not strong enough or wild enough or powerful enough to be called Hurricanes. Because like all things female only the very toughest and strongest get the attention.  Himicanes are basically whussy little storms that make noise and blow around a lot of hot air but just don't amount to anything. 

(Are you beginning to get what I'm saying?) 

A Himicane can NEVER come close to a full blown hurricane at her worst. Hurricanes lie in wait and build up massive amounts of fury so that when they finally explode you had better have battened down the hatches and headed for the hills.  Sometimes a hurricane will be building but something happens to defuse it and when that happens everyone involved is delighted to have avoided the storm.  Other times hurricanes will be headed in one direction with all their attention focussed on a particular target but something happens to blow her off course and out to sea so there is no damage at all.  The worst is when a hurricane will suddenly get blown off course so that she makes an unexpected landfall in a totally unexpected place.   No one is ever prepared for that scenario and lives can be lost.  

Try as they may the National Weather Service tries their best to predict Hurricanes.  They do a piss poor job of it but at least they try.

Himicanes aren't even worth thinking about.  

HANDICAPPED SHOPPING

Just to be perfectly clear so you will not think me to be "Politically Incorrect", "Racist" or "White Supremacist"  I use the term "Handicapped" as a golfer would use it.  A player in a game is given a handicap in order to be put on an equal playing field with other golfers.  I have no idea how this "handicap" is determined and I really don't care since I am not a golfer.  

The point being, I have an idea for a new reality show . . .  HANDICAPPED SHOPPING !  

In this game you send a woman into a grocery store with a list of, say, 15 items.  She is set loose to wander the store and find as many of these products as possible.  When she is done she returns to the check out with her cart and the clock stops running.  The first thing that is done upon her return is to take her blood pressure. I guarantee it will be as low as a monk in a Zen garden. Next, the items in her cart are counted to see how many of the items she actually found, (all), and how many additional items she has managed to pick up along the way, (three hundred and seventy two). This second number is the key to how many points she is awarded. She will get points for finding the things on the list and then is given additional points for every extra item that was not on her list. 

That is Phase One of the game.

Phase Two is done several weeks later.  Our female shopper returns to the same store and is given a different shopping list containing a certain number of items.  The difference this time is that she is now accompanied by her husband.  Husband is not given a list, he is just along for the ride because HE IS THE HANDICAP !      Husband and wife are set loose in the store to shop and once they return to the checkout the clock stops.  Points are taken away for every minute under the woman's previous time. Points are also taken away for every item missing from her cart. Points are added for any additional items that were not on the list but this rarely happens.  Also, as in shopping spree number One, the wife's blood pressure is taken and an ambulance is called because her BP will probably be forty points over normal, her eyes will be bulging and her hands will have to be pried from the list because she is clutching it so tightly in order to keep from slapping the shit out of her husband.  

WOMEN DO NOT LIKE TO SHOP WITH THEIR HUSBANDS.  Sorry boys but it's a fact !  I know this from personal experience. MOST women go shopping to relax.  It is called RETAIL THERAPY. We enter a store and zone out into a mellow world of color lining the aisles. Our eyes glaze over and all thoughts and worries cease to exist.  We may have a shopping list but we NEVER come out of a store with only the items on that list.  We graze through the merchandise and pick and choose what we want and what we find appealing to us at that particular moment. (The old saying of, "Never sop when you are hungry" is so true.  When I go to any store hungry I WILL purchase food that catches my eye.  Because most stores, not just grocery stores ALWAYS have the cookie and candy displays at the checkout I never go home hungry.) 

Shopping is in our DNA . . . remember the cave women were the "gatherers" while the men were the "hunters".  There are rare women who do not like to shop and my sympathy goes out to them.  The joy of mindless wandering up and down aisles of "stuff" is like spending an hour meditating.  It is my happy place and I REALLY resent when my "Happy Place" is invaded by anyone, especially a person of the opposite sex.

 Men just do NOT have the ability to chill so a trip to a store is like a mission to Mars. All systems must be "GO" and the detailed list of second by second actions must be followed in order for the mission to succeed.  They are focused only on the details on the list and the completion of the mission in record time where as a woman goes on her mission to see the sights and enjoy the ride. 

All this came to my attention yesterday when I was sitting in the front of Publix waiting to get my second Covid vaccine. As I sat there no less than 5 couples came into the store, none of them looking happy.  They were all older so I would assume they had all been together for many many many many years. The wives had the list, the husbands were all pushing the carts. following along like little puppies that would soon turn into vicious, angry Tasmanian Devils  as soon as the wife put something into the cart that is not on the list.  The words, "Do we REALLY need that?",  "I thought you had two of those at home", "Don't buy THAT, this one is cheaper", and of course, "But it's not on the list!" all echo up and down the aisles of the grocery store.  I have even seen men go so far as to remove something from the cart when the woman isn't looking.  Let me tell you THAT one action is extremely dangerous and only the most daring and brave men dare to attempt it.  It can result in permanent bodily harm or even death especially if the man has been a supreme pain in the ass up to that point.  

One of the couples that I observed yesterday were particularly entertaining. They entered the store together, her with the list, him with the cart. They got no further than the entry way when she stopped to check out the Easter Lilies that were on sale. He continued on a few dozen feet when he realized she was no longer with him.  He abruptly stopped as warning signals started flashing in his brain that the wife was already going "off the list".  As he approached her she deftly swung THREE huge Easter Lily plants into the cart.  This obviously was too much for the husband to handle so early in the day so he very bravely and stupidly said, "THREE !  What do we need THREE for?".  I'm totally impressed that he didn't realize the error of his ways and either duck or run off down the nearest aisle. He just stood there and low and behold she put ONE plant back.   I guess this compromise was a common thing and they both knew how to play the game.  As soon as the one lily was removed from the cart the man took off at warp speed down the dairy aisle leaving the wife with no options but to go get another cart for herself or to hurry on down aisle #4 to catch up with the man.

