SAYING GOOD-BYE

I have just returned from a weekend in Maine, which is usually one of my very favorite places to be.
Ever since I was 14 years old I have been fortunate enough to spend at least one week of summer in this wonderful state.
It all started years and years ago when my dad had a summer job as a counsellor at a boys camp for the blind. I'm not even sure where this camp was, possibly in Maine, possibly in New Your, I honestly don't remember. At the time Papa Danny was just a teenager himself and living on the upper west side of Manhattan so a summer working in the country was a real treat.  He always  spoke fondly of his time at the camp but his very best experience there was meeting his life long friend, Forrest Estabrook. Forrest was a young kid from Portland, Maine working at the camp just like my dad. The two young boys hit it off and were fast friends until their dying days.
As a small child my parents would bring me to Portland to visit Forrest and his wife Ann.  I have photo's of their house but I swear I can remember being there even though I was no older than 2 or 3. As the years went on Forrest and Ann moved to Augusta, Maine and every couple of years my dad would take me on vacation to give my mom a break while caring for my two old grandpas who lived with us. Sometimes she would be able to get someone to care for grandpa but most  often it was just my dad and me.
The year I turned 14 my father brought me to Augusta and after visiting with his friends for a few days he had to return to give my mom a hand and to get back to his job in NY. It was agreed by all that I would remain in Maine with Forrest and Ann for another week to give my parents a much needed break from me! After about 8 hours of being on my own I knew I was in for a rough week. Being an only child I did not like to sleep over at friends and I had a terrible problem with separation. And yet I agreed to stay in Maine for a week ???  What was I thinking ??  Forrest and Ann never had any children and I'm sure they were just as panicked as I was once the dust settled and my father was out of reach.  As a last ditch effort to entertain me and keep me from going into full panic mode they introduced me to their next door neighbor who happened to be my age. Beverly was a very nice girl but just because we were the same age didn't mean we hit it off. Not happening ! Fortunately Bev had a younger sister, Gloria, who was 2 years younger than me and WE hit it off fantastically !!  My mental age and Glo's chronological age matched perfectly and we have been BEST friends ever since.
Years would go by when Glo and I wouldn't see each other but we always kept in touch by writing letters.  Endless letters that would cover months of events and wouldn't get mailed until there were too many pages to stuff in an envelope. We wrote all through high school and college.  I saw Glo once when I started teaching and she came to NY and it was like we had just been together yesterday. Something only the very best of friends can do.
Years went by and I got married, two years later Gloria got married. We knew all about each other's prospective spouses through those letters.  I had a son, Gloria had a son. I had a daughter, Gloria had a daughter. Gloria laughed herself silly when I got pregnant only a year later only to have the same thing happen to her. And there we were, both with three children, boy-girl-boy. It was uncanny to say the least.
When Gloria's youngest child was one year old Glo and I decided it was time to get together and meet each other's families. The husbands had never met, our children were all under the age of 7 and WE, (Glo and I), decided to rent a house TOGETHER on Lake Sebago for a WEEK ! We always laugh when we look back on this as it could have been a disaster beyond all disasters but as it turned out it was one of the best weeks of all of our lives. It was the week that we were all blessed to meet Gloria's wonderful husband John Mac Gregor. John and Gerry hit it off so well that they were friends for life. Gerry was never as funny and light hearted as when he was with John. John had a way of touching people and making them feel like they were his very best friend. Over the years we drank a lot of Gin and ate a lot of lobsters with this great family. We all loved John so very much and so when he died from heart failure this past weekend it was no surprise that there was such an out pouring of love and respect for him from what seemed like the entire population of Portland, Maine who came to the funeral home to hug Gloria and give their regrets to John's children.
Our only saving thought is that John and Ger are now sitting on a park bench up in Heaven looking down on all of us and laughing their fool heads off. God Bless them both.

BRAIN BOLTS

So here is part 2 of the "THOUGHTS AT THREE A.M." blog.  You need to read that one first.

