THE GUATEMALAN NANNY

 I am not being racist . . . I am making a point.  Living in South Florida most of our under paid, unappreciated and hardest working people are from Guatemala.  I doubt that most of them are here legally but that fact does not come in to play when you are looking for a good, hard worker to clean your house, landscape your property or watch your children. I have yet to meet a single obnoxious person from this third world country. They work hard at what ever it is they are doing but no one acknowledges their existence.  They are invisible to the world unless they screw up.  They are here to make money to send back to their families so that those left in Guatemala can have slightly better lives. 

My point today is the un appreciated part of the lives of these people because this weekend I am getting a taste of what it must feel like to be in their shoes.  I am spending the weekend at my daughter's house,"babysitting" her two children ages 14 and 11.  It is interesting to say the least. I see these kids all the time and have been very involved with their lives since the day they were born.  They are, after all, my daughter's kids and that makes them even more special. (There's something about my daughter's daughter that tugs at my heart.) I adore all my grandkids and because I spend more time with these two I am more involved in their every day lives. 

BUT . . . Up until now these grand kids have been exactly that . . . KIDS . . . suddenly I am dealing with a teen age girl and a pre pubescent boy.  OI !!!!!!  I mean, I had 3 kids, they were all teenagers but this is a whole different world. Between cell phones and video games I have not had a conversation of more than three words with either of them.  And those words were squeezed in between commercials, calls and running, jumping, shooting in the video game. (These video games are horrid !!!!!!)  I have NO idea what the purpose of al the running and jumping is but Finn seems to know what he's doing.  I love it when he says, "Watch this grandma . . . "  I haven't got a clue what the hell I"m watching, which character is the one being controlled by Finn or what the point of all this is. But I nod and throw in a "WOW" every so often and that seems to make the boy happy.  

As for the teenage girl . . .  HOLY CRAP !!!!  When my kids were teens they came home from school, grabbed a snack form the kitchen, grunted a hello to me and went into their rooms to do God knows what while blasting U2 or New Kids On The Block tunes. There would be some occasional drama but for the most part life was pretty simple.  NOW . . . I think the cell phone is a permanent part of the girls anatomy. It seems to have grown right into the palm of her hand so that she never has to look for it.  (On average I loose my cell phone 10 times a day. Most of the time I don't know where it is so when it rings I have to run around like an idiot following the sound of it ringing.) 

This morning I was in the kitchen making our traditional "breakfast with grandma" chocolate chip pancakes when The Girl blew into the room.  Finn had already humored me by eating a pancake, I think he would have much rather not eaten anything but being the good kid he said "yes" to my offer to cook. Kaelin plopped down on the couch in the den, phone in one hand and video controller in the other because her brother had put the game controller down in order to eat.  There were a minimum of 4 conversations going on at one time none of which I was included in.  Kae and Finn were talking, Finn was on his hand held game thing talking to his friend who was God knows where but playing the same game, (I didn't know they could talk to other players through the game thingy.) (I AM A DINOSAUR)  Kaelin was talking on her phone while also talking with someone through her game controller.  I just wanted to have breakfast with my grandkids and talk but that apparently is not an option.  At one point I walked into the den and told them to shut off EVERYTHING and come eat and speak with me.  I felt like an ogre but I just needed to connect with them.  

We briefly discussed what they had in mind for the day . . . none of which included me . . .  and they went back to talking on hand held devices.   

I am feeling like a Guatemalan Nanny who exists but is not seen or heard from. I miss my grand kids ! Could I have insisted they stay home and do something with me . . . Sure . . . but none of us would have been happy. It's a different world with totally different norms. I still want to be the "Cool" grandma so if that means letting them have their space to grow in this insane world then that is what I will do.  

I am here ALONE at their house, sitting outside in the sun, writing blogs and playing on MY iPad. I have asked The Lord to watch over my grand kids just like I used to do when my children were out and about on their own.  I trust that between The Lord and the kids smarts they will stay safe throughout the day.

 In the mean time I am REALY enjoying my quiet, ALONE time. 

Oh, and by the way . . .  have no fear that I will gain 20 pounds from sitting around doing nothing. ALL the snacks in my daughter's home are either gluten free, lactose free or non GMO. Other than the 500 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies in the living room that my grand daughter is selling there isn't a single thing in the entire house that doesn't taste and look like soggy cardboard. 

