HAS ANYONE SEEN ME ?

I think I have lost myself . . .    all of a sudden the bottom of my world has fallen out and I am spiraling through each day not anchored to anything.  People coming and going, phones ringing, and a strange body lying on the bed next to mine.  Where the Hell am I and who took my "normal" away?

I guess I bitched and moaned enough that God figured he would shake things up and let me know what life could really be like. I keep thinking about all those poor people out there who are suffering day in and day out for years!  Starving children, sickness, pain and suffering of all sorts and I am complaining because H is dying.  He is comfortable, he is not in any pain and he is sleeping!  How much better could it be than to have your spouse not suffering and at ease.  We do still have our moments though.  As Jeanne said, "Husband won't go easy!  He will hang on to make you work as long as possible". And she is so right !  Here we have H with lung cancer, spread into his liver and abdomen and he still has me waiting on him hand and foot. I have had more physical contact with this man that I have in 45 years of marriage. And because he is just laying in bed all the time I have to move him and wash him and care for him. AND HE HATES EVERY MINUTE OF IT !  For a man who never liked to be touched he is suffering me constantly touching him. When I sit with him and try to hold his hand he barely has the strength to pull away.  So naturally I hold his hand every chance I get !  I may spend a few more centuries in Purgatory for this but it's worth every touch.
Today we had the Hospice nurses aide in to "bathe" Ger and he suffered through that. How horrible this must be for him. I wonder if this is his Purgatory? Is he going to stick around till he pays for all his sins? Since he was a good man all through his life there are probably only the things that he did to make me nuts that he has to pay for. I figure he will be around for quite some time if that's the case.  Or maybe this is my Purgatory . . .  since all I did was piss and moan about the man for the past 45 years God figured He'd really make me work and see just how easy I had it.
What ever the case it is a very strange situation. I have a 160 pound infant to take care of. And H has to let go of all his inhibitions and let me do what needs to be done. The two of us have been given one final chance to get this marriage right.
I have seen my mother die, my father and my aunt also. But never have I been front and center like this. 24/7 watching, listening and caring for H is my worst nightmare but I wouldn't change this for the world. I am here with H, talking to him about everything and nothing and HE HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO LISTEN !  Seriously though, I am loving this time that God has given us. It is giving me an opportunity to say all the things G never wanted to hear, all the mushy stuff women say, all the dopey things that make no sense but I need to share with him anyway.
And through it all I keep thinking, "DEAR GOD, when it's  my time please let me be hit by a bus! I don't want my children to have to do this for me!"