I have now returned to bed in the very weeeeeeeeee hours of the morning (night) and am actually sort of starting to relax into an almost state of slumber. My brain is quieting down, thoughts of my kids, concerns of me moving, all the "what to do, what to do's" are beginning to quiet down and I'm beginning to drift into a dream like state in which I'm seeing myself moving into my new condo with Dwayne in a month,  (I've just thrown a load of information at you right there), we are putting the furniture in the different rooms, arranging things for this new phase of our lives when
           
                                       WHAM !!!!!!!    

I shoot straight up in bed with the thought " We don't have access to the storage shed on the property!"  
                                         Good bye sleep,              Hello blog.       

Here's the story. After our trip to Alaska Dw (Dwayne) calls me and suggests that we rent a condo down here TOGETHER.  A  condo larger than the tiny Cathie Cave. Last year when Dw came down here for 5 months we had a ball but this place is small and we couldn't have guests over for dinner or even drinks never mind to stay over night. So this suggestion sounded fantastic! I immediately began the search and found a wonderful garden community very close by. I got a realtor and found THE PERFECT PLACE. Two bedrooms, two baths, reasonable rent, gated community, community pool, a huge screened patio with lots of furniture that the owner will allow us to purchase for a very minimum price. The place is exactly what we are looking for. Keri went with me to look at it and we both loved it. BUT . . . neither of us thought to look in the storage shed on the patio. The shed is attached to the unit and we had seen other units and looked in their sheds. When we looked at this particular unit I looked AT the shed and noticed there was a lock box on the door handle so I guess for that reason I didn't bother to open the shed door. I just ASS U MED the lock box contained the key to the house and for some reason was put on the shed door and not the condo door.  
Dw and I signed the lease  and my realtor stopped by to pick up the rent and deposit monies. 

So at 4 A.M. the Brain Bolt shoots into my brain and nearly knocks me out of the bed with the thought. "HEY DUMMY, maybe the lock box is on the storage shed because the landlord doesn't want you to have access to the shed." THIS could be a problem for me. I WANT that storage space, I've already planned what is going into that space. I NEED that space.  Am I willing to give up the whole condo because of this? After a week of contracts and emails and phone calls am I ready to drop the whole thing, disappoint Dw and try to pull out of this deal?  Is there more to this that my brain is not saying but is using this as an excuse to not make this move? 
These and a thousand other thoughts are now racing through my head as I am hysterically pacing the tiny space of my living room at FOUR IN THE MORNING !  Oh my God I have lost my mind!
After about ten minutes of hysteria I  talk myself down and realize that:
1. I do not know for a fact that the shed is not available to use. 
2. Even if it wasn't available would I give up the whole place?
3. Why get all worked up until I talk to my realtor and get some answers about the shed.
4. If a decision has to be made I now have a partner who will help me make that decision. 

(I actually surprised myself at how quickly I came to those calming thoughts and realized that I had been taunting the devil yesterday because I was pissed at what he is doing to my children. I basically told him to back off my family because I know we have God on our side and no matter what that stinking piece of shit satan throws at us God's got us in HIS hands. So what am I to expect but some retaliation on the part of evil. )

As it all turned out the shed is ours to use, of course and all is going as planned.  All the paper work is in, the condo association is giving their approval and it is a GO for moving in two weeks from now.
All that panic for nothing ! But on the heals of that panic attack Keri recommended a wonderful book that addresses those 3 AM brain bolts or "CHATTER" as the author likes to call it. 
The book is, CRASH THE CHATTER by Steven Furtick. An excellent read of you have ever heard those little voices telling you "You can't", "You shouldn't" or "You aren't".  

HOW INCONVIENT

I'm sitting here in New York's LaGuardia airport waiting for my connecting flight to West Palm Beach after spending a very emotional weekend with my longest and closest friend Glo who's wonderful husband passed away a week ago. I had to be here with her and would not have missed this time in Portland Maine for all the world. Glo and John were the kind of people that EVERYONE loved. To know them was to love them and this was made evident by the outpouring of love on Friday night when what seemed like hundreds of people arrived at the funeral home to extend their sympathy to Gloria and her beautiful family. It was a rough but joyous weekend with so many people coming together to share so many memories and stories. We laughed and cried and celebrated a wonderful man gone way too soon.

