WHERE AM I? WHERE WAS I? WHERE AM I GOING?

I seem to have lost myself some where over the past two and a half years. Not just my sense of self but a literal LOST.  I find myself standing some where wondering, "WHY AM I HERE?", "WHERE WAS I GOING?", "WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING?".  Not to say this is something new. HA!  Fat chance! This is a common occurrence and has been for quite some time. (Like forever!) But lately it is really becoming a full time happening. Like just a few minutes ago I found myself in my walk-in-closet just standing there staring into space all all the pretty colors. Then I started to wonder ;
      A. Where am I?
      B. What am I doing here?
      C. Why am I here?
 I then began to realize my entire body was freezing and that answered questions B & C, which then brought the realization of A.  (I was naked and freezing and needed to get dressed so I must be in the closet!)

At what point of my life did something so natural and routine become a mathematical equation on the scale of quantum physics?   I seem to remember the days when I would crawl out of bed, wash and dress, have breakfast and be out the door in 45 minutes to put in a full day of teaching. Well folks, That Ship has sailed !  Everything I do no involves 45 minutes of thought, preparation, planning, scheduling and work! And I still find myself lost and confused. And forget the F-O-C-U-S !  Again I say, "HA!" Focus is non existent in my life these days. I cannot watch TV because I seriously can not follow a plot, and I was watching The Wiggles at the time. Forget something as complicated as Sesame Street! I haven't even turned on the TV in weeks. But never fear . . . FOX NEWS continues to play on the bedroom TV. The constant yelling and talking is soothing to Ger. (It's OK that it is like nails on a chalk board to me because most of the time I don't know where I am anyway.)

So if you see me wandering down the street with a dazed and confused look on my face just take my arm and guide me to some familiar spot where, if I remain long enough, I will probably find myself and continue on my way. But  for now I have a million things to do if only I could remember what they were and why I had to do them.

HAS ANYONE SEEN ME ?

I think I have lost myself . . .    all of a sudden the bottom of my world has fallen out and I am spiraling through each day not anchored to anything.  People coming and going, phones ringing, and a strange body lying on the bed next to mine.  Where the Hell am I and who took my "normal" away?

I guess I bitched and moaned enough that God figured he would shake things up and let me know what life could really be like. I keep thinking about all those poor people out there who are suffering day in and day out for years!  Starving children, sickness, pain and suffering of all sorts and I am complaining because H is dying.  He is comfortable, he is not in any pain and he is sleeping!  How much better could it be than to have your spouse not suffering and at ease.  We do still have our moments though.  As Jeanne said, "Husband won't go easy!  He will hang on to make you work as long as possible". And she is so right !  Here we have H with lung cancer, spread into his liver and abdomen and he still has me waiting on him hand and foot. I have had more physical contact with this man that I have in 45 years of marriage. And because he is just laying in bed all the time I have to move him and wash him and care for him. AND HE HATES EVERY MINUTE OF IT !  For a man who never liked to be touched he is suffering me constantly touching him. When I sit with him and try to hold his hand he barely has the strength to pull away.  So naturally I hold his hand every chance I get !  I may spend a few more centuries in Purgatory for this but it's worth every touch.
Today we had the Hospice nurses aide in to "bathe" Ger and he suffered through that. How horrible this must be for him. I wonder if this is his Purgatory? Is he going to stick around till he pays for all his sins? Since he was a good man all through his life there are probably only the things that he did to make me nuts that he has to pay for. I figure he will be around for quite some time if that's the case.  Or maybe this is my Purgatory . . .  since all I did was piss and moan about the man for the past 45 years God figured He'd really make me work and see just how easy I had it.
What ever the case it is a very strange situation. I have a 160 pound infant to take care of. And H has to let go of all his inhibitions and let me do what needs to be done. The two of us have been given one final chance to get this marriage right.
I have seen my mother die, my father and my aunt also. But never have I been front and center like this. 24/7 watching, listening and caring for H is my worst nightmare but I wouldn't change this for the world. I am here with H, talking to him about everything and nothing and HE HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO LISTEN !  Seriously though, I am loving this time that God has given us. It is giving me an opportunity to say all the things G never wanted to hear, all the mushy stuff women say, all the dopey things that make no sense but I need to share with him anyway.
And through it all I keep thinking, "DEAR GOD, when it's  my time please let me be hit by a bus! I don't want my children to have to do this for me!"

