These past few weeks I have been thinking of several different blogs to write. I have been composing them in my head at night as I wait for sleep but I just haven't gotten around to taking the time to sit down and commit them to "paper". I had good intentions of writing one earlier today but since I am having a colonoscopy/endoscopy tomorrow I have been a little busy running the Hundred Yard Dash. (I think if Olympic athletes had to do the prep for colonoscopy just before their races they would probably break all sorts of records.)
Although the preparation for these tests has vastly improved over the years it still all comes down to the need to empty your body of EVERYTHING so the doctor can see inside your intestines. To do this you are required to begin your "prep" 3 days before the actual test. I personally start a week ahead by eating everything in sight because I know that in 4 days I will have stop eating solid food and in 6 days I will be drinking the equivalent of Lake Superior in order to flush out everything that I have eaten for the past 5 years. The night before a colonoscopy is a brutal and cruel evening that requires the stamina of a water buffalo and the speed of a gazelle. For the entire day before this test you are required to abstain from solid food and consume only clear fluids. By the time 6 PM rolls around you are weak from hunger and eager for this ordeal to be done. BUT it only gets better. At 6:00 you get to start drinking 64 ounces of Gatorade into which an entire bottle of Miralax has been dissolved. Now the fun really begins ! I don't mind Gatorade at all but having to drink 8 ounces every half hour for four hours is not an easy task. Because there is no food in my stomach the gatorade hits like a tsunami in the Philippines and for the next 4 hours the volcano erupts with little or no warning. It is at this point that you move the TV into the bathroom along with your pillow and blanket because you are NOT leaving this room any time soon.
You also need to know that the doctor has failed to tell you in his pre-op instructions that you will need to purchase a few additional things ahead of time besides nasty stuff you are drinking. It is of major importance to be prepared for the eruption because once it starts you better have everything you need within arms reach. Some helpful items are: 12 rolls of toilet paper, a large economy size package of baby wipes, (preferably the ones that contain soothing lotion), a vat of Vaseline or my personal preference, Bacitracin, to help put out any "friction" fires and last but not least . . .a pair of roller blades to get you to the bathroom in record time. Also, if you happen to live with someone it helps to yell, "Out of my way I'm about to BLOW" each time you make that mad dash to the toilet. This keeps any un suspecting persons from getting mowed down in your flight path.
At this point I am trying to focus on the wonderful hour sleep I will get tomorrow while the doctor goes spelunking in my intestines. Add to that the whole afternoon of R&R that you are told to do after the procedure. NO one has to tell me twice to go home and rest . . . I will be so exhausted from running tonights marathon I'll be ready to rest for the remainder of the week.
Kidding aside I do thank God we have these nasty tests because my mom died from Colon Cancer and if putting up with 12 hours of discomfort will keep me healthy I'll do this as often as my doctor says. Bottoms up !
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