HAPPY DREAMS

I would very much like to go to bed some night and close my eyes and fall sound asleep with in minutes, Just like Husband !  How lovely it would be to close my eyes and have my brain turn off at the same time.  How lovely it would be not to be laying there for an hour or more planning the next day.
When H got cancer and his chemo brain kicked in I bought a small white board that we stuck on the bedroom wall right across from H's side of the bed. Each night when we go to bed I write on it whatever is on "our schedule" for the next day.  (The joke is OUR schedule since H doesn't have a clue and just goes where ever I go.)  All day today H kept asking me what day today was. And then after finding out it was Monday, (for the umpteenth time), he would tell me he has NOTHING on the calendar for Tuesday.  As I stood at the white board tonight listing ALL the things that were going on tomorrow I realized that the board was actually for me to keep track of the days events.
The fact that the repair man is coming to fix "our" wall oven makes no difference to H. As long as there has been dinner in front of him the past week and a half he could care less the lengths I have gone to to prepare the food.  Having the toaster oven die at the same time as the big oven really did present quite a challenge.
The fact that the cleaning ladies are coming tomorrow only involves H because there is a 2 hour time slot that he has to leave his chair and turn off Fox News. The fact that these two saints will come into our home and clean the mess that we are living in and more importantly disinfect the bathroom comes as no interest to H.  I will kiss their feet and pay them double to enter that bathroom after 2 weeks of H using it !
I will go to bed tonight with the phone next to my bed so I can get the call in the morning telling me what time the repair man will get here. I'll have to call the gate to let them in and then go "pre" clean the kitchen so the men can find the oven. Then it's on to picking up the news papers all around H's chair, getting the dishes out of the sink, putting away all the clothes H has strewn around the bed room and in general get the house cleaned up for the cleaning ladies.

With all this is rattling around in my brain as I get ready for bed it will take me an hour or so to settle down as I mentally add to the "TO DO" list for the morning.  But it really doesn't matter that all this is keeping me awake because I can't sleep anyway thanks to H's  snoring !

THE MISSING LINK

Once again I am referring to Husband. The poor thing!  Once again I sit here in total amazement at the things he says and does and wonder WHAT goes on inside his brain !

We have definitely established the man has a brain. After countless "brain" scans the doctors can see that H does indeed possess something inside his skull other than cotton fluff. It appears to be a functioning "organ" but I really do wonder.

Then this morning it hit me, H is the missing link between cave man and human being. Somewhere along the line of evolution the cave man developed a thinking process and went from eating flesh off a woolly mammoth to processing that flesh, cooking it and using a knife and a fork. I assume it was around this time that "civilized" man started wearing clothes and peeing in a toilet.

Having a husband who seems to be having trouble with all of the above " Civilized" actions I have come to the conclusion that he is indeed the missing link. Seeing how I need an explanation for H's recent bizarre behavior MISSING LINK is as reasonable as any other explanation. THINKING is a key word here. I fail to see any attempt on H's part to separate necessity from frivle. (That which is NOT necessary. This includes sitting in front of Fox News and picking ones nose. Both of which H can do simultaneously to an expert degree.) Necessity includes feeding ones' self, peeing IN a toilet and dressing in CLEAN, dry clothes. We could include shaving every so often so that one does not look like Santa on a binge and brushing teeth at least ONCE a day. (I would prefer both those actions be taken a lot more often but I'll take what I can get!)

And then there is the whole eating thing. I made a chicken roast yesterday that I had bought at Sam's club.  One of those wonderful pre-cooked things that just take minutes to heat.  It was chicken stuffed with artichoke hearts, spinach and cheese.  It was delicious! True to form Husband asked 

"What's in this" and true to form I didn't quite lie, I just omitted mentioning the artichoke hearts. Heaven forbid H should eat anything healthy. It wasn't until one of the kids mentioned artichoke hearts that H did a double take and a good look at his plate. Up to that point he was quite happy eating what was in front of him. He did not mention any odd tastes or textures and was actually enjoying his dinner.   His plate was nearly empty when the horrific word ARTICHOKE was mentioned. At that point H completely stopped eating and refused another bite.

SERIOUSLY ??????  

The man is a neanderthal and I have the "pleasure" of living with him.  Now I know why cave women looked as bad as they did and would travel miles and miles ALONE on the pretense of gathering berries.  I'd rather chance the attack of a rabid saber tooth tiger than put up with this shit !  

WHAT IS THIS GOOEY MESS ? REALLY ?

I'm talking here SALT WATER TAFFY . . .  Who invented this disgusting stuff ?  And WHY ?

I know there is a dentist behind this invention.  Hell, lets make something that will pull out all existing fillings and remain stuck to the teeth long after a person is finished eating it.  Actually, you are never finished with taffy because it stays stuck on and in and between your teeth for months after so you are continuously finding small pieces to chew on long after the initial ingestion.  And those pieces you don't find remain there creating a lovely nesting place for plaque and germs to make new cavities for you.  It's a gold mine for dentists.

And if it wasn't a dentist who created this goo who the hell was the inventor ? I would like to smack him up side his head with a wad of week old taffy.

Every souvenir shop and gift shop in the world sells this stuff.  Thousands of miles from the sea you find SALT WATER taffy. Is someone shipping in gallons of salt water in order to make this stuff?  And who the hell BUYS it ? Have you EVER found a person who says, "OOOOH, SALT WATER TAFFY! I LOVE THAT STUFF MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF!"   NO!  I don't think so.  Are the "Taffy-a-holics" like chocoholics ?  NO, Again, I don't think so.  The stuffy is just plain NASTY!  And what about the fact that it comes in "flavors" ?  Sorry to tell you but to me the chocolate tastes like the coffee which tastes like the strawberry. Nasty is Nasty no matter what label you put on the wrapper.

Heaven forbid you don't eat the gunk immediately because once the box is opened the air starts to harden those little tidbits of goo. The longer it remains in the box the stickier and harder it gets.  But before it hardens it goes through the SOFT and gooey stage so that when you try to unwrap the stuff it sticks to the paper, your fingers, your hair, your clothes and all furniture within a 20 foot radius.
If you think giving peanut butter to your dog is hilarious try giving taffy to a toddler.  Best entertainment EVER !

Can you tell I don't like taffy ?  Never did, never will.   Give me some good old fashioned chocolate any day and keep the taffy for sticking photos on your fridge or plugging up holes in cement.

This blog was inspired by my recent trip to MD. The airports ALL sell adorable containers of taffy.  I have never seen anyone buy any but there they are on display. I chuckled to myself when I arrived home to find that Ger's brother had brought Ger a box of SALT WATER TAFFY !  It figures that Husband actually likes this stuff.  Just what he needs !