I DONT THINK YOU LOVE ME !

Today's quote of the day is from Husband, first thing this morning as I was trying to get him to stand and walk a couple of steps so I could get him back into the bed. He is particularly weak this morning after a semi strong day yesterday. (It's all relative here folks, yesterday he was able to stand on his own and transfer from bed to wheelchair with a minimum of help. He was feeling so good he wanted to take a ride in the car to get a bagel for breakfast. He walked around the dining room with the physical therapist, TWICE ! ) Thursday's hydration came with a bonus package of steroids that kicked in yesterday, thus the increase in energy. But it's a false sense of hope because by last night H couldn't get out of his chair. I got him into bed and settled last night and he slept well only to wake me at 8:30 this morning because he was ready to get up.            NOT !       I think he was either still half asleep or maybe it was just CHEMO BRAIN but H could not stand, no less transfer to the wheelchair. I managed to get him into his chair but then he decided he wanted to go back to bed. I got him washed off and changed but he still wanted to go back to bed.  So the battle to stand, walk forward a couple of steps, turn and sit on the bed was back on. After three or four attempts to stand he managed to get off the chair by a few inches so I started to push and pull to get him close enough to sit on the bed without falling off. That's when he told me, "I don't think you love me any more!". I almost dropped him right then and there !  Once I got him sitting on the bed I asked him if he thought I would be doing all this if I didn't love him.  

The poor guy just doesn't get it. Over the past two and a half years H has been telling me, "I love you more than you love me." He truly believes that. H has always thought that love means spending 24/7 with a person. When I wanted to do things on my own he thought it was because I didn't love him. If I wanted to spend time with my friends he thought it was because I didn't love him and now that I am pulling and pushing him he thinks it's because I don't love him. And that breaks my heart!  I know a lot of this is his chemo brain but I also know it has roots in his true beliefs. God has given us this time to try to help both of us understand each other but it sure isn't easy.

This morning I laughed at the thought that I would be wiping my husbands butt if I didn't love him. I might be doing the job but I would probably be using sand paper ! He should only know how lucky he is that I DO INDEED love him!

PARKING LOT SMACK DOWN. WWF STYLE !

Im walking a very thin line these days and it probably won't take much to push me right over the ledge and go postal. My Nurbs (as one of Ger's students called them oh so many years ago) are SHOT ! The slightest push and I will erupt like Veseuvius on an hot summer day. Why people can't see this is beyond me. I feel like my body is wound tighter than a clock spring and it is costing me every ounce of energy to hold myself together.

As a result of this heightened state of Nurbs I am moving slower, breathing deeper and trying very had to put myself in the "Other guys shoes". I understand not everyone is "Having difficulties" but stupidity and ignorance are still tough to tolerate.

Brought Husband to the cancer center today for some 2 hours of hydration. Husband is a MESS today. Brain function low, body function even lower.  We were up a 5 again this morning deciding where we were going and why we HAD to get up. H was completely soaked which meant changing him completely and changing the bed pads. That must have exhausted him because he wanted to go back to bed once he was dry. Got up at 9 and had to be out of the houses by 10:30.  Not easy to do but We were pretty close to on time. Once we got to the cancer institute I realized the place was packed and all our usual handicapped spots were taken. There was a pick up truck in front of us pulled to a stop to let a woman JUMP, (literally) out and run into the building. I waited calmly for them to start moving and then watched in complete anger as they pulled into the last open handicapped parking spot. And there they SAT !  Two people in the truck, neither one moving to get out and the other passenger already in the building. I now have to park at the other end of the lot, haul out the wheel chair and maneuver H into the chair and across the lot. I was livid. I swore and cursed and envisioned running over to the pick up, pulling open the car door and dragging the driver out and onto the ground where I would smash their stupid heads against the cement. HOW DARE THEY PARK IN MY HANDICAPPED SPOT !

