Today's quote of the day is from Husband, first thing this morning as I was trying to get him to stand and walk a couple of steps so I could get him back into the bed. He is particularly weak this morning after a semi strong day yesterday. (It's all relative here folks, yesterday he was able to stand on his own and transfer from bed to wheelchair with a minimum of help. He was feeling so good he wanted to take a ride in the car to get a bagel for breakfast. He walked around the dining room with the physical therapist, TWICE ! ) Thursday's hydration came with a bonus package of steroids that kicked in yesterday, thus the increase in energy. But it's a false sense of hope because by last night H couldn't get out of his chair. I got him into bed and settled last night and he slept well only to wake me at 8:30 this morning because he was ready to get up. NOT ! I think he was either still half asleep or maybe it was just CHEMO BRAIN but H could not stand, no less transfer to the wheelchair. I managed to get him into his chair but then he decided he wanted to go back to bed. I got him washed off and changed but he still wanted to go back to bed. So the battle to stand, walk forward a couple of steps, turn and sit on the bed was back on. After three or four attempts to stand he managed to get off the chair by a few inches so I started to push and pull to get him close enough to sit on the bed without falling off. That's when he told me, "I don't think you love me any more!". I almost dropped him right then and there ! Once I got him sitting on the bed I asked him if he thought I would be doing all this if I didn't love him.
The poor guy just doesn't get it. Over the past two and a half years H has been telling me, "I love you more than you love me." He truly believes that. H has always thought that love means spending 24/7 with a person. When I wanted to do things on my own he thought it was because I didn't love him. If I wanted to spend time with my friends he thought it was because I didn't love him and now that I am pulling and pushing him he thinks it's because I don't love him. And that breaks my heart! I know a lot of this is his chemo brain but I also know it has roots in his true beliefs. God has given us this time to try to help both of us understand each other but it sure isn't easy.
This morning I laughed at the thought that I would be wiping my husbands butt if I didn't love him. I might be doing the job but I would probably be using sand paper ! He should only know how lucky he is that I DO INDEED love him!
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