I DON'T WANT TO BE IN CHARGE ANY MORE

All my life I have been "in charge".  Maybe that comes from being an only child and not having anyone else to take charge of things or I was just born with the type "A" personality where I have to be "The Boss" of everyone and everything.  (Basically that translates to being a pain in the ass to everyone around me.). 

As a kid I had to fend for myself if I wanted something.  Mom was busy with grandpas and dad was working. I entertained myself and bossed around most of the neighborhood kids.  It came natural to me to be the one gathering my friends to play stickball or to go roller skating. I organized the play for the day all summer long and none of us were ever bored. I like to think I wasn't pushy or bossy but who knows. At school it was a totally different story. There I was a mouse trying to remain invisible. I got real good at that. But when I was with friends I was comfortable taking charge when no one else wanted the job.

During my marriage Husband always told me I was a "Control Freak".  He didn't want to write the checks, balance the check book, organize the cross country vacations or deal with the daily responsibilities of running a household of 5 people. But he did not like me "taking over" and reminded me of it often. My justification was, "If I don't do it no one will".  And that sort of thinking is how I ended up teaching religious education for our parish, being class mother for all my kids in most of their elementary classes, becoming a Girl Scout leader and taking care of pretty much everything at home. 

STUPID STUPID ME !

Now here I am 78 years old and I am STILL in charge of the lives of several people. How in Heaven's name did that happen ???   How did I end up as the key person dealing with my 93 year old cousin's life? How did I end up living with The Man and monitoring his health? 

I keep telling myself that I am doing God's work.  The Lord has a plan and He has put me here to help these people. God wants Cousin Lucille and The Man to remain on this earth for some reason so He has put me in their lives to keep them alive and functioning. 

FUNNY JOKE GOD !!!!!!

This morning I have spent the last 3 hours dealing with the finances of my cousin. Talking with her financial guy making sure she is financially sound to continue living where she is so she can enjoy her life. In between phone calls there The Man has me helping him work through computer sites and phone calls with doctors and the VA trying to make sure he is getting the medical attention that he needs. Most of this he can handle but he likes to have me right there as he tries to navigate through the computer and phone "Just in Case". . 

As I sit waiting and watching The Man I can't help but wonder how the hell I ended up here and when is it my turn?  When do I get to be taken care of ?  When do I get to shut down my brain and just sit back to let someone take care of me? 

 I get the pity party playing through my brain until I realize I DON'T WANT TO BE TAKEN CARE OF !!  I would probably loose my mind if I had nothing to think about and no one to take care of.  I would be bored out of my mind.  The thought of having to be at the mercy of someone else making decisions and controlling my life would be my worst nightmare.  

Because after all, I AM a control freak and need to be in charge !!!