I did none of the above but I really really wanted to.  It is only going to be a matter of time before I loose it on some poor unsuspecting slob.  I apologize now for my imminent behavior. I can feel it building. There is nothing I can do to avoid this other than taking a bottle of happy pills and locking myself into a closet for the duration of this Cancer battle.

TODAYS FRACTURED PHRASE

"How did   'IT'   go ?"  By "IT" do you mean how did chemo go?  Or did you mean how did getting Ger to and from chemo go?  Or perhaps you meant how was the 6 hours of sitting in the chemo room go, including the three trips to the bathroom with G in a wheel chair only to have to wash him down anyway and borrow pants from radiology?  Or maybe you mean . . .

Let's just say IT is NOT going well !  IT pretty much is horrible. IT is HELL !

Not to say I want you to stop asking but do not expect that generic answer of, "Good".  I don't have the energy to lie or the social grace to be polite. Right about now I am hanging by my toe nails just trying to not scream.

Husbands brain is so muddled these days. It's been going on for a while but some days are much much worse than others.  The whole bathroom thing is putting me over the edge. How can you not know . . .   I just don't know. It's part of life these days and this too will pass.

So, to answer your question, "How did IT go?"     Don't know, don't care, just trying to stay alive here. Don't ask and I won't tell .  But if you find me slowly turning purple in the face and grabbing the nearest chair leg with which to bludgeon you to death just turn and run, please.

"SOME DIFFICULTIES" . . ..

I got an email today from a friend who was sorry to hear we were having "some difficulties" in our cancer battle.  SOME DIFFICULTIES !  SOME  DIFFICULTIES ?  SOME DIFFICULTIES !!!!!!!!

No, I am freaking loosing my mind here as I watch my husband slowly dying before my eyes !  Oh, does that sound melodramatic? So sorry but I do think it is a bit more than having, "some difficulties".

I can't fault this person because I know they have battled the BIG "C" for a long long time now and come as close to death as you would care to so I get that they can see this cancer shit for what it is; An Annoyance, a difficulty, a bump in the road. But this is MY cancer experience and no one should be able to think of anything else but the fact that Ger has lung cancer and it is consuming our lives. No one has the right to think about anything else from morning to night and then all night every night every time you wake up. It has to be first and foremost in your lives just like it is in mine. You have to be in physical pain trying to lift and move this man from bed to wheel chair. You have to know what it is like to be in my shoes.  And guess what? . . .   IT ISN'T ABOUT ME !

 Ger is riding this out with his normal stoic style. No discussion, no complaint, no questions. Just as long as I get him food and water, in and out of bed he seems to be fine with all this. He really doesn't seem to care that he is having "some difficulties". Which personally pisses me off big time. I mean, really? What the hell is that all about ?  Sure, let the wife have the entire worry on her shoulders. So now I have mental pain along with the physical pain. Boy this is really messed up and I keep making it about me !

Just saying !

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK !

Hello?   Is that you Death, knocking on my door ?  You know this isn't a good time for us. We just had these twins join our family and we really would like them to get to know their grand pa. And then there's the other grand kids who really haven't had time to spend with the old boy, we would like some more time.  How about you come back in, oh say, ten years, maybe like a Tuesday, around 3 AM. ? Hum? Could we work that out ?