Now as I'm sitting here waiting for my flight home, still an emotional mess breaking into tears at the drop of a hat, there is a man sitting across from me talking on his cell phone, top of his voice as only the most obnoxious New Yorkers can do, complaining to the person on the other end of the phone that "This funeral is coming at THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME!".  Apparently someone has thoughtlessly died without consulting this fellow and scheduling it 3 weeks in advance. How very RUDE of them !  The man was saying that if the funeral was on the weekend it would have been so much better but Wednesday and Thursday is just too difficult to work into his busy life.

I hope the Good Lord will give this man plenty of advanced notice before his demise so he can arrange his busy calendar to accommodate his own death. What a JERK !  And he didn't even realize what he was saying or how stupid it sounded to anyone listening. How sad.

THOUGHTS TO THINK AT THREE A.M.

As you can gather from the title of this little piece my sleep patterns have not improved any over the past couple of days. I tried going to bed at 10:30 last night and that only got me to wake up at 3:30 this morning.  It was a gentle awaking, a slow rise from where ever my brain takes me when I sleep and as I lie there in bed deciding if I should get up or try to re-enter the world of oblivion I started to focus on what I was seeing even though my eyes were shut.   Did you ever think about this ?

WHAT DO YOUR EYES SEE WHEN YOUR EYE LIDS ARE CLOSED ?
 (Remember please it is three in the morning, I am sleep deprived, under stress and on wacky medication so cut me some slack!)

This is some serious stuff to consider. You've got to try this! Sit or lie in a dark room, close your eyes and focus your brain on what you are seeing.  At first you just say, "I see nothing. It's black." But give it a few minutes and concentrate on LOOKING at the inside of your eye lids. I mean, if you think about it, your eyes are always working. They don't stop seeing just because you put your eye lids down or "Shut Your Eyes" so to speak. So if your eyes are "SEEING" all the time just what is it that they are seeing when you shut your eyes? I assume you are looking at the back of your eyelids and if I focus on that I get quite a display of color and filtered light. (Yes, it IS time to call my children and have me committed!  I have totally gone over the edge.)  I have in fact been conscious of the eye ball show for years now and can often entertain myself by watching this show that is being played out on the inside of my eyelid or in my brain or where ever the hell this insanity comes from. It's often much more entertaining that the crap that is on TV.
This morning as I was relaxing watching "The Show" in my head I wished I had an ounce of artistic talent and could capture the color and movement of what I was seeing. It looked like a purple and black galaxy of stars with streaks and spatters of white all swirling and moving constantly. It was BEAUTIFUL.  I can get scientific and  philosophical here and project that when we close our eyes and focus our mind we are seeing a reflection of our brain or our eye. Or perhaps we are getting  glimpses into the origins of our existence or maybe even Heaven.

What ever it is it kept me from jumping out of bed at 3:30 A.M.

As for falling back to sleep . . . Well that is a whole other blog that you can read next.

THE "QUEEN" IS DEAD

 I regret to inform you that all signs indicate the Queen of Sleep has left the building once and for all.
Instead of flowers please send night lights, computer paper or books because what the hell is there to do at 4 AM when I now seem to be waking up on a regular basis.

Yes !  You read that right . . .  ME, The all time QUEEN OF SLEEP who never rose from the depths of slumber until it was at least 10 AM or later unless there was some un-Godly reason, is now waking up at around 4AM every morning and not being able to get back to sleep.   That whole get BACK to sleep is the key to all this. I used to wake up during the night, wander the house, go pee, check on kids, door locks, weather conditions, tent flaps etc. etc. and then get right back into bed and within seconds be sound asleep again.  Not any more !  Either I have a very guilty conscience about something, am horribly upset about something, am terribly worried about something  . . .  wait, I think I may have hit about something!  But NO, that's not it because, lets face it folks,  who isn't walking around with all that crap going on in their heads. I've always had all that going on in my life so what is different now?

