Everyone always says the holidays are a difficult time when you have lost a loved one and although I knew that must be true I didn't quite understand the complete reasoning behind this. I mean there are the obvious reasons but it's much more subtle than all that. For me it's all the "silly" little things that I am encountering as I am decorating the house and preparing for Christmas. With each box of decorations that I open there is something that Gerry had influenced. For you see, Christmas was the one and ONLY time of the year that I could get this man involved with the decorating for the season.
It was a mammoth production of taking 2 cars to the storage unit or "lock up" as Ger liked to call it. Numerous trips to load the boxes of decorations into the cars and bring them home to the garage. Ger's job was then to find the Christmas lights and get them sorted, working and hung. (Never done in less than a weeks time and always with help.) But the boxes of decorations were my favorite. Ger would dig through the boxes to find his favorite things and once he was SURE he could put them ANYWHERE HE WANTED he was on a roll ! Retirement got his decorating juices flowing and he had great fun placing each item throughout the house.
Thinking about it now, this was the first opportunity Ger ever had to do anything like this. Retirement gave him the time and Christmas gave him the canvas to let his creative juices flow. There was one particular little Santa decoration that tells how many days till Christmas and each day you rotate 2 small wooden cubes to keep it up to date. Trouble is the cubes never had all the numbers we needed and Ger would anguish over that Santa each day, gluing on small pieces of paper on which he had written the correct number. That was his mission! GUESS WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING I UNPACKED THIS YEAR ? Yup ! Right at the top of the first box I opened ! HI GER !
THAT is what I am finding each day this Christmas season. Little things that are bringing me to my knees with tears that I am laughing and smiling through remembering this silly man that shared so many Christmas's with us. But so often I was so busy I didn't see the little things going on right in front of me that made this person I married so special. It isn't until the fog clears and the memories sift out only the good things to remember. And that's OKAY ! It's good and I am enjoying this bittersweet feeling.
This is a real Christmas this year. Ger is gone from Earth but no where near gone from any of our hearts and minds. Last year was a make believe Christmas of us all pretending that everything was "normal". That this shriveled old man in the wheel chair was Gerry. That Christmas would go on just like always and that even though he couldn't help with the decorations or put up the lights, or trim the tree or drink tea from his silly cracked bright blue Christmas flamingo mug EVERYTHING was normal. But it wasn't. And we all knew it and we could pretend all we wanted but it was sad !
This year Gerry is at Peace. I KNOW this ! I am so happy for him every day of the rest of my life that he doesn't suffer, that he is someplace so wonderful and I will see him again. And for now, Life is real again for me. No more pretending that everything is OK because everything IS ok. I welcome the tears when they come, I embrace the memories and cherish the past and hope I can make some new memories to leave behind for those I love.
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