That would be the self inflicted mental beatings that I punish myself with each and every evening. I seem to be fine during the day but once night falls I start whupping myself up side my haid with all the garbage I have eaten through out the day and how disgusting I feel, look, AM. Mental brutality is the worst kind and I am quite a pro at it.
Part of the problem is I don't see myself as FAT. I look in the mirror and my eyes see the 20 year old from Oh Soooooooo long ago, with a few more pounds than I would like. I am not seeing the actual 65 year old OBEASE WOMAN. Nothing wrong with my mirror or my eyes, it is the brain that is malfunctioning.
A good example of this was my cousin showing me a picture today. It was a photo of her and her second husband, taken when they were just married and in their late 30's. They were both very attractive people with full dark hair and not an extra ounce of fat on them. Cousin "L" told me she hasn't changed all that much in these past 40 years, maybe a different hair color but other than that she looked the same. I stared at the photo to make sure I was looking at the same picture as she. Then I looked at the white haired 80 year old woman across the table from me and wondered how she could possibly think she still looked like the person in the photo. But isn't that what I am doing every time I look in the mirror?
I don't know how to break this chain of over eating and then being miserable and then eating because I am upset with myself. I have fought this for 50 years and still haven't figured it out. Any suggestions ?
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