DAMN . . .

PHONE . . . DOG . . .  MICROWAVE . . . CAR . . .  WATER JUG . . .  SHOWER . . . NOZZLE ON THE HOSE . . .  and on and on it goes!

Tonight it is "DAMN PHONE" but in any given day it could be one or all of the above with all sorts of other "DAMNS" thrown in.  Never is it "DAMN STUPID GERARD". It is always the fault of what ever item Ger can not manage to figure out.

How anyone can have so many problems with a flip phone is well beyond my understanding but every time the man's phone rings it takes him 2 or 3 tries to actually get to talk to the person who is calling. And his conversation always starts with, "DAMN PHONE!".
 At first I would try to give suggestions on HOW TO ANSWER A PHONE. I mean, really . . .  open it up and hold it to your ear. NO!  Too complicated.
First he has to establish that there is something in the vicinity of himself that is making a noise. As in, HELLO! YOUR POCKET IS RINGING!!!! (An actual comment from a fellow shopper standing next to Husband.) Once H realizes something is making noise other than himself or the TV he has to figure out WHAT is making that noise. This is usually about the time that I YELL, "GER, YOUR PHONE IS RINGING!" Now that he realizes it is indeed HIS phone he has to figure out where the phone is. This process involves his looking all around the room and then starting to pat himself down. (When was the last time H had his phone hanging around his neck? Why is he patting down his chest? ) H finally realizes it IS HIS PHONE AND IT IS IN HIS PANTS POCKET !  A huge leap of intelligent processing on his part! By now the phone has usually stopped ringing. But that is no deterrent for H. He finally locates the correct pocket, digs out the phone and is now fumbling to get the thing open. Seeing how he has only had this phone for the past 6 years you would suppose opening it would come naturally. NOPE! There he stands grabbing at it like a chicken with mittens on. It usually hits the floor about now but sometimes he is able to actually keep hold of it. Once the phone is opened, and this is where it really gets to be fun, H starts pushing buttons!
You do understand that by now the person calling has hung up and probably gone to bed but there stands Husband pushing buttons like crazy while yelling at the top of his voice, "HELLO, HELLO, HELLO!!!!"  Followed by a quick snap shut of the phone and a loud DAMN PHONE !!

So if for any reason you should call H never expect him to answer. It is just too difficult. Don't bother leaving a message because he still doesn't know how to retrieve them.  Just hang up and wait. If you are lucky H will hand me his phone and I will tell him who the caller was and he will call you back. Its about the best you can hope for.

And you wonder why I walk around yelling, DAMN HUSBAND !