YOU . . . ARE GOING . . . TO DIE !!!!!!!!

 We are all going to die . . .   we all know that the two sure things in life are "Death and Taxes" .  Some very cleaver, (or stupid, depends on how you look at i)t,  people manage to avoid taxes but death is totally unavoidable.  It is going to happen to all of us.  

But some of us seem to have a death wish.  They do REALLY REALLY STUPID things that can hasten their demise and yet they keep on doing them.  Take for instance diving off cliffs, parachuting from airplanes, running into burning buildings, driving the speed limit in the left lane on the highways of Florida.  All of these can cause your early death. (The last of these is the most dangerous!) And yet people persist each and every day in doing these stupid things.  

The Man does not do any of the above things. He survived the Vietnam war, he flew helicopters all over Germany and the USA, he raised 2 children, and yet now in his "golden" years he seems to have a desire to die. It could be that these "Golden Years" are anything but golden, more like rust covered rotten tomatoes, but none the less we are alive and I do enjoy each and every day that I wake up and can stand on my own two feet. 

Apparently The Man does not share my zest for life because he keeps doing the same stupid things over and over again !   What would those stupid things be ?  He keeps waking ME up from a sound sleep. ON PURPOSE !!!!!!   It is one thing when your partner is snoring or talking in their sleep or even getting up ten times a night to pee, (All of those fit my profile) but those are things you can't help. They are just part of your anatomy and you have no control over them.  But purposely waking a sleeping woman is grounds for a long and painful death. 

The Man and I have been together for 6, (SIX) years. Husband and I were married for 46, (FORTY SIX), years.  Over the span of our forty six years of marriage Husband did manage to figure out just what would piss me off and what he should NEVER do.  I give him a lot of credit for learning as our lives together progressed.  The Man seems to be getting stupider as the years pass.  When I first met him he was a good listener, he cooked for me, he made decisions on his own and he would never consider "Poking The Bear". Fast forward six years and all I can say is that The Man's COPD must be depriving his brain of oxygen because he is getting dumber by the day.

I LOVE to sleep.  It my escape and my "alone" time.  I do not sleep during the day because then I don't sleep as well at night.  I have recently been diagnosed with sleep apnea but have not yet gotten a machine to correct this condition. Apparently this sleep disorder disturbs the quality of my sleep and that is why I am waking up tired.  On the nights that I can manage to get 10 hours of sleep I fell pretty good when I wake up but anything less than that causes me to be tired all day.  Now that WE know this to be a fact you would think that SOME OF US would respect the sleep habits of their partners.  But instead of that happening Mr. "Dead Brain Cell" seems to be on a mission to keep me to a minimum of sleep.

Do you think The Man has an agenda?  Do you think The Man is trying to get rid of me? If I didn't know just how incapable of taking care of himself he is I might start to wonder.  Then again . . .  maybe it's all an act ?????? 

What ever the case The Man is going to die long before he gets rid of me.  

Usually when The Man needs me to wake up he will stand at the bottom of the bed and pat or shake my feet until I wake up.  He DID learn early on in our relationship that calling my name does not work because I can't hear for S--T once I take out my hearing aids.  Then he tried patting me on the back but by doing that he was in danger of getting hit because he was standing way to close to my arms.  So he settled on standing at the foot of the bed, far enough away from flailing arms, and patting my feet.  This worked well for both of us so why he decided to change his approach mystifies me.  

Now when The Man decides I need to wake up he turns on all the lights so that I feel like I am being interrogated by the CIA. Perhaps it is my Vampire blood that causes me to react to bright light in a darkened room but what ever the case it is down right painful to me.  At night The Man likes to watch TV in bed and I hate the way the light on the TV screen brightens and dims depending on what is being shown on the screen.  I can't fall asleep because it is almost like a strobe light that kicks my brain into spasms. I have to cover my head completely in order to fall asleep. 