I really wanted to wait around until they checked out but I had my own list to shop for except I had left my list in the car so I had to shop from memory.   I ended up with eleven items in my cart, only two of which were on my list.    I have to go back to Publix today to pick up the remainder of my list.  

And then some . . . .

ARE YOU N U T S. ???? !!!!!!

 WING  NUTS . . . .  That is what got me blogging today.  Lord help me but there are times, (many many times), that I just have to wonder just WHAT the Hell I am doing here.  

OK . . . starting from the beginning,  a couple of days ago I am having trouble sleeping. Waking up at 3AM with my brain racing from one thing to another and all hope of sleep shattered.  I get up for a couple of hours, putter around the house doing quiet things and then finally falling back into bed for another couple of hours sleep.  Not a good idea for someone like me who requires at least twenty hours sleep a night or I turn into the Beast from Hell.  

Once I morph into my Beast persona you REALLY do NOT want to be in the same house as me so The Man has been challenged to refrain from digging out his pistol and putting me and him out of my misery.  In my Beast stage I have zero sense of humor and zero patience with anyone and everyone.  It has been a rough week for all inhabitants of this house.  Being in this state of mind I purposely do not blog. NO one needs to be subjected to that language.

THANKFULLY . . . I have a stash of drugs for just such sleep challenged occasions.  (I"m not talking anything illegal, just an Ambien for those times when I am desperate.). The Tylenol PM just wasn't doing anything for me so last night I resorted to the "good stuff" and fell asleep at 11:00 PM and didn't wake up once until 8:30 this morning.  I feel GREAT !!  Amazing what a good night's sleep can do.

I mention all this because if I had not gotten such a good night's sleep last night there is a VERY good possibility that The Man would be dead. 

We had a good morning, got a bunch of doctor appointments cancelled, took care of some other on line business without throwing the computer out the window and even made some plans to see Kyle and Bridget in May on our way back to Michigan. The Man was working with me, probably because after the past three days he was still walking on egg shells for fear of setting me off. Knowing I will see my girl Abby will make the return to MI and leaving the FL grand kids just a little easier.  

After all our "business" was taken care of The Man and I headed out to his car to return something to Amazon over at our local Kohls.  We have not had an adventure, (if this can be considered adventure), in quite some time so once The Man got into the car his brain started working.  As we are pulling out of our parking lot The Man decided we need to go to the tire store to get air in the car tires. Normally if I need air in my tires I go to the gas station and do it myself but even this small task is too much for The Man. He actually did consider this option because I could put the air in the tires for him until he realized you have to pay for air.  That was good for a ten minute rant about paying for air. I totally agree it is stupid. And so off we drove to the tire store where he bought his tires.  Naturally I had to get out of the car to ask the guy to stop what he was doing to fill our tires with air.  I HATE having to do things like this but the guy was real nice and I gave him a tip.

As we pull out of the tire store The Man now decides we NEED to go to an auto supply store because he needs TWO wing nuts for the battery on the RV.  The RV is in Michigan.  We will not be doing anything with the RV for at least a month or two. But we NEED wing nuts TODAY !!!!  

OK, I get it. There are plenty of times when I get something in my head and I want to do it NOW. So I figured, "What the Hey", I will go into the automotive store and get The Man some wing nuts.  Just to clarify, I HATE any store that is geared to men.  Car mechanics, automotive stores, hardware stores . . . they are all the same because they ALWAYS talk down to women because we do not know what the hell we are doing and they know it.  But for The Man I can suck it up and do this.  As I am getting out of the car at the FIRST auto parts store The Man says, "I only need TWO wing nuts so don't get a package of any more than that!"  Now you and I know full well there is NOT going to be a package of two freaking wing nuts but that's what The Man wants so off I go.  

The Gods were kind to me today . . . as I walked into the store there was a woman behind the counter and she asked me what I was looking for.  She told me they probably didn't have JUST wing nuts but we walked to the back of the store to check. Sure enough, no wing nuts. I could buy a whole kit for changing the battery connections but not just the wing nuts.  She suggested I try a hardware store which was EXACTLY what I was thinking when The Man brought this whole Wing Nut issue up in the first place. I returned to the car and passed the message on to The Man who had decided that we HAD to go to an automotive store, not a hardware store.  AND we HAD to get the wing nuts TODAY !

At automotive store #2 I was told the exact thing after taking a walk all the way to the back of the store with the nice man behind the counter.  "Go to a hardware store".  Once again I returned to the car with the message and once again The Man decided only an automotive store would have what he needed.  It was now an hour after leaving the house and I still had not gotten to Kohles so I doubled down on my stubborn streak and reminded The Man that we did not need these wing nuts until we got to Michigan in a month so it REALLY COULD WAIT !  I think it was at this point that he remembered just who he was dealing with here and if not careful his life could be in danger.  

We went to Kohles . . .  

AND . . .  To reward me for not killing The Man today or any day this past week the Gods gave me a gift. On my way to the back of Kohles I passed a lovely cream colored blazer hanging on a sale rack. It caught my eye so I decided I would check it out on my way back out to the car.  Retuning Amazon items at Kohles is awesome because not only is it super easy but you get a 25% off coupon for anything in the store for the next couple of days.  BINGO !!  I stopped at the blazer that had a $60 price tag on it.  The sale sticker said it was reduced to $18 !!!!!  I tried it on, it looked fabulous and with my 25% off coupon I am now the very happy owner of a beautiful cream blazer that I purchased for $14 !!!!!!!

Just think, if I had killed The Man I would have been in jail and missed out on this great sale.