FUCK A FUCKING DUCK

Can I say that on the Internet?  Who gives a shit, I'm saying it and I mean it !  

This blog is to be read rapidly and insanely because that is how it is being written.

Backing up, I went to the cardiologist AGAIN today to talk with him about something he said last week when I was there for my semi annual visit. His report was good for my echo cardiogram but when he looked at my EKG he said it was "normal" for me but if someone were to look at it they would ask me if I had had a heart attack. Apparently my EKG is that of someone who has had a heart attack. I didn't think much of that when I was at the doctor but over the weekend it has played with my head and by Saturday morning at 5 AM I was deciding that I was HAVING a heart attack. (But did nothing about it except have a MAJOR MAJOR meltdown later in the day because my blender broke. Cried for an hour and slept for 2. Nothing wrong here folks!)

So now I am totally and completely convinced that I am on deaths door and although I would welcome death I still don't want to die. (Makes all the sense in the world . . . I know . . . ) Monday I go to see a  new therapist, HALLELUJAH LORD !  She confirms that I am indeed crazy and need to come back often and soon. (Appointment next week)  I confirm that I probably did not have a heart attack but need to talk with my doctor to ask just what he meant when he discussed my EKG last week.
THEN I WENT SHOPPING !  I figured if I was going to die I would go out enjoying myself. Even though Sams Club is NOT really that much fun I did kill 2 hours and a bunch of money. The kids clothes gets me every time and with twins on the way any week now I'm buying diapers by the truck load.  Those damn things cost a fortune.  It's paper and plastic that is going to get filled with pee and poop but they cost more than a new car. (Which by the way I am loving my "NEW" car. It may only be a Toyota Rav 4 but to me it is better than a Rolls Royce. And prettier too!)

Today I went back to the cardiologist and he put my mind at ease although we decided to have a stress test done next week just to make sure the old ticker isn't playing tricks on me. This doctor is adorable and I love going to see him. My brain felt better even if my body doesn't. I think maybe STRESS is at the bottom of my feeling like crap but why ever would I have reason to feel stressed!

PAUSE FOR 20 MINUTES OF MANIACAL LAUGHTER . . . . . .

Back to reality,  I brought H with me to the doctor today.  I was feeling kindly to the old boy after seeing the shrink yesterday so I invited H to come along and then we would go out to lunch.  (Something we haven't done in a long while.  Like writing my blog.) After lunch we stopped at Walmart to purchase a new blender to replace the one that I smashed to pieces after it refused to work on Saturday. (Never never get on my dark side. It is not a nice place to be. RIP blender). We then returned home and I changed into my gardening clothes and went out front to work on some plants. This is the first time in many many months that I have had the desire to do ANYTHING.  I have been frozen in time and unable to function except to do what needs to be done. I am at the point of having NO clean underwear because I haven't done laundry. The fridge is a mess with old food. The sink is filled with dirty dishes, there are all the things I bought at Sam's Club sitting in the kitchen and dining room, the lanai has not been swept or washed off in weeks, counter tops are filled to overflowing with papers and crap, bills are piled on my desk waiting to be paid and I CAN NOT get myself moving to do any of it.  So tonight when I was feeling a sense of ambition I couldn't wait to get outside to garden.
I had asked Ger to do a few things for me but none of them had gotten done. What's new?  Out I went and happy was I. I ripped up an entire garbage can of plants. I cut and pulled and got out the saw and took down some major shit. IT FELT GOOD ! Then H came out and it all came crashing down.
No reason for me to crash, the man just walked out to see what I was doing. Then some new neighbors came along and we talked. I invited them in to see our house.      I      INVITED     THEM      IN     TO    SEE     OUR     HOUSE     !!!!!!!!!   WHAT THE  FUCK  WAS  I   THINKING  ????????
I gave them the speech about just coming back from Sam's Club so excuse the mess . . . . .   HA  HA   HA  HA  HA  HA  HA     They were very polite but left rather quickly and I don't think we will EVER see them again.   My house is a WRECK.  AND I  DIDN'T  CARE !!


GOD ALMIGHTY I NEED HELP !