Rah Rah . . . sis boom bah . . . humbug . . . F . . . this holiday shit !
I AM NOT a Scrooge by nature. I try to see the good in people and events but I am hard pressed to remain cheerful at this particular moment in time. I NEED to write and vent so please just let me get it out and hopefully move on to a happier place.
Let me set the scene: Today is Christmas "Adam". (The day before Christmas Eve because Adam came before Eve.) My wonderful Granddaughter Kaelin is here with her mom and dad. That is GOOD ! Kent and Kristen and Mookie the dog were here for the day. That is Good. The weather is sunny but cool. That is GOOD. The house is ready, the gifts are wrapped, the cards are sent. That is ALL GOOD. I AM EXHAUSTED ! That is NOT good. My kitchen is piled high with dirty dishes and pots, food is sitting out, the laundry is over flowing the laundry room and THE HUSBAND IS WATCHING TV ! This is all NOT GOOD.
To be fair, he has asked " W H A T C A N I D O T O H E L P ?" Now I have 2, no 3, choices here . . . 1. Stop and take the time to slowly tell him step by step what he can do to help, (which would take me more time than if I actually do it myself), 2. Just say, "No thanks, I've got it covered", 0r 3. Begin screaming "What the 'f' is your problem that you can't see what needs to be done without me asking you . . . *&%$#%&*%#@#^%*&*&%^%$@@!$$ ".
I have opted for choice # 2 since it is Christmas and murder is frowned upon in the state of Florida. But I have chosen #2 with a minor time out to write this blog while waiting for the Valium to kick in. If I had remained in the kitchen I would probably have gone straight to choice #3 and been heading for Mexico to hide from the police.
I really don't get it guys . . . please tell me that you truly are just stupid idiots and cannot clean a house without someone telling you exactly what to do. Because I would hate to think that you are the self centered, lazy sons of bitches that I have come to think you are. This whole "poor me, I'm a man and don't know how to clean", shit is getting mighty old.
And so, for my Holiday Cheer . . . Here goes . . .
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
GET YOUR ASS UP OFF THE FLOOR.
PICK UP YOUR SHOES AND DIRTY PANTS
SWEEP THE FLOOR, WATER THE PLANTS.
GET OUT THE VACUUM, COOK SOME FOOD,
WASH THE DISHES, IT MIGHT CHANGE MY MOOD.
DON'T JUST SIT AND PISS AT ME
OR I'LL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A CHRISTMAS TREE !
(And don't plan on "getting any" for the next 12 months, you freaking idiot !)
MERRY CHRISTMAS LADIES. HOPE YOUR HOLIDAY IS FILLED WITH PEACE, JOY AND AN HELPFUL HUSBAND.
HO, HO, HO,
ReplyDeleteYour story sounds ever so familiar.
Isn't Christmas just supposed to happen?
(… the way it did when we were kids! Of course, our moms knew otherwise.)
Every time I start feeling down this time of year, I think of that email that I have received from several like-minded friends:
If the three wise men had been women...
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts, and there would be Peace on Earth.
And I smile.
Clearly, our story is as old as time, and the Christmas tradition continues.
So as we wish everyone Good Will toward Men, we also say a prayer for women everywhere who somehow manage to make the season bright for everyone else, as they eagerly look forward to January and a chance to start anew.