It just don't work that way, does it? We just never know when it's our turn. As we're going along worrying about paying the bills, getting the car washed, cooking dinner were not thinking that maybe, just maybe this could be the last time we do this. Death just doesn't exist for us until a close friend or relative dies. Then it's first and foremost in our lives until we have to move on to paying our taxes, painting the house, fixing that leak in the toilet. But one of the days it will become your life, your reality, your every waking thought. One day it's you who is "A guy someone knows who has lung cancer . . . " and people are sad, and they talk about it and they wonder what it's like to know you are dying but they will never know until it's their turn. Some of us may be spared this experience when that bus hits us as we step off the curb or we develop dementia and no longer think about things like death.  Some of us won't have time to ponder and wonder but the rest of us will take a long road  wandering through all sorts of thoughts and emotions. But no matter what the process is you can be sure you WILL get to experience this particular journey. There's no way out of this one folks so you might as well make the best of it. I figure we have 3 choices, run, fight, accept. Pick what ever works for you but the end result is going to be the same no matter how you handle it.
And then we have Ger! I have no idea what is going on inside his head.  Maybe chemo brain has fried enough brain cells that he is just living day to day not really thinking anything. That would be my guess. There is no discussion, no questions, no upset, just eating and sleeping, living the life he has left.  He probably figures his idiot wife will do enough examining, questioning, analyzing to take care of both of us. I do suppose this is a lot easier than if I were married to a lunatic who ran around the house screaming, "I don't want to die!" But it would be nice to have some discussion on the topic.
What ever, it's his show and I'm just hanging around to make it as easy as possible. I've spent enough years pissing and moaning about I this man, the least I can do is let hm die in peace.

BOING ! BOING ! BOING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Never mind "Sailing Along",  "Riding The Wave", "The Roller Coaster of Life" . . .   I am tethered to a Freaking Bungee Cord and am flipping between up and down faster than I can believe.

We have had occasions to go to Disney in Orlando and would often find ourselves riding along rt. 192 which is the Coney Island of the Orlando area.  Souvenir shops galore, carnival rides and attractions and junk food to feed the masses.  We once stayed at a Ho Jo in that area and just next door was this GOD awful Bungee ride.  People would pay big bucks to sit in a sling like chair that when released would shoot up toward the heavens only to free fall back down and then be yanked back up and fall back down and pulled back up and crash back down. THIS was considered FUN ! This thing would be going all day and all night. There were that many people actually enjoying this.

I am now riding my very own bungee. HOLY CRAP !  It just keeps getting more and more interesting every day !  One minute I am looking at Husband and thinking, "Wow, he looks really good today!" and the next minute I am in the closet picking out clothes to bury him in. No joke, it changes that fast. There is NO planning ahead because any thing beyond the here and now is a crap shoot. When I think he will be fine to go to get his PET scan done he suddenly looses every ounce of body mass and strength. I have to practically hold him up to get from wheel chair to car. Then we get to the doctor's office and I am planning in my head just how I am going to manage this next step Husband whips open the car door and starts climbing out ! I often find myself standing there shaking my head wondering WTF ?   Is it some chemical in his body that kicks off and on ?  Is it sugar highs?  Sugar lows ? Potassium ?  Electrolytes ? Fluids?  My head is spinning ! BOING BOING  BOING !!!

But the BEST part is, I have help ! That old cliche, LET GO - LET GOD, rings in my head constantly. I am totally into not getting excited, not trying to fix, not trying to do. I KNOW GOD has my back. I talk daily with my wonderful Guardian Angel and he is doing right by me. No matter what is going on these days I am at peace with it. We are taking things second to second and life is good.  When that bungee is crashing down toward the bottom I just grab some angel wings and know that I'm in good hands and the bungee will rise back up given time.  Faith is a powerful thing for me. I have my moments where I am a blubbering mass of snot and tears but that's cleansing and gives me the power to keep going cause I know I'm in good hands. As for the bungee, I will never say I like this ride. It is a bitch and a half but once your on the damn thing you just settle in and ride it out. That's where we are at and that's where we will be for as long as this ride keeps going.