COLD FINGER

South Florida is HOT ! It can be hot in the middle of January but in the middle of August it is particularly challenging. I can't imagine that living at the Equator could be much different from here, with the exception of the random monkey swinging through the trees. Yet people do choose to inhabit these heated locations around the world and many of us actually come to enjoy the elevated temperatures.. It is a process that takes years to adapt to but once your body settles into its new environment we almost welcome the arrival of summer. But like everything in the world there is a down side to this adjustment to the bodies thermostat.  For one thing you find that where ever you go, whether it is to the grocery store, church or a restaurant, you carry a jacket with you. (This month it had better be a rain jacket because EVERY afternoon , somewhere between three and four o'clock,  there is a monsoon like storm that passes through dumping enough rain in about ten minutes to flood the Nile.)
Down here you can always tell the tourists from the locals by the clothes they are wearing. Aside from the bright Bermuda shorts and sandals with socks if they are NOT wearing jeans and  long sleeve shirts in the middle of August they are probably from out of town. I know I have become a true Floridian when I keep my AC at 77 degrees for the day and it feels like the house is freezing when I come in from outside. The fact that I am sitting here wrapped up in "fuzzy pink robe" at six in the morning because it is way too cold in the houses is a true testament to the fact that I have totally adapted to life in South Florida and am slowly becoming an alligator who needs to sit in the sun to raise my body heat. (Also the fact that I have wrinkles ALL over my body.)

All this is very well and good in that I can now comfortably survive in this toasty environment but unfortunately the United States Postal Service has not taken this phenomenon into consideration when they came up with their latest brain fart of an "improvement" to expedite mailing a package.
What the hell ever happened to "If it ain't broke don't fix it!" system of thinking? It is so typical of our nation to ALWAYS have to improve on things even if they work fine.

My latest adventure with our postal service occurred yesterday when I went to mail 3 small packages.  Mailing anything larger than a letter used to be simple once the PO installed their wonderful AUTOMATED, computerized machines in the lobby. Because there is ALWAYS a line, usually out the door, of people waiting for some sort of assistance with their mail these machines were fantastic. I could weigh and buy postage for a package and send it on its way in a matter of minutes. I had gotten SO good at tapping the computer screen in answer to it's prompts that I could mail THREE packages in the time it took for the clerk at the counter to put a stamp on one envelope. The machines in the lobby were fantastic and definitely an aid to the poor overworked postal employee. They were installed several years ago and worked perfectly fine so I knew it was only a matter of time before our government geniuses would "IMPROVE" them, probably at the same cost as funding a flight to Mars.
Trouble is these new machines are apparently made for use by hot blooded Americans and those of us who have lower body temperatures are totally unable to use the damn things.

Yesterday I stopped at a PO with my 3 little packages in hand. Because the line was indeed out the door I chose to use one of the 3 machines in the lobby. (This particular post office used to have 5 machines that worked super fast and efficient. They have now been replaced by 3 updated models.)
I had attempted to use this new type of machine at my local post office and had become so frustrated that I drove 8 miles out of my way to go to this other branch. Much to my horror I found that this branch had also been updated to the "New and Improved Mailing Station". I figured it was worth a shot and would still be faster than waiting on the line. I foolishly thought that maybe these machines would work better than the ones at my branch.  NOT !!!!!!!!

For what ever reason the stupid computer screen does not register the fact that my finger is touching it. I stood there for three minutes poking and pressing and slapping the screen with no avail. A woman came in and stood at the machine next to me and merrily tapped her way to printing out her postage and sending her package on its way while I stood next to her unable to get my machine to realize I even existed. Fortunately one of the mail women saw my frustration and came over to see what the problem was. I'm sure she figured I was just some little old senile senior citizen who couldn't fathom the art of a computer screen. As she stood there slapping at the screen she had about as much luck as I did. We discussed how we HATED these new computer screens and were in total agreement that they never should have taken out the old machines. She did manage to get through the process and print out the postage for one of my packages before she was called away. Left on own once again I returned to tapping, poking, holding my finger on the screen trying to get my finger to generate enough heat to activate the computer. I finally gave up and went to stand on the line for the counter. As I stood on the line the nice postal employee who had gotten the postage for the first package saw me and the two of us returned for round two at the machine. I showed her how the machine just would not recognize the fact that my finger was touching the screen and she agreed that I must indeed be dead. To my "delight" she too had a very hard time getting this idiot machine to accept her touch but after spending 20 minutes in this post office I FINALLY got my packages stamped and mailed and on their way.

DO NOT expect me to mail you anything beyond a letter as I will not return to the Post Office any time in the near future. And if I do return it will be with hand warmers so the screen will register my touch or a blow torch to burn the damn thing to ashes.