Daniel Webster compiled the dictionary filled with millions of words. Because he was a man he had a vocabulary consisting of thousands and thousands of words because men use all those words. Usually they are using them all in one single conversation because a man just CAN NOT get to the point !!!!
Example; This morning I woke up to find The Man sitting at the kitchen table. No surprise there. I didn't even get two steps into the kitchen on my way to the bathroom when he announced, "I was talking to Pat,(like I am supposed to know who the hell Pat is), and she said to call her back when you get up and get your computer out because I was telling her about all the trouble we are having, (Not true, I had gotten us up and running on this particular web site), trying to get my VA trip reimbursements and she said that she could help walk us through the whole process as soon as you get up and get your computer working.(A statement that he started this conversation with.). My eyes are not even open yet and I am being assaulted with all this. At least I did have my hearing aids in so I could hear what The Man was saying, (even if I didn't want to), because if I didn't have my ears in I would have to listen to the whole tirade again.
I, not being a man, responded with the simple four words that are all a woman needs to live with a man . . . "Uh huh, OK, sure, yes". Those are the only words a man EVER wants to hear from a woman so having learned early on with Husband those are the only words I use when talking to a man. It is a fact that men just don't care about anything you have to say. You can be telling them the house is on fire, the kids are all druggies, the dog just attacked your neighbor and you are pregnant with quintuplets and all the man will says is "OK". BUT if HE wants to tell you anything then you better pack a bag with food and water and get yourself comfortable because you will be listening to him for the next 3 days.
Moving on to this mornings phone call. I went straight back in to the bedroom to get my computer. I did not go pee, I did not brush my teeth, I did not get dressed because I knew I would be haunted until the man had me make this phone call to the poor inspecting woman at the VA. I did not pass GO, I did not collect two hundred dollars, I did not stop on Boardwalk, I just went back to the bedroom and brought the computer into the kitchen. I went over and sat next to The Man because I know full well that if I am sitting across the table where he can't see the computer screen he will be correcting and instructing me the whole time. As I walked into the kitchen I told him I was going to sit next to him so he could see the screen and follow along. Naturally he asked why that was necessary. I explained that HE needed to know how to do this in case anything ever happened to me. His answer, "But I don't have a computer". I see his simple minded logic here but REALLY !!! So apparently if I drop dead tomorrow The Man will just have to stop living because he can not do ANYTHING on his own. Who knew I was so valuable ??
OK . . . The Man places the call and Pat answers. From the tone of her voice I could tell she knew what she was in for. ( I can NOT imaging any woman working for the Veterans Association. Having to deal with mostly men over the age of forty it is a challenge. I would hope that the young veterans are a bit more on the ball.) The Man begins his conversation with, " Hello, this is (insert name here). I'm calling about what we talked about this morning so you can walk us through the process on the computer so that I can get reimbursed . . . . . . on and on and on . . . ." After listening to him fumbling around telling this poor woman why he called I interrupted him to say I was there with the computer and was now on such and such a page. I proceeded to move from screen to screen, telling Pat what I was doing, until we got where we needed to be. All the while Pat is saying, "Yes, OK, Sure, Uh huh". You see, I knew we had done everything right last week when The Man had me set this up for him but because he did not receive an answer from the VA OVER THE WEEKEND, WHEN THEIR OFFICES ARE CLOSED) He had to make sure we,(I), had done this right.
Here's the thing with this man, he needs to control it all. I am a control freak but I also know when to shut up. If The Man wants something done and he needs my help, (like with EVERYTHING!) he is going to supervise my every step. And that is where the female vocabulary comes in. Yes, OK, sure, uh huh. What drives me nuts is that he does NOT know how to navigate these web sites. I am far from genius on the computer but I do know how to figure out most things. Of course the VA website, being set up by our government, is a tangled, confusing, complicated mess. This being said I did manage to navigate it and accomplish the task that The Man needed done.
We had done all this last Wednesday. On Wednesday night The Man asked me to check the website to see if what we had done had gone through. (Actually a valid request considering the internet up here.) The information was indeed posted and the comment said, "Undergoing manual review". I take this to mean that who ever is sitting in their dark, dank windowless hole in the wall in the bowels of the VA building is now looking at The Man's request and taking it under consideration. I also know that this being a government agency it will take that lone person WEEKS to do anything. The Man does not think this way. He envisions 500 enthusiastic workers just waiting for HIS request to come in so that they can all start working on his concerns immediately because HE is the only person on this earth who needs attention.
On Thursday afternoon I had to check on this for him. Same message as Wednesday. We checked again on Friday . . . TWICE . . . Same message. When The Man heard nothing OVER THE WEEKEND, (Government agencies do NOT work on weekends!) he immediately assumed that I did not put in his claim properly so he called poor unsuspecting Pat at 9:00 AM this Monday morning. I could tell just how delighted Pat was to receive this rambling phone call from some old guy who has the patience of a gnat. All her responses were, "Yes, OK, Sure, Uh Huh".
I sure hope Pat had a good weekend and wasn't hung over.
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