DRUGS !  Medication, That's what is different and once again we return to the old Just Say NO !  But we have established through the trial and huge errors of the past several months that this Queen happens to need certain medication. FACT!  So that being said we now need to find one that will take away the anxiety and depression but NOT take away the sleep.  I LOVE my sleep.  I LOVE my bed !  Best purchase I ever made was buying this awesome bed. But I digress once again.  So here I am, 
4 AM, eyeballs popped open, looking at the clock saying "Oh Crap! Here we go again."  Now that I'm awake, what should I do? What to do?  And naturally now I get thinking, "Hum, I guess I should go pee. Maybe that's what woke me." So I climb out from under those nice warm covers, (I keep the house cold at night just so I can snuggle under covers. That's part of the joy of sleep.), Schlep out to the potty, schlep back to bed and lie back down.  Now, and here's where it has all changed, my brain has caught on to the fact that my body is no longer in a prone position. Brain now realizes that Body is, or has been MOVING, so Brain starts moving also. And that's where it all falls apart.  

Unfortunately I am no longer a Zombie as a result of this new medication. (I can only imagine what you all must have thought of me all these years past while I was in my Zombie state of mind.) How could I possibly have functioned all these years on Paxil with such peace of mind and such joy of sleep? All that has been cleared out of my system and my mind is on fire with thoughts and ideas. My brain has become the Energizer Bunny working overtime to keep up with everything.
AND I DON'T LIKE IT !!!  Now I know why some people "do" drugs.  Holy cow, shut this down! This is part of the reason I started on medication in the first place!

And so, in a few weeks I will return to the doctor, once again and see if perhaps there is another alternative I can try. Until then I am reading a great book that Keri and Steve recommended called,
CRASH THE CHATTERBOX  by Steven Furtick.   Good thing I'm up early so I have plenty of time to read. 

LOST AND SEEK

I spent some time in Pompano today with "The Gang" down there and all Wynn wanted to do while we were at the house was for Grand ma to play Hide and Seek.  Let me mention that they live in a three story town house with HUGE flights of stairs that I barely crawl up and down when I arrive and leave no less run up and down in a game of hide and seek. The poor little man just couldn't understand why Grand ma wouldn't join in this all time favorite pass time. (We went to the play ground and splash pad down by the ocean and had ice cream for lunch so that pretty much made up for the lack of hide and seek time.)

What Wynn fails to realize is that Grand ma spends most of my days playing my own version of hide and seek. Only mine usually is at a much greater cost. For example, in the past 16 hours alone, (yes, I was up at 4 AM this morning! Don't ask me why? But at least I"m not depressed any more.) I have managed to loose no less than FOUR different things. THANK GOD none of them were any of the kids !  I lost a credit card, a hearing aide, the keys to my condo and a new prescription that I just picked up at the pharmacy !  Please note that I did NOT include in the list of losses that I have lost my mind.  That ship sailed so long ago it's not worth mentioning.