With that in mind if SOMEONE turns on a light right over my head while I am sleeping I wake with a jolt and sit up ready to go to battle.  It's not pretty.  So yesterday morning when we were in a motel in St. Augustine, Florida and my world was suddenly shattered by a bright light in my face I jumped up ready to kill the attacking hoard of invading Huns.  As I slowly came to my senses I realized I was in bed in our motel room and it was The Man who had disturbed my sleep. As bad as it was to have been awakened this way when I turned to look at the clock and realized it was only 7:15 AM I was ready to kill.  I was so angry I probably could have killed an entire army of marauding invaders. I looked over at The Man sitting quietly on his bed staring at me and said, rather loudly, "It's seven fifteen !!!!!!!!!!  What are you doing???????????? "  

Let me take a moment here to explain the past 3 days. On Tuesday we drove The Man's brother and sister in law up to St. Augustine.  None of them had ever been there so it seemed like a good idea. The Man drove the first half of the trip and I drove the last 2 hours.  We got 2 rooms in a very nice motel and settled in for the night. It was cold and rainy when we arrived so we were glad to get into our rooms.  No one wanted to go out to get dinner and no one seemed to want pizza delivery.  I knew this was not going to end well.  Finally our travel companions went out to check out the neighborhood and brought back an Italian  hero sandwich from the gas station across the road.  Not exactly the best dinner in the world but I was hungry and tired enough that I ate my half and actually enjoyed it.  The Man took one bite and decided it was too spicy so he had 2 cookies and called the dinner.  We were asleep by 8:30 with plans to meet at 8:30 in the morning down at the complimentary motel breakfast.  I woke up at 7"15 when The Man's alarm went off but relaxed in bed till he had all his morning routines and rituals over and done with. Having sleep nearly 11 hours I wasn't feeling bad at all.  After a decent breakfast of scrambled eggs and sausage and waffles we loaded into the car and drove into town.  It was still pretty chilly so we decided to drop Dean and Lisa at the tour trolly with the idea of picking them up after a couple of hours.  The Man and I then drove down to the ocean where we found a little pizza shop. The Man wanted ice cream for lunch but I insisted on pizza.  It was excellent pizza !  After about an hour of driving around we went back to the motel where The Man promptly fell asleep for 3 hours.  I took a long walk, played on my iPad and then after getting a call from D & L returned to town to meet them.  The 3 of us walked all around the grounds at The Fountain of Youth.  We did drink the water but it was disgusting. After a couple of hours of that we headed back to the motel with a stop in between at Publix to buy some fried chicken for dinner. I figured that was the best of our options.  (The Man does NOT go out to eat.). We texted The Man to let him know we were on our way back so he would be up and awake.  The chicken was good ! But The Man only ate ONE WING !  By now I am thinking this is not going to end well.  He said he wasn't feeling well, no energy . . .   DUH !!!!!!!!!!!   Because he had napped ALL afternoon and had eaten nothing but a mouth full of egg and one slice of pizza all day he sat up watching TV eating cookies until after 10 that night.  (I have given up on the whole eating thing.  He knows better, he won't listen, so that is his choice.). I rolled over at 9:30, tired of all the walking and fresh air and feeling good. I hurried my head under the covers and went to sleep.

Thursday we were driving home.  There was NO HURRY to check out of the motel.  Check out was at 11:00 so WHY WHY WHY did The Man have to set his alarm for 7:15 in the morning is still one of the greatest mysteries of all times.  Because he had slept the entire day on Wednesday he woke up before his alarm and felt the need to wake me. In our room we had one of those little coffee makers so you can have a cup of coffee before heading down to the hotel breakfast.  The Man had used this little machine the previous day and for what ever reason used BOTH of the cups that were provided.  So here he was at 7:15 AM with NO cup in which to make his NECESSARY morning coffee.  Thus . . .  I had to be awake to accompany him in his misery.  Once I got my anger under control I told him he was quite capable of waling the 5 steps from our room to the elevator which would bring him downstairs right outside the breakfast room door where he could get fifty seven cups of freaking coffee !!!!!!! Again . . . DUH !!!  I think at this point The Man may have realized he was very close to a long and painful death if he did not leave the room immediately.  When I came out of the bathroom, where I had gone to try to calm down, The Man was not in the room.  A VERY VERY good move on his part.  

We were home in our house at noon.  I drove most of the way.  When we got home The Man took a nap and I went to Publix to get dinner,  

Today I am going over to my daughter's house to stay with her 2 kids for the weekend.  I am looking forward to spending some time away from this nut house and maybe getting some sleep.  My grand kids know better than to wake up Grandma !!!   

