I am coming to the realization that I am no longer living in the past, (thanks to all those years of therapy). Rather, I am constantly looking ahead at the future planning on what is coming up next when I SHOULD be living for "today".
My calendar hangs on the kitchen wall looking like a botched Jackson Pollock painting. Every box for the days of the month is filled with notes, scribbles, arrows and lines, all of which are color coded. I DO have a system, insane and colorful as it may be. Each day contains something that either The Man or I are scheduled to do and in order to help keep our appointments straight all his dates are highlighted in blue while mine are highlighted in pink, (naturally). But then we have the appointments for the both of us together so those are highlighted in green. There are some yellow highlights on there also but I have long since forgotten what that denotes. Without this highly visible calendar I would be lost. I have all these dates noted on my phone and some I even have "alarms" on so I will be reminded a day or an hour before but it is the kitchen wall calendar that we constantly refer to.
Let me rephrase that, It is the kitchen wall calendar that I refer to. The Man is oblivious of the wall no less anything hanging on it. There are the rare occasions when we are perched at the kitchen counter eating dinner and The Man will glance across at the calendar and question if he has anything going on in the next few days. I HAVE explained the color code system to him but it still does not register with him that any blue notes are pertaining to him.
All this being said I have realized that I am living in the future, constantly looking ahead of things that are coming up. As a result of always looking ahead my life is FLYING by at the speed of a super sonic jet breaking the sound barrier. It was just yesterday that I was 32 years old and suddenly I am about to turn 76! Hell, it was just yesterday that I was celebrating my 75th birthday. Where did this year from Hell disappear to? You would think that this past year would have dragged by with our quarantines, lock downs and fears but instead here we are a full year later wondering where all those days went ?
The Man and I came back to Florida last October and I rejoiced at the thought of all the months ahead to be here with my family and friends. Michigan is wonderful but it is the people in Florida whom I love that I miss the most. The anticipation of spending seven months here kept me going all summer up in Michigan. Every day I would wake up and tell myself only "three more months", or "twenty seven more weeks", or "36 more days" until I returned to Florida. Yet here we are heading into April with the trip back to Michigan looming on the horizon only a month away. What happened to the winter ????
This morning I decided I needed to stop thinking ahead. All the anticipation and angst of what is coming is making my life pass by way too fast. There are days when I wake up and tell myself, "I just have to get through today" and then things will quiet down. In reality we all know things never quiet down. What I have to start doing is when I wake up I should savor the fact that I am still alive and just enjoy that moment. Maybe by doing this the days will seem longer and I will appreciate the moments more. I mean, how come the hours DRAG by when you are sick or in pain? Sitting in a hospital room staring at a clock on the wall watching those hands move ever so slowly can drive you nuts but when I am trying to get out the door for a fun day with the grand kids I never have enough time to get everything done.
Carpe Diem . . . Seize the Day . . . I really must start doing that more often. I'll be sure to let you know how that works out . . . If I have the time !
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