The credit card and the prescription were lost at the same time, or so I am assuming, but we all know what happens when we Ass U Me things so who knows where or when those two went AWOL. I did find both of them when I dumped my purse and back pack out on the bed. Between transferring things from one bag to another all sorts of stuff got misplaced.
The hearing aide vanished when I lay down on the couch after staggering in the door this afternoon upon my return from Pompano. I remember taking them (2) out of my ears, placing them on the coffee table, (or the thing that stands in front of the couch but is by no means "a table"), and falling sound asleep for an hour. About two hours later when I went to put them back in my ears there sat ONE hearing aide, all alone, looking all innocent and lonesome. No second hearing aide anywhere in sight. Now seriously . . .  How does that happen?  I put 2 down, I went to sleep and when I wake up there is only 1 there ?  Mice ??  Pixies ??  The Borrowers ????? (I always knew those books were about real little people!)  So after I took all the cushions off the couch, vacuumed under the cushions, moved the couch, vacuumed under and behind the couch, picked up the area rug, moved and vacuumed that and STILL no hearing aide I decided it was time to call in the BIG GUY! Prayer time! "OK GOD, I Need some help here PLEASE!" As I'm putting the stuff back on the shelf of the "coffee table" I look in the box with the clicker and guess what's sitting in the bottom of the box? YUP ! The missing hearing aide.  Go figure! So I guess God wanted me to clean my living room and didn't know how else to get me motivated.
The keys to the condo are hopefully in the console of my car where Kent put them after taking my car to his meeting today so I could use his car to transport the kids to the beach.  There were several moments of panic as I pulled into my condo parking lot and started looking for my keys and couldn't find them. I figured they HAD to be someplace and I did have a spare condo key on my car keys which NEVER leave my bag, (love that push button ignition) so I just used that key to get into my house. I called Kent and he says they are in the top of the center console where I never thought to look. By then I was so tired I just figured I'd wait till tomorrow and hope he's right.

So little man Wynn, when you ask Grand ma to play hide and seek you have to realize that not only don't Grand ma's knees work for going up and down stairs but Grand ma is tired of SEEKING.  That's all I do most days and it's freaking exhausting !!

E MOE GEEEEEEEEEEE

I took Kaelin and Finn to the movies yesterday to see the EMOJI movie, their choice not mine. but any chance to spend time with these guys is quality time so what the hey! I must say I learned a lot about my iphone from this silly movie.  It actually taught me about the workings of my phone and how to navigate the different apps and what some of them are actually are for.   Go figure!
Here I am, Grand Ma, 72 years old, living in this high tech world and thinking I am doing OK keeping up with the technology and I go to a movie for kids and realize I haven't got a clue as to what is going on !  (Well to be perfectly honest I did have a clue when I was with Abby and she was playing with my phone and doing all sorts of things with it that I had NEVER seen before or realized were even available or possible.) There is nothing like a pre-teen to make you feel like the dinosaur that you are.
Back to the movie. . .  I read the reviews before taking the kids and thought to myself, "This is going to be a snoozer!". I love kid movies and will spend hours with the kids watching the series of Ice Age movies or Night at The Museum. Cartoon movies are great and I really enjoyed the Secret Lives of Pets and am looking forward to going to see "Nut Job 2" which will hit the theaters some time next week or the week after. But this Emoji movie about the little pictures that you can tag onto your text messages on your phone . . . Seriously ?  A whole 90 minutes of this has got to be boring as hell. But for the kids we will do just about anything. So off we go into the depths of cineplex 16, down the corridor to the very last theater, (this is NOT a good sign that this is a popular top rated show) and up to our seats in the very top row where we can look down on the four or five other families who are dumb enough to have gotten suckered into paying $20 to sit and watch a movie about an iPhone.
SURPRISE   SURPRISE   SURPRISE   !!!!   as Barney Fife used to say, this is one cute movie that has a few good laughs in it and also, as I mentioned before, gives us dinosaurs some insight into just what is going on inside this phone thingy that we all have.
Maybe I just enjoyed the movie so much because I identified with the main character, Gene, who is an emoji who is ALWAYS supposed to express ONE emotion but just can't do that.  Like me, Gene is all over the map with his emotions and depending on the circumstances he expresses himself accordingly.  Finally!  I have found someone I can relate to. To bad it is a cartoon character in a kids movie that Finn didn't have a clue as to what was going on in. Poor Finn, and I think perhaps even Kaelin to a degree, since they don't use iPhones regularly, a lot of the humor and action was lost on them when the characters were moving around the "wall paper" and in and out of the different apps. HELL, I was having trouble keeping up.
But through it all Gene was right there expressing himself exactly as I would have been. Trying to figure it all out and never giving up. Way to go Gene !!