TOXIC FUMES TWO

 I realize that I pick on The Man and men in general so in all fairness I must admit to my very own extreme stupidity. I have on MANY occasions been extremely stupid but I rarely admit it.  Most times I look around to see if anyone has seen my faux pas and if I'm clear of witnesses I just move on like nothing has happened.  This can be the case in something as innocent as spilling my food down my chest or as dangerous as driving through a stop sign.  In either case I am being stupid and could end up with severe consequences.  In the case of eating like a pig I could end up having to buy a whole new outfit, (Oh how horrible!) but if I drive through a stop sign I could end up killing someone and/or myself.  

In my long and illustrious (?) life I have found myself doing some incredibly dumb things.  Most of these I have managed to blot from my memory but a few still do stick in my mind.  Two of them have to do with my cars.   There was the time that I was driving my big 8 passenger van down the road doing about 55 when I thought I was shifting it into "overdrive", ( Which was an extra gear that we used when going over 50 mph.  It was supposed to save gas but I have my doubts about that.   It think it was just a marketing gimmick.). Anyway . . .   I was rolling along singing with the radio while muttering under my breath about the most recent annoyance caused by Husband, when I automatically reached for the gear shift but instead of putting the car into overdrive I shifted into REVERSE.  (It was an automatic transmission so don't ask me what I was thinking other than the fact that I was NOT thinking. ) Well, there was a God awful grinding noise and the engine died. Thankfully I was not on the expressway or any other large and crowded highway.  I was on a large road that allowed me to do 55 mph but there was not much traffic so I just pulled the van to the side of the road and sat shaking at the thought of having killed my van and how was I going to explain this to Husband.  Thankfully the car started back up as if nothing had happened.  I NEVER told Husband or another living soul because it really was a stupid thing to do.  If I wasn't making a point  in todays blog that story may have gone to the grave with me. 

Stupidity #2 that I will share with you is the day I was backing my car out of the driveway and almost ripped off the drivers door.  I know you are trying to picture how I could manage that idiocy so I will enlighten you.  The car was parked up near the garage door and for what ever reason I wanted/needed to move the car back to the other end of the driveway. (It probably had something to do with the kids wanting to play in the driveway.) I got into the car, turned it on but left the door wide open . . .  I was just backing up a couple of feet so why bother shutting the door.  It all would have been fine except for the very large oak tree that stood on the left side of the drive way. I knew the tree was there, it had ALWAYS been there so why did I think I could back past it with the car door open?  Who knows . . .  but I do know that as soon as the door jammed into the side of the tree and nearly folded  in two I knew I was a complete idiot !!  Husband was not home at the time and all I could think of was how to cover this up so he would never know.  That was not even near to being possible so I had to admit my stupidity and take the car to the body shop on the corner to have them fix my mess. 

So with all those proofs of just how dumb I can be I guess setting fire to my recipe box isn't all that bad. But considering I had just had a run in with melting the plastic glasses on the back burner on my stove you really would have thought I would be more attentive and careful.  NOT !!  The other night I was cooking dinner for our house guests.  I had taken my little wooden recipe box from the cabinet and put it down on the stove. (I LOVE these ceramic cook top electric stoves but they are dangerous. It is all to easy to use them as extended counter space, which I do all the time.)  I took out the recipe I needed and pushed the box to the back of the stove because I would be using the oven to cook dinner.  Mid way through preparing the meal I decided I needed to make some rice to accompany the fish I was baking.  I got out the pot for the rice, added the water and butter and turned on the burner.  I SWEAR to you I looked to make sure I had the right burner turned on but . . .    Yup, you guessed it. The next minute I'm wondering what that odd smell was.  Thankfully I realized what I had done before there was any major damage, smoke or flames but I did have to grab to box and throw it into the sink to keep it from burning any more.  The house filled with smoke, doors had to get opened and fans had to be turned on full blast.   All this was made even more imbarasing because not only did we have our house guests but we also had invited another couple over for dinner so I had 5 witnesses to my latest dumb move.  

I am seriously hoping these are not the early signs of dementia but considering my past I think I'm good to go on that front.  I will just chalk it up to being an idiot and not focusing on what I am doing.  Trying to do three things at once is not a good thing for me to do.  Considering I can't walk and chew gum at the same time I guess this is all to be expected. Add to that I am a blond and over the age of 75 so maybe I'm not doing so bad after all.