HANDICAPPED SHOPPING

Just to be perfectly clear so you will not think me to be "Politically Incorrect", "Racist" or "White Supremacist"  I use the term "Handicapped" as a golfer would use it.  A player in a game is given a handicap in order to be put on an equal playing field with other golfers.  I have no idea how this "handicap" is determined and I really don't care since I am not a golfer.  

The point being, I have an idea for a new reality show . . .  HANDICAPPED SHOPPING !  

In this game you send a woman into a grocery store with a list of, say, 15 items.  She is set loose to wander the store and find as many of these products as possible.  When she is done she returns to the check out with her cart and the clock stops running.  The first thing that is done upon her return is to take her blood pressure. I guarantee it will be as low as a monk in a Zen garden. Next, the items in her cart are counted to see how many of the items she actually found, (all), and how many additional items she has managed to pick up along the way, (three hundred and seventy two). This second number is the key to how many points she is awarded. She will get points for finding the things on the list and then is given additional points for every extra item that was not on her list. 

That is Phase One of the game.

Phase Two is done several weeks later.  Our female shopper returns to the same store and is given a different shopping list containing a certain number of items.  The difference this time is that she is now accompanied by her husband.  Husband is not given a list, he is just along for the ride because HE IS THE HANDICAP !      Husband and wife are set loose in the store to shop and once they return to the checkout the clock stops.  Points are taken away for every minute under the woman's previous time. Points are also taken away for every item missing from her cart. Points are added for any additional items that were not on the list but this rarely happens.  Also, as in shopping spree number One, the wife's blood pressure is taken and an ambulance is called because her BP will probably be forty points over normal, her eyes will be bulging and her hands will have to be pried from the list because she is clutching it so tightly in order to keep from slapping the shit out of her husband.  

WOMEN DO NOT LIKE TO SHOP WITH THEIR HUSBANDS.  Sorry boys but it's a fact !  I know this from personal experience. MOST women go shopping to relax.  It is called RETAIL THERAPY. We enter a store and zone out into a mellow world of color lining the aisles. Our eyes glaze over and all thoughts and worries cease to exist.  We may have a shopping list but we NEVER come out of a store with only the items on that list.  We graze through the merchandise and pick and choose what we want and what we find appealing to us at that particular moment. (The old saying of, "Never sop when you are hungry" is so true.  When I go to any store hungry I WILL purchase food that catches my eye.  Because most stores, not just grocery stores ALWAYS have the cookie and candy displays at the checkout I never go home hungry.) 

Shopping is in our DNA . . . remember the cave women were the "gatherers" while the men were the "hunters".  There are rare women who do not like to shop and my sympathy goes out to them.  The joy of mindless wandering up and down aisles of "stuff" is like spending an hour meditating.  It is my happy place and I REALLY resent when my "Happy Place" is invaded by anyone, especially a person of the opposite sex.

 Men just do NOT have the ability to chill so a trip to a store is like a mission to Mars. All systems must be "GO" and the detailed list of second by second actions must be followed in order for the mission to succeed.  They are focused only on the details on the list and the completion of the mission in record time where as a woman goes on her mission to see the sights and enjoy the ride. 

All this came to my attention yesterday when I was sitting in the front of Publix waiting to get my second Covid vaccine. As I sat there no less than 5 couples came into the store, none of them looking happy.  They were all older so I would assume they had all been together for many many many many years. The wives had the list, the husbands were all pushing the carts. following along like little puppies that would soon turn into vicious, angry Tasmanian Devils  as soon as the wife put something into the cart that is not on the list.  The words, "Do we REALLY need that?",  "I thought you had two of those at home", "Don't buy THAT, this one is cheaper", and of course, "But it's not on the list!" all echo up and down the aisles of the grocery store.  I have even seen men go so far as to remove something from the cart when the woman isn't looking.  Let me tell you THAT one action is extremely dangerous and only the most daring and brave men dare to attempt it.  It can result in permanent bodily harm or even death especially if the man has been a supreme pain in the ass up to that point.  

One of the couples that I observed yesterday were particularly entertaining. They entered the store together, her with the list, him with the cart. They got no further than the entry way when she stopped to check out the Easter Lilies that were on sale. He continued on a few dozen feet when he realized she was no longer with him.  He abruptly stopped as warning signals started flashing in his brain that the wife was already going "off the list".  As he approached her she deftly swung THREE huge Easter Lily plants into the cart.  This obviously was too much for the husband to handle so early in the day so he very bravely and stupidly said, "THREE !  What do we need THREE for?".  I'm totally impressed that he didn't realize the error of his ways and either duck or run off down the nearest aisle. He just stood there and low and behold she put ONE plant back.   I guess this compromise was a common thing and they both knew how to play the game.  As soon as the one lily was removed from the cart the man took off at warp speed down the dairy aisle leaving the wife with no options but to go get another cart for herself or to hurry on down aisle #4 to catch up with the man.

I really wanted to wait around until they checked out but I had my own list to shop for except I had left my list in the car so I had to shop from memory.   I ended up with eleven items in my cart, only two of which were on my list.    I have to go back to Publix today to pick up the remainder of my list.  

And then some . . . .