So. . . remember how I yesterday I told you about the new walk-in-shower being installed in our tiny bathroom? Well, if I thought the day had started poorly with The Man going on and on about who knew what it only got OH SO much worse.
Let me begin by telling you that if you are of a delicate nature and do not appreciate "Potty" humor just stop right now and read no further. The story is just too funny not to tell but it is not something your Palm Beach Socialites would be discussing over cocktails. ( Or would they ? )
Our ONE and only bathroom here on "The Farm" is small. It is about the size of my shed in Florida. Maybe 7' X 7' if that. There was a tub, a very small sink with no vanity and a small toilet. (The toilet is probably the smallest toilet I have ever seen but since it does the job that's just fine. Less to clean!) This bathroom is the one and ONLY bathroom in or out of the house. Once upon a time there was an outhouse out by the garage but that has gone where ever old out houses go. I REALLY do wish it was still out there for days like yesterday.
Yesterday morning the 3 workers arrived at 8:00 AM, well before my mind or body was awake. I was up and moving, (sort of) but my body really didn't''t wake up until about an hour later. (My brain remained sleeping for another few hours.).
The workmen, all 3 of them, got busy immediately tearing out the tub in our little bathroom. The Man and I had actually thought ahead and borrowed a "Porto-Potty" from The Man's brother's camp as a back up plan in case of "emergencies". It was small but would provide a place to make bodily deposits if necessary.
Or so I thought.
I must take a moment here to explain to you that like just about everything else in my life NOTHING is predictable or works on a schedule. With some people you can tell the time of day by their trips to the bathroom. I don't know how they do that but I have never been that fortunate. My life is totally "Hit or Miss" or in this case, "Poop or Pee" when ever. (I realize this is totally TMI but it is relevant to the story.) I am as surprised as the next guy as to when my body decides to eliminate anything. I can go days or I can go all day. It's either feast or famine so to speak.
I also realize that as Murphy's law states, if something can go "wrong" it will. Following that hypothesis I knew for sure I was going to be in trouble the minute our bathroom was out of commission. (Besides having 3 strangers in my bathroom the water in the house was turned off for the entire 7 hours that they were working on the shower.)
So as 9 AM rolled onto the clock my bowels decided to do some rolling of their own. I was given warnings and I knew I had the little porto-potty just in case but as the clock continued ticking my "stomach" continued churning until I realized this was no small matter that a tiny porto-potty could or should be required to handle. (The realization that I would be the one having to empty and clean said porto-potty before returning made me think I had better come up with an alternate plan FAST !)
Has anyone else out there run into the problem of NOTHING public being open thanks to stupid Covid?
Now I could have driven ten miles into Escanaba to the Walmart which I knew had bathrooms that were open but I wasn't quite sure I was going to make it ten miles without Mt. Vesuvius erupting. I needed to think of someplace a LOT closer. There are 3 gas stations within a 5 mile radius but I have been inside all three of these charming places and I REALLY did not want to experience their bathrooms.
Unlike all the grocery stores in Florida the tiny little grocery in town does not have a public bathroom. And then I thought of Mac Donalds . . . just down the road . . . PERFECT !!! Who hasn't made a run for the bathroom in Mac Donalds ? I grabbed the car keys and told The Man, who was still sitting at the kitchen table, I was going to Macky D's to make a potty run and would be back shortly. I'm sure you can guess what The Man said . . . As I stood before him in the kitchen hopping from one foot to another desperately trying to keep from pooping in my pants, The Man said, "Oh Good, why don't you get us something for breakfast?" And as is the case with all things "Man" he proceeded to go down the list of his breakfast menu options trying to decide what he would like to eat. If I had stayed there any longer I know something would have occurred that would have taken EVERYONES appetite away for the next 12 months. I believe I grabbed the car keys and gave The Man a "fine fine . . . " as I made a bee line for the car.
As I drove merrily down the road at ninety miles an hour I did quite a bit of muttering to myself. "Freaking country living!", "Stupid Man can't shut up", "Holy Crap I hope I make it to Mac D's". As I came to the intersection at the bottom of the hill I realized there was road construction and one lane of the "highway" was closed. Apparently people in the UP do not know what to do when there are lane closures because there was a line of traffic all trying to decide which of the 2 lanes was the closed one and which was the lane they should drive in. It was at this point that I started yelling at God who I KNOW was laughing His head off at my predicament. Funny Guy that God ! As the traffic finally crept down to the next light where I could turn into Mac Donalds I started thinking I was going to be good . . . All would be well with the world and there would be no need to have to sell The Man's car after I exploded in it. I flew around the corner and pulled into the parking lot, jumped out of the car and headed for the door of Mac D. only to be stopped dead by a locked door and a sign that said, "Due to Covid our lobby is not open to the public. Please use the drive through window." Who are they kidding ???? I CAN'T use the drive through window for what I need !
Back into the car with my mind racing I remembered that there were public bathrooms in the lake side park across the road. I knew that other public restrooms in the UP were open so maybe, just maybe, this one would be open also. As I parked at the curb in front of the potty building in the park I tried to keep my cool and look like I was just out for a stroll in the park. It took all my physical and mental effort to try to pull this off because my brain was screaming, "hurry hurry" and "What do I do if this building is locked?" ( I honestly think I would have just kept walking down to the waters edge and into the lake until I drowned." )
Thankfully the door was open, the lights were on and there was even some, (not much but some), toilet paper in the stall.
When I finally returned to the car, thirty pounds lighter, I had to laugh at the silliness of the entire experience. I stopped at the drive through at Mac Donalds to get The Man his breakfast and to flip them the bird as I drove away.
All the way home I kept running through the events of the past hour knowing full well I just HAD to share this with you.
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