My life has officially sunk so far into the toilet that I am praying someone would just please FLUSH ! Helloooooooo, anyone ?????? Please just pull the plunger and put a stop to this insanity. (Oh wait, you can't flush because this morning our toilet in the master bathroom started running and won't stop so we had to turn off the water.)
I know I am in big trouble because when I FINALLY got home today and grabbed my holiday wine glass from the cabinet I filled it with PRUNE JUICE! Not that I wanted to spend my late afternoon enjoying a large, cold glass of prune juice but when nature puts out an SOS for help you had better listen.
It all started the day of the macadamia nut candy that I was praying and hoping was NOT in fact macadamia nuts but of course with the way my life is running these days you and I knew full well that those freaking little nuts were the one and only food item on this earth that I can not eat. I guess I dodged a partial bullet when I only took one bite before realizing what they were because I never actually projectile vomited but I was nauseous as hell for the entire night and then spent several hours running for the potty every 15 minutes or so. By 3 AM I had finally had enough of all that so I found some old Pepto Bismol tablets and popped 2 of them. The did settle things down enough for me to get a couple of hours sleep but I am paying the price for their wonderful "clotting" action. Thus the wine glass full of prune juice this afternoon.
DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP !!!
Can I also bring you up to date on how we spent all day Monday ? We had a wonderfully fun day sitting in Urgent Care medical and then the ER at our local hospital. FUN, FUN, FUN . . . This all goes back 6 years when I first met The Man. He had a dime size lump on his back right in the middle on his spine. I questioned him as to whether he knew it was there and he assured me he knew it was there and it was "nothing" ! End of discussion. On a few other occasions over the years I have attempted to ask him about the lump only to be told, "Leave it alone, it's "nothing". End of discussion. Well over the past weekend The Man, who we shall henceforth refer to as DUMB ASS, asked me to look at his back because it was sore when he leaned back in the chair. Low and behold the dime size lump on his back is now larger than a fifty cent piece and part of it is red and nasty looking. I took a picture of it on my phone and showed it to him to which he said, "What the Hell? Where did THAT come from?". I reminded him of the lump that he has had for at LEAST SIX YEARS and his answer to that was, . . . wait for it, . . . (you know exactly what he said don't you) . . . The Man said . . . "WHAT LUMP? I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD A LUMP ON MY BACK". God stepped in at about this moment and sealed my lips shut and tied my hands behind my back because without Diving Intervention I would have slapped the living shit out of Dumb Ass. The idiot actually did not remember that I had ever told or asked him about the small lump.
And so as the weekend went on and the lump became more tender to the touch I told him he REALLY should get it looked at. Monday morning he called the VA to talk to the "on call" nurse. She told him to go to a walk in medical ASAP because it sounded like it was a cyst that was infected. Into the car, off to the walk in where we waited 3 (THREE) hours to see a nurse practitioner who told us she wouldn't touch it or prescribe anything because it was on his spine. GO TO THE ER . . . so back in the car and off to spend the next 4 (FOUR) hours in the ER where the very nice doctor gave The Man a prescription for an antibiotic and told him to get his ass to a surgeon who will probably have to remove the cyst. They even gave Dumb Ass the name of a surgeon but he has chosen to wait 2 (TWO) weeks when he has an appointment to see his GP at the VA.
And so THAT is why I am drinking prune juice out of a wine glass which I will now go fill with either wine, alcoholic egg nog or straight Jack Daniels. Or maybe I will just make a cocktail of all three and see where that gets me. Which ever path I take I know I am in trouble.
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